Harry Potter II: Facebook News Feed Edition
by BurstAndBloom91
Summary: Chamber of Secrets, Facebook News Feed Style!
1. Part I

A/N: As promised, here's CoS! And due to popular demand, we're shortening the chapters =)

Standard disclaimers apply

* * *

Chapter One

**Hedwig the Owl** added "making loud, hooting noises in the morning" to their interests.

**Harry Potter**: IT'S GETTING REALLY FUCKING OLD, HEDWIG.

** Hedwig the Owl**: Meep! Ignoring you! Meep!

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: If you don't get your owl to STFU, then I'm shooting and eating it for breakfast!

**Harry Potter**: She's bored – she's used to flying around outside. You know, like a regular wild animal. If I could just let her out at night, then this wouldn't be an issue.

**Vernon Dursley**:DO I LOOK STUPID?

**Harry Potter**: With that bit of fried egg dangling from your mustache? Yes, you most certainly do. However, you always look stupid, even when you don't have bits of food on your face…which is usually most of the time…

**Vernon Dursley**: I know what will happen if that owl's let out!

**Vernon Dursley** sent **Petunia Dursley** a dark look.

**Petunia Dursley** sent **Vernon Dursley** a dark look.

* * *

**Dudley Dursley** just belched!

**Harry Potter**: Oh my god, why are you so disgusting.

**Dudley Dursley**: It's the manly indication of having just eaten a full meal. You wouldn't understand, since you're not a real man.

**Harry Potter**:Neither are you! You're barely twelve, for fuck's sake!

* * *

**Dudley Dursley** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: I want more bacon.

**Petunia Dursley**: There's more in the frying pan, sweetums. I want you to eat as much as you want, since I don't know how well they feed you at school xoxoxox

**Vernon Dursley**: Pish posh! I never went hungry when I attended Smeltings.

**Harry Potter**: Are you fucking serious? You're concerned if he's getting enough FOOD? Honestly, the amount of food that fat piece of shit consumes for a single meal could provide for a poor family in Africa for a WEEK. He could do with not eating as much at school! Look at him! His fat is hanging off either side of the chair! Vomit-inducing!

**Vernon Dursley**: Shut your mouth, boy!

* * *

**Dudley Dursley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Pass the frying pan, bitch.

**Harry Potter**: You forgot to say the magic word, BITCH.

**Dudley Dursley**: :O

**Petunia Dursley**: :X

**Vernon Dursley**: :(

**Harry Potter**: Fuck.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: I meant "please"! I didn't mean to allude to REAL magic. Shit…

**Vernon Dursley**: WTF DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SAYING THE "M" WORD IN OUR HOUSE?

**Harry Potter**: Wait, did you just refer to this house as "ours"? Like, as in mine as well? Wow, that's something. You really think I'm part of this household?

**Vernon Dursley**: IT WAS A SLIP OF THE TONGUE. NOW STFU, THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT. HOW DARE YOU THREATEN DUDLEY, MOTHERFUCKER!

**Harry Potter**:With WHAT? Reminding him to be courteous and use his manners? Shouldn't that be YOUR responsibility as parents? Jesus-FUCKING-Christ, not only did I not have parents growing up, I'm also fucking twelve-years-old, and I know more about parenting than YOU do.

**Vernon Dursley**: I WARNED YOU! I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!

**Harry Potter**: I'm not going to even TRY to get into how you guys are not normal…so FINE. WHATEVS.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wishes his fat bastard of an uncle would stop watching me out of the corner of his eyes. It's fucking creepy.

(**Vernon Dursley**, **Petunia Dursley**, and **Dudley Dursley** like this.)

**Harry Potter**: I hate you all so much, it's ridiculous.

* * *

**Harry Potter** misses Hogwarts so much it's making my tummy ache T_T Everything and everyone except **Severus Snape** – still hate you.

(**1,060 others** like this.)

**Severus Snape**:I see the summer so far hasn't reduced the size of your over-stuffed head.

**Harry Potter**: NOBODY ASKED FOR YOUR INPUT, SLIMEY.

**Severus Snape**: Just you wait for this term, Potter. Just you fucking WAIT.

* * *

**Harry Potter** really wishes **Vernon Dursley** didn't lock all my shit under the stairs – I need to practice Quidditch and do my homework. So all you professors on Facebook – if I come back to Hogwarts and don't have my homework, then you'll know why! I'm sorry! I would really like to do it, but I just can't!

**Severus Snape**: WOW. Yes, let all of us ACCOMADATE the GREAT Harry Potter! He shouldn't have to do homework, because he's the most wonderful person alive! FUCK YOU. If you don't have my summer assignment done, I'm failing you!

**Harry Potter**: Ugh, can someone PLEASE lock this guy up and throw away the key? He has some serious psychological problems.

**Oliver Wood**: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PRACTICING 10 HOURS EVERYDAY? UNACCEPTABLE!

**Harry Potter**: And him, too.

* * *

**Harry Potter** also cannot believe that the Dursleys have forgotten that it's his birthday today! Turning 12 is a pretty big deal right?

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: So, today is a very important day.

**Harry Potter**: Wait…omg, did you really remember my birthday?

**Vernon Dursley**: This could well be the day I make the biggest deal of my career!

**Harry Potter**: Douche bag.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall:I think we should run by the schedule one more time: at 8, Petunia, you will be…?

**Petunia Dursley**: In the lounge, waiting to welcome them graciously to our home.

**Harry Potter**: I almost feel sorry for you, Aunt Petunia. Your life is just depressing.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: Dudley, at 8 you'll be…?

**Dudley Dursley**: I'll be waiting to open the door. *AHEM* May I take your coats, Mr. and Mrs. Mason?

**Petunia Dursley**: They'll love him! ^_^

**Harry Potter**: If these people have one iota of intelligence, they will see through your fake politeness. You have no manners, as clearly shown earlier with your inability to say the word "please."

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: AND YOU?

**Harry Potter**: I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist.

**Vernon Dursley**: You got that right, bitch.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: I will lead them into the lounge, introduce you and pour them drinks. At 8:15…

**Petunia Dursley**: I'll announce dinner!

**Dudley Dursley**: May I take you through to the dining room, Mrs. Mason?

**Petunia Dursley**: My perfect little gentleman! Xoxox lyl.

**Harry Potter**: Please stop trying to reenact the evening. And Aunt P – stop this fuckery. He's FAR from being a gentleman.

**Vernon Dursley**: WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING, BOY?

**Harry Potter**:I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist.

**Vernon Dursley**: That's right.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: Okay, so we need to seriously butter them up so I can get this job, since my company kind of sucks. Have any ideas?

**Petunia Dursley**: Vernon tells me you're a WONDERFUL golfer, Mr. Mason…DO tell me where you bought your dress, Mrs. Mason.

**Vernon Dursley**: Perfect, honey!

**Dudley Dursley**: We had to write an essay about our hero at school, Mr. Mason, and I wrote about you.

**Petunia Dursley**: MY DARLING BOY!

**Harry Potter**: Ugh, STOP. That's just fucking weird.

**Vernon Dursley**: And YOU?

**Harry Potter**: *sigh* I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist.

**Vernon Dursley**: You fucking better, because the Masons don't even know you exist, and it's going to STAY that way.

**Harry Potter**: That's lovely, truly. Fuck you.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: After dinner, you bring Mrs. Mason back to the lounge for coffee, and then I'll bring the subject around to drills. With any luck, I'll have the deal sealed before the news 10. We'll be shopping for a vacation home in Majorca this time tomorrow – LOL.

**Harry Potter**: Well aren't you a cocky bastard.

**Vernon Dursley**: I'm going into town to pick up dinner jackets for Dudley and me. And YOU, Potter, stay out of the way of Petunia while she's cleaning.

**Harry Potter**: Wow, I'm surprised you're not making me clean the house. That's usually my job.

**Vernon Dursley**: Frankly, we don't trust you to do a decent job.

**Harry Potter**: WHAT? I'm a fantastic cleaner!

**Petunia Dursley**: He's got a point, dear…

**Vernon Dursley**: THIS IS HOW IT'S GOING TO BE, DAMN IT!

* * *

**Harry Potter** is singing "happy birthday" under his breath. After all, it seems everyone hasn't noticed that it's my birthday, including **Ronald Weasley **and **Hermione Jane Granger** – FUCK YOU ALL. At this rate, I'd be happy to see **Draco Malfoy**. THAT'S how lonely I am. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** Holy shit – the hedge is staring back at me? WTF! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Dudley Dursley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I know what day it is!

**Harry Potter**: Good for you. Now you can finally list the days of the week.

**Dudley Dursley**: It's your birthday. How come you haven't got any cards? Aren't that ginger loser and that bushy-beaver psycho your friends in that freak place?

**Harry Potter**: …STFU. Besides, your mummy-dearest wouldn't want you talking about my school. :p

**Dudley Dursley**: Why are you staring at the hedge?

**Harry Potter**: I'm considering arson. Using spell work.

**Dudley Dursley**: Dad told you not to do magic! You'll be thrown out! And you've got no friends to run to!

**Harry Potter**: JIGGERY POKERY! HOCUS POCUS! SQUIGGLY WIGGLY!

**Dudley Dursley**::O

* * *

**Dudley Dursley** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: MUUUUUUUM! HE'S DOING YOU KNOW WHAT!

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

* * *

**Petunia Dursley** poked **Harry Potter**.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE TRYING TO HIT MY HEAD WITH A FRYING PAN! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?

**Petunia Dursley**: YOU WON'T EAT ANOTHER MEAL UNTIL YOU DO THIS SHIT.

**Harry Potter**: What about my not doing any of the cleaning?

**Petunia Dursley**: I'M NOW SAYING YOU MUST.

* * *

**Harry Potter** my list of chores: cleaning the windows, washing the car, mowing the lawn, trimming the flowerbeds, pruning and watering the roses, and repainting the garden bench. My life is fantastic. Wish everyone could see famous Harry Potter now. (sent from mobile)

**Severus Snape**:LOL.

**Harry Potter**: I really don't need this shit right now, SIR. I'm being polite when I tell you to fuck off. The sun is burning the back of my neck, my back fucking kills, and I'm sweating like no other. I'm not in the mood.

**Severus Snape**: I love my life right now hearing about your misery.

* * *

**Petunia Dursley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: GET IN HERE!

**Petunia Dursley**: Eat quickly, the Masons will be here soon!

**Harry Potter**: I worked all fucking day in the heat, and for my supper I'm getting two slices of bread and a lump of cheese? Did you guys read a book while I was away at school about how to abuse children, because I swear you've gotten worse!

**Petunia Dursley**: HURRY THE FUCK UP! GET UPSTAIRS!

**Harry Potter**: *sigh*

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Remember, boy, one sound, and I'll fucking kill you.

* * *

**Harry Potter** really wants to collapse on his bed, but there's some asshole already sitting on it! WHAT THE HELL.

* * *

Chapter Two

**Harry Potter** Well, at least I know what's been watching me out of the garden hedge earlier today. One mystery solved.

**Harry Potter** and **Dobby the House-Elf** are now friends.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Dobby the House-Elf**'s wall: Er…hello?

**Dobby the House-Elf**: HARRY POTTER! OMFGZZZZZ SO LONG HAS DOBBY WANTED TO MEET YOU, SIR. IT'S SUCH AN HONOR!

**Harry Potter**: Um…thank you. I guess.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hedwig the Owl**'s wall: Thanks a lot Hed, just sleeping there and not notifying me that there's a fucking STRANGER in my bedroom!

**Hedwig the Owl**:zzzzzzz.

**Harry Potter**:Oh yeah, that's right, wake up for about five seconds just so you can update your status. FUCK YOU.

**Hedwig the Owl**: zzzzFUCKYOUzzzz

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Dobby the House-Elf**'s wall: Who the hell are you?

**Dobby the House-Elf**:Dobby, sir. Just Dobby. Dobby the house-elf.

**Harry Potter**: Yes, I can read your name just fine on my computer screen. Okay, I can see this is turning down a road in which I try to have a straight conversation with a magical creature, but I will get nothing out of it except frustration. So let's make this brief: this is not the time for me to have a house-elf in my bedroom.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Oh.

**Harry Potter**: Not that I'm not pleased to meet you – always love to meet another adoring fan, but is there any particular reason you're here?

**Dobby the House-Elf**:YES! Dobby has come to tell you, sir…it is difficult, sir…Dobby wonders where to begin.

**Harry Potter**: Ugh, shit, you're one of those people who refer to themselves in the third person. Geez. Well, I can see this is going to be a long evening…so why don't you take a load off. And starting at the beginning always works.

**Dobby the House-Elf**:Wh-wh-what? S-sit down? Never in my life!

**Harry Potter**:STFU! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you or anything…

**Dobby the House-Elf**: OFFEND DOBBY? BEING ASKED TO SIT DOWN BY A WIZARD…LIKE AN EQUAL…DOBBY CAN'T HANDLE IT!

**Harry Potter**:Oh my god, what part of STFU don't you understand?

* * *

**Dobby the House-Elf** sent **Harry Potter** an expression of watery adoration.

**Harry Potter**: Oh boy…

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Dobby the House-Elf**'s wall: Well, you can't have met many decent wizards, then ^_^

**Dobby the House-Elf**: No, not really…

**Dobby the House-Elf**: That was an awful thing to say…omg. Why did Dobby say that? BAD DOBBY! BAD!

**Harry Potter**: Ugh, I can't fucking win. OMG WTF ARE YOU DOING? Banging your head against the window?

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl** DOES NOT LIKE TO BE WOKEN UP!

**Harry Potter**: I DON'T NEED MORE NOISE ADDED TO THIS SITUATION! STOP SCREECHING!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Meep!

**Harry Potter**:Omg fuck you.

**Hedwig the Owl**:^_^

* * *

**Dobby the House-Elf **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Dobby had to punish himself, sir. Dobby almost spoke ill of his family.

**Harry Potter**: What family?

**Dobby the House-Elf**: The wizard family Dobby serves, always at their beck and call. Dobby is bound to serve one house and one family forever and ever and ever…

**Harry Potter**: Do they know you're here? By the way, they sound like dicks already, kind of like something Malfoy would punish others for, actually.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Hell no, sir! Dobby will have to punish himself most grievously for coming to see you, sir.

**Harry Potter**:"Most grievously"? Who talks like that?

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Shutting his ears in the oven door would be fitting.

**Harry Potter**: You should really add "masochism" to your interests.

* * *

**Dobby the House-Elf** added "masochism" to their interests.

**Harry Potter**: That was kind of a joke…you didn't have to do that right this second…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Dobby the House-Elf**'s wall: Why don't you leave if these assholes keep punishing you? You shouldn't stand for this shit.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: A house-elf must be set free, sir. And the family will never set Dobby free *sobs*.

**Harry Potter** sent **Dobby the House-Elf** a box of tissues.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Dobby the House-Elf**'s wall: And I thought my life sucked. This makes the Dursleys sound almost human, instead of the nasty pigs that they are. Could I do something to help you? I can't have anymore more pitiful than I.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: OMGZZZZZZ YOU'RE THE MOST WONDERFUL WIZARD!

**Harry Potter**: I really wish I never said anything. PLEASE SHUT UP. The fat pigs downstairs can't know you're up here!

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Harry Potter asks if he can help Dobby…your greatness is legendary…but Dobby had no idea of your amazing goodness!

* * *

**Harry Potter** is feeling distinctly hot in the face.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Dobby the House-Elf**'s wall: All my greatness is a load of horseshit. I'm practically at the bottom of year at Hogwarts, only passing because of Hermione…that dumb bitch who NEVER WROTE TO ME!

**Dobby the House-Elf**: So humble…and modest! Not even speaking of his triumph over He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named…wow; that was quite a lot to type out for Dobby.

**Harry Potter**: You mean Voldemort? That's a lot easier to type, you know. And say, for that matter. That "nickname" of his is such a mouthful, and annoying as hell to type out.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: SPEAK NOT THE NAME, SIR!

**Harry Potter**: You talk funny. If Ron were listening to this, he would call you a jackass, which HE is because he NEVER WROTE TO ME EITHER!

**Harry Potter**: BTW, I know you two are checking Facebook, especially you, Hermione, because you have no life. Just know that I'm extremely angry with you guys and when we do talk, I will be abusing the capslock button. You've been warned!

* * *

**Dobby the House-Elf** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Dobby heard through the grapevine that Harry Potter met the Dark Lord just weeks ago and Harry Potter escaped…YET AGAIN!

**Harry Potter**: Yeah, it's true. I know, it's crazy shit, but that's how I roll.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: So valiant! And bold! He has braved so many dangers already!

**Harry Potter**:Well, my life hasn't been that dangerous, so far. Sure, I faced the most evil wizard that ever lived when I was one, fought a mountain troll after only two months of magical training, almost died flying a broomstick, was attacked by a monstrous three-headed dog, was almost strangled by Devil's Snare, was nearly crushed by over-sized chess pieces, potentially could've drank poison, and then faced the same most evil wizard a second time and narrowly escaped, but other than that, it's been pretty normal and safe.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Shit, Harry Potter is like a magnet for trouble, which brings Dobby to his reason for visiting him: Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts.

**Harry Potter**:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH LOLZZZZZZZ.

**Dobby the House-Elf**:Dobby is quite serious, sir!

**Harry Potter**: You can't be fucking serious. I have to escape this hellhole! I have to go back to Hogwarts, it's the only place where I feel normal.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Nonononononono! Harry Potter must stay here – he is safe HERE. He cannot be lost! Mortal danger lies at Hogwarts!

**Harry Potter**: Er…care to explain this to me?

**Dobby the House-Elf**: There is a plot that's about to be in effect this year! Terrible things will happen!

**Harry Potter**: Well, now this is beginning to get interesting. What terrible things? Who's plotting them? Now I'm definitely more excited to go to Hogwarts – another yearlong mystery to solve!

* * *

**Dobby the House-Elf** is inflicting pain onto himself! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Okay! I get it! You can't tell me! Actually, this just makes everything a lot more exciting for me, so I'm rather glad. But I don't understand why you're warning me, unless this has to do with You-Know-Who? Just shake or nod your head. No need for you to have another psychotic breakdown.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Not…He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, sir. *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*

**Harry Potter**: I can tell you're trying to give me a hint, but it's too subtle for my simple twelve-year-old mind. Does he have a brother?

**Dobby the House-Elf**: No, Harry Potter would've definitely heard about that by now.

**Harry Potter**: Well, then I give up; I have no fucking clue who would actually stand a chance of doing damage at Hogwarts, especially with Dumbledore there.

**Dobby the House-Elf**:Albus Dumbledore is the greatest headmaster Hogwarts has ever had. He has great power and

**Harry Potter**: Sorry, Dobby, I had to take your phone away because I'm really getting sick of these Dumbeldore rants of his awesomeness. I respect the man, really, but right now we need to focus on your not wanting me to go back to Hogwarts and the mortal danger that waits this year.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Dobby was just going to get to the point that Dumbledore doesn't have certain powers because no decent wizard…oh geez, saying too much!

**Harry Potter**:Please don't punish yourself! Ugh shit, too late.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Dobby the House-Elf**'s wall: Quick! Get in the closet!

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU JUST RUINED THE PUNCH LINE OF MY JAPANESE GOLFER JOKE.

**Harry Potter**: The joke probably sucked, anyway. I did you a favor.

**Vernon Dursley**: ONE MORE SOUND AND I'LL FUCKING CUT YOU.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Dobby the House-Elf**'s wall: Now do you see what a nightmare this place is? I have to go back to Hogwarts. It's the only place I've got…well…I THINK I've got friends. I don't really know anymore at this point.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Friends who don't even WRITE to Harry Potter?

**Harry Potter**: …HOLD THE PHONE. How do YOU know my friends haven't been writing to me?

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Harry Potter mustn't be angry with Dobby…he did it for the best…

**Harry Potter**: Oh my FUCKING Christ. Have YOU been stopping my letters? And I'm assuming that YOU'RE somehow responsible for my lack of Facebook messages? And how the HELL did you do that?

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Dobby has the letters here, sir. As for your Facebook messages, Dobby hacked onto your Facebook and deleted everything.

**Harry Potter**: How the fuck do you know my password?

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Dobby is a house-elf – he can do many awesome things. But Harry Potter mustn't be angry…Dobby hoped if Harry Potter thought his friends had forgotten him…then he might not want to go back to Hogwarts, sir. On a side note, you should probably change your password from "badass wizard" to something less…obvious…

**Severus Snape**:Christ, Potter, if I had really wanted to even I could break into your Facebook…not too subtle are you, you stinking little narcissist?

**Harry Potter**: Again, _Snape_, I don't have the time for your bullshit right now. Now Dobby, that's pretty shitty thinking – even if I had no friends and was a loser, I would rather be at Hogwarts, learning MAGIC than going to Muggle schools and being a loser there.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Oh…Dobby didn't think about that…

**Harry Potter**: Give me back my letters!

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Harry Potter shall have them, sir, if he promises that he will not return to Hogwarts.

**Harry Potter**: FUCK YOU! GIVE ME MY LETTERS!

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Dobby has no choice, then…

**Harry Potter**: What the –? Where are you going?

* * *

**Harry Potter **just jumped the last six steps, landing catlike on the hall carpet. Heeeeelllll yeahhhhhh I'm like fucking Cat Woman, bitches! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Dobby the House-Elf**'s wall: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY AUNT'S MASTERPIECE OF A PUDDING? Please, stop this! I'll be fucking MURDERED for it!

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Say it, Harry Potter…SAY IT.

**Harry Potter**: I can't!

* * *

**Dobby the House-Elf **sent **Vernon Dursley** a pudding to da ground.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Dobby the House-Elf**'s wall: I FUCKING HATE YOU.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Mr. Mason**'s wall: I'm so sorry…it's just our nephew…he's very disturbed. Meeting strangers upsets him, so we kept him upstairs…

**Harry Potter**: Nice cover.

**Vernon Dursley**: I'm going to flay you to within an inch of your miserable life. It's just a stone-cold fact.

* * *

**Random Ministry Owl #456 **sent **Mrs. Mason** a letter.

**Mrs. Mason** wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LUNATICS!

**Mr. Mason**: What is the meaning of this, Dursley? My wife is deathly afraid of birds – is this some kind of sick joke?

* * *

**Harry Potter** I can't believe I was complaining about how shitty my life was before. I'm actually going to get tortured for this. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: READ IT.

* * *

**Harry Potter** honestly, don't these people at the Ministry of Magic have brains? I didn't even LEARN how to do a Hover Charm yet! Wouldn't they find this a bit suspicious? Of course not, because my life fucking blows. (sent from mobile)

**Vernon Dursley**: It's about to get A LOT WORSE. You failed to tell us that you weren't allowed to use magic outside of school…

**Harry Potter**: Oh my god, a bolt of lightning, PLEASE?

**Vernon Dursley**: I'M LOCKING YOU UP AND YOU'RE NEVER GOING BACK TO THAT SCHOOL AGAIN, AND IF YOU TRY TO MAGIC YOURSELF OUT – YOU'LL GET EXPELLED. MWHAHAHA CATCH-22, BABY!

* * *

**Harry Potter** I'm literally a prisoner right now: I have bars on my window, there's a fucking CAT-FLAP in my bedroom door so I could be given food three times a day, and I'm only allowed out TWICE a day for the bathroom. I would say that life here has reached an all-time low, but that doesn't convey how hellish it really is.

* * *

**Petunia Dursley** sent **Harry Potter** a bowl of cold canned soup.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: Thanks so much for the soup – it's definitely providing me with the proper nutrition needed for a growing twelve-year-old boy.

**Petunia Dursley**: YOU'RE IN NO POSITION TO BE EMPLOYING SARCASM! YOU'RE LUCKY WE'RE NOT LETTING YOU STARVE!

**Harry Potter**: That's exactly my point: YOU ARE STARVING ME.

**Petunia Dursley**: You eat what you get!

* * *

**Harry Potter** sent **Hedwig the Owl** soggy vegetables.

**Hedwig the Owl** sent **Harry Potter** a look of deep disgust.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hedwig the Owl**'s wall: YOU KNOW WHAT, you should be fucking GRATEFUL I'm giving you anything! I'm barely getting enough to feed myself properly! There's no point in acting like a stuck up bitch!

**Hedwig the Owl**: I fucking HATE you for getting us involved in this situation! Why did you let that annoying as FUCK house-elf ruin our lives?

**Harry Potter**: I don't remember seeing you try to stop him!

**Hedwig the Owl**: You have opposable thumbs. I don't. Therefore, you could've done more. Therefore, I can hate you.

**Harry Potter**:THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.

**Hedwig the Owl**:I'd rather be with one of my NUMEROUS ex-lovers that stuck in this hellhole with you, Potter. I'm getting sick of looking at your face.

**Harry Potter**:Oh, I APOLOGIZE. I'm not a CAT or a TROLL, or wait, a fucking SORTING HAT!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Are you trying to make the argument FOR us getting together?

**Harry Potter**:Oh…right. That is creepy. Anyway, aren't you a boy now?

**Hedwig the Owl**:No, I changed back.

**Harry Potter**:Shit…

* * *

**Harry Potter** is fucking STARVING! And is wondering if I don't turn up at Hogwarts, would someone be sent after me? I really hope so, because looking at my life right now, it's the only viable option.

* * *

**Harry Potter** doesn't like to be ogled at! Stop rattling my cages!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: It's me, mate! ^_^

**Harry Potter**: Is this a dream? It must be. I'll go back to sleep now.

**Ronald Weasley**: THIS ISN'T A DREAM, DAMNIT. WAKE UP.

* * *

A/N: Please review! We love hearing your thoughts ^_^

D+K


	2. Part II

A/N: On LJ we had to split this post because of word limit constraints, but we want to have two chapters a post on FFN, so if you're impatient, LJ will be updated first!

Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

Chapter Three

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: RON! X3 X3 X3

**Hedwig the Owl**:And three seconds ago you were confirming that I was a boy as reason why we couldn't have relations…please. I'm too good for you, Potter. Male OR female.

**Harry Potter**:STFU HEDWIG, you'll ruin our escape plan!

**George Weasley**:All right, Harry?

**Harry Potter**:You guys fucking rule!

**Ronald Weasley**:Why haven't you been answering my fucking letters! I've asked you to stay about twelve times and then Dad came home and said you'd got an official warning for using magic in front of Muggles…

**Harry Potter**:First of all, are we looking at the same BARS ON MY WINDOW RIGHT NOW? You think I could send a letter? Also, I didn't get any of your letters because of the same reason that I was wrongfully charged with using magic…wait, how did your dad find out?

**Ronald Weasley**:He works for the Ministry…and you know we're not supposed to do spells outside of school.

**Harry Potter**:Also, try to keep up, pal. I just said I was wrongfully accused. And you should talk! Look at what you're floating in right now! And you sound like Hermione, by the way.

**Ronald Weasley**:This doesn't count. We're only…borrowing…Dad's. _We _didn't enchant it…

**Harry Potter**:Aaaand he's back.

**Ronald Weasley**:Anywho, doing magic in front of those Muggles you live with –

**Harry Potter**:I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T! Ugh, it'll take too long to get that into your head it's a complicated story to begin with. Just break me out of here, bitch!

**Ronald Weasley**:What do you think we drove an enchanted car to your house for in the first place? For a nice midnight chat in the warm breeze?

**Harry Potter**:Well you can't magic me out…

**Ronald Weasley**:"Magic me out"? I don't mean to sound like Hermione so much but seriously, "magic" shouldn't be used as a verb like that it just sounds lame and Muggle-y.

**Fred Weasley**:Here, take this. Tie it around the bars.

**Fred Weasley **sent **Harry Potter **a rope.

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Fred Weasley**'s wall: If the Dursleys wake up, I'm dead.

**Fred Weasley**:Just tie the rope around the bars and stand back, we're professionals.

**Harry Potter**:Righty-o, mate.

* * *

**Harry Potter **BOOOOOM! BREAKING OUT OF THIS SHIT HOLE, MOTHER FUCKERS!

**Ronald Weasley**:GET IN!

**Harry Potter**:I can't! My Hogwarts shit is in my old room!

**Fred Weasley**:And where's that?

**Harry Potter**:Cupboard under the stairs.

**Fred Weasley**:Shit, I thought Ron was joking. Well, no problem, we got this.

* * *

**Fred Weasley **Sneaking into the Dursley's house to get Harry's belongings…I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT. (sent from mobile)

(**George Weasley** and **Harry Potter **like this.)

* * *

**George Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: We'll get your trunk, you grab anything you need from your room and hand it out to Ron.

**Harry Potter**:Kay! Oh, and watch out for the bottom stair – it creaks. I've often gotten caught while sneaking out to chat up some hunniez in town…it really kills my game.

**George Weasley**:Right…

* * *

**Vernon Dursley ***cough*

**Harry Potter**:shit…

**Vernon Dursley**:*cough*

**Harry Potter**:WHY ARE YOU TAUNTING ME, MAN?

**Vernon Dursley**:WTF? Can't a man update his status to inform friends about his mediocre bodily functions? Shit.

**Harry Potter**:Never mind! I'm out, bitchez!

** Vernon Dursley**:Huh?

**Harry Potter**:Omg you're so fucking stupid.

**Vernon Dursley**:THAT RUDDY OWL!

**Harry Potter**:And now you're just being plain stupid. Seriously, stop making cryptic references to my pet while I'm trying to escape – wait, fuck! I forgot Hedwig!

**Ronald Weasley**:HAAARRRY! UGH!

**Harry Potter**:Got her. Phew.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, just get the fuck inside the car. Jesus Harry, it's like you want to get caught. Stop updating your Facebook and get the FUCK out!

* * *

**Vernon Dursley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: It's all over, bitch. RAAAAAAAWR!

**Harry Potter**:I guess that signifies you busting the door open, for all the loyal Facebookers watching this calamity unfold?

**Vernon Dursley**:Er, yes.

**Harry Potter**:Just makings sure.

**Vernon Dursley**:RAWWWRRRRRRRRR ASSUME ANGRY BULL POSITION!

**Harry Potter**:Fuck! Get off my ankle you raging piece of shit! Why do you want me here so badly, anyway!

**Dudley Dursley**:Hahahahahaha this is classic.

**Harry Potter**:Dud, get the FUCK outta here.

**Dudley Dursley**:Technically, *I'm*not in there. I set up a web cam in your room and this whole failed escape plan is live streaming across the Internet via YouTube. Claaaassic.

**Harry Potter**:That's the least of my problems; your fat bastard of a father is yanking my leg out of its socket. I'm rather thin, you know, from the lack of food?

* * *

**Vernon Dursley **wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: HE'S GETTING AWAY! HE'S GETTING AWAY!

**Petunia Dursley**:Ugh, I'm getting too old for this shit.

** Harry Potter**:Haha, too late Petunia. I'm out!

**Petunia Dursley**:*sigh* Whatever.

**Dudley Dursley**:Wow, Dad, you made a complete fool of yourself in there. The comments on this video are HILARIOUS.

**Vernon Dursley**:EXAMPLES?

**Dudley Dursley**:Idk if you really want to see these…

**Vernon Dursley**:DUDLEY, I'M A VERY IMPORTANT MAN AT MY JOB. I CANNOT BE MADE A FOOL. I DEMAND AT ONCE TO SEE WHAT WAS WRITTEN ABOUT ME.

**Dudley Dursley**:Fine, Vernon:

Wizard2409: hahahaha that fat bastard got SERVED.

Baseballrulez: Look at the fat man run! Lolz. This is some good shit.

LilWayneIsMyHomeboy: Eat shit, fat man. Srsly he's obese, though. How could he NOT manage to crush that skinny little bitch?

HamsterChick: Insult to injury! Ha, dumbass.

GingerWitch: That black haired kid with the glasses is pretty cute…

Beiber4lyf: I agree…I'm glad he escaped.

GingerGirl: Back the fuck off.

JonasGirl: Omgz, look at how the fat man falls back and just lies there, rolling on the ground. Who's dad is this?

Dudderz: Mine. Haha.

JonasGirl: You're hilarious ;) Awesome idea. I wish I had the balls to film my dumbass dad. What the heck is he doing anyway?

Dudderz: He's chasing my idiot cousin who thinks he's magical. I'm kind of glad the psychopath escaped, my dad was being such a dumbass shit about locking him in his room. Even I can tell that and I hate the punk.

JonasGirl: Your dad seems like a real ass. Sorry ): 3

**Vernon Dursley**:… O_O

* * *

**Harry Potter **I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M FUCKING FREE! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley**, **George Weasley**, **Fred Weasley**, and **Hermione Jean Granger **like this.)

**Ronald Weasley**:Hey, let Hedwig out. She hasn't been able to stretch her wings in ages.

**Hedwig the Owl**:THANK YOU, GINGER. Srsly, at least somebody has some sort of concern for me.

**Harry Potter**:I TRIED to let you out, the Dursleys wouldn't allow it!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Yeah, you can go ahead and kiss my feathery ass and then just fuck yourself, Potter.

**Ronald Weasley**:Whoa, get shit on, Harry. Haha!

**Harry Potter**:Are you serious?

**Ronald Weasley**:Come on, you have to admit that bird is pretty fucking hilarious.

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, I guess you're right lolz.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Haha, thanks Ron. AGAIN, FUCK YOU, POTTER.

**Harry Potter**:What do you have against me? I've cared for you, I've done everything to make you happy! I thought we were friends!

**Hedwig the Owl**:What gave you *that*impression? How about I just don't like your face? Isn't that enough, fucktard?

**Harry Potter**:WTF? I've never been called a "fucktard" in my life.

**Hedwig the Owl**:It's never too late to start, shithead.

**Ronald Weasley**:Woahhhhahaha! You are pulling out all the stops tonight. Harry, he does NOT like you. I'd back down.

**Harry Potter**:He is a "she" again, *apparently.*

**Hedwig the Owl**:I can sense the sarcasm and intolerance through your FONT, you low-life good-for-shit orphan. Ronald can call me whatever he damn well pleases. And I may be switching back to male, the estrogen is making me INSANE with emotion and you're really making your way onto my shit list.

**Harry Potter**:Making my way *onto* it? I'm surprised you haven't pecked my eyes out yet.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Again, it's never too late to start, shithead.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: So anyway, what's the story? What's been happening?

**Harry Potter**:Blah blah blah Dobby blah blah warning about Hogwarts etc., etc.

**Ronald Weasley**:O_O

**Fred Weasley**:** ***Very*fishy.

**George Weasley**:Definitely dodgy. So he wouldn't even tell you who's supposed to be plotting all this stuff?

**Harry Potter**:I don't think he could…every time he got close to letting something slip, he'd beat the shit out of himself. It was actually really disturbing.

**Fred Weasley**:Hm…I reckon that Dobby was sent to stop you coming back to Hogwarts…someone's idea of a joke. Can you think of anyone at school with a grudge against you?

**Harry Potter**:Yep.

**George Weasley**:Wow, really? That quickly?

**Harry Potter**:I'm the Boy Who Lived. I managed to gain a few jealous enemies.

**Severus Snape**:Oh, yeah, it's jealousy, Potter. Right.

**Harry Potter**:Can't tell if you're sarcastic, Professor.

**Severus Snape**:Oh, you are just so fucking snarky -_-

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Fred Weasley**'s wall: Anyway, before we were rudely interrupted by a *different*enemy…the one I was referring to was Draco Malfoy.

**Fred Weasley**:Lucius Malfoy's son?

**Harry Potter**:Er, yes…I guess so? Not really a common name…

**George Weasley**:I've heard Dad talking about him. He's a big supporter of You-Know-Who…

**Harry Potter**:Big fucking surprise.

**Fred Weasley**:And when You-Know-Who disappeared, Lucius Malfoy came back saying he'd never meant any of it. Load of shit.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is wondering if the Malfoy's have a house-elf…on a side note, Malfoy makes Dudley look like a kind, thoughtful, and sensitive boy. (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley**:Fuck you. But you already got me 20,000 hits on YouTube, and for that, I thank you. Little shit.

**Harry Potter**:Hardy har har. But guess what? Only making me more fucking famous – in your world _and _mine, bitch.

**Dudley Dursley**:Just because you can wave a piece of fucking wood around doesn't mean you're from a different "world." Conceited much? I'm starting to agree with this Snape fellow stalking around Facebook.

**Dudley Dursley **and **Severus Snape **are now friends.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Anyway, I'm glad we decided to come to get you. I was really worried when you didn't answer my letters. I thought I was Errol's fault at first…

**Harry Potter**:Errol?

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, yeah. Our owl. He's *ancient.* It wouldn't be the first time he collapsed on a delivery…

**Harry Potter**:Wow, kind of insensitive.

**Ronald Weasley**:Seriously? Your own owl just bitched you out so bad I wouldn't be so…keen on owls if I were you.

**Harry Potter**:Just cause Hedwig's PMS'ing doesn't mean I loathe all owls.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Ignoring your rude and completely inaccurate comment, considering the fact I'm an owl and don't experience PMS. And I did Errol back in the 80's. Nothing special, he didn't blow my mind or anything but I can only imagine how decrepit he is now.

**Harry Potter**:Hedwig, you are barely two fucking years old. You are so full of shit.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Meep.

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, yeah. Retreat to the damn owl talk instead of having a legitimate, intelligent conversation based on FACT.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Meep fucking _meep_.

**Harry Potter**:-_-

**Ronald Weasley**:Anyway, then I tried using Hermes…

**Harry Potter**:WHO?

**Fred Weasley**:The owl Mum and Dad bought Percy when he was made prefect…

**Ronald Weasley**:But of course Percy, the fucktard, wouldn't let me borrow him.

**Harry Potter**:Is this a new curse word I wasn't aware of?

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, Hedwig started it. It's rather catchy. She's kind of talented.

**Harry Potter**:Great…so does your dad know you have this car?

**Ronald Weasley**:Fuck no. He would skin us alive. Well, Mum would. He would just stand by and watch, I assume. But, here's hoping that we can get it back in the garage without Mum noticing we flew it.

**Harry Potter**:What does he do at the Ministry of Magic, anyway?

**Ronald Weasley**:Ugh, he works in the most boring department ever…the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office.

**Harry Potter**:That sounds pretty cool…

**Ronald Weasley**:Let's face it, you don't even know what it means, lol.

**Harry Potter**:You're sort of right…

**Ronald Weasley**:It just has to do with bewitching things that are Muggle-made, in case they end up back in a Muggle shop or house.

**Fred Weasley**:We're here!

* * *

**Harry Potter **Holy shit! The Burrow is wonderful ^_^ (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Are you shitting me?

** Harry Potter**:No, this is literally the greatest house I've ever seen.

**Ronald Weasley**:Wow, you _are_ sheltered.

**Molly Weasley**:WTF IS GOING ON HERE?

* * *

**Harry Potter **thinks it's remarkable how much a short, plump, kind-faced woman can look like a saber-toothed tiger. (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley**:That's a really questionable analogy, Harry lolz.

**Harry Potter**:I wouldn't have bet that you knew what "analogy" meant…

**Ronald Weasley**:True. Hermione's rubbing off on me I guess…gag me with a spoon.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Gladly.

**Ronald Weasley**:Of course you were stalking our wall-to-wall. Of course.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You can't escape me.

**Ronald Weasley**:Wow that is the scariest shit I've ever heard. Srsly I just got the chills.

**Harry Potter**:Ditto T_T

* * *

**George Weasley **wrote on **Molly Weasley**'s wall: Well, I'll break the tension. Morning, Mum!

**Molly Weasley**:WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

**George Weasley**:Not the response I was expecting exactly…

**Fred Weasley**:For real? I was expecting to be dead by now, actually. I prepared a will before I left the house.

**George Weasley**:Well, yeah. I've had a will prepared since we were five and we decided we were going to be the most intrusive, loud-mouthed, but overall loveably adorable troublemakers of all time.

**Molly Weasley**:MEHHHHHH! YOU LITTLE SHITS ARE SO IN FOR IT. SHUT YOUR FACES. BEDS EMPTY! NO NOTE! DO YOU EVEN CARE! WE NEVER HAD TROUBLE LIKE THIS WITH YOUR GODSENT BROTHERS! AND FORGET ABOUT PERCY HE'S A PRECIOUS ANGEL SENT FROM ABOVE.

**Fred Weasley**:Um, but Percy's a-

**George Weasley**:Douche.

**Molly Weasley**:Yes, boys, I know. BUT HE STILL DOESN'T PULL SHIT LIKE THIS – IT'S GOING TO PUT ME IN AN EARLY GRAVE!11!1!11! Oh, Harry! It's spectacular to see you, dear. Come in and have some breakfast ^_^

**Harry Potter**:Thank you, Mrs. Weasley.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Bi-polar much?

**Ronald Weasley**:ahahaha tell me about it.

* * *

**Molly Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Now, Harry, I don't blame you whatsoever. Well, except for the fact that if you weren't ignoring my son's frantic letters, they wouldn't have stolen their father's car to come rescue you. Though I assume there's a perfectly logical reason for the snub.

**Harry Potter**:Er, yes. I was kind of…deceived by a house-elf…sort of. And, um, I was locked in my room and starved to near-death…

**Molly Weasley**:STARVED? YOU'RE NEVER LEAVING! GOD DAMN THOSE SHIT HEAD MUGGLES!

**Fred Weasley**:Whoa! Mum!

**George Weasley**:And the truth comes out, ladies and gents.

**Molly Weasley**:I have nothing against _all _Muggles…well, okay, maybe I have a sort of…distaste towards them considering your fathers' vapid obsession with their culture. I mean for goodness sake, he's always toiling around with toaster ovens and god only knows what else…the other day I saw him staring at a small kitchen timer as if it were going to sprout legs and do a little dance. You think these sorts of things wouldn't affect a man surrounded my magic his entire life, but no, no…

**Fred Weasley**:Wow.

**Molly Weasley**:Anyway, glad to have you here, Harry. Those relatives are your sound quite rotten.

**Ginny Weasley**:*squeal!*

**Ronald Weasley**:Ugh.

**Harry Potter**:Wtf?

**Ronald Weasley**:My sister, Ginny. She's been talking about you all summer. In fact, I'm sure she's already commented on that YouTube video of you escaping your uncle's clutches thirty thousandtimes.

**Ginny Weasley**:Have not!

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, really, GingerWitch?

**Ginny Weasley**: Bastard.

* * *

**Fred Weasley **wrote on **Molly Weasley**'s wall: Kay, Mummy. I'm going to beddy-bye now. Byebyez.

**Molly Weasley**:DON'T YOU DARE EVEN START THAT SHIT WITH ME! YOU'RE DE-GNOMEING THE GARDEN FOR ME!

**Fred Weasley**:Fuck this shit…

* * *

**Molly Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You can go straight to bed, cutie-pie! _You _didn't ask to me driven in a flying car!

**Harry Potter**:Er, yes, but I completely appreciate it. Seriously, I was wasting away in there.

**Molly Weasley**:Poor baby ): xoxoxox

**Harry Potter**:Thanksies Mrs. Weasley. You're the bestest!

**Ronald Weasley**:Suck up! Now you have to help.

**Harry Potter**:Ugh. Fine.

* * *

**Molly Weasley **wrote on **Fred Weasley**'s wall: Okay, let's look and see what Lockhart has to say about de-gnomeing…

**Fred Weasley**:Fuck Lockhart! He's such a pansy. We know how to de-gnome a garden, Mum, we've been forced to do so numerous, numerous times.

* * *

**Molly Weasley **joined the group Gilderoy Lockhart is a Sexy Beast X3.

**Molly Weasley **omgz Gilderoy is such a *stud.* He knows his household pests, alright.

**Fred Weasley**:Seriously? He knows shit. You just like his blonde flowing locks.

**Molly Weasley**:Out to the garden!

**Fred Weasley**:You're stroking his face!

**Molly Weasley**:OUT!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **De-gnomeing. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck so bored (sent from mobile).

**Harry Potter **added "flinging gnomes" to their interests.

* * *

**Arthur Weasley **is exhausted. Tough day at the office…the only thing he won't be able to handle right now is his wife throwing his genius enchantments in his face lol.

**Molly Weasley**:Hmmmmmmmm.

**Arthur Weasley**: I feel our conversation is about to be quite ironic.

**Molly Weasley**:Good guess. You should add "mind reader" to your list of interests along with mindlessly enchanting cars and leaving them for our young, STUPID children to get a hold of.

**Arthur Weasley**:I'm getting too old for this shit.

**Molly Weasley**:Harry arrived this morning in YOUR flying car! You know, the flying car that you can _technically_ own because you made sure there was a loophole in the law that YOU wrote! And I wonder where our boys got such an interest in trouble…look at my husband! He's a child himself!

**Arthur Weasley**:And who the fuck is Harry, might I ask, Molly dear?

**Molly Weasley**:Really? That's all you took from the entire paragraph? How many famous Harrys do *you*know, Arthur?

**Arthur Weasley **OH! Harry *Potter!* Sheesh! This is to meet you, Harry!

**Molly Weasley**:DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT YOUR SONS AND THEIR COMPLETE DISREGARD FOR RULES? THEY FLEW YOUR CAR TO HARRY'S HOUSE AND BACK LAST NIGHT!

* * *

**Arthur Weasley **wrote on **Fred Weasley**'s wall: Did you really? Did it go all right?

** Fred Weasley**:EXCELLENT!

**Molly Weasley **sent **Arthur Weasley **a spark-filled glance.

**Arthur Weasely **wrote on **Fred Weasley**'s wall: Er…I mean, that was very wrong, boys – very wrong, indeed…

**Molly Weasley**:Yes, very convincing, Arthur. Love your parenting style. Excellent.

**Fred Weasley**:^_^

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Let's get out of here. I'll show you my bedroom ;)

**Dudley Dursley**:See…are either of you mildly understanding of why I make fun of you two? I mean…not only do you tell Harry you're going to show him your bedroom, but you felt the need to add a winky face at the end…I'm just…I'm not judging, I'm merely uncomfortable with the fact that you hide what you two really feel. Don't pretend, just…come out with it already.

**Harry Potter**:Sure, Ron! ;)

**Dudley Dursley**:Fine. Ignore me. I'll assume the winky face at the end of YOUR response isn't just you screwing with me, but a confirmation of your strange, pseudo friendship/lover-relationship with Ron.

* * *

**Harry Potter** doesn't quite understand why everything in Ron's room is a violent shade of orange… (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: So…what do you think? You know, besides the distaste over the color of my room…

**Harry Potter**:Ron, this is the best house I've ever been in. Honestly.

**Ronald Weasley**:^_^ Best friends forever.

**Harry Potter**:Besties.

**Dudley Dursley**:Seriously. I can't. What. The. Fuck.

* * *

Chapter Four

**Kitchen Mantelpiece Mirror** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Tuck your shirt in, scruffy!

**Harry Potter**: HOLY SHIT!

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah, it does that. A lot.

**Kitchen Mantelpiece Mirror**: Tuck your shirt in, scruffy!

**Ronald Weasley**: YEAH, YEAH. WE GOT IT.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Hey, what's the howling? It kept me up all night.

**Ronald Weasley**: Oh, it's just a ghoul. It lives in the attic. Nbd.

**Harry Potter**: WTF? Shouldn't you call an exterminator or something? It drops PIPES – that can't be good. I'm honestly surprised this house hasn't fallen apart yet – between pipes probably being removed from their proper places and the frequent explosions from Fred and George's room…this house should be a pile of ashes.

**Ronald Weasley**: One of life's greatest mysteries.

* * *

**Harry Potter** loves **Molly Weasley**, but would like for her to stop trying to force-feed me fourth helpings. It was great for the first three days…now it's just making me sick.

(**Molly Weasley** likes this.)

**Molly Weasley**: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS EATING TOO MUCH. NOW FINISH THAT FIFTH SLICE OF PIE.

** Harry Potter**: Yes, Mrs. Weasley.

* * *

**Arthur Weasley** poked **Harry Potter**.

**Arthur Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Harry! You MUST explain to me how a telephone works!

**Harry Potter**: You know you don't have to poke me to get my attention, right?

**Arthur Weasley**: I'm providing you with food and shelter, boy, now you must accept everything given to you with a smile on your face. Now, please explain to me how a telephone works, or I'm throwing you out onto the street :)

**Harry Potter**: Now I can kind of see why you and Mrs. Weasley are married. Er…alright, then. I'll just do this in person…

* * *

**Arthur Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: FASCINATING! It's so ingenious, how Muggles can survive without magic. Honestly, if I were a Muggle, I would probably kill myself.

**Harry Potter**: It's really not that bad when you don't know about the existence of magic.

**Arthur Weasley**: Yep, I would definitely kill myself.

* * *

**Ginny Weasley** OMFG **Harry Potter** just came into the kitchen! I think, like, I'm going to pass out.

**Harry Potter**:I've been here a week…I really don't understand why you have to knock things over whenever I come into the same room that you're in.

**Ginny Weasley**: Wait…are you serious? You have no clue why I just knocked my porridge onto the floor?

**Harry Potter**: Is it some sort of wizarding tradition that I'm unfamiliar with?

**Ginny Weasley**: Wow, you're pretty thick. Good thing you're really good-looking.

**Harry Potter**: Huh?

* * *

**Harry Potter** is ignoring **Ginny Weasley**'s crazy antics. And the fact that her face is glowing like the setting sun.

**Dudley Dursley**: I'm sorry, but really? "Glowing like the setting sun"? Honestly, Potter, you're ridic.

**Harry Potter**: Oh my god, would you just leave me the fuck alone? I don't want to have to deal with you until next summer, damn it! And stop dissing my works – it's pure poetry.

**Dudley Dursley**: Do you and Weasel write them together?

**Harry Potter**: WOULD YOU DROP THAT?

**Dudley Dursley**: Never – not until you stop coming up with preposterous expressions for everything.

**Harry Potter**: That's a big word for you, Dudders. Did you ask your mummy what it meant?

**Dudley Dursley**:SHUT UP. And yes.

* * *

**Arthur Weasley **sent **Harry Potter** and **Ronald Weasley** Hogwarts letters.

**Arthur Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Dumbledore already knows you're here – doesn't miss a trick, that man.

**Harry Potter**: Well, honestly, he has to know where I am at all times. I'm a pretty big deal.

**Arthur Weasley**: To be quite honest, I should've sent a letter to Dumbledore myself, explaining to him your predicament. At least, that would've been the sensible thing to do, but I figured that it wasn't necessary.

**Harry Potter**: Lovely.

**Arthur Weasley** sent **Fred Weasley** and **George Weasley** Hogwarts letters.

* * *

**Harry Potter** my letter told me to catch the Hogwarts Express as usual from King's Cross station on September first.

**Ronald Weasley**: Er, yes, that's not a piece of information that's just in your letter.

**Harry Potter**: Since when do you get so nit-picky like Granger? And I've known I was a wizard for only a year – how was I supposed to know that the train leaves on September first every year? For all I knew, it could change.

**Ronald Weasley**: I don't know if you've noticed, Harry, but Hogwarts is fucking old – NOTHING CHANGES. Absolutely nothing.

**Harry Potter**: Geez…

* * *

**Harry Potter** can't help but notice that I have to buy a ton of books by a so-called Gilderoy Lockhart…anyone know who he is?

(**Molly Weasley** likes this.)

**Fred Weasley**: Ugh, we have to get all his shit, too. I bet the new DADA professor is a bimbo of a witch.

**George Weasley**: Yeah, and they're really expensive. This guy must be a complete prick to sell his books at such a high price…

**Molly Weasley**: Don't worry about it. We'll manage…I hope. And we could always get Ginny's stuff secondhand.

**Ginny Weasley**: Thanks, Mum, truly.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ginny Weasley**'s wall: So you're starting Hogwarts this year?

**Harry Potter**:I'll take the nod and the elbowing the butter dish as a yes.

* * *

**Percy Weasley** wrote on **Molly Weasley**'s wall: Morning, everyone. Lovely day.

**Fred Weasley**: Aw, widdle Percy has his pwefect badge pinned to his sweater vest.

**George Weasley**: I know, Fwed, isn't he adowable?

**Percey Weasley**: KNOCK THE FUCK OFF.

**Fred Weasley**: ^_^

**George Weasley**: ^_^

* * *

**Harry Potter **cannot believe that moulting, gray feather duster **Percy Weasley** almost sat on is an owl!

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah, that's Errol.

**Harry Potter**: Fuck, you weren't exaggerating. He has to be the oldest thing I've ever seen since Dumbledore. Now I know Hedwig's full of shit – this could be her great-great-grandpa!

**Hedwig the Owl**: Don't insult my man, BITCH.

**Harry Potter**:NO, you're NOT fucking Errol! There's no fucking way! He's going to keel over any second!

**Hedwig the Owl**: Believe it or not, Potter, I'm capable of having relations with others that don't involve sex. So fuck you, you judgmental ASSHOLE.

**Harry Potter**: But you're fucking him, aren't you?

**Hedwig the Owl**: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, SCAR-HEAD.

**Harry Potter**: I'm taking that as a yes.

**Hedwig the Owl**: MEEP.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** sent** Ronald Weasley** a letter.

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Why didn't Errol give this to me?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: He doesn't have a Facebook. He's rather old, you know.

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah, I'm fully aware because he IS my family owl! Christ.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Read this letter – she's a fucking nutter – "busy with schoolwork, of course" – honestly, Harry, we need to dump her ass STAT.

**Harry Potter**: We can't get rid of her – she's useful on our misadventures.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: That's right, Ronald, you'd be nothing without my intellect. In fact, without me, let's face it, you would be held back this year. You barely even passed with MY help, and I'm a miracle worker.

**Ronald Weasley**: Ughhhhh the worst part about going back to Hogwarts isn't the homework – IT'S YOU.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Can't wait to see you in Diagon Alley! ^_^

**Harry Potter**: Just let it go, Ron, let it go.

**Ronald Weasley**: -_-

* * *

**Harry Potter** is excited to play Quidditch with **Ronald Weasley**, **Fred Weasley**, and **George Weasley**!

(**Ronald Weasley** and **Oliver Wood** likes this.)

**Oliver Wood**: Good, PRACTICE YOU FOOLS!

**Fred Weasley**: Ugh, Wood, buzz off. Stop stalking our profiles for any mentions of Quidditch.

**Oliver Wood**; IT'S MY JOB.

**George Weasley**: You're fucking sixteen. Your only job right now is to pass your classes.

**Oliver Wood**: What are those?

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Percy Weasley**'s wall: Hey, do you wanna play Quidditch?

**Percy Weasley**: "Wanna" is not a word, Ronald. And because of your abuse of the English language, I will not. Also I'm very busy with secret stuff.

**Ronald Weasley**: Oh, thank god! Mum forced me to ask you, and I really didn't want you to join. Enjoy being lame!

* * *

**Fred Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I wish I knew what Percy the prat was up to. He actually hasn't been as pompous as he usually is. His exam results came before you did – 12 O.W.L.s and he DIDN'T EVEN GLOAT. Honestly, what the fuck.

**Harry Potter**: What are O.W.L.s? Honestly, I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that I've only known about being a wizard for a year. I barely know shit.

**George Weasley**: They're Ordinary Wizarding Levels. Bill got 12, too. If we're not careful, we'll have another Head Boy in the family. I don't think I could stand the shame.

**Harry Potter**: Haha, oh you guys are too funny.

**Fred Weasley**: Oh, we're serious. Seppuku, baby.

**Harry Potter**: O_O

* * *

**Harry Potter **is rather concerned for the Weasleys – they all seem very interested in killing themselves…

(**Arthur Weasley**, **Fred Weasley**, and **George** **Weasley** like this.)

* * *

**George Weasley** wrote on **Fred Weasley**'s wall: We're kind of fucked royally this year for money – all of LockPRAT's books and Ginny needs to get all her shit…

**Fred Weasley**: What a waste – that money could've been used on joke products.

**George Weasley**: Amen, brother.

* * *

**Harry Potter** feels awkward hearing about the Weasleys talk about their financial troubles…

* * *

**Harry Potter** LOVES bacon sandwiches X3 Thanks, **Molly Weasley**!

(**Molly Weasley** likes this.)

**Molly Weasley**: Oh, you're welcome, dear! :)

**Dudley Dursley**: Bacon sandwiches? Yum. YOU DON'T DESERVE SUCH DELICIOUSNESS.

**Molly Weasley**: Harry, who is this boy? He looks rather large in his default – he's clearly fed well – THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO HAPPEN TO YOU.

**Harry Potter**: Mrs. Weasley – he's my fat bastard of a cousin. And that's quite alright – I don't want to become as obese as he is.

**Dudley Dursley**: You're just jealous, Potty.

**Molly Weasley**: I'm afraid your cousin's right, Harry.

* * *

**Molly Weasley **and **Dudley Dursley** are now friends.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: STOP BEFRIENDING PEOPLE FROM MY WORLD, YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT.

**Dudley Dursley**: I can't help it if your freaks want to be friends with me! :P

** Harry Potter**: lsdkfjldfkjlsdjflsdjldfbjflgj

** Dudley Dursley**: Throwing a tantrum isn't going to help you.

**Harry Potter**: THIS IS COMING FROM THE SAME ASSHOLE WHO PROJECTILE-VOMITED ONTO HIS MOTHER'S BLOUSE SO HE COULD READ SOMEONE ELSE'S MAIL. You're in NO position to lecture!

**Molly Weasley**: YOU TREAT YOUR MOTHER THIS WAY? SHAME ON YOU!

**Molly Weasley **and **Dudley Dursley** are no longer friends.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: HAHA!

**Molly Weasley**:NO TAUNTING!

**Harry Potter**: Yes, Mrs. Weasley**.**

**Dudley Dursley**: Haha, Potter, submitting to a crazy woman who isn't even your mother!

**Molly Weasley**: You can shut your mouth as well!

**Dudley Dursley**: Yes, ma'am.

* * *

**Molly Weasley** wrote on **Arthur Weasley**'s wall: We need to buy more Floo powder, dear. We're running low.

**Arthur Weasley**:Great, like we're not going to be spending enough money as it is today.

**Molly Weasley**: I don't appreciate your sarcasm, dear.

* * *

**Molly Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Guests first!

**Harry Potter**:…What the fuck am I supposed to do?

**Ronald Weasley**: Mum – he's never traveled by Floo powder. Sorry, Harry, I forgot.

**Harry Potter**: This is getting ridiculous now – HOW do you keep forgetting?

**Arthur Weasley**: Then how the hell did you get to Diagon Alley last year?

**Harry Potter**: The Muggle way, DUH: I went on the Underground.

**Arthur Weasley**: REALLY? Were there escapators?

**Harry Potter**: I have no idea what you're trying to refer to – you keep fucking up Muggle objects, and I can't understand you.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I believe Mr. Weasleyis trying to ask you if there are ESCALADORS. Wow, you are truly Ronald's father.

**Arthur Weasley**: I take it that's the same Hermione Jean Granger who makes Ron cry every week.

**Ronald Weasley**: I don't cry every week! It was just that one time when she was especially snarky as she insulted my intelligence.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I'm sure you meant your LACK of intelligence.

**Ronald Weasley**: T_T

* * *

**Molly Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Floo powder is a hell of a lot quicker, but if you've never used it before…

**Harry Potter**: Please don't trail of ominously like that. Now I know for sure something is going to go awfully wrong.

**Fred Weasley**: Oh, you'll be fine. Just watch us first!

* * *

**Harry Potter** HOLY SHIT GREEN FLAMES MADE **Fred Weasley **DISAPPEAR! (sent from mobile)

**Molly Weasley**: You just have to speak clearly, and be sure not to fuck up with the grates…

**Harry Potter**:WTF are you talking about?

**Arthur Weasley**: Hakuna Matata, everyone. Harry will be fine.

**Molly Weasley**: How will I explain to his aunt and uncle how we lost him?

**Harry Potter**: Please don't talk about me as if you'd already LOST me! And they honestly wouldn't give a shit – they'd think it would be hilarious if I got stuck in a chimney somewhere.

**Dudley Dursley**: Got that right, arseface.

**Harry Potter**: That's nice. I kind of thought that maybe you would show some concern if I never came back.

**Dudley Dursley**: Nope. Now that you've mentioned this, we're planning a huge fucking party to celebrate.

**Harry Potter**: Lovely.

* * *

**Molly Weasley** and **Ronald Weasley** sent **Harry Potter** tips for successfully traveling by Floo powder.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: I hope you know that all those suggestions are not going to be remembered.

* * *

**Harry Potter** traveling by Floo powder is like being sucked down a giant drain – it BLOWS. (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley**: And you would know that, eh? Lord knows how many times I stuffed your fat head down the toilet at school.

**Harry Potter**: Go fuck yourself.

** Dudley Dursley**: ^_^

* * *

**Harry Potter **I'm a mess: I'm dizzy and bruised, covered in soot, my glasses snapped, and I have no idea where the fuck I am. FML. (sent from mobile)

(**Dudley Dursley** likes this.)

**Harry Potter**: WOULD YOU STOP STALKING MY PROFILE AND LIVE YOUR LIFE? Why don't go outside and exercise – God knows you need to lose about 500 pounds.

**Dudley Dursley**: *gasp!* THAT'S a low blow.

**Harry Potter**: Are you joking? I probably make fun of your obesity, like, five times a day.

**Dudley Dursley**: Yeah, well, did you ever stop to think that maybe those kinds of insults hurt my feelings?

**Harry Potter**: Oh, you have feelings? That's new. I don't recall you having feelings as you laughed and gave me flushies every Tuesday and Thursday.

**Dudley Dursley**: Insensitive prick.

**Harry Potter**: I would love to argue about this further, but I'm kind of lost at the moment. You can start an inbox or something. But I'm not making any promises about responding.

* * *

**Harry Potter** Of course I land in a wizard shop that's full of evil shit. Of course. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Lucius Malfoy** wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: Touch nothing, Draco.

**Draco Malfoy**: I thought you were going to buy me a present.

**Lucius Malfoy**: I said I would buy you a racing broom.

** Draco Malfoy**: I'm sorry, that doesn't qualify as a present?

**Lucius Malfoy**: No, it doesn't, because it's an embarrassment to me if my children aren't given the best. And don't be a smart arse.

**Draco Malfoy**: But what's the point of owning a racing broom of I'm not on the House team? Harry-fucking-Potter got a Nimbus Two Thousand last year all because he's Dumbledore's favorite student. He's not even that good, it's all because he's *famous*…for having a fucking *scar* on his forehead. Fuck, everyone thinks he's so fucking *brilliant,* wondering Potter with his *scar* and his _*broomstick*…_

**Lucius Malfoy**: OMFG STFU already! You've made this rant at least a dozen times. And I would remind you that it's not _prudent_ to appear less than found of Harry Potter, especially since he's pretty much considered a saint to most of our kind.

* * *

**Harry Potter** damn, and people think I'M obsessed with Malfoy – puh-lease! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Lucius Malfoy** wrote on **Mr. Borgin**'s wall: Nice of you to greet us.

**Mr. Borgin**: Mr. Malfoy, what a pleasure it is to see you. And young Master Malfoy, too. Charmed. How may I be of assistance? I've recently received some reasonably priced items…

**Lucius Malfoy**: Not buying – I'm selling. The Ministry is conducting more raids. I have a few _items_ at home that might embarrass me, if you catch my drift.

**Mr. Borgin**: No way the Ministry would trouble you, surely?

**Lucius Malfoy**: Not yet, but the Ministry grows ever more meddlesome. There are rumors about a new Muggle Protection Act – no doubt that flea-bitten, Muggle-loving fool Arthur Weasley is behind it.

* * *

**Harry Potter** really hates Malfoy's dad – he's even more miserable and dick-ish than his son! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** spots something fun in Borgin and Burkes! I WANT IT! (sent from mobile)

**Mr. Borgin**: It's called the Hand of Glory – it's rather awesome. Insert a candle and it gives light only to the holder. Really useful for thieves and plunderers.

**Lucius Malfoy**: I hope my son will amount to more than a thief or a plunderer.

**Mr. Borgin**: Oh, fuck, should've realized it could've been taken that way. I meant no offense…

**Lucius Malfoy**: But if your grades don't pick up, Draco, then that may be the only fitting job for you…

**Draco Malfoy**: It's not my fault that all the professors have favorites, like that loser Hermione Granger.

**Lucius Malfoy**: You should be ASHAMED that a girl of no wizard family beat you in every exam.

**Harry Potter**: BURN!

**Draco Malfoy**: ?

**Harry Potter**:Oh…just stalking Facebook…ignore me…

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** is browsing the store – OOOOH SHINY NECKLACE! Me wantyyyyyyy. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Lucius Malfoy** wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: Come along, Draco. We're leaving.

* * *

**Harry Potter** HOLY FUCK that was so close – I thought for sure Malfoy was going to open the cabinet… (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Lucius Malfoy** wrote on **Mr. Borgin**'s wall: I expect you at the manor tomorrow to pick up the goods.

* * *

**Harry Potter** of course the Malfoys would refer to their house as a "manor." What douche bags. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Mr. Borgin** thank Merlin that the Malfoys are gone – bunch of assholes. They're not selling half the good shit I know they have in their manor.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is peacing out of Borgin and Burkes! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Apparently I'm in Knockturn Alley – anyone know where that is?

**Harry Potter**: HELP! I'm being leered at by an aged witch with mossy teeth!

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Harry – what the bloody fuck are you doing here?

**Harry Potter**: HAGRID! I COULD KISS YOU RIGHT NOW.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: I'm going to ignore that blatantly homosexual comment and ask you why you're down here.

**Harry Potter**: Clearly, I was lost, if you had paid attention to any of my statuses you wouldn't have asked that stupid question. It was because of Floo powder, in case you wanted to know.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: That's why I asked the question in the first place! Christ, Harry. This isn't a very nice way to start our reunion. Btw, you're very dirty.

**Harry Potter**: Yeah, well, it's been a rather difficult summer. I've had a lot of shit to deal with.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: You're twelve-years-old, what kind of shit do you possibly have to deal with?

**Harry Potter**: IMPORTANT SHIT. Besides, why were YOU down there, anyway?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: _*_I* was looking for Flesh-Eating Slug Repellent.

**Harry Potter**: Oh, that explains EVERYTHING.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: They're ruining the school cabbages.

**Harry Potter**: And that's a bad thing, why?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Ugh, are you staying with anyone? I want to drop you off with them so we can just end this awful encounter.

**Harry Potter**: I'm staying with the Weasleys – let's go find them because we both seem to be in crabby moods.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Why didn't you write back to me?

**Harry Potter**: Aaaaand the reason for the crabbiness is revealed. I'll explain in person since it's kind of long.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Fuck those Muggles!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Harry! I'm over here!

**Harry Potter**: Oh…yay…

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Hey! Be nice! We haven't seen each other in forever!

**Harry Potter**: Yeah, yeah.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Are you coming into Gringotts? And what happened to your glasses?

**Harry Potter**: As soon as I've found the Weasleys. And I'm not explaining this again – you can find out later.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Fine.

* * *

**Arthur Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Harry! Thank MERLIN you only went one grate too far – Molly's freaking out right now.

**Ronald Weasley**: Where did you come out?

** Rubeus Hagrid**: Knockturn Alley.

** Fred Weasley**:Excellent!

** George Weasley**: Lucky bastard!

** Ronald Weasley**: We've never been allowed in…

** Rubeus Hagrid**: I should think not!

**Ronald Weasley**: This is coming from the same individual who tried to keep a fucking DRAGON on Hogwarts grounds!

**Rubeus Hagrid**: You just HAD to bring up Norbert again, didn't you? Cold-hearted prick!

* * *

**Molly Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Oh, HARRY! You could've been anywhere!

**Harry Potter**: I'm only forgiving you for making me travel by Floo powder because you're cleaning off all the soot on me.

* * *

**Arthur Weasley** sent **Harry Potter** fixed glasses.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Arthur Weasley**'s wall: Thanksies!

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** is peacing out of Diagon Alley! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Guess who I saw in Borgin and Burkes – Malfoy and his father.

**Arthur Weasley**: Did Lucius Malfoy buy anything?

**Harry Potter**: Geez, you scared me there…don't lurk behind me. And he was selling.

**Arthur Weasley**: HAH! So he's worried…I'd love to get him for something…

** Molly Weasley**: Be careful, Arthur. That family is trouble.

** Arthur Weasley**: You don't think I'm a match for Lucius Malfoy?

**Molly Weasley**: I love you very much, hun, so don't make me answer that question.

* * *

**Arthur Weasley **OOOH! MUGGLES! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** is joined with his crew once more. Sundaes on me! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley** and **Hermione Jean Granger** like this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Thanks, Harry! This strawberry-and-peanut-butter ice cream is delicious!

**Harry Potter**: No probs!

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah, thanks, mate, even though it really didn't make a dent in your savings…

**Harry Potter**: Geez, Ron, way to make my gesture a miserable one!

* * *

**Percy Weasley** added "Prefects Who Gained Power" to their Favorite Books.

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Percy Weasley**'s wall: Oh yes, that book looks *riveting.*

**Percy Weasley**: Go away!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Percy's a very ambitious tosser – he wants to be Minister of Magic.

**Harry Potter**: That's a very Slytherin characteristic. Hmm…foreshadowing? Who knows. But it's on here for future reference!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** is attending Gilderoy Lockhart Book Signing Flourish and Blotts.

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Oh no…are you a fan?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: He's written almost the whole booklist! THIS IS SO EXCITING.

**Ronald Weasley**: Okay, phew, so it's just an academic interest.

**Hermione Jean Granger **joined Gilderoy Lockhart is a Sexy Beast X3.

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Ugh, I hate you.

* * *

**Molly Weasley** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Good, you're all here! We'll be able to see him in a minute…I can barely contain myself!

(**Hermione Jean Granger** likes this.)

* * *

**Random Daily Prophet Photographer** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Out of the way! This is for the Daily Prophet!

** Ronald Weasley**: Big-FUCKING-whoop!

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: It CAN'T be HARRY POTTER?

**Harry Potter**: Oh boy…

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Nice big smile, Harry! Together, you and I are worth the front page!

**Harry Potter**: I can't believe you just dived forward and nearly ripped my arm out of its socket so I could be in a picture with you. And now I can't feel my fingers. So I'm just going to go back to the Weasleys…

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Oh no you don't! I have to make my big speech!

**Harry Potter**: Fuck.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** wrote on Gilderoy Lockhart Book Signing Flourish and Blotts's wall: Ladies and gentlemen! This is the perfect moment for me to make a little announcement I've been sitting on for some time! When young Harry here stepped into Flourish and Blotts today, he only wanted to buy my autobiography, which I shall be happy to present him now, free of charge.

**Harry Potter** is attending Gilderoy Lockhart Book Signing Flourish and Blotts.

**Harry Potter** wrote on Gilderoy Lockhart Book Signing Flourish and Blotts's wall: No, I really didn't plan on buying it since it wasn't on the course list.

**Gilderoy Lockhart** wrote on Gilderoy Lockhart Book Signing Flourish and Blotts's wall: He had NO IDEA that he would shortly be getting much, much more than my book, _Magical Me_. He and his schoolmates will, in fact, be getting the real magical me. Yes, that's right, I have great pleasure and pride in announcing that this September, I will be taking up the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts! You may applaud now.

* * *

**Harry Potter** Oh my god, this is so embarrassing – I want to get the hell out of here! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** sent **Harry Potter** The entire Lockhart collection.

**Harry Potter** sent **Ginny Weasley** The entire Lockhart collection.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ginny Weasley**'s wall: You have these, I'll buy my own.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Bet you loved that, didn't you, Potter? _Famous_ Harry Potter. Can't even go into a *bookshop* without making the front page!

**Ginny Weasley**: Leave him alone, he didn't want all that!

**Harry Potter**: Wow, this is the first time you've ever spoken in front of me.

**Draco Malfoy**: Oh, look, Potter, you've got yourself a *girlfriend!*

**Harry Potter**: Bloody hell, what are you, twelve? Well, you are, but you know what I mean! How immature can you get?

**Ronald Weasley**: Oh, it's you. Bet you're surprised to see Harry here.

**Harry Potter**: What the hell does that mean?

**Draco Malfoy**: Actually, I'm more surprised to see YOU in a shop. Is your family going to go hungry for a month paying for everything?

**Ronald Weasley**: Battle royale, baby!

**Harry Potter**: No, Ron!

* * *

**Arthur Weasley** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: What are you doing? Let's go outside – this shop has surpassed its safety capacity.

**Lucius Malfoy** wrote on **Arthur Weasley**'s wall: Well, well, well. Arthur Weasley.

**Athur Weasley**:Lucius.

**Lucius Malfoy**: Busy time at the Ministry…all those raids…I hope they're paying you overtime?

* * *

**Ginny Weasley** really wishes this creeper would stop touching her belongings! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Lucius Malfoy** wrote on **Arthur Weasley**'s wall: Obviously not. Dear me, what's the use of being a disgrace of a wizard if they're not even paying you well for it?

**Arthur Weasley**: We have a very different idea of what disgraces the name of ward, Malfoy. And by that, I mean YOU.

**Lucius Malfoy**: Clearly. And with the company you keep, I thought your family could sink no lower. And by that, I mean you're basically the same level as shit.

* * *

**Arthur Weasley** CAN'T TAKE THIS FUCKERY – I'm going for the neck! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley**, **Ginny Weasley**, **Fred Weasley**, and **George Weasley** likes this.)

**Fred Weasley**: Get him, Dad!

** George Weasley**:FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

**Molly Weasley**: NO, ARTHUR! STOP THIS INSTANT!

**Rubeus Hagrid**: BREAK IT UP!

* * *

**Lucius Malfoy** sent **Ginny Weasley** a battered copy of A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration (and a little somethin'...)_._

**Lucius Malfoy **wrote on **Ginny Weasley**'s wall: Here, take your book, it's the best your father can give you.

**Ginny Weasley**: Go fuck yourself.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** wrote on **Arthur Weasley**'s wall: You should've ignored him.

**Arthur Weasley**: I was defending my family's honor!

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Yeah, but they're rotten people – not worth it.

**Molly Weasley**: YOU'RE DAMN STRAIGHT IT WASN'T! THAT WAS A HORRIBLE EXAMPLE TO SET FOR YOUR CHILDREN…BRAWLING IN PUBLIC. I don't even want to*think* about Gilderoy Lockhart's view on this…

**Fred Weasley**: He was extremely pleased. He was asking that bloke from the Prophet if he'd be able to work the fight into his report. It's just more publicity for the bastard.

**Molly Weasley**: Really? Well…all right. No harm done.

**Arthur Weasley**: I got a busted lip! I don't know what you're talking about by _no harm done_.

**Molly Weasley**: You deserve it!

**Arthur Weasley** T_T

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading - we love writing this and we like knowing that we're making some people laugh ^_^

Please review! And Happy Holidays! See you in 2011 for more madness!

D+K


	3. Part III

A/N: We hope everyone had wonderful holidays! We'll be back to a usual schedule, if all goes well =)

Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

Chapter Five

**Harry Potter **Back to the grind, y'all =(

(**Hermione Jean Granger **and **Percy Weasley **like this.)

**Ronald Weasley**:Dislike (you WOULD 'like' this, Hermione & Percy…)

**Fred Weasley**:Dis-

**George Weasley**:–like

**Seamus Finnigan**:Dislike

**Neville Longbottom**:Dislike

**Harry Potter**:Why hasn't Facebook created a 'dislike' button yet? Just sayin'.

* * *

**Harry Potter **Loooovin this sweet ride, thanks to **Arthur Weasley**! (sent from mobile)

(**Arthur Weasley** likes this.)

* * *

**Ginny Weasley **almost left her diary at home! No worries, got it ^_^ (sent from mobile)

(**Lucius Malfoy **likes this.)

**Ginny Weasley**:?

**Harry Potter**:That makes me anxious…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Why the FUCK can't we get onto platform?

**Ronald Weasley**:No clue, but if you don't mind I'm going to get your owl who is shrieking up a frenzy and rolling all over the place after crashing into solid brick!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Well, THANK YOU, RONALD. At least SOMEBODY gives a fuck about poor, innocent animals here.

**Harry Potter**:Oh stfu. You're fine. You just like to make a scene. And don't get me started on the list that will detail why you are neither poor nor innocent.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Harry? Eat my fucking SHIT. I did NOT sign up for this when the big, fat oaf stumbled into my perfectly cozy home and ignored my protests that I wanted nothing to do with the scrawny, scarred up bitch-ass punk he was babysitting.

**Harry Potter**:Wow, you were waiting to say that for a while, weren't you?

**Hedwig the Owl**:You make me want to rip my own wings off and eat them.

**Harry Potter**:*Excuse me?* Why would you ever do that?

**Hedwig the Owl**:Anything that doesn't include listening to your bitchy whining 24/7. Now find out why we can't get to the train because I am NOT spending another second stuck in this cage while you screech on about how _unfair _your sad little life is.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: You heard the she-male. What do we do?

**Ronald Weasley**:I dunno…

**Harry Potter**:Really? So you're putting zero thought into your response?

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, we're going to miss the train. I mean, there's really nothing we can do there's no reason that the gateway should be sealed off.

**Hedwig the Owl**:I bet it has something to do with that fucktard Dobby. Shit, that guy is fucked UP.

**Harry Potter**:stfu, Hedwig. He clearly has nothing to do with this.

**Hedwig the Owl**:CA-CAW! CA-CAW!

**Ronald Weasley**:What if my Mum and Dad can't even come back to the get us! Have you got any Muggle money?

**Hedwig the Owl**:CA-CAW! CA-CAW!

**Harry Potter**:Now you're just being silly. You think the Dursleys ever gave me shit?

**Hedwig the Owl**:CA-CAW! CA-CAW!

**Ronald Weasley**:Uuuuugh, we're so fucking screwed! And your damn owl won't shut up so we're getting really frightened looks.

**Harry Potter**:HEDWIG IF YOU "CA-CAW" ONE MORE FUCKING TIME YOU'LL BE LOOKING AT YOUR OWN BRAINS SMEARED ACROSS THIS BRICK WALL, GOT IT?

** Hedwig the Owl**:O rly?

**Harry Potter**:Yes, really.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Oh, you're serious? You'll murder me? In front of all these people?

**Harry Potter**:Yes, Hedwig. You're being a stupid shit while my world is crumbling around me! And I WILL take care of you. Now shut the FUCK up.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Ca….

**Harry Potter**:HEDWIG

**Hedwig the Owl**:Caw…

**Harry Potter**:HEDWIG DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!

**Hedwig the Owl**:CA-CAW! CA-CAW!

**Harry Potter**:-_-

**Hedwig the Owl**:Pussy.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Holy shit, wait! Before you kill your owl…THE CAR!

**Harry Potter**:What about it?

**Ronald Weasley**:Really? WE CAN FLY IT TO HOGWARTS!

** Harry Potter**:But what about your parents?

**Ronald Weasley**:Omg, they're adult wizards, they can find some way to get back home. WE have an emergency. A SERIOUS emergency.

**Harry Potter**:Can you fly it?

** Ronald Weasley**:Yes, of course.

**Harry Potter**:That wasn't really a silly question. You're not very good at a lot of things.

**Ronald Weasley**:True.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **And we're off! Roadtrip with the bestie xox (sent from mobile)

(**Harry Potter **and **Dudley Dursley **like this.)

**Harry Potter**:Fuck you, Dudley.

* * *

**Harry Potter **Well, the fun has begun to ware off, unfortunately. I'm thirsty, we're hot (despite taking our shirts off – yes, ladies, if you point your eye sockets towards the skies today you can see two shirtless bachelors soaring high ;)) (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley**:Yeah, let's pretend you're not having a gay sex-fest up in the sky.

**Harry Potter**:No response.

**Dudley Durlsey**:That's because it's true.

**Harry Potter**:-_-

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Engine's dead. Goodbye, good friend.

**Harry Potter**:Nooooooooooooo T_T

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Hedwig the Owl**'s wall: Goodbye. I know we've had our differences, but I want you to know that I truly, truly loved you.

**Hedwig the Owl**:We both know that's not true. For either of us. As always, I will not lie for fear of death. I hate you, Potter. I always have and I always will, even in death.

**Harry Potter**:You're a cold-hearted bitch, aren't you?

**Hedwig the Owl**:I will not apologize for who I am.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Ron, I need to tell you something…before sweet death…the things Dudley was saying…um…about us…they weren't…they weren't…

**Ronald Weasley**:…

**Harry Potter**:Weren't…exactly…wrong…

**Ronald Weasley**:Harry, I-I…I love

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl **Yes! We survived. Landed in some tree, but safe. Phew. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall:Um…

**Ronald Weasley**:We'll never speak of what was said again.

**Harry Potter**:Have you deleted the comment?

**Ronald Weasley**:Yes, of course.

**Harry Potter**:Hopefully before Dudley could see…

(**Dudley Dursley **likes this.)

** Harry Potter**:DUDLEY, did you see or are you just trying to mind-fuck me?

(**Dudley Dursley **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:Fuck.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **My wand is broken T_T (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter **BRANCHES ATTACKING US! (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Phew. That was a close one.

**Harry Potter**:Good thing we didn't make any…other…false...claims…in the heat of the moment…

(**Dudley Dursley **likes this.)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **The Flying Ford Anglia**'s wall: Well done, car!

**The Flying Ford Anglia**: I'm out, bitches.

**Hedwig the Owl**:CA-CAW! EVERYONE STOP THROWING ME AROUND LIKE I'M SHIT! THAT MEANS YOU TOO, FLYING CAR.

**The Flying Ford Anglia**:I certainly don't give a fuck what happens to you, you infuriating shit bag of feathers. I have gone through more than enough abuse over these past few weeks. I am DONE.

**Ronald Weasley**:COME BACK!

**The Flying Ford Anglia**:GOOOOOOODBYE! Oh, and fuck you, Ron.

**Ronald Weasley**:SHITFUCK!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: The feast probably started already!

**Hedwig the Owl**:That's the least of our problems, ginger bitch.

**Ronald Weasley**:Hedwig, I thought you liked me!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Keep up your stupid shit and I won't even have enough respect to piss on you.

**Ronald Weasley**:But…if you urinated on me that would basically mean you really didn't have any respect for me at all. Like…at all.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Lucky I don't shit on you, you scrawny little maggot.

**Ronald Weasley**:Harry, your owl is a fucking lunatic.

**Harry Potter**:You think I didn't realize that? Oh, Harry, she's so *hilarious_*_. Yeah, not so funny now, is she? And that's child's play! You don't know the sort of fucked up bullshit she whispers to me while I'm trying to get some much-needed rest in that hellhole. Once she said that she was going to rip my arms off, eat them, rip her own wings off, sew the said wings into my arm sockets with her teeth and throw me out a window like a baby bird gets thrown from the nest.

(**Hedwig the Owl **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley**:But…but…you wouldn't be able to fly let alone…still…*live*after having your arms ripped off…that's…that's so incredibly painful…and fucked up! Why did you even say that to me? Your bird is demonic! THAT'S FUCKING FUCKED UP! Omg and she just liked your comment. Holy fuck. I'm so scared, Harry. Hold me.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Shut the fuck up or you too will be soaring from a ten-foot story building with my wings crudely sewn to your bloody remains.

**Ronald Weasley**:Too far, Hedwig. Too far.

**Hedwig the Owl**:I'm not satisfied unless I've gone further than even savage murderous beasts would dare to go in their wildest nightmares.

**Dudley Dursley**:Wow, that really is fucked up. I can't believe this vermin lived under my roof. Harry, you're not allowed back in the house with that thing. Actually, you're not allowed back in the house regardless.

**Harry Potter**:Aaaaand we're done with this conversation. Seriously Ron, we are not speaking to Hedwig anymore. This is over.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Ca-caw?

**Harry Potter**:NOT THE TIME, HEDWIG.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Okay, anyway, look in the Great Hall, Ron! It's the Sorting!

**Ronald Weasley**:And Snape isn't there! Do you think he's ill? ^_^

**Harry Potter**:Hahaha maybe he left! Because he missed out on the Defense Against the Dark Arts job _again_, especially to a pansy like Lockprat lol.

**Ronald Weasley**:Lmfao. Or d'you think he got _sacked_? That would be totally awesome, I mean, everybody hates him anyway.

**Severus Snape**:SHUT THE FUCK UP

**Harry Potter**:Peeing my pants now, kbyez.

**Ronald Weasley**:Ditto.

**Severus Snape**:Perhaps he is neither ill nor sacked nor jealous of a useless sack of shit with pretty hair….very…very pretty hair…*ahem* I digress. *Perhaps*he is simply waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train! Now follow me to your deaths.

**Ronald Weasley**:T_T Please don't hurt us.

**Harry Potter**:Ron, we will NOT beg for mercy from this man. Don't even give him the benefit of the doubt. Heh, nice office, fucktard.

**Severus Snape**:Are you SHITTING me? I am a FUCKING Professor, you narcissistic little CRETAN!

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, yeah, save it Snape. I learned last year that I could be as polite as possible, a truly upstanding citizen and student, and yet you tear me down every single time because you're a GROWN MAN taking your unrequited love for my mother and subsequent jealousy towards my father out on me, A LITTLE BOY. I'm fucking twelve, Douche Master.

**Severus Snape**:HOW DARE YOU. I am the POTIONS Master. That means I'm a master of potions, not douchery.

**Ronald Weasley**:Harry, you're going to get us expelled!

**Harry Potter**:Now you're starting to sound like Granger.

**Severus Snape**:Ugh, the sound of that know-it-all's name has distracted me from my intense fury against you. Now I just want to get down to business and display the fear-inducing idea that I can read minds. Heh. Where's the fucking car?

**Harry Potter**:O_O

**Severus Snape**:Just joshing you. The Evening Prophet's headline read: Flying Ford Anglia Mystifies Muggles. Oh, and also I can read minds. That won't be useful knowledge for another few books, er, I'm mean years.

**Harry Potter**:And what are you going to do about it, *sir*?

**Severus Snape**:I do not appreciate when you take the name 'sir,' which is supposed to be called in esteem of the receiver, and say it with such disdain that it actually becomes a mockery.

**Harry Potter**:Dually noted…*sir*.

**Severus Snape**:In other news, it appears that there has been considerable damage to a very valuable Whomping Willow.

**Ronald Weasley**:THAT TREE DID MORE DAMAGE TO US!

**Harry Potter**:Ron, stfu. This is my time to shine. You're only ruining things!

**Ronald Weasley**:Righty-o.

**Severus Snape**:SILENCE! You are not in my House and unfortunately, I do not have the power to beat you senseless, I mean, er, expel you. I shall go and fetch the people who _do _have that happy power. You will wait here, bitches.

**Harry Potter**:Meh…

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Seriously, guys? I'm outrageously embarrassed right now.

**Harry Potter**:I know, Professor. We really make fools of ourselves when we act this way.

**Minerva McGonagall**:Fools of *yourselves*? No, quite honestly, I don't give a shit about what you did. I care that I just had to witness *Snape* gloating in front of the entire Great Hall about how *terrible* MY students are. Fuck that! Do you know how old I am? I fucking TAUGHT this greasy haired mess in school. I do not need to be lectured by somebody that I would suggest got sent to detention on a number of occasions.

**Harry Potter**:Haha, burn, Snape!

**Severus Snape**:Bollocks…

**Minerva McGonagall**:Now let's get this show on the road so I can get back to the Great Hall for about seven goblets of wine. Why the hell do you act this way?

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, Professor, the gateway was closed off so…there really wasn't any other choice…

**Minerva McGonagall**:No, you are truly shitting me right now, Mr. Weasley. There are about fifteen hundred possible steps in between getting stuck outside of the platform and stealingyour father's flying car.

**Ronald Weasley**:I guess I didn't think…

**Minerva McGonagall**:That is obvious.

**Harry Potter**:Burn ^_^

**Minerva McGonagall**:STFU!

**Harry Potter**:O_O

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Hey, man, at least you-know-who isn't here…

**Harry Potter**:Voldemort!

**Ronald Weasley**:What? DON'T SAY HIS NAME! And no, I mean Dumbledore. I didn't want to write his name for fear he would see it on the News Feed and

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Hello, there.

**Ronald Weasley**:Literally just shit my pants.

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**:Excuse me?

**Ronald Weasley**:It's an expression.

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**:There's no need to add the word 'literally' then, my boy. Just for future reference.

**Ronald Weasley**:Noted.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**'s wall: HIIIIIIII DUMBLEDORE :D

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**:Er hello…why are you…staring at me like that…

**Harry Potter**:IN WHAAAAT WAAAAY? (: (: (:

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**:Like you want to wear my skin as a suit…

**Harry Potter**:Oh. I didn't know I was giving off such a manic expression. Uh…I just really admire you.

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**:Oh. Well, please explain why you did this, boys.

**Harry Potter**:Oh Dumby-pops, I sowwee ): we were just playin around…

**Ronald Weasley**:We'll go pack up our stuff…it's over Harry. You broke out baby voice.

**Minerva McGonagall**:While baby voice makes me want to vomit, what are you talking about, Weasley?

**Ronald Weasley**:Obviously you're expelling us…

**Minerva McGonagall**:I will not have an insubordinate little fiend telling me what I will and will not do!

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**:What Professor McGonagall is trying to say is that we will not be expelling you boys today. But you must understand the seriousness of what you did. I will be writing to your families tonight.

**Harry Potter**:Oh…I don't know if you've heard, but I don't have parents so you can just write to Ron's and that'll be that ^_^

**Minerva McGonagall**:Nice try. Actually, not really. All of your attempts at preserving your innocence have been complete and utter shit. Anyway, we *will*be contacting the Dursleys.

**Harry Potter**:But they're just gonna yell at me and stuff me in the cupboard under the stairs for causing you to bother them!

**Severus Snape**:WHINE WHINE WHINE BABY BABY BOO HOO! Your ass should be shipped back to whatever parasite you've been living inside of!

**Harry Potter**:Excuse me?

**Severus Snape**:You read that right. You are not even important enough to BE a parasite in my example, but a barely classifiable piece of shit living in the stomach of a FUCKING PARASITE.

**Harry Potter**:I don't really see what I did to make YOU so angry.

**Severus Snape**:EXIST, POTTER. THAT'S IT. Continue EXISTING and you will find me enraged.

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**:Oh sod off, Severus. I'm going to get some custard tart, bitches. Dumbledore out.

**Severus Snape**:grumblegrumblegrumble…

**Minerva McGonagall**:Pay no attention to the lunatic grumbling to himself in the corner of the room. As for you two, you will get detentions. I believe I'm being quite fair with the punishments.

**Harry Potter**:Absolutely, Professor! And the points for Gryffindor…

**Minerva McGonagall**:Will remain as they are…

**Harry Potter**:Awesome.

**Minerva McGonagall**:Don't push your luck. You will eat in here and go straight up the dormitories afterwards.

**Minerva McGonagall **sent **Harry Potter **and **Ron Weasley **sandwiches and pumpkin juice.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Can you seriously believe our luck? Fred and George fly that damn car ALL THE TIME and yet they've never gotten caught.

**Fred Weasley**:Leave the pranks

** George Weasley**:To the masters,

**Fred Weasley**:Bitchez.

**Ronald Weasley**:grumblegrumblegrumble…

**Harry Potter**:You're starting to sound a lot like Snape.

**Ronald Weasley**:ACK.

**Harry Potter**:XD Anyway, we'll have to watch our step from now on.

**Ronald Weasley**:Fuck no. We ride together, we die together.

**Harry Potter**:Bad boys for life…I know. But this is getting a little ridiculous. We're just not GOOD at being bad! You know?

**Ronald Weasley**:I hear you, H.

**Dudley Dursley**:Sorry to interrupt you ladies, but have fun sleeping in the garden this summer, Harry ^_^

**Harry Potter**:Piss off, you wanker.

**Dudley Dursley**:No really, mum and dad decided that the cupboard was too 'cozy.' They thought you'd much rather enjoy the dirt.

**Harry Potter**: When was this decision made? They can't have already seen what I've done…they're barely ever on Facebook!

**Dudley Dursley**:What are you talking about?

**Harry Potter**:You don't know about the Whomping Willow and the Ford Anglia…

**Dudley Dursley**:You're speaking gibberish, fucktard. No I don't know what the hell you're doing up there in your pansy ass school.

**Harry Potter**:So why am I in trouble?

**Dudley Dursley**:You're not in trouble…for anything more than being alive. We all voted and you get to sleep in the dirt. Is it that hard to understand? Because I thought my parents put bars on your room for the majority of the summer…I started to believe you were actually beginning to understand the way it works around here.

**Harry Potter**:Meh. Let's go to bed, Ron.

**Ronald Weasley**:Kay (:

**Dudley Dursley**:You guys have literally taken the fun out of gay jokes for me. I'm done.

* * *

**The Fat Lady **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Password?

**Harry Potter**:Er…

**The Fat Lady**:Oh my GOODNESS. I am so sick of you ignorant little pricks. You can't even remember a SINGLE password. Shit.

**Harry Potter**:Wow, sensitive much? We didn't get to go to the feast, so nobody told us the password.

**The Fat Lady**:Well la-dee-da! I didn't get to go to the feast either! How do you think I feel about that? You're just a scrawny little bitch.

**Harry Potter**:And you are a PORTRAIT.

**The Fat Lady**:Well, I've never!

**Harry Potter**:Never what? Been told you're a portrait? Finding this hard to believe…I don't know, I guess because YOU'RE A FUCKING PORTRAIT. You're only job is to let us into our dormitories. That's IT.

**The Fat Lady**:Yes, when you have the password you TWAT. Get the fuck out. I don't need this shit. You think you're so famous? You're just skinny punk ass bitch.

**Harry Potter**:Wow, you wanna throw down? You wanna throw it down, fuckface? You wanna take this shit outside? Out wait, you can't, CAUSE YOU'RE STUCK IN A FRAME.

**Ronald Weasley**:Harry, she's crying.

**Harry Potter**:So?

**Ronald Weasley**:You're in a very bad mood. I don't like it.

**The Fat Lady**:I LIKE THE GINGER! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN? I HEARD YOU WERE EXPELLED!

**Harry Potter**:We have not.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:BUT DID YOU FLY HERE!

**Ronald Weasley**:Hermione, save the lecture. We want to go to sleep.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:*sigh* The password is 'wattlebird.'

**The Fat Lady**:THANK YOU! You'd think I actually ENJOY being insulted by snot-nosed kids all night! ENTER.

* * *

**Lee Jordan **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: BRILLIANT!

**Harry Potter**:Uhh why is everyone clapping for us?

**Lee Jordan**:The flying car stunt! Straight into the Whomping Willow! People'll be talking about that one for YEARS!

* * *

**Fifth Year Harry Had Never Spoken To **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Hey, good for you, man!

**Harry Potter**:Do I know you?

**Fifth Year Harry Had Never Spoken To**:Doesn't the name make that question sort of obvious?

**Harry Potter**:True…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Shit, there's Percy, we gotta get out of here…though I do love the praise.

**Harry Potter**:I'm on it.

* * *

**Harry Potter **LISTEN UP EVERYONE: I am going to sleep. Thank you for the support, you all are beautiful xox

(**Ronald Weasley **and **198 others** like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Hermione Granger**'s wall: Goodniiiiight, Hermione.

**Hermione Granger **sent **Harry Potter **and **Ronald Weasley **a scowl.

(**Percy Weasley **likes this.)

* * *

**Seamus Finnigan **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: That was UNBELIEVABLE!

**Dean Thomas **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: So cool!

**Neville Longbottom **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I love you.

**Harry Potter**:?

* * *

Chapter Six

**Hermione Jean Granger** became a fan of Voyages with Vampires.

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Morning.

**Harry Potter**: Jesus Christ, Hermione, we get it. You're jealous of the way we arrived in style. I understand.

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah, sorry Granger, next time we'll owl you.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Fuck you guys. Fuck you.

* * *

**Neville Longbottom** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Good morning!

**Harry Potter**: Hey! What's got you in a chipper mood?

**Neville Longbottom**: I'm really excited for mail – Gran's sending me a few things that I've forgotten.

**Harry Potter**: Oh, like what?

**Neville Longbottom**: …I'd rather not say.

**Harry Potter**: Did you forget underwear AGAIN? Fuck, your memory is worse than a person with amnesia. Srsly.

**Neville Longbottom**: =(

* * *

**Erroll the Owl** sent **Ronald Weasley** a Howler.

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on** Erroll the Owl**'s wall: Hey! You got a Facebook!

**Erroll the Owl**: I just got one so I can send you that. I'm deleting in immediately. Fuck you youngsters with your stupid technology…

**Ronald Weasley**: FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Oh, calm down. Erroll will live.

**Ronald Weasley**: I don't give a shit about him! It's THIS!

**Harry Potter**: A red letter? Seriously? It's not like it's going to explode or anything…

**Neville Longbottom**: My sympathies, Ron.

**Harry Potter**: What the hell is going on?

**Neville Longbottom**: You better open it – it will be so much worse if you don't. Believe me, past experience with Gran.

**Harry Potter**: CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WTF A HOWLER IS?

**Neville Longbottom**: It'll all be over soon, Ron…just open it…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** if I die…**Harry Potter** can have what little stuff I own.

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

* * *

**Howler** **from Molly Weasley** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR! YOU'RE GODDAMN LUCKY YOU WEREN'T EXPELLED. JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT! YOUR FATHER AND I HAD CORONARIES WHEN WE SAW IT WAS GONE! GOT A LETTER FROM DUMBLEDORE – YOUR FATHER PUT SERIOUS THOUGHT INTO ENDING HIS LIFE BECAUSE THE SHAME WAS TOO GREAT! YOU COULD'VE DIED! OR WORSE, BE SEEN! YOUR FATHER IS NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU DIRTY BASTARD! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE, WE'RE DRAGGING YOU BY THE GINGER HAIR STRAIGHT HOME!

(**Draco Malfoy**, **Fred Weasley**, **George Weasley** and **257 others **like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: …Well shit, mate.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Well, I don't know what you were expecting…

**Ronald Weasley**: Don't tell me I deserved it, you snot-nosed bitch. I'm not in the mood for your patronizing.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I think you've been punished sufficiently, so I forgive you.

**Ronald Weasley**: Are you joking? You had NO reason to be pissed off! You're such a psycho!

**Harry Potter**: Let it go, Ron. We need her, unfortunately.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Damn straight, you do!

* * *

**Harry Potter** aw, I feel a bit guilty that the Whomping Willow is all busted up… (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**: PLEASE tell me that was sarcasm: that tree nearly KILLED US! And not only that, my wand is BROKEN because of it! It deserves all the pain that it's getting.

**The Whomping Willow**: Fuck you, sir. I'm in a considerable amount of pain here.

**Ronald Weasley**: I actually couldn't give a shit about YOUR "pain," which I'm very skeptical of because you're not a sentient being.

**The Whomping Willow**: Hedwig was right, you are a fascist twit.

**Harry Potter**: NO. FUCKING. WAY.

**Hedwig the Owl: **Honestly, Pothead, I don't know why you even bother acting surprised. And you were actually THERE when we met. Jesus, you're even more idiotic than I thought possible.

**Harry Potter**: Um, I was too busy worrying about getting WHACKED IN THE FACE BY A BRANCH! It's not like it's my job to actively stalk your frightening sex life! And I'm not going to get into how WRONG this is…

**The Whomping Willow**: So intolerant…

**Harry Potter**: It's not even that! I can't wrap my mind around a TREE, which isn't an animal, mating with an OWL.

**Hedwig the Owl**: You're too juvenile, THAT'S WHY, you douche bag mother fucker. You've just moved up higher on my shit list. Watch out, bitch.

**Harry Potter**: I'm REALLY curious as to who's higher than me.

**Hedwig the Owl**: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, FUCKTARD.

**Ronald Weasley**: Hahaha, she said "fucktard."

**Hedwig the Owl: **Meep!

**Harry Potter: UGH!**

**

* * *

**

**Gilderoy Lockhart** wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Hello there! I was just showing Professor Sprout RIGHT way to doctor a Whomping Willow! Don't worry, I won't be replacing your Herbology professor – I don't want you to think I'm better than she is (even though I really am).

**Pomona Sprout** wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuff's wall: Greenhouse Three today – LET'S GO, PEOPLE! Move away from the empty-headed pretty boy!

* * *

**Harry Potter** Sweet – class may be interesting today – only the dangerous plants are in Greenhouse Three! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley** and **18 others** like this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: How dare you, class is always fascinating.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: HARRY POTTER! I've been wanting to have a little chat with you! Professor Sprout, you wouldn't mind if I took Harry away for about half of class?

**Pomona Sprout**: Yes, I would mind, you horrendous, pretentious asshole.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: That's the ticket! Come along, Harry!

** Harry Potter**: Sorry, Professor Sprout…I'd rather not…you know.

**Pomona Sprout: **It's quite all right. I would just let him have his say and don't bother correcting him – it's not worth the effort.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry.

**Harry Potter**: ? Yes?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: When I heard what happened…I just had to blame myself. Could've kicked myself, actually.

**Harry Potter**: Er…I have no idea what you're talking about, but I wouldn't mind kicking you.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Flying a car to Hogwarts! That certainly makes you stand out! Harry, Harry, Harry.

**Harry Potter**: Can you please stop repeating my name so many times?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: I gave you a taste for publicity, yes, the _bug_, if you will. You miraculously made the front page and you wanted a repeat…

**Harry Potter**: Oh, you've got the wrong idea. Really.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Harry, Harry, Harry.

**Harry Potter**: WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF…SIR!

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: I *understand*. I'm very sorry that I gave you that taste of the Forbidden Fruit – I should've known it would go to your head. But you can start flying cars to get attention! Calm down – you have plenty of time for fame when you get older.

**Harry Potter**: Well, too late for that, I'm already pretty fucking famous.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: I know what you're thinking!

**Harry Potter**: No, you clearly don't – you haven't been reading any of my comments, have you?

**Gilderoy Lockhart** "It's all right for him – he's an internationally famous wizard already!" But when I was twelve, I was just as much of a nobody as you are now. In fact, I'd say I was even more of a nobody! I mean, a few people have heard of you, haven't they?

**Harry Potter**: You've got to be fucking joking: I literally brought about the end of the most evil wizard of the century. I was more famous when I was _one_ than you are now! GET OVER YOURSELF.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Yes, all that business with He Who Must Not Be Named – it's not quite as good as winning Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile Award five times in a row, as I have, but it's a start, Harry, it's a *start*.

**Gilderoy Lockhart** sent **Harry Potter** a hearty wink.

* * *

**Harry Potter** Holy shit, **Gilderoy Lockhart **is an arrogant bastard. There's no way in HELL he's more famous than I am – how can he possibly think that? (sent from mobile)

**Severus Snape**: I can see this year is just going to be FILLED with arrogant comments from the two biggest douche bags in this world.

**Harry Potter**: Okay, there's no fucking way I'M worse than Lockhart. Please give me some credit.

**Severus Snape**: Fine, he may be a SLIVER worse than you are, but that means nothing. I'm getting you in class later.

**Harry Potter**: Wouldn't expect anything different.

* * *

**Pomona Sprout** wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuff's wall: Re-potting Mandrakes! What are their properties?

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuff's wall: Mandrake, aka Mandragora, is a powerful restorative – it's used to return people who have been transfigured or cursed, to their original state.

**Pomona Sprout** wrote on GRYFFINDOR HOUSE!'s wall: +10 points!

* * *

**Pomona Sprout** wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuff's wall: It's also very dangerous – who can tell me why?

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: WATCH THE FACE! You almost clipped my glasses due to your ridiculous desire to show off your disgusting intellect.

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuff's wall: The cry is fatal to anyone who hears it.

**Pomona Sprout** wrote on GRYFFINDOR HOUSE!'s wall: +10 points!

* * *

**Pomona Sprout** wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuff's wall: Blah blah, they're young, blah blah, earmuffs, blah knock you out, blah blah, put them on blah repotting.

* * *

**Justin Finch-Fletchley **is now friends with **Harry Potter**, **Hermione Jean Granger**, **Ronald Weasley**.

**Justin Finch-Fletchley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Hello! I'm Justin. And you, of course, are the famous Harry Potter!

**Harry Potter**: Dude, I've known you for over a year. We've had Herbology together last year…

* * *

**Justin Finch-Fletchley **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: You're Hermione Granger – always top in everything!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: ^_^

* * *

**Justin Finch-Fletchley** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: And Ron Weasley – wasn't that your flying car?

**Ronald Weasley**: -_- Story of my life, right here.

* * *

**Justin Finch-Fletchley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: So, Lockhart's pretty awesome, yeah? I'd have frozen with fear if I'd been cornered in a telephone box by a werewolf – fucking BRILLIANT. So glad I came here instead of going to Muggle school. My mom is beginning to see how useful it'll be to have a fully trained wizard in the family.

**Harry Potter**: There are so many things wrong with this comment. First, Lockhart is a class-A dick. And the fact that your mother is JUST beginning to realize the use of having magic is just astounding. Otherwise you seem like a pretty nice guy – I have no secret hatred against you!

* * *

**Harry Potter** Shit, Mandrakes are RIDIC – I hurt all over. (sent from mobile)

(**Hermione Jean Granger**, **Ronald Weasley** and **17 others** like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** Transfiguration = hardest subject EVER. Completely forgot everything… (sent from mobile)

**Minerva McGonagall**: STOP GIVING YOUR BEETLE EXERCISE AND CHANGE IT INTO A DAMN BUTTON!

**Harry Potter**: I'm trying!

**Ronald Weasley**: I'm having WORSE problems than you: my wand is a fucking mess! I've already killed my beetle -_-

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** is not pleased with **Ronald Weasley**.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** stupid fucking wand… (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Why don't you write home for another?

**Ronald Weasley**: Did you LISTEN to that Howler? My parents would send me another one if I were to ask for it,

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Look at all the pretty buttons I've made!

**Ronald Weasley**: I HATE YOU!

**Harry Potter: **CHANGING THE SUBJECT! What classes do we have this afternoon?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: DADA.

**Ronald Weasley**: Jesus Christ, WHY did you outline all of Lockhart's lessons in little hearts? Creeper!

* * *

**Harry Potter** in the courtyard talking with **Ronald Weasley** about Quidditch while **Hermione Jean Granger** has her nose buried in a book. Yup, it's good to be back! (sent from mobile)

(**Hermione Jean Granger** and **Ronald Weasley** like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** is aware that I'm being closely watched… (sent from mobile)

(**Colin Creevey** likes this.)

**Harry Potter**: Who are you?

* * *

**Colin Creevey **and **Harry Potter** are now friends.

**Colin Creevey** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: OMFGZZZZZZZ THX SO MUCH 4 XCEPTING MAI FRIEND REKWEST!11!11!

**Harry Potter**: Er…you're welcome. I mean not that I had much of a choice – you were practically breathing my neck when I checked my phone for notifications…

**Colin Creevey**: im colin creevey! im in gryffindor 2! CAN I HAZ PICTURE WITH U?

**Harry Potter**: What?

**Colin Creevey**: so i can prove 2 all my bloggers that ive met u! i no all about u – every1 told me about u no who trying 2 kill u and how u still have a scar and hes gone! and a boy in my dorm told me that if i develop the pic in the rite potion it will MOVE. Wowzers, this place is AWSUM. my dad is a milkman – he coudnt believe it when i got my letter! im taking a lot of pics 2 send 2 him. we coud both be in it and then u coud SIGN IT?

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Seriously, Potter? You're giving out SIGNED PHOTOS?

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** EVERYONE LINE UP – HARRY POTTER'S GIVING OUT SIGNED PHOTOS! LOL what a fucking prick! (sent from mobile)

(**Colin Creevey **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**: STFU, MALFOY, I'M NOT.

**Colin Creevey**: ur just jelous!

**Harry Potter**: Colin, please stay out of this – you're about as thick as Crabbe's neck – they can break you between their toes.

**Draco Malfoy**: JEALOUS? Of WHAT? Having a foul cool-shaped scar right in the middle of my face so everyone can stand and gawk at me? No thanks – it's not that special enough of a reason to be famous.

**Crabbe**: LOL.

**Goyle**: LOL.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: EAT SLUGS!

**Draco Malfoy**: Is that supposed to scare me? You better be careful – you don't want your mummy to drag you by the hair back home. IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE…

**Knot of Slytherin Fifth Years**:LOL.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I think Poorsley wants a signed photo – it'll be worth more than his entire house!

**Ronald Weasley**: UGH not that horrible pun AGAIN!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** IS GONNA CHOKE A BLONDE-HAIRED BITCH. (sent from mobile)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: NO – RED ALERT! PROF. 4 O'CLOCK!

**Ronald Weasley: **We have a warning system? And you KNOW that I can't read grown-up clocks yet! That means nothing to me!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: To your RIGHT.

**Ronald Weasley**: ?

**Hermione Jean Granger: **YOUR WAND HAND, YOU DOLT.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** What's all this, what's all this? Who's giving out signed photos? (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Why must you repeat everything at least twice?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Ah! Shouldn't have asked! We meet again, Harry!

**Harry Potter**: It's not like we're age-old buddies from school – we literally just saw each other two periods ago. And I'm not giving out signed photos…I'm not a self-centered asshole, unlike SOME celebrities *COUGH*YOU*COUGH*

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** wrote on **Colin Creevey**'s wall: Come on, Mr. Creevey! It's your lucky day – a DOUBLE portrait and we'll BOTH sign it for you!

(**Colin Creevey** likes this.)

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** MOVE ALONG NOW! The bell has rung! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wishes he knew a good vanishing spell – I CAN'T BE WITH THIS MORON FOR ANOTHER SECOND. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: A word from the wise, Harry. I covered up for you back there with young Creevey – if he was photographing me, too, your schoolfellows won't think you're setting yourself up so much…

**Harry Potter**: BUT I WASN'T -

**Gilderoy Lockhart **IMO, handing out signed photos at this stage of your career isn't…sensible. It looks a tad bigheaded, Harry, to be frank. There may well come a time when, like me, you'll need to keep a stack handy wherever you go but I don't think you're quite there yet.

**Harry Potter**: Holy fuck, you have to be joking. There's no way you're being serious right now. YOU'RE NOT MORE FAMOUS THAN I AM. I could've been handing out signed photos when I was fucking one year old! I wouldn't even have to SIGN it – I could've just DROOLED on it and it would've been worth more than all your signed photos. TAKE THAT, BUTTMUNCH.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Starting class right now! ~_^

* * *

**Harry Potter** can't believe this shit. Lockhart literally makes being famous so much worse than it actually is. (sent from mobile)

**Severus Snape**: Oh, poor baby. Fucking Harry-scareface-Potter is angsting over his misplaced fame and glory. What a shame, what a shame.

**Harry Potter**: NOT IN THE MOOD.

**Severus Snape**: I'm NEVER in the mood to dealing with you, but you don't see ME complaining, do you?

**Harry Potter**: Literally, every morning I get a notification of your LAMENTING about having me as your student. Don't even GO there.

**Severus Snape**: Fuck you, Potter.

**Harry Potter**: Ah, the old stand by insult.

**Severus Snape**: STFU I'm failing your first five assignments!

**Harry Potter**: Like you weren't going to do that anyway…

* * *

**Harry Potter** is stacking all his Lockhart books in front of my desk so I won't have to look at the real thing. (sent from mobile)

(**Fred Weasley**, **George Weasley**, and **Ronald Weasley** like this.)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Man, you could've literally fried an egg on your face – you better hope Creevey doesn't meet Ginny – they'll start a Harry Potter fan club.

**Harry Potter**:DON'T GIVE THEM ANY IDEAS!

* * *

**Colin Creevey** created the group HARRY POTTER FAN CLUB!.

**Ginny Weasley** joined the group HARRY POTTER FAN CLUB!.

**Ginny Weasley** and **Colin Creevey** are now friends.

**Colin Creevey **wrote on **Ginny Weasley**'s wall: we shud collabor8.

**Ginny Weasley**: Modef. Shirt-making after dinner?

**Colin Creevey**: YEA!

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: THANKS A LOT, DOUCHE.

**Dudley Dursley**: Aw, is the dork-loser-couple fighting?

**Harry Potter**: I don't have time to deal with you – I have class in five seconds. WE'RE NOT GAY.

**Dudley Dursley**: RIIIIIIIGHT. (I don't believe you).

**Harry Potter**: urghhhhhh.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** AAAAHHHHEEEEMMMMM!

**Neville Longbottom**: Hey, why did you have to take my book…

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** Me! Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League and five times winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile Award – but I don't take about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by SMILING at her!

(**Gilderoy Lockhart **and **10 others **like this.)

**Ronald Weasley**: Of course all the girls AND HE would like this…

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** I see you've bought a complete set of my books – well done.

**Harry Potter**: Believe me, it wasn't by choice – it was on the required text list. Don't flatter yourself.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: I thought we'd start today with a quiz – just to see how much you've taken in…

**Harry Potter**: You don't read any of my comments pertaining to you, do you?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: You have 30 minutes – GO!

* * *

**Harry Potter** this is the worst test I've ever had to take – I'd rather sit through a Potions exam than answer questions pertaining to **Gilderoy Lockhart**. (sent from mobile)

(**Severus Snape** likes this.)

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** TUT, TUT, none of you remembered that my favorite color is lilac!

**Ronald Weasley**: Believe me, that's not something you should be bragging about…

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: and I clearly stated in Wanderings with Werewolvesin chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples.

**Harry Potter**: Fuck, you sound like a Miss Universe contestant.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: I WISH! Why do men have to be disqualified?

**Ronald Weasley: **?

**Dean Thomas**: Trying to contain laughter and failing.

**Seamus Finnigan: **LITERALLY PISSING IN MY PANTS LOL.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: But Miss Hermione Granger knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions – good girl!

**Ronald Weasley**: Oh, just throw her a bone, why don't you.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Actually, she'll get ten points to Gryffindor for full marks!

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Excellent! 10 points to Gryffindor!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** OMFG **Gilderoy Lockhart** actually SPOKE to me in class! (sent from mobile)

(**Gilderoy Lockhart** likes this.)

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** BE WARNED! I must prepare you for the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! You may be facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm.

(**20 others** like this.)

**Neville Longbottom**: Eeek!

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: I must ask you not to scream – IT MIGHT PROVOKE THEM!

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Yes – CORNISH PIXIES!

**Seamus Finnigan**: HOLYFUCKINGSHIT HAHAHAHAHA I'M DYING.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Yes?

**Seamus Finnigan**: Oh, come on! They're not DANGEROUS. An owl can eat that in about two seconds.

**Hedwig the Owl**: I can eat it in a MILLISECOND.

**Harry Potter**: Since when did you give a shit about my lessons, Hedwig?

**Hedwig the Owl**: I actually really enjoy Lockhart – he makes your life miserable when I can't. I approve.

**Harry Potter**: Of course you would. Bitch.

**Hedwig the Owl**: ^_^

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Don't be so sure!

**Seamus Finnigan**: Please don't annoyingly wag your finger at me.

**Gilderoy Lockart**: Devilish tricksters they can be! Let's see what you make of them!

* * *

**Neville Longbottom** HELP I'M BEING FLOWN BY THE EARS BY CORNISH PIXIES! (sent from mobile)

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Come on, now! Round them up! They're only pixies!

**Harry Potter**: ARE YOU SEEING ALL THIS? THEY'RE DESTROYING EVERYTHING MORE EFFECTIVELY THAN A RAMPAGING RHINO.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: *Peskipiksi Pesternomi!*

**Harry Potter**: Okay, I may have known my status as a wizard for only a year and I may be at the bottom of my class, but I DO know that's certainly NOT a spell.

* * *

**Neville Longbottom** almost landed on **Gilderoy Lockart**! But at least I'm on the ground. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Why didn't you LAND on him…

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I'm just going to ask you three to nip the rest of them back into their cage – toodles!

**Harry Potter**: The rest of them? They're all still outside of their cages! You actually did NOTHING!

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Gotta run! X3

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT? FUCK A PIXIE JUST BIT ME IN THE EAR. LAKSDJFLSDKJFLSDFJK.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: He just wants to give us some hands-on experience! DUH.

**Harry Potter**: You're giving this guy WAY too much credit. He doesn't know SHIT.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Rubbish! You've read his books –

**Harry Potter**: No, I haven't.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Well you've HEARD of all those amazing things he's done.

**Ronald Weasley**: He SAYS he's done – big difference.

**Harry Potter**: Foreshadowing?

**Ronald Weasley**: Dunno – good we have it on Facebook for posterity. It will certainly make the Hogwarts staff look awful if we turn out to be right. And we figured it out after having one class with him.

**Harry Potter**: LOL, ikr?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: BOYS! HELP ME PUT THESE PIXIES BACK NOW OR I WON'T HELP YOU WITH YOUR HOMEWORK!

**Harry Potter**: Yes, ma'am!

**Ronald Weasley**: GOING.

* * *

A/N: Just curious, which book are you guys excited for us to do next? We're excited to get to PoA because it's our favorite.

Please review!

D+K


	4. Part IV

A/N: Enjoy!

Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

Chapter Seven

**Harry Potter **is spending all of his free time avoiding **Gilderoy Lockhart **and **Colin Creevey**. UGH! (sent from mobile)

(**Gilderoy Lockhart **and **Colin Creevey **like this.)

**Colin Creevey**:all right harry?1

**Harry Potter**:UGH. HELLO, COLIN.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Is there a 'love it' option for this status? lolol XD

**Harry Potter**:Not dignifying that with a response.

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl **is still angry with **Harry Potter **for the DISASTROUS CAR JOURNEY. Fuck that shit. Going out to din-din with **The Whomping Willow **to get my mind off that little fucker (sent from mobile)

(**The Whomping Willow**, **Mrs. Norris**, and **Argus Filch **like this.)

**Harry Potter**:You've just got to be fucking kidding me. You can't use the words 'din-din' and 'fuck that shit' in the same sentence.

**Hedwig the Owl:**Um, go fuck yourself. Mrs. Norris? Filch? What are you, my former lover and a scorned lover, doing 'liking' this status?

**Mrs. Norris:**It's nice to see you happy.

**Hedwig the Owl****:***hugs*

**Argus Filch**:I just liked the part about the disastrous car journey. Too bad you didn't get yourself killed, you outrageous transvestite whore.

**The Whomping Willow**:EXUSE ME? THERE IS NO ROOM ON THIS CHAT FOR SUCH DEPLORABLE IGNORANCE AND HATRED. SHAMESHAMESHAME.

**Argus Filch**:Um, you're a fucking tree. How are you even typing right now?

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, I actually agree with Filch for ONCE.

**Hedwig the Owl**:GTFO, Harry. Fuck you. I don't even have WORDS. Leave us the FUCK alone.

**Harry Potter**:Okay, you're being RIDICULOUS right now. I am getting like a thousand notifications from this little reunion and I'm sick of it!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Grow up, you shitbitch.

**Harry Potter**:Shitbitch? Seriously? You're running out of profane material, aren't you? You can't just combine two curses to make them sound like a new one. Okay, I'll admit SHITFUCK is fun, but that's it! That's ENOUGH.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Then SHITFUCK,I fucking hate your shitbitch face and I want nothing more than to LITERALLY eat you entirely, then regurgitate up your remains and eat it again.

**Harry Potter**:YOU'RE DISGUSTING. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF SAYING 'LITERALLY'? IT MEANS YOU *LITERALLY* WANT TO DO THAT. ARE YOU PREPARED TO ADMIT THAT?

**Hedwig the Owl**:Fuck yeah, what do you think, I don't understand the English language just because I'm an owl? Again with the damn ignorance. Fuck you a thousand times. When I say I want to consume, regurgitate, and consume someone again, I FUCKING MEAN IT.

**Harry Potter**:I'm kind of getting scared…

**Argus Filch**:Yeah this is CREEPY, and I used to have sex with a cat.

**Mrs. Norris**:USED TO? Excuse me?

**Argus Filch**:We all know you've been stepping out on me AGAIN, this time with that little shit Lockhart.

**Mrs. Norris**:*GASP* I DID NO SUCH THING!

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:What's this I hear about me and A FELINE having sex? Now, I'll have you know I could get anyone, I MEAN ANYONE, I want. I don't think I'd reduce myself to a creature that can't even use a toilet.

**Mrs. Norris**:You say that like I'm the only animal who can't use a toilet. You really are an idiot. Also, this doesn't sound anything like what you had to say to me last night, in Filch's bed.

** Argus Filch**:CAUGHT!111!

**Mrs. Norris**:Yeah, I'll admit it. Me and the pansy had relations. I'm not proud of it. I snuck out before he could wake up. All he did was talk about HIMSELF the whole time. Don't you want to know anything about ME?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:YOU ARE A TREASONOUS WHORE.

**Mrs. Norris**:Oooh, bravo. Where did you find that pretty word?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Don't you mock me. I am FAR ABOVE YOU. And I've had better.

**Argus Filch**:*GASP* CAUGHT AGAIN! SO YOU ADMIT IT?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:NO COMMENT!

* * *

**Harry Potter **hahahahaha who else heard that Lockhart had sex with a cat! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley **and **64 others **like this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**:That's just rude.

**Ronald Weasley**:Stfu, Granger. This is the best thing that happened to me since my parents said I could buy a new pair of socks.

**Fred Weasley**:WHAT? When did you get new socks? I've been using Bill's since I was born!

**Ronald Weasley**:I didn't say I actually got them, I said mum and dad TOLD me I could.

**Fred Weasley**:Oh. Bummer.

* * *

**Oliver Wood **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Top o' the morning to ya!

**Harry Potter**:What the…

**Oliver Wood**:QUIDDITCH PRACTICE YEAAAAAH!

**Harry Potter**:Ugh, why are you so…*peppy*?

**Oliver Wood**:Cause this is literally the only thing I have to live for, Potter. Now get your ass out on the field.

**Harry Potter**:Yes, sir…

* * *

**Harry Potter **fuck this shit… (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Went to practice Quidditch. See ya later xoxox

**Dudley Dursley**:So unnecessary. Especially when it comes to convincing me you're not gay.

* * *

**Colin Creevey **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: heeeey buuuuddy! gues wut? i got a pic of u&ur BFFLAAF profeser lockhart! :D

(**Gilderoy Lockhart **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:UGH. Lockhart is not my BFF. Ron is!

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

**Colin Creevey**:U2 look so0o0o0o cuuuuute! :3

**Harry Potter**:Colin, please. You're out of control. I have to get to Quidditch. Goodbye.

**Colin Creevey**:OOOOOOHHH KWIDDITCH? ive never seen a kwidditch game b4!1!1 actuly, ive nevr seen anyE games. ive pritty much spent my hole lyfe reeding everything I cud about ur rise to fame. U R MY LYFE

**Harry Potter**:Um…yeah. Enough of that. And seriously, Colin? I spelled Quidditch perfectly in the comment above yours. You cant even manage copy and paste?

**Colin Creevey**:will u sign my butt?

**Harry Potter**:WHAT?

**Colin Creevey**:im gunna get ur signature tat 2'ed on my butt wen im of age. or if i can find an underground tat 2 shop tatting up little kids butts with their heros signatures, that'll do. im sure theres 1 in hogsmeade…anyway it def seems like the sort of thing ill NEVER regret. after i saw this pic, i wuz all lyk, OMG, i need 2 get this pic tat 2'ed on my butt! lyk... the signatures on 1 side & the pic on the other? ya think they cud do that harry? do ya think it'll hurt? do ya think butt tat 2's hurt an awful lot? ya no... lyke more then regular tat 2's? do ya think my grankids wil b prowd? huh harry?1 do ya? do ya lyke my butt tat 2 idea?

**Harry Potter**:SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT'S TATTOO NOT TAT 2!

**Colin Creevey**:Yes? What's the problem?

**Harry Potter**:DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?

**Colin Creevey**: well 2B honest w/u, i tune myself out. lyke my parents do. i just…u no, ramble w/e comes in2 my head & then reelize wut i sed based on the reaction of the listener…was I saying something about a butt tat 2?

**Harry Potter**:Yes, Colin. A butt *tattoo*. It was disturbing.

**Colin Creevey**:o ok. good. so wut do ya think? 2 butt or not 2 butt. that is the ? lololololol.

**Harry Potter**:Alright, Colin. I'm going to get changed. Bye.

**Colin Creevey**:K! ill b sketching out the perfect butt tat 2 wile i wate.

**Harry Potter**:Fan-fucking-tastic.

* * *

**Oliver Wood **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: And what took you so long, Potter?

**Harry Potter**:Seriously? You were in my room like 30 seconds ago.

**Oliver Wood**:Let me just check…ah, I see. Your Facebook Wall seems to say that you've been getting on with Colin instead of getting ready to play!

**Harry Potter**:Are we reading the same transcript? I dealt with him while I was walking to the field. He's INSANE.

(**Colin Creevey **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:UGH!

* * *

**Oliver Wood **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: ANYWAY, moving on from the four-eyed distraction (but gosh darnit he's just so super awesome at Quidditch)…I've got a diagram here displaying all of our secret plays and shit…I did you all the service of sending it directly to your Wall's, to ensure that everybody looked at it immediately.

******Alicia Spinnet** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: You're joking right?

****

**Oliver Wood **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Excuse me?

**Fred Weasley** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Why wouldn't you just post it to our exclusive, SECRET GROUP on Facbeook? You know, the one we're writing on right now?

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: What are you two going on about?

**Katie Bell** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Everyone can see the "secret" diagram on our walls! Everyone!

**Angelina Johnson **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Including the Slytherins…

******Oliver Wood **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Oh…fuck.

**

* * *

**

**Oliver Wood **ATTENTION EVERYONE AT HOGWARTS – I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED GRYFFINDOR QUIDDITCH TEAM'S LITTLE JOKE HAHA ALL OF THOSE DIAGRAMS ARE *FAKE*! WE WILL NOT BE USING THEM! SO…OTHER QUIDDITCH TEAMS…DON'T TRY USING OUR PLAYS AGAINST US…CAUSE…WE'RE NOT USING THEM! HAHA OKAY BYE! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**:facepalm.

**Alicia Spinnet**:Spectacular.

* * *

**George Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I think that's your boyfriend taking pictures of you over there, Harry. lololol

**Fred Weasle****y**:LMAO IT IS

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Colin Creevey**'s wall: COLIN, STOP IT!

**Colin Creevey**:stop wut? taking pix of that sweet face ya got there?

**Harry Potter**:My face is not sweet. It is scarred up and ruined. I am a MAN.

**Colin Creevey**:i think itz purfect :P

**Harry Potter**:CREEPY.

**Oliver Wood**:STOP IT RIGHT NOW, SLITHERIN SPY. I MEAN IT!

**Marcus Flint**: 'Sup, bitchez?

**Oliver Wood**:OH!

**Colin Creevey**:oh, this is such fun! an old-fashoned smack down taking place on my wall!

**Oliver Wood**:Not for long.

* * *

**Oliver Wood **wrote on **Marcus Flint**'s wall: WTF are you doing here, Flint?

**Marcus Flint**:Sorry, douche lord. But we gotz the field to train our new Seeker, yo.

**Oliver Wood**:Oh my goodness, you did not just use the words 'gotz' and 'yo' following your accusation that *I* am the 'douche lord' in this conversation.

**Marcus Flint**:Read it & weep, sucka.

**Oliver Wood**:Who's your new Seeker?

**Draco Malfoy**:'Sup, bitchez

**Oliver Wood**:Come ON!

* * *

**Fred Weasley **wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: Aren't you Lucius Malfoy's son?

**Draco Malfoy**:In the flesh.

**George Weasley**:The *burning*flesh. Your dad is basically Satan.

**Draco Malfoy**:Satan's spawn, at your service.

** Marcus Flint**:Funnily enough, Satan proved quite generous.

* * *

**Marcus Flint **sent **Oliver Wood **a picture of him holding seven Nimbus 2001's while sticking his tongue out and displaying the middle finger.

**Oliver Wood **wrote on **Marcus Flint**'s wall: Very mature, Flint.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: What's going on, Harry? Are you in trouble?

**Harry Potter**:Oh great, just what I need.

**Ronald Weasley**:What's wrong?

**Harry Potter**:Malfoy's being a great big meanie!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Oh, so you tell Ron but not me!

**Ronald Weasley**:Obvs. BFF

**Harry Potter**:FOR LIFE.

**Ronald Weasley**:What's Malfuck doing here?

**Draco Malfoy**:That's worse than 'Poorsley.' And I'm the new Slytherin Seeker, Poorsley. In case you can't READ.

**Ronald Weasley**:Fuck you. I can…sort of.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Well, at least no one on the Gryffindor team had to *buy*their way in! They got in on pure talent!

**Draco Malfoy**:Um, did I ASK for you opinion, Mudblood?

**Harry Potter **I'm guessing by the uproar ensuing here that that's a bad word?

**Draco Malfoy**:Yes, obviously, dumbass.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **sent **Draco Malfoy **an attempted curse.

**Ronald Weasley**:AAAAAHHHHHHHH! (sent from mobile)

**Hermione Jean Granger**:RON! ARE YOU OKAY?

**Harry Potter**:Get out of the way, bitch! ROOOOOONNNNNN!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:RON, WHAT'S GOING ON!

**Ronald Weasley**:I'm belching up slugs, woman! I thought that much was obvious and didn't need an explanation!

**Colin Creevey**:FANTASTICK!

**Harry Potter**:GTFO, Colin! We're off to Hagrid's!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Oh no, Lockhart's over there.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: I'll send you a copy of my book, big guy! You'll learn a lot from it…of course, I can only give you about 5% off the actual price. Got to make a living, you know? Hahaha. No seriously, though. Only 5%

**Rubeus Hagrid**: -_-

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Uh, Hagrid…we have a slight problem here.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:As long as you aren't Lockhart, I don't give a shit what it is just come in!

**Harry Potter**:Well, it's Ron belching up slugs…

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Maybe I spoke too soon. Ah, oh well. I've seen worse.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **sent **Ronald Weasley **a slug-catching bucket.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Meeeehhhhhhblerg

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Better out than in!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I think he just has to wait for it to be over…

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Yep.

**Ronald Weasley**:? Blllleeeeehhhhhhhreeeeegggg

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: So, why was Lockhart here, Hagrid?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Givin me advice about gettin kelpies out of a well…seriously, as if I wouldn't know? I'm the groundskeeper for god's sake. Like I'd give him any sort of money for that bullshit book of his…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Uuumm…obviously Professor Dumbledore thought he was the right man for the job so…umm…yeah, obviously he's a teacher and you're not for a reason…umm…yeah. Obviously. Sorry.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Open your eyes, Granger. HE was the ONLY man for the job. Anyway, onto more important topics…who was Ron _trying _to curse?

**Harry Potter**:Uh, well, Malfoy said something bad about Hermione I think…I dunno. I've only been a wizard for a year.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You can only use that excuse for so long, Harry. I didn't know I was a witch my whole life! And I grew up with Muggles, as well.

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, but you're a robot. And do you even know what the word means, Hermione?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Um…yes, of course. You don't? Strange.

**Harry Potter**:Hermione.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:OKAY! Alright, I don't know what it means! It could've meant 'sweet little angel' and I just got all upset because everyone else did!

**Ronald Weasley**:It is_ - _BLEEEERRGGGGHHH - bad! It's a foul name for BBBBLLLAARRGAAAAAHHH people that are Muggle-born!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Ron, stop typing in the sounds of you belching/vomiting. It's so gross.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Hey, by the way, I heard you've been givin out signed pictures! Why didn't I get one?

**Harry Potter**:Meh! I HAVE NOT!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I'm just kiddin, Harry. Anywho, come look at my huge pumpkins!

**Ronald Weasley**:O_o

**Rubeus Hagrid**:No, seriously, they're for the Halloween feast. Should be big enough by then.

**Harry Potter**:Uuuh, what have you been DOING to them, Hagrid?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: You know…good old sunshine…nature's magic…

* * *

**Harry Potter **likes that **Rubeus Hagrid **does illegal magic. It's fun because I know Ron and I will be kicked out of school before we're legally allowed to do magic outside of Hogwarts, and it's good to know there's a way around the system.

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

**Rubeus Hagrid**:SHH!

**Severus Snape**:Fabulous.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Get outta here, ya cretin!

**Severus Snape**:Now that's not how you talk to your blackmailer, you great oaf.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:grumblemumblegrumble…

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: While I don't promote the breaking of rules, you did a really nice job with the Engorgement Charm, Hagrid. Well done.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Thanks, Hermione. That's what's Ron's sister said last night.

**Ronald Weasley**:EXCUSE ME?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Have those slugs gotten into your brain, boy? Jesus…enough with the sexual innuendo. I meant that she came around here, but I think she was looking for someone else…you know, someone who could give her a SIGNED AUTOGRAPH.

**Harry Potter**:SHUT THE FUCK UP

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Tee hee…

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley**:Belchbelchvomvom all over your pumpkins

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I SAID SHE CAME OVER LOOKIN FOR HARRY THERE'S NO NEED TO TAKE YOUR GUTTER MIND OUT ON MY PUMPKINS.

**Ronald Weasley**:vomvomteeheebelchvom

**Rubeus Hagrid**:ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR

**Harry Potter**:Okay we're out of here before you rip us to pieces. I see this as a severe possibility. See ya, Hag.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:toodaloo!

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Alright, bitches. Detention tonight. Ronald Weasley, that means you as well.

**Ronald Weasley**:Meep…

**Harry Potter**:No!

**Minerva McGonagall**:Do NOT back-sass me, Potter! Weasley, you'll be polishing the silver in the trophy room with Mr. Filch. And no magic!

**Ronald Weasley**: I don't even know how to do magic.

**Minerva McGonagall**:Right. I forgot the two of you are bumbling idiots. This should be a great night. Potter, you'll be helping Professor Lockhart answer his fan mail.

**Harry Potter**:No fucking way. He's an egomaniac! I'm not answering his damn fan mail. I want to go to the trophy room with Won-Won!

**Ronald Weasley**:Ooohh…no. I just got the chills when you said "Won-Won." Eek. I wonder why…it sounds like such a great nickname.

**Harry Potter**:Weird!

**Minerva McGonagall**:Seriously, Harry, I don't know why you think it's appropriate to curse at me. If you weren't the Boy Who Lived, I'd bust a cap in your arse.

**Severus Snape**:SPECIAL TREATMENT! SPECIAL TREATMENT!

**Minerva McGonagall**:Oh, hello, Professor Snape. Would you like a cap busted into *your*hind-quarters?

**Severus Snape**:Is this a trick question?

**Minerva McGonagall**:SCRAM!

**Severus Snape**:Meep!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Why is everyone stealing my catch phrase? Daayyyuumm!

* * *

**Harry Potter **is fucking PISSED. Why is the man always trying to keep me down! (sent from mobile)

**Hermione Jean Granger **sent **Harry Potter **and **Ronald Weasley **a well-you-did-break-school-rules sort of expression.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Fuck oooofffff. I'm gonna be with Filch all NIGHT! Who knows what that creep does in his office.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I'm sure he's just going to watch you clean the trophys. He might not even stay in the office, he'll just lock you in there!

**Ronald Weasle****y**:He had sex with a fucking CAT. You don't see a mental instability here? Would YOU have a problem being locked in the office of a man who slept with a CAT?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:…yeah I guess you're right.

**Harry Potter**:At least you don't have to answer Lockhart's fanmail! He's a nightmare!

**Ronald Weasley**:He. Had. Sexual. Relations. With. A. Fucking. Cat. END OF STORY.

* * *

**Harry Potter **Fuck Lockhart. Going off to answer fan mail. Shit. (sent from mobile)

(**Gilderoy Lockhart **likes this.)

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Well hello, you scalawag! Come in, come in! I remember when I was a young whippersnapper like you, just completely bitching out teachers and strutting down the hallway like I owned the fucking place. Yeah, yeah, we are just a couple of darned crazy badasses, aren't we?

**Harry Potte****r: **I am nothing like you! I do NOT strut!

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:hahaha, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry. You slay me. Harry.

**Harry Potter**:*cringe* YOU are the douche master around here, sir.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:You can address the envelopes!

**Harry Potter**:Didn't you hear what I said?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Yes? You said, "Woah, what is a crazy cat like you doing stuck in your office on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be out entertaining the ladies?" I felt this was a slightly inappropriate question, so I thought I'd just move onto your detention duties, but since you are just biting at the bit to get an answer, I'll say that yes, I am set to entertain quite a few ladies this evening. However, those will be going on WAY past your bed time you little Casanova in training, you! So just get off to work!

**Harry Potter**:Holy. Shit.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Now you just get to work you mini Lockhart!

**Harry Potter**:Fuck you.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:^_^

* * *

**Harry Potter **Who wants to shove this pencil through my eye? (sent from mobile)

**Severus Snape**:ME!

**Dudley Dursley**:You can back off. I've been waiting for this far too long.

**Vernon Dursley**:I'll bring my own pencil!

**Harry Potter**:I guess I walked right into that one…

**Draco Malfoy**:I'm too rich to handle some filthy peasant pencil. I already have a rather expensive quill to stab through your insufferable eye socket. You should be HAPPY that I would even deem your eye worthy enough to get its filth onto MY writing utensil. But it will be quite profitable, as I will then sell the aforementioned quill on EBay.

**Harry Potter**:You are a sick individual.

**Draco Malfoy**:When can I schedule you in to be stabbed? Don't make promises you can't keep!

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Harry, my boy, stop fiddling with that cell phone of yours!

**Harry Potter**:grumblegrumble…

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Aw, telling your little friends about the great time you're having listening to my life story? You're great. Anyway, I was on the best-seller list for SIX SOLID MONTHS!

**Harry Potter**:O_O WHAT?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:I know, right? Very impressive.

**Harry Potter**:Not YOU! I just heard…some weird…voice…what the hell WAS that?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:All I've heard is _my_ velvety smooth voice filled with perfection…I'm not sure what you're talking about, Harry.

**Harry Potter**:No. It was definitely _not _your 'velvety smooth voice.' Though I'd venture to question if _you're _even delusional enough to believe that…

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:GREAT SCOTT! Is that the time? This thing must be broken…

**Harry Potter**:Seriously?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Not much more than twenty minutes could've passed!

**Harry Potter**:*face palm* I'm leaving.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Well, I guess I have to kick you on out of here, my boy. Have a good night! No more talk about that 'spooky' voice you've got in your head! Oh, you are just a little bit crazy, aren't you? Ha ha ha ha.

**Harry Potter**:Yeah. Exactly. Goodbye.

* * *

**Harry Potter **heard a strange voice! Waiting up for the one person who will actually BELIEVE him, his BFF Ron. (sent from mobile)

**Hedwig the Owl**:AM I TOO LATE? I HAVE SIX PENCILS!  
(**Draco Malfoy **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:Yes, Hedwig. You'll have to puncture my eyeballs some other time.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Boo!

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl **and **Draco Malfoy **are now friends.

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Hedwig the Owl**'s wall: Srsly? I'm surprised you're not already friends with *Voldemort*considering how deeply your hatred for me runs.

**Hedwig the Owl**: Don't even *insult*me like that. Only I have the honor of torturing you mercilessly. I respect Draco as someone who will never truly succeed as much as I can. But that Voldemort…he came quite close to murdering you. I…I fear his power. I feel like he may see your death before I.

**Harry Potter**:I have no words for you.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: GAH! My muscles have seized…

**Harry Potter**:You cannot even complain once I tell you what happened to me…I just heard some creepy voice in Lockhart's office saying that it wanted to 'kill me!'

**Ronald Weasley**:Well…not to diminish your problems, but I've been reading the mini feed. There are _a lot _of suspects. Anyone could've been threatening to kill you. I can count like, ten off the top of my head right now and that's not even _including _Voldemort.

**Harry Potter**:Thanks, mate.

**Ronald Weasley**:No, seriously, man. If the darkest wizard of all time doesn't even make the short list of people that want to kill you, you might have a problem.

**Harry Potter**:I guess that's true…maybe it was Hedwig joking around.

**Hedwig the Owl **I don't joke. When the time comes for me to stand over your lifeless corpse and devour your brains, it will come. I will not resort to stupid parlor tricks like whispering through the walls.

**Harry Potter**:Hm. Point taken.

* * *

Chapter Eight

**Poppy Pomfrey** ACK! All these damn kids keep getting sick! I've had to make 500 cauldrons of Pepperup Potion. I'm done with this shit – SUCK IT UP, BRATS.

* * *

**Percey Weasley** poked **Ginny Weasley**.

Show 10 more similar posts.

**Ginny Weasley** wrote on **Percy Weasley**'s wall: WTF DO YOU WANT?

**Percy Weasley**: You look peaky – get a Pepperup Potion.

** Ginny Weasley**: Are you for real right now?

**Percy Weasley**: I have to give daily updates about you guys and I can't lie to her. If she knows that you're not in perfect health, she's going to go crazy on our asses.

**Ginny Weasley**:grumblegrumblegrumble…

* * *

**Ginny Weasley** HATES Pepperup Potion – it looks like my entire head is on fire!

(**Fred Weasley** and **George Weasley** like this.)

**Ginny Weasley**: SCREW YOU GUYS.

** George Weasley**: It's –

**Fred Weasley**: – our duty –

**George Weasley**: – to drive all –

**Fred Weasley**: – our siblings –

**George Weasley**: – bonkers!

**Fred Weasley**: XD

**George Weasley**: :P

**Ginny Weasley**: LASKDJFLSDKFJSD. Skdfjdfs.

* * *

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry** HAS RAINDROPS THE SIZE OF BULLETS HITTING MY WINDOWS, WTF. MAKE IT STOOOOOOPPPPP! *sobs*

**Rubeus Hagrid**: NO! It's making my pumpkins grow to epic proportions!

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**:ExCUSE me, Hagrid, but you're supposed to have my back, always and forever.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: I'm sorry Hoggy, you know I love you dearly, but this is important!

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**: Fine, I see how it is.

* * *

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry **is now single.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: YOU CAN'T JUST BREAK UP A MARRIAGE WITHOUT MY INPUT!

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**: I can, and I just did, bitch. Deal.

**Rubeus Hagrid**::(

* * *

**Oliver Wood** Come on, guys! It's just drizzling! We can still practice! (sent from mobile)

**Fred Weasley**: Fuck –

**George Weasley**: you. A lot.

* * *

**Harry Potter** does not like being soaked to the skin and splattered with mud after practice. Thanks, **Oliver Wood**, thanks a lot.

(**Oliver Wood **likes this.)

* * *

**Fred Weasley **and **George Weasley** added "espionage" to their interests.

**Fred Weasley** posted a video on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: **Shit, those new Nimbus Two Thousand and Ones are good. We're kind of fucked.**

**

* * *

**

**Harry Potter** is now squelching down the deserted corridor. Now that's a disgusting image. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** mehmehmeh don't fulfill their requirements…half an inch, if that… grumblegrumblegrumble…(sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Hello, Nick! Fancy bumping into you in this deserted corridor!

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: Hello *sigh*

**Harry Potter**:Well don't jump for joy at seeing me or anything…

**

* * *

Harry Potter** thinks **Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** is wearing a dashing plumed hat – I want one! (sent from mobile)

(**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** likes this.)

**Harry Potter **added "dashing plumed hat" to their interests.

* * *

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You look troubled, young Potter.

**Harry Potter**: So do you.

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: No need to sound snarky. But it's a matter of no importance…it's not as though I REALLY, REALLY wanted to join. Just thought I'd apply for shits and giggles, but APPARENTLY I don't "fulfill the FUCKING requirements." I'm not BITTER or anything…

**Harry Potter**: Riiiiiiigghhhttt…

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**:I MEAN YOU WOULD THINK, WOULDN'T YOU – THAT GETTING CHOPPED 45 TIMES IN THE NECK WITH A BLUNT AXE WOULD QUALIFY YOU TO JOIN THE HEADLESS HUNT. BUT NOOOOOOO

**Harry Potter**: Meep! Oh, um, yeah…of course…

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: Nobody wants a brutal death like THAT – quick and clean –

**Harry Potter**:THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! Ahem, continue…

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: …my head would've come off properly. And I would've been saved the embarrassment and humiliation and pain!

* * *

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** sent **Harry Potter** a furious reading of the rejection letter.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**'s wall: Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore? Srsly? What a pansy…not that yours is any better, really. Actually, it's a lot worse. You really don't have a lot going for you in this afterlife, do you?

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**:Shove it in my face, would you? It's only a half a fucking INCH of skin and sinew holding my neck to my ghostly corpse!

**Harry Potter**: Ew.

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: Some would think that's quite enough, but not for Sir Properly Decapitated-Podmore!

**Harry Potter**: Hah, nice.

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: Thanks, I'm quite poetic when I'm in a rage. So, what's got your undies in a twist? Can I do anything?

**Harry Potter**: Well, no, unless you can provide seven free Nimbus Two Thousand and Ones for our match against Slyth – SHIT! THAT FUCKING CAT!

(**Mrs. Norris** likes this.)

* * *

**Mrs. Norris **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: That's right, bitch, I'm back to stalkin' after you/succeeding in getting you into trouble. My Argy won't appreciate all this SHIT you've brought into the corridor!

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: Harry – you better beat it – Filch is not happy with having the flu and the Third Years "accidentally" plastered frog brains all over the ceiling in dungeon five. This mud's gonna drive him up the wall!

(**352 others** like this.)

**Harry Potter**: Wait, you're back with Filch again? I thought it was casual!

**Mrs. Norris**: Yeah, well, when Quirrell's Turban was revealed to be that crazy asshole kid who pretended to be such a goody-goody (WE KNEW THE ENTIRE TIME!), I was feeling rather lonely and he comforted me. We've bonded over the summer. We're taking it slow.

**Harry Potter**: This is utterly absurd.

**Hedwig the Owl**: As much as I LOATHE agreeing with the scarface fucker here, I have to concur. Srsly, WTF, Betty. You're going to put up with is false promises AGAIN? Why would you take that sorry excuse for a human being back?

**Mrs. Norris**: Jealous much?

**Hedwig the Owl**: YOU FUCKING WISH, FURBALL! The Whomping Willow and I are FINE.

**Mrs. Norris**: Fine? Bitch, please. Bet you wish your gf was a freak like me…

**Harry Potter**:STOP THIS CONVERSATION IMMEDIATELY. I'M 12.

**Argus Filch**: Aaaaanndd here's my grand entrance!

**Mrs. Norris**: Ah, here's my lovely X3 You're fucked, Potter!

**Harry Potter**: Shit…

* * *

**Argus Filch** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: FILTH! FUCKING SHIT EVERYWHERE! FUCK YOU TO HELL, YOU DIRTY SHITBAG FUCKER – FOLLOW ME.

**Harry Potter**: Uuuuggghhhhhhh.

**Harry Potter** sent **Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** a gloomy goodbye wave.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is in **Argus Filch**'s office for the first time. **Fred Weasley** + **George Weasley** – you guys have an entire drawer to yourself! (sent from mobile)

(**Fred Weasley** and **George Weasley** likes this.)

**Fred Weasley**: Damn straight we do!

** George Weasley**: ~_^

* * *

**Harry Potter** REALLY doesn't like **Argus Filch** muttering under his breath – it's as creepy as hell! (sent from mobile)

**Argus Filch**: Name: Harry Potter. Crime…

**Harry Potter**: You've got to be shitting me: it's only a bit a mud! Grow a pair!

**Argus Filch**: TO YOU IT'S A BIT OF MUD. FOR ME IT'S AN EXTRA HOUR OF FUCKING CLEANING. STFU. Now. As I was saying…crime: befouling the castle…

**Harry Potter**: "Befouling"? Does that even EXIST?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Yes, it does, and it surprises me that such a barbarian of an individual knows a vocabulary word beyond the range of first graders. The definition is the action of making dirty or filthy. To soil. Defile. Sully.

**Harry Potter**: Yeah, I figured from the social context, it would be something along those lines. I'm not as clueless as Ron; please give a bit more credit.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Hmph. Fine. Just thought I'd be helpful…

**Argus Filch**: SUGGESTED SENTENCE…

* * *

**Peeves the Poltergeist **thinks it's time to wreak some havoc! Suck my balls, **Argus Filch**! Teeeehheeeeeeee!

(**Fred Weasley** and **George Weasley** like this.)

**Argus Filch**: DAMN YOU! I'M GONNA GET YOU!

**Harry Potter**: Hey, thanks for distracting him!

* * *

**Harry Potter** thinks he should wait for Filch to come back…le sigh…but first I'm going to read his mail. Can't help it – it's glossy and purple and silver! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** Attention Facebookers – mind explaining WTF Kwikspell is? (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: SHIT! The man's coming!

* * *

**Argus Filch** wrote on **Mrs. Norris**'s wall: That plot device, I mean vanishing cabinet was very valuable! We'll have Peeves out this time, my sweet…

(**Mrs. Norris** likes this.)

**Mrs. Norris**: You should know, dear, that your envelope is two feet away from where it was – that shitface Potter def moved it.

* * *

**Harry Potter** FUCK! Gotta play it cool now. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Argus Filch** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: D-D-D-DID YOU R-READ?

**Harry Potter**: Agh, please, no Quirrell references. And no! Of course not…definitely not…no sir-ee…

**Argus Filch**: Good. Because if you'd read my private…I mean it's for a FRIEND…

**Harry Potter**: That's a biggest load of cock and bull – YOU with FRIENDS?

**Mrs. Norris**: Gonna have to agree with Potter – you really don't get out much to have friends. Still love you, though!

* * *

**Harry Potter** is extremely alarmed – **Argus Filch** looks like a downright, fucking nutter! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Argus Filch** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: SCRAM – GET OUT. Don't breathe a word about this…not that you maybe didn't read…I have to write up Peeves' report. GIT.

* * *

**Harry Potter** what a stroke of luck – I managed to escape Filch's office without being punished! Harry Potter: 1, Life: -5. (sent from mobile)

(**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** likes this.)

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: So it worked, I'm assuming? I persuaded Peeves to drop this plot device, I mean, large cabinet, in front of Filch's office.

**Harry Potter**: That was you? Thanksies! xoxo

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**'s wall: Sorry, mate, wish there was something I could do for you about the Headless Hunt thingamagig.

* * *

**Harry Potter** SHIT! I hate it when I walk through ghosts! It's like I'm taking an icy shower! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Weeeellll there IS something you could do…no…it's asking too much…you wouldn't…

**Harry Potter**: Dude, just tell me. You can't just start something like that and chicken out. Spill, girl.

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: Okay! This Halloween will be my 500th deathday!

**Harry Potter**: Oh…okay?

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: It'll be fabulous! I'll send you the deets in an inbox. You're welcome to bring along Weasley and Granger, of course. But…I suppose you'd rather enjoy the school feast…?

**Harry Potter**: No – I'll come…

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: Goody! Harry Potter at my Deathday Party! Do you think you could mention to Sir Patty how very frightening and impressive you find me?

**Harry Potter**: Yeah, no probs.

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: XD

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: A Deathday Party? I bet there aren't many living people who can say they've been to one of those! It'll be fascinating!

**Harry Potter**: Hermione, it's a PARTY. We're totally, like, going to get shwasted and shit. Stop trying to make everything so fucking educational.

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah, but why would anyone want to celebrate the day they died? Sounds dead depressing to me…

**Harry Potter**: Hewwo gwumpy-face.

**Ronald Weasley**: Mehhhh I'm trying to do this fucking Potions homework…

* * *

**Fred Weasley** Question: what would happen if you feed a Filibuster Firework to a Salamander? If you want to know – come to the Gryffindor Common Room pronto!

(**Fred Weasley**, **George** **Weasley** and **75 others **like this.)

**Fred Weasley**: For those who couldn't see the epicness – it whizzed into the air, emitting loud sparks and bangs as it whirled around the room! Shhwweeeeet.

**Percy Weasley**: WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO! YOU'RE ENDANGERING A COMPLETELY INNOCENT ANIMAL THAT YOU STOLE FROM A CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES CLASS!

**George Weasley**: Fuck you! This is the shit!

**Percy Weasley**: MMWWARRRGGHALKJFHSDLFKJFS.

* * *

**Harry Potter** not gonna lie – kinda regretting about saying yes to the Deathday Party – I fucking love the feast. Why would I give that up to be with a bunch of dead guys?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: A promise is a promise! You SAID you'd go.

**Harry Potter**: I already know that, bitch! Fuck.

* * *

**Harry Potter**, **Ronald Weasley**, and **Hermione Jean Granger** are attending Nearly Headless Nick's 500th Deathday Party.

**Harry Potter** god, this passageway to **Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**'s party is fucking creepy as hell! And I'm cold :( (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**: Are you hearing this screeching that I think is supposed to be music?

**Harry Potter**: T_T

* * *

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: My dear friends…welcome…so pleased that you could come.

**Harry Potter**: Yeah, we can really tell by the way you sound so depressed and shit. But I'm really jealous of your plumed hat and the way you sweep it off!

* * *

**Harry Potter** Okay, this is actually pretty awesome – so many ghosts! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley** and **Hermione Jean Granger** like this.)

**Harry Potter**: Let's walk around – my feet are ice cubes!

**Ronald Weasley**: Make sure you don't walk through anyone!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Wow, Ronald, that was very sensitive of you! Bravo!

**Ronald Weasley**: Bitch, please. I just said that because it's so fucking COLD when you walk through them. Worst. Feeling. Ever. If it felt like, let's say, a warm summer day, then I'd walk through as many ghosts as possible.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: You're insufferable.

**Ronald Weasley**: ^_^

* * *

**Bitches want my blood** yeeaahhh that's right, motherfuckers, keep your DISTANCE. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Fuck no – turn back! I don't want to talk to Moaning Murtle!

**Harry Potter**: WTF?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: She haunts the girls' bathroom on the first floor.

** Harry Potter**: Are you joking? She haunts a TOILET? That's just sad…

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Yeah – it's been out of order all year because she keeps making a ruckus. I never go in there if I could. It's really annoying trying to pee and her wailing at you…

**Ronald Weasley**: LOOK! FOOD!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: ADD much?

**Ronald Weasley**: Let's not talk about one of my probably many mental problems and get some chow!

(**Harry Potter** and **Hermione Jean Granger **like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** I think I'm gonna be sick! (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**: I can't believe this shit – I'm fucking starving and all they have is rotten food? Why do they even HAVE rotten food at this event! Ghosts can't eat!

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Random Portly Ghost**'s wall: Hey! I saw you trying to eat that rotten salmon – can you taste it if you walk through it?

**Random Portly Ghost**: Almost…

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: They probably let it rot to give it a stronger flavor.

**Ronald Weasley**: STFU I'm with Harry – I'm gonna puke in about five seconds!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Peeves the Poltergeist**'s wall: Hello, Peeves.

**Peeves the Poltergeist** sent **Harry Potter**, **Ronald Weasley**, and **Hermione Jean Granger** a bowl of peanuts covered in fungus.

** Peeves the Poltergeist**: Nibbles?

** Hermione Jean Granger**: No thanks.

** Ronald** **Weasley**: BRBVOMVOM.

* * *

**Peeves the Poltergeist** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: I heard how rudely you were talking about poor Myrtle!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Please don't tell her! I didn't mean it!

* * *

**Peeves the Poltergeist** wrote on **Moaning Myrtle**'s wall: OY, MURTLE!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Hello, Myrtle…

**Moaning Myrtle**: What the fuck do you want.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:How are you, Myrtle? It's nice to see you out of your toilet =)

**Peeves the Poltergeist**: Buck-toothed Squirrel here was just talking about you.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: About…how nice you look! Yep! Just that! Are those new glasses?

* * *

**Moaning Myrtle** sent **Hermione Jean Granger** a suspicious eye.

**Moaning Myrtle** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: You're making fun of me.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Now! I swear! Wasn't I just talking about how nice she looks? RONALD? HARRY? BACK ME UP HERE.

**Harry Potter**: Oh yeah…

** Ronald Weasley**: She did alright. Yep, yep.

** Hermione Jean Granger**: REALLY convincing, guys.

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah, well, it's hard to be a good actor when you think a certain PSYCHO BITCH broke at least five your ribs with her ELBOW.

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

**Moaning Myrtle**:DON'T LIE TO ME! DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE CALL ME BEHIND MY BACK? FAT MYRTLE! UGLY MYRTLE! MISERABLE, MOANING, MOPING MYRTLE!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Nice alliteration…

** Peeves the Poltergeist**: You forgot "spotty"!

** Moaning Myrtle**: WWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH FUCK YOU ALLLL!

**Peeves the Poltergeist**: SPOTTY! SPOTTY!

** Hermione Jean Granger**: Oh, dear.

**Peeves the Poltergeist** sent **Moaning Myrtle **pelted moldy peanuts.

* * *

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Enjoying yourselves?

**Harry Potter**: Yes! Most definitely!

** Ronald Weasley**: Best party ever!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: You'll have to invite us next year!

**Ronald Weasley**: TOO FAR, TOO FAR!

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: Not a bad turnout! The Wailing Widow came all the way from Kent! GTG, guys, gonna make my speech!

(**The Wailing Widow **likes this.)

* * *

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** CAN I HAVE MY MOMENT OF GLORY? DOES THE HEADLESS HUNT HAVE TO CRASH MY PARTY? (sent from mobile)

**Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore**:NICKY! How ya doin'? Head still hanging in there? LOL.

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: Welcome, Patrick.

**Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore**: Hey! Living people are here! OOP! There goes my head LOL.

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: Very amusing.

**Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore**: Don't mind Nicky here! He's still pissy we won't let him join the Hunt! But I mean, seriously, look at him –

**Harry Potter**: …I think Nick's very frightening. And…other scary things. Yeah.

**Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore**: HAH! Bet he asked you to say that! :P

* * *

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** Can I have everyone's attention PLEASE? It's time for my SPEECH! My late lamented lords, ladies and gentlemen, it' is my great sorrow… (sent from mobile)

**Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore**: Sorry to disrupt your speech, Nicky, but we're gonna play Head Hockey! Hope you don't mind!

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**: Ugh, fuck this shit. I give up.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is very cold. And very hungry. (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

**Harry Potter**: 'kay. Let's bounce.

** Ronald Weasley**: Yay! Hopefully there will still be pudding left!

* * *

**Harry Potter** O_O (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**: Er…mate? Why did you just stumble to a halt and clutch the wall? You look demented right now.

**Harry Potter**: STFU it's that voice again! LISTEN!

**Harry Potter**: FOLLOW ME!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Honestly, Harry, what is this?

**Harry Potter**: SHHH! IT'S GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!

**Ronald Weasley**: Harry, WTF was that about? We couldn't hear anything!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: OMFG LOOK!

* * *

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry** THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE.

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**: All right, who hacked onto my FB? Not cool! Scary shit! Hold me, Hagrid!

* * *

**Mrs. Norris** is idle.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Fuck this popsicle stand – let's get out of here!

**Harry Potter**: Shouldn't we try and help…?

**Ronald Weasley**: Trust me, we don't want to be found here. It's clearly very suspicious.

* * *

**Harry Potter** shit. Of course everyone finds us here and there's this awkward silence… (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** Enemies of the heir, beware! You'll be next, Mudbloods! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: The fact that you seem to have knowledge on this is very suspicious indeed…and thus begins my annual obsession with your shady doings!

* * *

A/N: Please leave a review! It does take time and effort to write/post these ^_^

D+K


	5. Part V

A/N: And the parody continues!

Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

Chapter Nine

**Argus Filch **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: WTF IS GOING ON HERE, BOY?

**Harry Potter**: I didn't do anything!

**Argus Filch**:O_O No. No. No no no no no no no no no

**Harry Potter**: Filch…this isn't what it looks like…I didn't…I just found her here!

**Argus Filch**:YOU MURDERED MY GIRLFRIEND! YOU FUCKING MURDERED HER! SHE WAS MY LOVE – MY LIFE! *SOBS*

**Harry Potter**:Alright, listen. Let's just work this out like adults. I did NOT kill Mrs. Norris, Filch. I just walked up and she was dead!

**Argus Filch**:YOU INSIGNIFICANT PIECE OF SHIT YOU WILL ROT IN HELL FOR THIS ATROCITY! WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Wait…what?

**Harry Potter**:Oh, shit. Hedwig no…

**Argus Filch**:THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BLOODY BUSINESS YOU FUCKING BIRD. GTFO! SHE DIDN'T LOVE YOU! SHE CAME BACK TO ME IN THE END!

**Hedwig the Owl**:She's…dead?

**Harry Potter**:Hedwig…your feathers are ruffling and that's frightening me…you did hear my conversation with Filch, right? I said this wasn't my doing…

**Hedwig the Owl**:Hm. I don't believe you, Potter.

** Harry Potter**:You're scaring me, Hedwig. Just attack me already. Get it over with! Please!

**Hedwig the Owl**:You'd like that, wouldn't you?

**Harry Potter**:HEDWIG! I DIDN'T DO IT!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Huh? Me no speako English, sorry…oh, I mean, 'meep'

**Harry Potter**:HEDWIG STOP IT! I KNOW YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!

** Hedwig the Owl**:Meep?

**Harry Potter**:When are you going to attack me, Hedwig? Just…just give me a date – so I can be prepared.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Hahaha. Meep.

**Harry Potter**:O_O

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Alright, everyone – that's Argus, Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, and Miss Granger – with me, now. Not you, murderous looking owl fluttering over Harry's head…definitely stay away.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Have fun, Harry…watch your back, won't you?

**Harry Potter**:YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH

**Hedwig the Owl**:Oh…ahem…meep ^_^

**Harry Potter**:Fuck my life.

(**Dudley Dursley**, **Severus Snape**, and** Draco Malfoy **like this.)

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **is simply giddy with excitement to be hosting a good old-fashioned smack-down in his very own office! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**:Srsly? I thought at least you were on my side…to my dismay, but still.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Harry, I'm going to teach you a lesson here: status is everything! Status is King! So if I have to step on a few toes to get the Headmaster on *my*side, well, I'm going to keep on stepping!

**Harry Potter**:You're insufferable.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**'s wall: Anyway, sorry about that, your majesty. Just a bit of wall-to-wall with the Founder of Lockhart's Fan Club! Haha! Now, I believe it was definitely a curse that killed the cat…probably the Transmorgrifian Torture – I've seen it used many times, so unlucky I wasn't there! Unfortunately, I usually know how to solve EVERYTHING that I'm NOT present for! Such a silly coincidence, don't you think?

**Harry Potter**:Okay, first of all: fuck you, I'm not in any sort of fan club. In fact, I don't care about you so deeply that I wouldn't even start an "I hate Lockhart Fan Club" because I'm so wildly INDIFFERENT towards your antics. Second of all, it IS a coincidence, isn't it? Maybe it's because your whole life is a lie?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:HARRY! STOP THAT!

**Harry Potter**:I'm sorry, Hermione. I know you don't want us to get into further trouble but I can't help it!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:It has nothing to do with you _yelling_, it has to do with the fact that you wouldn't join my Lockhard Fan Club! So rude! And your comments are SO out of line.

(**Gilderoy Lockhart **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:Creepy.

**Ronald Weasley**:Everyone just shut the hell up. Especially you, Hermione.

(**Harry Potter**, **Severus Snape**, **Minerva McGonagall **and **535 others **like this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You're just jealous, Ronald!

**Ronald Weasley**:Of WHO?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Uh…idk…Lockhart…I guess? Because…you secretly love me and want all of my attention…

**Harry Potter**:Okay, Ron's fallen off his chair in a fit of laughter so this conversation is over. It's scaring me that Dumbledore is just letting us comment on his wall-to-wall with Lockhart. He must be waiting to blow up at us!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:I'm attempting to bring a cat back to life, guys. Nbd. Keep on causing my phone to seize with notifications.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Hmm…I recall something similar happening while I was vacationing in Ouagadogouoogaboogawoogaville!

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on **Argus Filch**'s wall: So, great news! Your cat isn't dead!

**Argus Filch**:Girlfriend.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Uh…okay, but did you read what I said?

**Argus Filch**:Oh, sorry. I was distracted by your insensitive name-calling. But SAY WHAAAAT?

**Hedwig the Owl**:She's…she's alive?

** Argus Filch**:GTFO! This is, again, none of your fucking business!

**Hedwig the Owl**:I'll be by her bed side every night, fuckin' dipshit. And Potter? Consider this a gift from God. You get to live another night _this time._

**Harry Potter**:Oh, I'm sorry. Were you planning on killing me tonight then?

**Hedwig the Owl**:Watch it or I'll continue with my plans, dumb shit-fuck.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Yes, well, moving on…she's been Petrified. But how, I cannot say…

**Argus Filch**:ASK THAT SHITBITCH FOUR EYES!

**Harry Potter**:ME?

**Argus Filch**:I don't see anyone else around here with goofy-ass glasses like you!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Obviously, you know my stand on glasses: they're super hot and they make everyone who wears them look like a fucking rockstar. Ahem. Now, onto more prevalent matters: No second year could have done this. It would take Dark Magic of the most advanced

**Argus Filch**:HE FUCKING DID IT!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Okay, I'll have to request that you not grab my phone again, Argus. Kthxbye. Now, moving onto more

**Argus Filch**:HE KNOWS IM A SQUIB!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:AGAIN, *please*refrain from stealing my cellular device, ARGUS!

**Harry Potter**:I don't even know what the fuck a Squib*is*! Have I not conveyed to you people clearly enough that I am not only twelve and only found out I was magic a year ago, but am also quite STUPID?

**Severus Snape**:Might I speak, Headmaster?

**Harry Potter**:GAH! Where the hell did you come from? The shadows? I mean, I knew you were in this room but you can't just talk out of no where after lurking in the shadows. Fucking creep.

**Severus Snape**:You are making it most difficult to defend you, you disgusting excuse for a human being with your ratty-ass jet black hair…always running your hands through it…trying to impress girls who want NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! WHY I COULD JUST STRANGLE

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Severus, while I made it clear to Argus before that it is very wrong to steal the phones' of others, I hope you understand why I had to do that. Please refrain from bringing your past into the present.

**Severus Snape**:Er…yes, Headmaster.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Continue?

**Severus Snape**:Yes, right. As I was saying, Potter might have been in the wrong place at the wrong time, though its very suspicious that he was even in the upstairs corridor at all! Why wasn't he at the Halloween feast?

**Harry Potter**:Well, the death day party…

**Ronald Weasley**:Rotten food…meeeeh hunger attacking me…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:It was quite educational!

**Severus Snape**:Alright, enough! Especially you Granger.

(**Harry Potter**, **Ronald Weasley**, **Minerva McGonagall**, **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**, and **534 others **like this.)

**Harry Potter**:As much as you don't want to believe us, that's where we were.

**Severus Snape**:Yes, but why even go up to that corridor after the Death Day Party? Why not go to the feast, hmmmm?

**Harry Potter**:Er…because…because…

**Severus Snape**:Because, because, because! BULLSHIT!

**Harry Potter**:ALRIGHT! Enough of your needless bullying. We were tired and wanted to go to bed! Okay? Jesus fucking Christ, call out the search party for our missing alibi! I didn't know I needed to have an excuse for every fucking move I made.

**Severus Snape**:Heh heh. So you wanted to go to bed without supper?

**Ronald Weasley**:We weren't hungry!

**Severus Snape**:O rly? May I recall a previous comment? And I quote, "Rotten food…meeeeh hunger attacking me…"

**Ronald Weasley**:-_-

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Obviously YOU would ruin everything with your gosh darn hunger!

**Ronald Weasley**:I'm not even paying attention to what you said because you felt it was necessary to say "gosh darn." Seriously, what are we twelve?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Yes…

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh right. But seriously, I'm STARVING.

**Severus Snape**:Really?

**Ronald Weasley**:Shit, I keep forgetting…

**Harry Potter**:Can you pretend not to be hungry for like, .5 seconds?

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, it's your fault I was surrounded by rotten food the entire night!

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**'s wall: Headmaster, I believe that Potter should be taken off the Gryffindor Quidditch team until he is ready to be honest.

**Minerva McGonagall**:I CALL BULLSHIT! SRSLY, FUCK THAT SHIT.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Minerva, find your center. Breathing exercises!

**Minerva McGonagall**:Ahem, yes. I apologize.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Now, Severus. There's absolutely no reason Harry should be kept from Quidditch. Innocent until proven guilt, eh?

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **sent **Harry Potter **a twinkling light-blue gaze.

* * *

**Severus Snape **thinks this entire school is fucking corrupt… (sent from mobile)

(**Draco Malfoy**and **69 others **like this.)

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on **Argus Filch**'s wall: Professor Sprout will be able to revive Mrs. Norris as soon as her Mandrakes have reached their full size.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Ooh, ooh! I'll do it! I could whip up a Mandrake Restorative Draught in my sleep! Or when I'm entertaining a lady-friend, for that matter. I'm a bit of a multi-tasker.

**Severus Snape**:Yuck. Oh, and also, I'm the fucking Potions master at this school, bitch.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Er…moving past the awkward silence…Harry, Ron, Hermione, you may go.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Do you think I should have told them about that voice I heard?

**Ronald Weasley**:No. Fucking. Way. You wanna be thrown in the loony bin?

**Harry Potter**:But we *are*wizards…

**Ronald Weasley**:Doesn't matter! Hearing voices is STILL batshit crazy, even in this world.

**Harry Potter**:But you believe me, don't you? You don't think I'm… 'batshit crazy'?

**Ronald Weasley**:…of couuuuurse…it is fucking weird though…right?

**Harry Potter**:I *know*_, _Ron. My whole fucking *life*is weird.

**Ronald Weasley**:True that.

**Harry Potter**:What do you think the chamber of secrets is?

**Ronald Weasley**:Hm…sounds vaguely familiar…Bill might've told me a story about it once…

**Harry Potter**:And what the hell is a Squib?

**Ronald Weasley**:You're just full of questions, aren't you? God…um, well, a Squib is someone who was born into a wizarding family but hasn't got any magic powers. Parents thought I might be one but I was just lazy as fuck. Seriously, magical things would happen to me and I'd be like, whatevs.

**Harry Potter**:Makes sense.

* * *

**Harry Potter **where the hell has everybody been for the past few days? No notifications or anything! It's like we're all apart of someone's book and she's decided to make a few meaningless days have pass by as there's nothing significant to write about…

(**J.K. Rowling **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:Oh, you again. I'm getting severely creeped out now.

**Ronald Weasley**:She's the one that makes those stupid wrap-up sentences about friendship and shit.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I think they're very nicely written!

(**J.K. Rowling **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley**:You would. I'm rolling my eyes right now in case you couldn't tell.

* * *

**Ginny Weasley **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Ron, is Mrs. Norris going to be okay?

**Ronald Weasley**:Don't worry, Gin. Stuff like this doesn't happen at Hogwarts! They'll catch the maniac that did it and everything will be great.

**Harry Potter**:Ron, are you kidding me? We went through a maze of various tasks (_death-defying tasks_ I might add) just last year! And I battled the darkest wizard of all time in this very school. Now I have to question your comment that 'stuff like this doesn't happen at Hogwarts.' Because I feel like that was only a precursor to the epic shit-storm of nonsense that's gonna go down here.

**Ronald Weasley**:And now Ginny's sobbing. Thank you, Harry. Truly. I was just trying to calm down my little sister.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:OOC alert!

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh shut up. Anyway, I do hope that whoever's going around Petrifying cats saves some magic for Filch. What I wouldn't give to see that fucker lying stiff as a board…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Aaaand we're back.

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I do hope that you'll enjoy scraping tubeworms off the desks after class!

**Harry Potter**:Excuse me? Actually, I *do* mind. That's miserable.

**Severus Snape**:How would you like to know that I found a certain owl hovering near the Gryffindor common room entrance early this morning, just waiting for a certain dumb-ass scarface to exit so she could claw his eyes out?

**Harry Potter**:WHAT? She said she wouldn't do anything because Mrs. Norris is still alive and I didn't Petrify her!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Yeah and I would've gotten away with it too – if it wasn't for that meddling slime-ball professor!

**Severus Snape**:Looks like _I _saved you from near-death. I don't know why I would do such a thing…oh, right! So you could be my slave for the day! Bwahaha.

**Harry Potter**:Fucking Hedwig…

(**Hedwig the Owl **likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter **Fuckin' tubeworms…disgusting… (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Justin Finch-Fletchley**'s wall: Oh, hello there good sir! How are you doing this fine day?

**Justin Finch-Fletchley **sent **Harry Potter **the stink eye.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Well, I've never been so insulted in my life. Justin Finch-Fuckface just gave me the stink eye!

**Ronald Weasley**:Are you sure it's not because you call him Justin Finch-Fuckface?

**Harry Potter**:No I just started that, you know, since he gave me the stink eye.

**Ronald Weasley**:Ah. Great name by the way. Wicked. I'm gonna start using it. I think he's a moron…all that talk about how _great _Lockhart is? Bullshit.

**Harry Potter**:But I really have a problem when not everybody loves me…

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, you better get used to it. I mean Lord knows I love you to death, Harry. Obviously, I would die for you. But not everybody thinks your as super special awesome as I KNOW you are.

**Harry Potter**:BFF?

**Ronald Weasley**:BBFL.

**Harry Potter**:Hm?

**Ronald Weasley**:Bad boys for life?

**Harry Potter**:Oh, right. Yes XD

**Hermione Jean Granger**:What are you two going on about?

**Ronald Weasley**:Nothing that concerns YOU.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I'll have you know that you two will be clamoring to see what *I'm*going on about!

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, please! Please, Hermione, *please*tell us what riveting book you're reading now!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Hmph! I'm *attempting* to read Hogwarts, A History, but every copy is gone! (Nice use of the word 'riveting' by the way)

**Ronald Weasley**:I used it right?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Yes! ^_^

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh…haha…good…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Good job.

**Ronald Weasley**:Thank you!

**Harry Potter**:Ron?

**Ronald Weasley**:Sorry! Idk what just got into me. Gtfo, Hermione.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Don't you want to know *why* I'm looking for Hogwarts, A History?

**Ronald Weasley**:Because you've given up on human lifeforms and are now trying to get all the nice little book friends that you can?

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I like you better when you're not trying to impress Harry!

**Harry Potter**:Get used to it, Hermione. It's going to be this way for at least another five years.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:*Sigh* Moving on, I want to read up on the Chamber of Secrets.

**Harry Potter**:What's that?

**Ronald Weasley**:Really? I mean, I know we didn't exactly figure out what it was but why do you sound so completely confused? It's like you're not even aware of the name "chamber of secrets."

**Harry Potter**:I'm not…

**Ronald Weasley**:The Chamber of Secrets has been open? Enemies of the heir beware? Doesn't ring any bells? Seriously, Harry, even I remember and I'm clinically brain-dead.

**Harry Potter**:OH! Well that was a few days ago…

**Ronald Weasley**:True…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You boys are RIDICULOUS. Anyway, I have no further information about the chamber because I can't find that book!

**Ronald Weasley**:Hermione, let me see your composition, will you? I'm not going to copy it or anything…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:NO! You've had ten daysto complete it – I'm not allowing you to mooch off my assignments!

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, you know you want to.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I know no such thing!

**Ronald Weasley**:Bicker bicker bicker!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Wah wah bicker bicker wah!

**Harry Potter**:Holy shit, enough! Seriously, am I to endure this forever?

**Ronald Weasley**:You said it yourself, mate. Another five years or so.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Ugh! Let's just get to class with Binns. You know, the ghost who left his body behind him one day and continued his routine?

**Harry Potter**:Yes, we already had this explanation last year…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Oh right, well everyone needs a refresher sometimes…  
(**J.K. Rowling **likes this.)

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Cuthbert Binns**'s wall: Professor? I was wondering if you could tell us anything about the Chamber of Secrets?

**Dean Thomas**:Say what?

**Lavender Brown**:HUH?

** Neville Longbottom**:UH WHAAAAT?

**Cuthburt Binns**:Excuse me, but I deal with *facts*NOT myths and legends!

**Ronald Weasley**:Wow, I didn't expect you to be such a hard-ass.

**Cuthburt Binns**:Mr…

**Ronald Weasley**:Weasley…

**Cuthburt Binns**:Not important anyway, I won't remember. Now, I've been going about the same routine for years and years into my death. And I intend to do just that, forever!

** Ronald Weasley**:That sounds fucking miserable.

(**Harry Potter**, **Dean Thomas**, and **Lavender Brown** like this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**:But sir, don't legends always have a basis in fact?

**Cuthburt Binns**:Good gracious, aren't you like five or something? Where did you find such a sense of entitlement, Hermort?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:We're twelve, professor. Also, my name is 'Hermione' for future reference.

**Cuthburt Binns**:What_ever_. If you insist, I'll divulge information that goes against my very basis for continuing my existence after death…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Thanks!

**Cuthburt Binns**:You are quite annoying, Herbivore. Has anyone ever told you that?

**Ronald Weasley**:I try to everyday!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I'm sorry, but again, my name is 'Hermione.' Can you please get on with the story, as well?

**Cuthburt Binns**:Basically, the founders of Hogwarts were all working in perfect harmony until Slytherin became a bit of a…oh, for lack of a better word, a douche. He wanted to be more selective about the students admitted to Hogwarts. So Slytherin eventually left the school, and apparently before he left, he built a hidden chamber. He sealed it so that nobody would be able to open it until his own true heir arrived at school. This heir would unleash the horror within the chamber and use it to purge the school of all who were unworthy to study magic. Can I be quite frank, kids? This is all bullshit. Just…fucking bullshit. What, Herlaberla? I can see your hand piercing through the air.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:About time you noticed it, sir. Also, again, my name is 'Hermione.' You can see it clearly displayed on our wall-to-wall. Your guesses are becoming increasingly questionable. Now, what exactly do you mean by the 'horror within' the Chamber?

**Cuthburt Binns**:Ugh. A monster of some sort, which only the Heir of Slytherin can control.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:That makes me nervous because I'm certainly not the Heir of Slytherin.

**Cuthburt Binns**:And…?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Well, I'm the only one of us who is qualified to deal with such intense magic! But I'm not the Heir so it's going to be left to some…some uneducated troublemaker!

**Cuthburt Binns**:Alright, enough of your shameless self-indulgence! The monster does NOT even exist!

**Seamus Finnigan**:I hate to be the Irish Renegade of the group, but…did anyone notice the fact that the Chamber *wouldn't* be detectable? I mean, if it's only the Heir of Slytherin who can locate it, well, nobody before himwould have the ability to find the chamber.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:HOW DID I NOT THINK OF THAT?

(**Ronald Weasley**, **Harry Potter**, and **Cuthburt Binns **like this.)

**Cuthburt Binns**:Nonsense, Cinnamon.

**Seamus Finnigan**:Excuse me? I'm Irish, not a prostitute. Where the fuck did you get 'Cinnamon' from?

**Cuthburt Binns**:O'Cinnamon, then. Anyway, if a long succession of Hogwarts headmasters and headmistresses couldn't find the thing, obviously it's not there.

**Parvati Patil**:But none of them were the Heir of Slytherin!

**Cuthburt Binns**:Enough out of you Dances With Werewolves.

**Parvati Patil**:I'm not that kind of Indian, you fucking racist.

**Cuthburt Binns**:Get over it, I'm old. Now shut up, all of you. If Dumbledore can't find the Chamber, IT DOES NOT EXIST. I repeat: IT IS A MYTH.

**Dean Thomas**:But Professor…maybe you've got to be related to Slytherin!

**Cuthburt Binns**:I've heard enough from you, Lamar. Why are you even in here, anyway? Shouldn't you be out working the fields?

**Dean Thomas**:O_O

**Hermione Jean Granger**:PROFESSOR!

**Cuthburt Binns**:I meant the *Quidditch* fields! Aren't you on Quidditch, Jermaine?

**Dean Thomas**:Nice save, sir.

**Cuthburt Binns**:Heh…

**Dean Thomas**:Fuck you.

**Cuthburt Binns**:You murmured that to yourself in person but since you updated it on Facebook, I can clearly read what you said about me, Jamal.

**Dean Thomas**: Yes, I'm well aware.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Crazy shit, huh?

**Harry Potter**:I know! Who knew Binns was such a vile racist, huh? Guess we never should've asked him to break from the script…you know, he just reads his little notes everyday and nobody was any the wiser about his bigoted opinions.

**Ronald Weasley**:I was talking about the whole Chamber of Secrets thing. But quite honestly, I found the class much more fun with loony tunes Binns. I mean, he's much more fun this way.

**Harry Potter**:You're just happy because he didn't say anything about Gingers.

**Ronald Weasley**:Daaaaamn straight. And back to the Slytherin shit, he was such a fucking asshole. I would never even CONSIDER that house. I'd be on a train ride home if the Sorting Hat ever tried to convince me of heading over to the dark side.

**Harry** **Potter**:Er…

**Ronald Weasley**:What?

**Harry Potter**:Nothing!

* * *

**Colin Creevey **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: heerrrrooo!

**Harry Potter**:Hi.

**Colin Creevy**:so harry! guess wut!

**Harry Potter**:What, Colin…

**Colin Creevey**:GUESS!

**Harry Potter**:Colin, what did I tell you about making me guess instead of just spitting out your immature little comments?

**Colin Creevy**:uuuurrrm, u sed that i shouldn't do it?

**Harry Potter**:Right, Colin.

**Colin Creevey**:ur so cute. anyway, a boy in my class wuz sayin sum pritty scary thingz about u!

**Harry Potter**:Colin, kindly stfu. I don't even care what you're about to say because your spelling is so atrocious.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: What could someone have been saying about you?

**Harry Potter**:Probskiez that I'm Slytherin's Heir.

**Ronald Weasley**:Another day in the life I suppose.

**Harry Potter**:No I do have flashbacks to my Justin Finch-Fuckface encounter…*shudder*

**Ronald Weasley**:Get over it.

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:Oh look, we're miraculously at the hallway where we were almost framed for murdering a cat! Let us stay here and investigate, because that's not risky at all and I'm sure the adults haven't already looked over this entire corridor.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS. SPIDER ATTACK!

**Harry Potter**:NO WAY!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Ron?

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Ron? Why aren't you answering our Facbeook updates or verbal questions?

**Ronald Weasley**:I...don't…like…spiders.

**Harry Potter**:hahaahahahaahahahaahahaahaha

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Harry! Sh. Ron, I never knew that! You've used spiders in Potions loads of times!

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, those are dead. But when they're alive…I just…don't…like the way…they…_move_

**Hermione Jean Granger**:hehe

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley**:SHUT UP.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:It's just really funny because you're being SO dramatic.

**Ronald Weasley**:Is it…maybe…surprising?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Your fear of spiders? In what way?

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, maybe because…I'm such a manly guy.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Oh, Ron…

**Harry Potter**:Let's not even go there.

**Ronald Weasley**:*sigh* Fair enough. But Fred really scarred me as a child. He turned my teddy bear into a fucking spider, alright?

(**Fred Weasley **and **George Weasley **like this.)

**George Weasley**:Best prank ever. Hands down.

** Fred Weasley**:Why thank you, George!

** George Weasley**:The pleasure is all mine! Never die, sir.

** Fred Weasley**:I wouldn't dream of it!

**Ronald Weasley**:What an odd thing to say…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Anywho, remember all that water on the floor? Where did that come from?

**Ronald Weasley**:It looks like it came from the girl's bathroom, and I ain't going in there.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Oh my goooooodness, Ron. You are such a _baby_. Nobody's going to be in there! That's Moaning Myrtle's place.

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh shit, that girl from the Deathday Party? She tried to get my digits. This is gonna be awkward.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:What?

**Harry Potter**:Why the hell do you care, Hermione?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:No…no! I'm just…surprised! That's all! You didn't…you didn't give them to her…did you?

**Ronald Weasley**:;)

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Shut the fuck up.

**Ronald Weasley**:O_O Somebody's being rather nasty.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:RON STOP. YOU'RE JUST DOING THIS TO CONFUSE AND AGGRAVATE ME FURTHER.

**Ronald Weasley**:You got it.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:So tell me it was a lie that Moaning Myrtle hit on you!

**Ronald Weasley**:It certainly wasn't. I wish that it was! And obviously I said no.

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, he had to let her down easy. Said he had a girlfriend.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Ha! And she believed that?

**Ronald Weasley**:Jealousy is an ugly color on you, Hermione. And, yes, I had to convince her. Obviously Myrtle needed me to name names, so I just said Lavendar Brown.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:What…

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, first name that popped into my mind.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Really? You…you just randomly thought of Lavendar? Moaning Myrtle wanted a girl's name so…you just gave her Lavendar's?

**Ronald Weasley**:Yes, Hermione.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Fine. Whatever.

**Ronald Weasley**:Do you have a problem, Hermione? Because let's not make this encounter more awkward than it needs to be.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:No, Ronald. I do not have a problem. Why would I have a problem?

**Ronald Weasley**:Good.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Great.

**Ronald Weasley**:Fan-fucking-tastic.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Don't you use that language with me, Ronald!

**Harry Potter**:SHUT THE FUCK UP! FUCK. I'M GOING IN MYSELF!

**Ronald Weasley**:NO, I'M GOING HARRY! WAIT FOR ME! WAIT UP!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Moaning Myrtle**'s wall: Hello, there, _Myrtle_. Having a nice day, are you? Hit on anyone in particular lately? Hm?

**Ronald Weasley**:SHUT UP

**Moaning Myrtle**:Oh, it's *you*. Somebody tell this ginger-headed fuck that this is a *girls'*bathroom!

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, I've never!

**Moaning Myrtle**:Hm? I can't hear anything over the vibrant screaming of your red hair.

**Ronald Weasley**:Low blow.

**Moaning Myrtle**:I try.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, well you should try harder.

**Moaning Myrtle**: You wanna make out?

**Ronald Weasley**:WHAT? No!

**Moaning Myrtle**:Okay, I'm just checking! Thought I was receiving some signals…

**Ronald Weasley**:No, that's called 'bickering.' I do it with Hermione all the time.

**Moaning Myrtle**:Oh, okay. Then it's definitely platonic haha.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, totally lol.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Hermione, I would feel better if you put that drain pipe down and walked a few steps away from it…

**Hermone Jean Granger**:What? Oh…right. Ahem.

**Harry Potter**:Ask Myrtle if she saw anything the other night.

* * *

**Moaning Myrtle **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: And what the hell are you two talking about?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Well, you could just view our Friendship Page if you really wanted to know.

**Moaning Myrtle**:Oh, true.

* * *

**Moaning Myrtle **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Okay, so I looked at it, (by the way, cute Friendship Picture!) and now I'm PISSED! You three have a whole lot of nerve coming in here trying to ruin my death!My life was a misery and I'm doomed to live forever in a fucking bathroom now! How do you think that feels? Oh, right, you DON'T. YOU DON'T THINK AT ALL!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: We just wanted to know if you've seen anything funny lately! Because a cat was attacked right outside your front door on Halloween.

**Harry Potter**: Did you see anyone, Myrtle?

**Moaning Myrtle**: I wasn't paying attention! Peeves upset me so much that I came in here and tried to killmyself. Then, of course, I remembered…

**Ronald Weasley**: That you're already dead?

**Moaning Myrtle**: INSENSITIVE PRICK!

**Ronald Weasley**: Well, it's true! And who the fuck forgets that they're dead? If _I _were dead I would surely know it every second of the day. It would be all that I could think of! How do you manage to forget something *that* essential to your everyday existence?

**Moaning Myrtle**: If I were dead, if I were dead. If you don't stop talking, you will be!

**Ronald Weasley**: Is that a threat, bitch?

**Moaning Myrtle**: Maybe it is.

**Ronald Weasley**: Bring it.

**Moaning Myrtle**: And by 'it' you mean: my lips to yours?

**Ronald Weasley**: What? Again, NO!

**Moaning Myrtle**: Again, just checking! I don't want to miss an opportunity!

**Ronald Weasley**: Fair enough. But let me just throw this disclaimer out there: I am never going to want to, under any circumstances, kiss you. Ever. Never ever ever. Never. You are not my type, Myrtle.

** Moaning Myrtle**: What IS your type?

**Ronald Weasley**: I…I don't know! I'm…I'm fucking twelve! I like Quidditch and chocolate for god's sake.

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

**Moaning Myrtle**: And make out sessions with a ghost?

**Ronald Weasley**: I give up.

**Moaning Myrtle**: You give in? To your desires?

**Ronald Weasley**: NO! Harry, we're leaving.

**Harry Potter**: Yeah, we're not doing ANYTHING except solidifying the fact that you and Hermione are going to shag in the future.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: What the?

**Ronald Weasley**: Ewwwww!

**Harry Potter**: Oh, come on. Don't act like you don't know.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN! THAT'S VILE! I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU IM NOT LISTENING TO YOU!

**Ronald Weasley**:BLAH BLAH BLAH MEH MEH LA LA LA DEE DA HAPPY THOUGHTS

**Harry Potter**:You two are so immature.

* * *

**Percy Weasley **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Ronald? What are you doing stepping out of a girls' bathroom?

**Ronald Weasley**:Just havin' a look around…

**Percy Weasley**:YOU ARE A SICK INDIVIDUAL. GET AWAY FROM THERE!

**Ronald Weasley**:Ugh, I didn't mean it like that! It's completely deserted!

**Percy Weasley**:I'm sure it is now! OUT! Don't you know what this looks like? Hanging around here?

**Ronald Weasley**:Excuse me? We never laid a FINGER on that cat!

**Percy Weasley**:That's what Ihad to tell Ginny! But she still seems to think you're going to be expelled! I've never seen her so upset…you are such a rotten individual, Ronald.

**Ronald Weasley**:I'm rotten, I'm sick. Fuck you, Percy. Aren't you just so high and mighty? You're just worried it will mess up your chances of being Head Boy!

**Percy Weasley**:FIVE POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

(**Severus Snape **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:What the fuck? Ron what type of punk-ass bitch brother is this? I thought we were cool having someone on the inside, but he's taking more points than Snape!

**Severus Snape**:SIX POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

**Harry Potter**:Fuck. Spoke too soon.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Seriously…who would want to frighten all the Squibs and Muggle-borns out of Hogwarts?

**Ronald Weasley**:I can answer that in two words: Dracockface Malfuck.

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Alright, fine, nice one. But aside from that, do you *really*believe that?

**Ronald Weasley**:And I quote, "You'll be next, Mudbloods!" He's a fucking maniac.

**Harry Potter**:And all of his family, the whole line – Slytherins!

**Ronald Weasley**:But how do we prove it?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Oh, there's a way. But…it'll be difficult. We'd be breaking about fifty school rules!

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, get around to explaining this sometime in the next century, Granger.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Patience is a virtue, Ronald.

**Ronald Weasley**:And so is loneliness, Hermione. And that's what you're going to have for a very long time.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Loneliness is not…oh, forget it. Okay, the answer is Polyjuice Potion.

**Harry Potter**:Polywhata Potihuh?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Oh my goodness, Harry. I spelled it out perfectly. You've could've just copied and pasted!

**Harry Potter**:I needed to fully convey my confusion. What the fucking fuck is that?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Language. We discussed it in Potions recently!

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, because I'm actually listening to Snape in Potions…

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:Funny joke, Hermione.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You two are such BRATS. It transforms you into somebody else! We could change into three of the Slytherins and nobody would know it was us. Malfoy would tell us anything! He's probably boasting about it in the Slytherin common room right now!

**Ronald Weasley**:This sounds a bit dodgy to me…what if we were stuck looking like three Slytherins forever?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Are you really turning down a chance of getting into trouble?

**Ronald Weasley**:Hell no, fuck the consequences. Let's get our sizzurp on.

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:Heeeellll yeeaaaah!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Alright, it's not like that. It's not going to get your drunk or anything.

**Ronald Weasley**:How do you know?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I know that regardless of what I say you two are going to pretend like you're drunk anyway.

(**Harry Potter **and **Ronald Weasley **like this.)

* * *

Chapter Ten

**Harry Potter** Dear **Gilderoy Lockhart**: STOP INCLUDING ME IN YOUR SHIT SHOWS. I DON'T WANT TO GET ON MY HANDS AND KNEES AND HOWL LIKE A WEREWOLF. Kthx.

(**Dudley Dursley **likes this.)

**Dudley Dursely**: Oh Pottyhead, you're not fooling anyone LOL. Does anyone have any vids of this?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Why, as a matter of fact, I have an entire crew filming my reenactments! I'm in negotiations for a film trilogy. I can have my PR PM if you so desire!

(**Dudley Dursley** likes this.)

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** and **Dudley Dursley** are now friends.

**Harry Potter**: fuck this shit.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** Homework for 2nd Years: compose a poem about my defeat of the Wagga Wagga Werewolf! Signed copies of Magical Me to the author of the best one!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Gilderoy Lockhart**'s wall: Oh, professor…um, well…I kind of wanted to get this book out of the library but it's in the restricted section…

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:I don't know about that Miss Granger…I don't have much authority on _that _issue…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Yes, but I feel as though it might help me understand what you say in _Gadding with Ghouls_…

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:SAY NO MORE! Let me just get out my big-ass fancy quill and we can have a little permission slip drawn up, alright?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Yayyyyy

**Ronald Weasley**::-(

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Impressive, isn't it, Mr. Weasley?

**Ronald Weasley**:Your enormous peacock quill?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Yes, m'boy. Don't look so jealous. I usually save it for book signings so you three are lucky little campers!

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, great. I'm *so*excited.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Hehe! So Harry…tomorrow's the first Quiddithc match! I was a Seeker too, ya know! I was asked to try for the National Squad, but I dedicated my intense brain power to eradicate Dark Forces, you see!

**Ronald Weasley**:Fucking bs…

**Hermoine Jean Granger**:RON! Haha you're so silly…Go on, Professor Lockhart! And keep on writing that note, as well!

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:What? I wasn't even paying attention, I was thinking about how epic I used to be at Quiddtich…you know, Harry, you look a little pale. I couldfill in for you tomorrow if need be…

**Harry Potter**:Um, I don't think that's going to happen…I mean, you're a little old for that aren't you?

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Alright, well let me know! And actually, I'm twenty-four.

**Ronald Weasley**:Seriously? The nonsense you're spewing is actually unbelievable. There's no fucking way that you're twenty-four.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Such a jealous little boy. Well, here's your note, Hermione! Keep on being a star.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:*swoon*

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: That was brutal.

**Harry Potter**:I know, he's fucking twenty-four my ass. And he was asked to play for the National Squad? Fucking no-talent washed up freak…

**Ronald Weasley**:So true. But at least we got what we needed from the brainless git!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:HE IS NOT A BRAINLESS GIT. I THINK HE'S…HE'S VERY SMART. HE'S AN INSPIRATION!

**Ronald Weasley**:Hermione, stfu. What do you want to gain from your sick obsession with this man?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You two are so dim. You just can't recognize brilliance when you see it.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, because all I see right now is a dumb little girl obsessed with a talentless git.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:T_T

* * *

**Irma Pince **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Moste Potente Potions? Suspicious…

**Irma Pince**: Please let go of the permission slip. Right now.

** Hermione Jean Granger**: I was hoping I could keep it so I can frame it above my bed so I can wake to it every morning and fall asleep looking at it every night, yeah?

**Ronald Weasley**: You're shitting me. That's the only explanation for this fuckery. We'll get you another autograph, you stupid fangirl.

* * *

**Irma Pince** sent **Hermione Jean Granger** Moste Potente Potions.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Hermiiiooonneeee do we have to go back to that fucking bathroom?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Ron, I've told you a thousand times, this is the last place anyone would look to find underage wizards brewing a borderline illegal potion.

**Ronald Weasley**: Mehmehmeh.

* * *

**Harry Potter** ugh, this potions book is fucking disgusting – these illustrations are nasty. (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley** and **Hermione Jean Granger** like this.)

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Found it! The Polyjuice Potion ^_^

**Harry Potter**: Great. It's the one with all the half-transformed people with looks of agony on their faces.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: This is a really complicated potion…we can get some from the student store-cupboard…but some of these…we're gonna have to pull a James Bond. Especially for the bit of whoever we want to change into.

**Ronald Weasley**: Okay, first off, Harry - who the hell is James Bond. Second off, I'm NOT drinking anything with Crabbe's shit in it.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:James Bond is a fictional character created by Ian Fleming and has been featured in a dozen novels and two short story collections. He is a spy with the code name "007" for MI6. He is known as quite a ladies' man, but he is very good at his job.

**Ronald Weasley**: Did you not read my comment, Granger? I said HARRY! I was asking HIM!

**Harry Potter**: Sorry, mate, Hermione jacked my phone before I could answer you :(

**Hermione Jean Granger**:And anyway, Ronald, we don't have to worry about getting Crabbe's toenails until after the potion is ready since we add them in last.

**Ronald Weasley**: Just for the record, I'm NOT taking his toenails…

**Harry Potter**: Okay, redirecting the conversation away from toenails. Hermione – do you realize how much we're gonna have to steal? From SNAPE? I wouldn't put it past him to have already installed a security system so intense that would put the royal family's security to shame. All because I started at Hogwarts.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Well, if you're going to be a cry baby chicken then fine!

**Ronald Weasley**:A cry baby chicken? Really? That's the best you could come up with?

**Harry Potter**:Hermione…are you starting to…cry?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:It's just…this is so important! And I _don't _want to break the rules but it's the only way! WAH!

**Ronald Weasley**:Omg, enough. We'll do it! Just quit your whining.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:OKAY GREAT!

**Harry Potter**:So how long does it take? Couple of minutes? Hours, maybe?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:A month?

**Harry Potter**:BUT THAT'S SO LOOOOONGGGGGGGGG

**Ronald Weasley**:Let's just face it, everybody's going to be fucking dead in a month. This plan blows.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Would you like me to start crying again?

**Ronald Weasley**:Well it's the best plan we've got so full steam ahead, I say!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Yay ^_^

**Ronald Weasley**:Fuckin lunatic…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: We're screwed. Knock Malfoy off his broom tomorrow; that's literally the only chance in fiery hell that we have at the moment.

**Harry Potter**:Will do.

* * *

**Harry Potter **UP SUPER EARLY WITH BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH! FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH TODAY GRYFFIEZ! (sent from mobile)

(**Oliver Wood **likes this.)

**Dudley Dursley**:Alright, sometimes I think that I fucking dreamed your entire Facebook. Because this shit that I'm reading cannot be fucking real.

**Vernon Dursley**:Fucking pansy-ass four eyes fairy.

(**Dudley Dursley **likes this.)

**Dudley Dursley**:HI DAD

**Vernon Dursley**:Hello. Go make me so bacon, bitch.

**Dudley Dursley**:Right-o, father! Harry, as always, fuck you.

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Oh, good luck, Harry! You'll do great.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, good luck. But remember our little talk yesterday, alright?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:What talk?

**Ronald Weasley**:None of your business, Hermione.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:TELL ME!

**Ronald Weasley**:Go check his fucking wall! God, it should not be that difficult to eavesdrop on someone when we have this type of technology! We all know you stalk our pages anywaydon't bother us on top of it!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:*gasp* HARRY YOU CAN'T KNOCK HARRY OFF HIS BROOM! YOU'LL BE DISQUALIFIED!

**Harry Potter**:OH MY GOD HERMIONE. I do NOT need your shit right now I am under an INSANE amount of pressure so just BACK THE FUCK OFF MY SHIT.

**Ronald Weasley**:…Harry…do you hear that?

**Harry Potter**:Hermione crying?

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, yeah, that…but also, mostly silence?

**Harry Potter**:…yeah! Oh, isn't it glorious?

**Ronald Weasley**:A beautiful day!

** Hermione Jean Granger**:Are you two done now?

**Ronald Weasley**:Come ON!

* * *

**Oliver Wood **wrote Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Alright, guys, Slytherin has better brooms than us, no lie. And I'm as jealous as HELL, if we're going to be completely honest here. BUT we have better PEOPLE on our shit-tastic brooms. We've trained harder than them and in all the elements, damn it!

**George Weasley** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Damn straight, I haven't been dry since AUGUST.

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: We're going to make them rue the day they let that little shitbag Malfoy buy his way onto their team!

* * *

**Harry Potter** is slightly concerned for **Oliver Wood** – let's not have a heart attack before the game, shall we? (sent from mobile)

(**George Weasley**, **Fred Weasley**, and **3 others** like this.)

* * *

**Oliver Wood **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: It'll be down to you, Harry, to show them up – you have mad skillz and you don't need to have a rich father. Especially since you don't have one. Since yours is dead.

**Harry Potter** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Why you had to clarify my father's lack of existence in this world is puzzling…

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Get that Snitch before Malfoy or DIE TRYING. We HAVE to win – failure is NOT an option!

**Fred Weasley** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: No pressure, Harry! ;P

* * *

**Rolanda Hooch **wrote on Lions vs. Snakes Match!'s wall: Captains – shake hands! And try not to break each other's fingers, yes? On my whistle…GO!

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: How ya doin', Scarhead? Look at this shit – my speed is UNMATCHABLE. Yeah, my broom is faster than yours, in case you couldn't tell. Because it's better. Like I'm better than you. Yeah.

* * *

**Harry Potter** SHIT! Close call with a Bludger! I'm okay! (sent from mobile)

**George Weasley**: Close one! I got this, yo.

**George Weasley**: Er…on second thought…let me try again…shooting this at Malfuck!

**George Weasley**: Okay, there's some serious fuckery going down right now if my awesome Beating skills aren't taking care of this.

(**Fred Weasley **likes this.)

**Rogue Bludger**: HEHEHEHEHEHHE try to get rid of me, fuckers!

** Harry Potter**: ?

* * *

**Harry Potter** what the hell is going on? Why is **Rogue Bludger** attacking ME only? (sent from mobile)

(**Rogue Bludger** likes this.)

**Rogue Bludger**: WHEEEEEEE!

**Severus Snape**: Maybe it's because your head has grown to the point that it has its own gravitational pull and it's beginning to suck in everything around you.

**Harry Potter**: Honestly, Snape, that literally makes no sense in the grand scheme of things. If you want to insult the size of my head, just be direct about it.

**Severus Snape**: Fine. You have a huge head filled with ridiculous thoughts about how awesome you are, which is totally not true.

**Harry Potter**: Thank you! And this is my being direct when I tell you to go fuck yourself!

**Severus Snape**: I hope you get hit by that Bludger and it'll knock some sense into your thick cranium! Your behavior is appalling.

(**Rogue Bludger **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**: Yeah, yeah. Save your breath.

**Severus Snape** and **Rogue Bludger** are now friends.

* * *

**Fred Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I'm gonna take care of this – hang on a sec!

**Fred Weasley**: Gotcha! :)

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

**Fred Weasley**: Uhh…actually…

(**Rogue Bludger** likes this.)

**Harry Potter**: :(

* * *

**Harry Potter** honestly? It has to rain NOW? I can't see a goddamn thing! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Lee Jordan **wrote on Lions vs. Snakes Match!'s wall: Slytherin's leading sixty to zero…the bastards…

* * *

**Fred Weasley** someone fucking tampered with this Bludger! This is such bullshit! (sent from mobile)

**George Weasley**: Time out time!

* * *

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: What the hell's going on? We're dying out there! Fred and George – where were you to help Angelina? She couldn't score, you wankers!

**George Weasley** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Are you joking? There's a Bludger that's literally trying to murder Harry – we've been trying to stop it! We smell foul play and it smells rather snakey.

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Impossible! All the Quidditch equipment is locked in Hooch's office since our last practice! They couldn't have done anything!

**Harry Potter** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: *sigh* Okay, clearly I have to be the martyr here. Fred, George – go help everyone else. I'll deal with the rogue alone.

**Fred Weasley** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Harry, don't be an idiot – it'll take your head off.

**Alicia Spinnet** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Oliver – you're out of your fucking mind! You can't let Harry deal with that thing on his own. Ask for an inquiry!

**Harry Potter** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: If we stop now, we'll have to forfeit the match! I, for one, will not lose to Slyterhin just because of a crazy Bludger! Come on, Oli, tell them to back the fuck off!

**George Weasley** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Oliver – this is all your fault, telling him to get the Snitch or die trying. What an absurd thing to tell an impressionable twelve-year-old!

* * *

**Rolanda Hooch** wrote on **Oliver Wood**'s wall: Ready to resume play?

**Harry Potter**: Okay, I know I said I'd take the bullet here, but why the hell have you not noticed that a Bludger is constantly attacking me? I mean isn't that your JOB? Fuck Hogwarts and its corrupt everything.

* * *

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Well, guys, you heard the little man! Harry will deal with the Bludger like a man. I mean alone…

* * *

**Harry Potter** hey, **Rogue Bludger** I'd like to see you try to catch me! (sent from mobile)

**Rogue Bludger**: You're mine, bitch!

* * *

**Harry Potter** hahaha, this stupid Bludger is so heavy it can't change direction as quickly as I can! (sent from mobile)

**Rogue Bludger**: You just HAD to insult my weight, didn't you! It's a very sensitive topic, you prick. I was just gonna knock you out, but now I'm gonna break something. And it's gonna hurt. A lot. BE PREPARED.

**Dudley Dursley**: SEE, POTTER? Your slander is a serious problem. Get help for it. Along with everything else wrong with you, which is pretty much everything. You suck!

* * *

**Rogue Bludger** joined the group Young boys with fat bastard fathers and eating disorders.

**Rogue Bludger** and **Dudley Dursley** are now friends.

** Harry Potter**: You do realize that Rogue Bludger is actually an object of magical properties, right?

**Dudley Dursley** and **Rogue Bludger** are no longer friends.

**Rogue Bludger**: I'll get you next, ya douche.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Training for the ballet, Pottyface?

* * *

**Harry Potter** oh shit…oh shit…I see something…won't post what so Malfoy won't see…what should I doooo? (sent from mobile)

**Rogue Bludger**: Your indecision shall cost you!

* * *

**Rogue Bludger** poked **Harry Potter**.

**Harry Potter** OOWWWIEEEEE! (sent from mobile)

(**Rogue Bludger **likes this.)

**Rogue Bludger**: aiming for the face!

* * *

**Harry Potter** must. Get. To. Malfuck… (sent from mobile)

**Draco Malfoy**: what the…? RUNNING AWAY!

* * *

**Harry Potter** caught the Snitch! We won! Now I'm going to go die out of sheer pain (sent from mobile)

(**Oliver Wood** and **754 others** like this.)

**Oliver Wood**: Atta boy!

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** sent **Harry Potter** a spectacular view of glittering teeth.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Gilderoy Lockhart**'s wall: NO. FUCK OFF!

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Doesn't know what he's saying, the poor concussed child!

**Harry Potter**: I'm not concussed, you ignoramus – my arm is CLEARLY broken!

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Well, I shall fix your arm!

**Harry Potter**: You're actually the last person on this planet I would want to fix my arm right now. I would trust Ron over you, and he's barely certifiable to do magic. Hell, I'd trust the evil wizard who murdered my parents over you. Long story short: DON'T TOUCH MY ARM, BITCH!

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Colin Creevy**'s wall: You better stop taking photos of this right now, you twisted fuck.

**Colin Creevy**:dont u want suvaneers?

**Harry Potter**: No, Colin. I don't. Now kindly get the FUCK out of my face!

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Calm down, Harry, just relax. It'll just take a simple charm that I've used loads of times.

**Harry Potter**: I literally don't believe a single piece of nonsense out of your mouth. Just take me to the goddamn hospital wing!

**Oliver Wood**: Professor, he really should be taken there :D Really nice catch, Harry, definitely one of your best ^_^

**Harry Potter**: Thanks for your concern of my wellbeing, Oliver.

** Oliver Wood**: XD

* * *

**Fred Weasley** wrote on **Rogue Bludger**'s wall: GET IN THE FUCKING BOX!

**George Weasley**: SURRENDER!

**Rogue Bludger**: NEVER! FUCK YOU, ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart** everyone! Stand back! I got this. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Dislike! STOP!

* * *

**Harry Potter** aghhh my arm feels weeeiiiirrrdddd. (sent from mobile)

**Gilderoy Lockhart**: Ah, yes, well that can sometimes happen. But I've succeeded because the bones are no longer broken and you're in no pain! I win! But you should go to the hospital wing anyway…Mr. Weasey and Miss Granger should take you.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Will do, Professor! ^_^

**Harry Potter**: Oh my god, why is everyone staring…AND COLIN STOP TAKING PICTURES FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME!

* * *

**Harry Potter** is gonna pass out – I HAVE NO BONES IN MY ARM? **Gilderoy Lockhart** – you're such a fucking moron! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Poppy Pomfrey** is FUCKING PISSED.

* * *

**Poppy Pomfrey **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You should've come STRAIGHT TO ME, you little dumb-dumb! I can mend bones in a second, but growing them…

**Harry Potter**: DON'T TRAIL OFF LIKE THAT! YOU WILL BE ABLE TO, RIGHT?

** Poppy Pomfrey**: Of course I can. Don't belittle my abilities, boy. But it's going to hurt. A lot. You'll have to sleep over.

**Harry Potter**: Woooo sleepover in the hospital wing…

* * *

**Harry Potter** is being helped into his jammies by **Ronald Weasley** – what a pal! (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley**: *cough*GAYGAYGAY*cough*

**Harry Potter**: GTFO, Dudders, no one appreciates your comments.

**Colin Creevy**: i do.

**Harry Potter**:Creeper.

(**Colin Creevy** likes this.)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: You'd have to be bat-shit INSANE to still be sticking up for Lockhart. Just saying.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Anyone can make a mistake, Ronald. No one's perfect.

**Ronald Weasley**: *headdesk*

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: It doesn't hurt anymore, right?

**Harry Potter** No, but it doesn't do much else, either. I'd rather have the pain than have NO BONES. Fuck.

(**Ronald Weasley** likes this.)

* * *

**Poppy Pomfrey** sent **Harry Potter** a glass of Sele-Gro.

**Poppy Pomfrey** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You're in for a rough night, Potter. Re-growing bones just sucks. Have fun.

**Harry Potter**: D:

* * *

**Poppy Pomfrey** fuck Quidditch and fuck inept teachers like **Gilderoy Lockhart**.

(**Harry Potter**, **Ronald Weasley**, **Minerva McGonagall**, **Severus Snape**, **Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**, and **670 others** like this.)

**Harry Potter**: You do realize we only like your status because of Lockhart, right?

(**Ronald Weasley**, **Minerva McGonagall**, **Severus Snape**, **Albus ****Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore** and **669 others** like this.)

**Poppy Pomfrey**: I figured as much.

* * *

**Harry Potter** Skele-Gro tastes like SHIT. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Look on the bright side – we totally won and showed Dracockface what's up. He looked read to kill you, it was gts.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I want to know how he fixed that Bludger.

**Harry Potter**: We can add that to the list of questions when we take the Polyjuice Potion. Although I find it hard to believe that anyone could've created Rogue Bludger – he was a scary mofo. Fosho.

(**Rogue Bludger** likes this.)

**Rogue Bludger**: That's right, bitch, I'm one of a kind. The kind that breaks stupid dummies like you.

(**Hedwig the Owl **likes this.)

**Hedwig the Owl**: I really enjoyed what you did today. It gave me butterflies in my stomach. You, sir, are a hero.

**Rogue Bludger**: I'm glad we share some common interests. Would you like to meet in person sometime, honeycakes?

**Hedwig the Owl**: Yes, I would 3 Let's meet at 11, yeah?

(**Rogue Bludger** likes this.)

**Harry Potter**: Is this real? You cannot be serious, Hedwig. IT'S A FUCKING BLUDGER! IT HAS NO PULSE!

** Hedwig the Owl**: Meep.

**Harry Potter**: You're still going to do that shit with me? FINE, like I give a flying fuck!

**Hedwig the Owl**: Meeeeeeep. Meep. (don't sleep with your eyes closed unless you want to be brutally slaughtered and beaten in your sleep)

(**Rogue Bludger** likes this.)

**Harry Potter**: T_T Anyway…I hope the potion tastes better than Skele-Gro…

**Ronald Weasley**: With bits of Slytherins in it? Yeah, right.

* * *

**George Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Wicked flying, Harry! Just saw Marcus Flint bitching Malfoy out for not noticing the Snitch that was practically in front of his face the entire time! Malfoy's not very happy about that hahahhaha

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

**George Weasley**, **Fred Weasley**,** Oliver Wood**, **Angelina Johnson**, **Alicia Spinnet**, and **Katie Bell** sent **Harry Potter** cakes, sweets, and bottles of pumpkin juice.

**Harry Potter** Love ya guys X3

* * *

**Poppy Pomfrey** AGH! **George Weasley**, **Fred Weasley**,** Oliver Wood**, **Angelina Johnson**, **Alicia Spinnet**, and **Katie Bell** – GET THE HELL OUT! **Harry Potter** has 33 bones to re-grow!

**Fred Weasley**: Right when the party was getting good…

* * *

**Harry Potter** meh, arm's hurting like a bitch. Gonna go to sleep – night, night! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** HOLY FUCK MY ARM KILLLLSSSSS (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Wait…how am I even up?

**Harry Potter**: My forehead is being sponged! If I find out this is Colin, I'm getting a restraining order! GET THE FUCK OFF, WHOEVER IT IS!

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Dobby the House-Elf**'s wall: DOBBY?

**Dobby the House-Elf**: T_T Harry Potter came to school…even though Dobby warned you not to…why didn't Harry Potter go home after he missed the train?

**Harry Potter**: Dobby, WTF are you doing here? And how the hell did you know I missed the train? Holy crap on the cracker, YOU stopped the barrier from letting us through! Are you joking?

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Dobby did do it, and afterwards the ironing of hands commenced. But Dobby didn't mind, as long as Harry Potter was safe! Now you're here and Dobby is stuck with ten damanged fingers. Not very pleased about that.

**Harry Potter**: O_O

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Dobby was so shocked to hear Harry Potter attending Hogwarts! He let his master's dinner burn – and got the shit kicked out of him for that…

**Harry Potter**: Don't care – you almost got Ron and I expelled! You better get lost before my bones grow back because I will break you, bitch!

**Dobby the House-Elf**: How is it Dobby's fault that you found an illegal way of getting to Hogwarts? You stupidly chose to take the car instead of writing a letter to Professor Dumbledore, stupid. P.S. I get death threats a million times a day, yours are weak.

** Harry Potter**: I don't need that shit – I already got that speech months ago. And honestly, why the hell do you wear that pillowcase? It's icky.

**Dobby the House-Elf**:Oh, it's the mark of the house-elf's enslavement. Nice, eh? Dobby can only be freed if he's presented with clothes. The family is careful not to pass Dobby any clothes, even a sock *HINT, HINT, NUDGE, SHOVE, POKE, PROD*, otherwise Dobby would be free forevs.

**Harry Potter**: The sock reference has been noted.

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Goody. Now, YOU should be heading home! Dobby thought his Bludger would be enough…

**Harry Potter**: omg, ROGUE BLUDGER IS YOURS! IT COULD'VE KILLED ME!

**Rogue Bludger**: Hey, bitch, I belong to NO ONE.

**Hedwig the Owl**: Honey, it's fine, you don't have to assert your BAMF-ness to these fucking losers. Your existence is enough.

** Harry Potter**: I'm vomiting in my mouth if you're sending these messages in bed.

**Hedwig the Owl**: You know it, scarface fucker.

**Harry Potter**: Ughhhhhhhh.

(**Hedwig the Owl **and **Rogue Bludger** likes this.)

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Never kill you! Just…grievously injure you to the point where you have to be sent home…

**Harry Potter**:OKAY, WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE SO FUCKING BADLY, HUH?

** Dobby the House-Elf**: Ah, if only Harry Potter knew!

**Harry Potter**: Yes, exactly! So you should tell me!

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Harry Potter means so much to lowly creatures such as Dobby! He remembers the dark times of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Namedand when he was all powerful and shit. We were treated like crap, and to be frank, Dobby is still treated that way. BUT, ever since you got rid of him, it's been happy times! But terrible things are about to go down at Hogwarts this year! Or they're already happening – you have to peace out, now that the Chamber of Secrets is open once more…

* * *

**Dobby the House-Elf** sent **Dobby the House-Elf** hits in the face with a water jug.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Dobby the House-Elf**'s wall: OMG so a Chamber of Secrets exists! And it was opened before! But I'm not Muggle-born – how am I in danger?

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Wahhhhh don't ask Dobby anymore questionssss. It's basically gonna be bad – Harry Potter shouldn't be here for that.

**Harry Potter**: Just give me a name! Who is it? Who opened it this time and the last, damn it!

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Dobby can't saaaayyyyyyy – go hoooommmeeee.

**Harry Potter**: I'm not going anywhere, which should've been clear by now! One of my BFFs is Muggle-born and is apparently in danger!

**Dobby the House-Elf**: Harry Potter risks his life for his friiieeeendddss. So noble! But he must save himself….

* * *

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore** wrote on **Minerva McGonagall**'s wall: Go get Madam Pom-Pom.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is totally pretending to sleep right now to eavesdrop on teachers! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Poppy Pomfrey **wrote on **Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**'s wall: What's happened now?

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**: *sigh* What do you think – another attack. Minnie found him on the stairs.

**Minerva McGonagall**: *twitch* Hate Minnie…Anyway. There were a lot of grapes around him…I think he was trying to sneak in to visit Potter, which is just weird.

* * *

**Harry Potter** not gonna lie – **Colin Creevy **getting Petrified isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, this is the best news I've had so far this year. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Poppy Pomfrey** wrote on **Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**'s wall: Petrified?

**Minerva McGonagall**: Yep – but I shudder to think what would've happened if Albus hadn't been on his way downstairs for hot cocoa…

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**: Oooohhh! He has a camera! I like cameras. Gonna swipe this…

**Minerva McGonagall**: He might have taken a pic of his attacker!

**Poppy Pomfrey**: Well, fuck me! That's not good of the camera is smoking…it's melted…

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**: Curses. No new camera for Dumblepops D:

**Minerva McGonagall**: Enough about the fucking camera! What does all this shit MEAN?

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**:…It means…that the Camber of Secrets is indeed open…AGAIN.

**Minerva McGonagall**: Figured as much. I got that from the bloody writing on the wall. But…who the FUCK could it be?

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**: The question is not who…but…HOW…

**Minerva McGonagall**: Ugh, wtf, I don't get it. As usual, you make no fucking sense.

**Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore**: That is what I do best!

* * *

**Harry Potter** what the helllll did I just listen to? And the plot thickens! (sent from mobile)

* * *

A/N: If you don't review, Hedwig will come after you. Just sayin'.

D+K


	6. Part VI

A/N: Onward!

Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

Chapter Eleven

**Harry Potter **is back, bitchez! (sent from mobile)

**Percy Weasley**:Hello, Harry. Excellent flying yesterday. Gryffindor has just taken the lead for the House Cup - you earned fifty points!

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, yeah, what else is new? Have you seen Ron or Hermione?

**Percy Weasley**:No…I HOPE RON ISN'T IN THE GIRLS' TOILET AGAIN!

**Harry Potter **sent **Percy Weasley **a forced laugh.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is looking for his bffs in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. EVERYONE ELSE STAY THE FUCK OUT! (sent from mobile)

**Percy Weasley**:NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Harry, PLEASE refrain from posting your whereabouts on your status, especially when we're doing something secretive.

**Harry Potter**:Oh, right. Percy, fuck off.

(**Ronald Weasley**, **Fred Weasley**, and **George Weasley **like this.)

**Percy Weasley**:-_-

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Anyway, we decided to get started on the Polyjuice Potion, and this is the safest place…even if Myrtle wants to jump my bones.

(**Moaning Myrtle **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:Listen, this is important…Dobby came to visit me last night and…well, he had some pretty fucked up shit to say about the Chamber of Secrets – you know, something about all of this ALREADY HAPPENING years ago!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:WHAT? The Chamber of Secrets has been opened BEFORE?

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, clearly Lucius Malfoy opened the Chamber when he was at school here and now he's taught his fuckface son how to do it!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:That actually makes a great deal of sense…I'd be quite confused if the person ended up being someone entirely different…

**Harry Potter**:Samesiez.

**Ronald Weasley **I wish Dobby had told you what the monster looked like. How come nobody's noticed it?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Perhaps it can make itself invisible? Or maybe it can disguise itself…to be a suit of armor or something? I've read about Chameleon Ghouls…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Hermione?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Yes, Ron?

**Ronald Weasley**:Stfu.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:?

**Ronald Weasley**:You read too much. Honestly, you need to get laid.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I'm TWELVE!

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, well, you're too uptight.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Ronald, you haven't even _kissed _anyone yet!

**Ronald Weasley**:Neither have you!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Hence why I'm not running my mouth about other twelve-year-olds!

**Ronald Weasley**:Shut up.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Sensitive much?

**Ronald Weasley**:Hermione, I'm going to murder you.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Is that a THREAT?

**Ronald Weasley**:It's a promise.

**Harry Potter**:Alright, shut the fucking fuck up! You BOTH need to get laid – ONE DAY. By each other, preferably, so that nobody else in the world has to deal with either of you.

**Moaning Mrytle**:I'll deal with you, Ron ;)

**Ronald Weasley**:Ugh, see what you've done now, Hermione?

** Hermione Jean Granger**:HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?

**Ronald Weasley**:It just IS.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:OH, THAT'S YOUR RESPON

**Harry Potter**:When I said 'shut the fucking fuck up,' I kind of meant it. Let's get to more pressing matters, like concentrating on brewing a proper potion that DOESN'T leave us trapped in Slytherin bodies FOR ALL ETERNITY.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Fine. But I'd appreciate if you didn't grab my phone in the middle of a sentence.

**Harry Potter**:I'd appreciate if you two weren't such whiny BITCHES.

**Ronald Weasley**:Point taken.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Yeah, we get it.

**Harry Potter**:Halle-FUCKING-lujah.

* * *

**Ginny Weasley **so, so, so, so SCARED of the Chamber Monster! (sent from mobile)

**Fred Weasley**:Boo-

**George Weasley**:** -**ooooo!

**Ginny Weasley**:WAAAAAAAAHHHH!

**Harry Potter**:Guys, you're going about cheering Ginny up the WRONG way!

**Fred Weasley**:Does it look like

**George Weasley**:we're trying to cheer her up? ^_^

**Harry Potter**:Well, I thought you were trying to distract her…

**Fred Weasley**:Oh, shit.

**George Weasley**:We were feeding off her fear of the unknown by scaring her with cruel little pranks…

**Fred Weasley**: It's KIND of what brothers are for, you see.

**Harry Potter**:Oh! Okay, then. Carry on, I suppose…

* * *

**Fred Weasley **wrote on **Ginny Weasley**'s wall: BOO!

**Ginny Weasley**:WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

(**Fred Weasley**, **George Weasley**, and **Ronald Weasley **like this.)

**Percy Weasley**:I'M GOING TO TELL MOM

**Fred Weasley**:Peeeeeercy

**George Weasley**:Kindly shut the fuck up.

**Fred Weasley**:Yeah, exactly what he said.

**Ginny Weasley**:Even I agree with the twins…

**Percy Weasley**:-_-

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **everyone who plans to make my life a living hell and remain at the school for Christmas, please sign the list… (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I heard Malfoy is staying, so we better stay as well!

**Ronald Weasley**:Suspicious of him…

**Harry Potter**:Yes, agreed.

**Ronald Weasley**:Mum's not going to be happy about me staying at Hogwarts.

**Fred Weasley**:She won't care…

**George Weasley**:…one less mouth to feed!

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, true! She probably won't even realize I'm not at home.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Well, my parents will be VERY disappointed….you know, considering the fact that I'm an only child and the light of their life/only reason for existing.

**Ronald Weasley**:No, really, Hermione, just rub it in.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Sorry…

**Ronald Weasley**:You're great. Your social skills are truly magnificent.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: We SERIOUSLY need to finish this potion if we want to use it over the break!

**Harry Potter**:I don't know why you're telling ME this. Why don't you and Ron both decide to be mature for once? Because everytime we meet to brew the potion, you two get into outrageous arguments that leave me pondering suicide.

**Ronald Weasley**:Sheesh.

** Hermione Jean Granger**:I KNOW. He's so dramatic sometimes.

** Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, I totally agree.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:But he is right. I mean, we do have to finish the potion. So, I'll just come right out with it: you have to stop being so annoying.

**Ronald Weasley**:O_O

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Hm?

**Ronald Weasley**:ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, even I have to admit…I do not for one moment believe Ron is INNOCENT, but you're quite annoying/argumentative Hermione.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Well, I've never!

**Ronald Weasley**:You've never…been called 'annoying'? I find this hard to believe for more than one reason. Most importantly, I know you've been called annoying at least everyday by Harry and me.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:FINE. WHATEVER. The point is, we need to think of a diversion that will enable us to steal certain ingredients from Snape…you know, when we have Potions class on Thursday. I'd prefer to do the actual stealing, because you two will get expelled if you do anything wrong. _I've _got a clean record. Just cause a bit of mayhem for five minutes so I can do it.

**Ronald Weasley**:Righty-o.

**Harry Potter**:Meh…

**Ronald Weasley**:Did I read that correctly? What's 'meh' about causing trouble for Snape?

**Harry Potter**:Because he's so damn scary. The way he looks at me, I feel as though he's going to literally un-hinge his jaw and swallow me whole.

**Severus Snape**:Yep. So watch out, fucktard.

**Harry Potter**:SEE!

**Ronald Weasley**:You're over-reacting.

* * *

**Harry Potter **time for Potions…*sigh* so nervous! (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Omg. You battled the fucking Dark Lord. Buck up, soldier.

**Harry Potter:**I knoooowww, but sometimes I think Snape is worse than Voldemort.

(**Severus Snape **likes this.)

**Hedwig the Owl**:Wait, really? You think that slimey bastard is worse than ME?

**Harry Potter**:…

**Hedwig the Owl**:Yeah, that's what I thought. Potter? Do me a favor and suck my dick.

**Harry Potter**:WHAT?

**Hedwig the Owl**:See, the fact that you're still offended by me, tells me one thing: I'm the fucking king.

(**Rogue Bludger **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:Aren't you a GIRL again?

**Hedwig the Owl**:Omg, stay the fuck out of my life, Potter! I did NOT have the sex change operation again. Rogue Bludger likes me the way I am.

(**Rogue Bludger **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:I'm rolling my eyes, Hedwig. You go through love interests faster than plans to murder me.

**Hedwig the Owl**:And I'll do whatever the fuck I want for as long as I want. And if you want to continue living, you WILL obey me.

**Rogue Bludger**:You're so sexy when you're angry, Hedwig.

**Harry Potter**:Oh, get the FUCK off my status, you perverts.

**Rogue Bludger**:OMG, Hedwig. You weren't joking. He is SO IGNORANT.

**Hedwig the Owl**:It's unbelievable, Rogue. UNBELIEVABLE. I've never been faced with such…hatred before. It makes me really hate our society. So tactless and intolerant.

**Rogue Bludger**:I agree. Let's leave this status before we're stained with the indecency that floods Harry's veins.

**Harry Potter**:This is a fucking joke. Hedwig, I'm onto you. You pretend to be such an "activist" and "victim" around your "lovers" but then I turn around and you have a fucking knife to my throat!

**Hedwig the Owl**:LIES!

**Harry Potter**:Oh, that's NOT how I woke up this morning? You dare to deny that? What about this scar on my neck!

* * *

**Rogue Bludger **wrote on **Hedwig the Owl**'s wall: What is this? This picture Harry just inboxed me?

**Hedwig the Owl**:What is it? If it's something pornographic, shield your eyes, my sweet!

**Rogue Bluder**:Hedwig…it's a picture of you holding a blade to his throat! And then another picture of his scarred neck! And…and hundreds upon hundreds of frightening e-mails depicting your gruesome plans to tear his flesh apart!

**Hedwig the Owl**:ROGUE! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK! HE-HE PROVOKED ME! WITH-WITH…ER…HATEFUL WORDS REGARDING MY 'INDECENT SEXUALITY'!

**Harry Potter**:You know, I know, and Rogue knows that NONE of that happened, so just give it up, Hedwig.

**Rogue Bludger**:We're done, Hedwig. I thought that you were someone I could rely on to fight the hateful battles of our ignorant world. I thought you had the same ideals as I; the same ideas as Martin Luther King, Jr.! But alas, you are a violent, disturbed, crazy mother fucker. Sigh.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Rogue, please. PLEASE. I NEED you!

**Rogue Bludger**:What are you going to do, kill me if I don't "obey" you?

**Hedwig the Owl**:Rogue, I LOVE YOU!

**Rogue Bludger**:I feel nothing for you, you hateful piece of shit.

**Hedwig the Owl**:I don't even know what to say…I've never felt such a combination of heartache and desire to rip a young boy to shreds with my teeth…

**Rogue Bludger **and **Hedwig the Owl **are no longer in a relationship.

* * *

**Rogue Bludger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Harry, thank you for showing me the light. I know what you've risked by telling me the truth about Hedwig.

**Harry Potter**:You don't even know, I'm probably going to die tonight. But it was the right thing to do.

**Rogue Bludger**:Oh, no you won't. I've already called my Rogue Bludger friends to form a constant shield around your room and person. Consider us your bodyguards against your psychotic pet ^_^

**Harry Potter**:Seriously?

**Rogue Bludger**:Harry, I want to formally apologize for attacking you on the Quidditch field. Though, I do hope you will believe that it wasn't me…I was…feeling a bit off that day. I still don't know what got into me.

**Harry Potter**:Oh yeah, I know all about that. All is forgiven.

**Rogue Bludger**:Yayzies!

**Harry Potter **and **Rogue Bludger **are now friends.

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You do realize this is like, the millionth relationship you've RUINED FOR ME. And do you think you got off easy with the Mrs. Norris thing? Just because she's alive? No, IT'S JUST TALLYING UP. YOU. WILL. DIE. FOR. THIS.

**Harry Potter**:Yawn.

**Hedwig the Owl**:CAAAAAAAWWWWWW!

* * *

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on **Hedwig the Owl**'s wall: Hedwig…how are you?

**Hedwig the Owl**:What the fuck do you want?

**The Whomping Willow**:Interesting response…considering you broke it off with me. In fact, I just stood ideally by while you pursued…sport equipment.

**Hedwig the Owl**:You knew our relationship was dead at that point.

**The Whomping Willow**:It would've been nice to have a heads up of sorts. You knew I was off fighting for Tree Equality…I come back, check my Facebook activity, and see that we're no longer in a relationship? How do you think that made me feel, Hedwig?

**Hedwig the Owl**:THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH I CAN TAKE WAKING UP TO A COLD HALF OF A MATTRESS! YOU WERE ALWAYS FIGHTING EQUALITY! WHAT ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP? DID YOU EVER GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THAT?

**The Whomping Willow**:I only care about ONE "flying fuck" and that's you.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Bullshit…

**The Whomping Willow**:I FIGHT FOR THE BOTH OF US! FOR US TO BE TOGETHER! TO GET MARRIED ONE DAY!

**Hedwig the Owl**:…really?

**The Whomping Willow**:YES.

**Hedwig the Owl**:I'm…I'm really sorry. I'm in…such a bad place right now. That Harry Shithead Potfuckbitch has been screwing with my head.

**The Whomping Willow**:I see you can't even produce proper curse. You're just…mashing a bunch together…

**Hedwig the Owl**:Ugh…I'm a mess…

**The Whomping Willow**:Get your cute ass over here. Meet me…where I'm growing from the ground. We'll have a nice, long talk. We'll work everything out.

**Hedwig the Owl**:You always know what to say.

**The Whomping Willow**:;)

* * *

**Harry Potter **and NOW for everyone UNINTERESTED in the soap opera surrounding my pet owl…I will demonstrate extreme heroism in Potions class… (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter **sent **Goyle **a Filibuster Firework.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **FUCK MY LIFE! POTION IN THE FACE!111!1! (sent from mobile)

(**Harry Potter **and **Ronald Weasley **like this.)

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: If I ever find substantial evidence to prove that you did this, I WILL MAKE SURE YOU ARE EXPELLED.

**Harry Potter**:o_O I didn't do shit.

**Severus Snape**:Don't use that tone with me, Potfuckbitch.

**Harry Potter**:Okay, I suspected it before, but now I'm certain. You're stealing Hedwig's curses.

**Hedwig the Owl**:I KNEW IT.

**Severus Snape**:I DID NO SUCH THING!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Those curses are copywrited SHITBITCH.

**Severus Snape**:Go fuck yourself, owl.

**Hedwig the Owl**:You're on my list, you slimey tard-muffin.

**Severus Snape**:I read the feed before, I know Potter thinks I'm scarier than you. THAT'S why you're so pissed.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Low blow. At least I have LOVE.

**Severus Snape**:It's always about LOVE isn't it? DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO RUB IT IN?

** The Whomping Willow**:Did you really mean that, Hedwig?

**Hedwig the Owl**:Of course.

**The Whomping Willow**:^_^

**Severus Snape**:ALRIGHT, ENOUGH. GTFO! ESPECIALLY YOU, POTTER.

**Harry Potter**:Gladly.

* * *

**Seamus Finnigan **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: They're starting a Dueling Club! I feel like this might come in handy one of these days…

**Dean Thomas**:Eh, I'm skeptical. I mean, sure, we should know _how _to duel, but I doubt it will ever really become necessary. It's not like the wizarding world is a dangerous place or anything…

**Seamus Finnigan**:True. I mean, can you imagine? Newspaper headlines: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Rises Again! Hahahahaha

**Harry Potter**:Gulp. We should all go.

**Seamus Finnigan**:Kay.

**Dean Thomas**:I'm in.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Def.

**Ronald Weasley**:What, do you think Slytherin's monster can duel?

**Harry Potter**:Um, maybe!

**Ronald Weasley**:Sigh…more work.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Lazy shit…

**Ronald Weasley**:DID YOU JUST INSULT ME *AND*CURSE AT THE SAME TIME?

** Hermione Jean Granger**:Ye

**Harry Potter**:And this will happen everytime you two start to bicker. Phone, Ron.

** Ronald Weasley**:Noooo!

**Harry Potter**:Would you like me to take it?

**Ronald Weasley**:Your're not tak

**Harry Potter**:That's what I thought.

* * *

**Harry Potter **Dueling Club tonight! All I can say is the teacher better be ANYONE – I mean ANYONE EVEN SNAPE – but Lockhart! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley **and **50 others **like this.)

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Hey, hey, hey kiddos! It's Lockhart Time!

The Dueling Club sent **Gilderoy Lockhart **a collective groan.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Okay,now the only way this could get worse is if Snape entered…

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: And let me introduce my assistant, Professor Snape! He tells me he knows a TEENY TINY ALMOST NON-EXISTENT MICROSCOPIC LITTLE BIT about dueling! And don't worry about such a noteable hero dueling with your Potions master! He'll be FINE!

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: You literally couldn't fit ONE MORE ludicrous statement into that paragraph.

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Watch carefully, youngsters, as I curse your Professor! Hehe.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on **Severus Snape**'s wall: Ready, buddy?

**Severus Snape **sent **Gilderoy Lockhart **a murderous glare.

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on **Severus Snape**'s wall: GREAT! On the count of three, then! A-one, a-two, a-skiddly diddly do!

**Severus Snape**:Fuck you. Oh, yeah, and Expelliarmus.

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:AHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: OH NO, EVERYONE! IS HE OKAY?

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Who gives a fucking fuck? This is the best day ever.

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Ouchiez. Well, there you have it. That was a Disarming Charm. As you see…I've lost my wand…ah, there it is, thanks, Miss Brown…yes, anyway, excellent idea, Professort Snape! Excellent. If you don't mind me saying, it was quite obvious what you were about to do. If I wanted to stop you, obviously, I would've! But for the sake of the kids, education is BEST!

**Severus Snape **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Fuck. You.

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: I think that means it's just about time for pairing you little monsters into groups!

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Time to split up the dream team.

**Harry Potter**:NO!

**Ronald Weasley**:Bestiez forever.

**Severus Snape**:You nauseate me. Weasley with Finnigan, Potter…

**Harry Potter**:Hermione?

**Severus Snape**:Oh haaaale naw. Granger, you're with Bulstrode. Potter, you're with Malfoy.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **and **Millicent Bulstrode **are now friends.

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Millicent Bulstrode**'s wall: Oh, hello there! Thanks for friending me!

**Millicent Bulstrode**:I didn't friend you to be FRIENDS. I friended you to say this: watch your back, cause Bulstrode don't mess around. You got a death wish, frizz ball? If you didn't, now you do. Prepare to die.

**Hermione Jean Granger **and **Millicent Bulstrode **are no longer friends.

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: Do a number on him, you little shit.

**Draco Malfoy**:OF COURSE, PROFESSOR! ^_^

**Harry Potter**:Suck up…

**Draco Malfoy**:You wish you were me, lameson.

**Harry Potter**:Lameson? Really? Wtf?

**Draco Malfoy**:I'm going to Avada Kedavra you so hard that your grandchildren will weep.

(**Dudley Dursley **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:Oh really? Is my sperm immortal? How the FUCK am I going to have grandchildren if you've murdered me?

**Draco Malfoy**:Uh…SHUT THE FUCK UP

**Harry Potter**:^_^ Oh yeah, Dudley Dursley…you WOULD be dumb enough to like Malfoy's DUMBASS insult.

**Dudley Dursley**:Srsly, Harry? Are you TRYING to die? Because you don't even KNOW what me, Hedwig, Snape, Draco, Rogue Bludger, and your other numerous enemies I've befriended on Facebook are planning.

**Harry Potter**:Uuuummm Rogue Bludger was enchanted when he attacked me. He's my personal bodyguard now, soo…

**Dudley Dursley**:WHAT!

**Harry Potter**:Yeah.

**Dudley Dursley **and **Rogue Bludger **are no longer friends.

* * *

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Hey, all. Apparently, we have a traitor among us. I've already defriended Rogue Bludger and I vehemently propose that all of you do the same. Next order of business: kick him the hell out of F.U.C.K. (with dumbass scars).

**Rogue Bludger **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I joined this group while I was under an EXTREMELY potent spell! So, I do not need to be forcibly removed, I will remove myself. You all are extremely frightening individuals and I will not cease until I have dismantled your little group. Oh yeah, and your name is STUPID. You tried SO hard to create a title from the letters F-U-C-K that it totally doesn't even work. If you have to add an explanatory note in parentheses at the end of the title, IT FAILED.

**Severus Snape **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Get the fuck out, nerd.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Yeah, Rogue. You're completely unwanted for any reason whatsoever – that includes plans to kill Potter and/or sexual favors for me!

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Ew.

**Rogue Bludger **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: So that's all I was to you? Some common prostitute? You're more psychotic than even I suspected. Rogue OUT.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: THAT'S RIGHT. GIT.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Don't even stoop to his level. He protects the ignorant Potter. He is now as much of an enemy to us as the bespectacled BIGOT.

**Severus Sanpe **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: The only issue is that he knows most of our plans.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: He doesn't, really. Haven't you noticed how he only joined our group and wrote a few expletives about smashing Potter's face in? It was while he was enchanted. He barely remembers anything and he never checked back into the group until now. We're good.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: You're so smart, Hed.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Thanksies snookums ;)

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Okay, ENOUGH. Hedwig, if you bring ONE MORE of your 'lovers' into this group I am leaving! I refuse to be nauseated by something that should only fill me with joy. I'm off to actually duel Potter. You know, the FIRST PRODUCTIVE thing we've done since this group was created?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: You're seriously cruising for a bruising, MALFUCK. *I* created this group and *I* will make all decisions, including who enters and leaves. And unless you do a number on Harry's goddamn face during that duel, you're THIS close to being kicked to the curb!

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: You can go fuck yourself.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: EXCUSE ME?

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Um, sorry, but…I started this group.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: YOU WANNA DIE, FATTIE?

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: NO! YOU STARTED IT!

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: That's what I fucking THOUGHT.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Hedwig, let's continue our conversation outside of this heinous group. We can talk about what a good-for-nothing scumbag Draco is.

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: HEDWIG HAS HAD A MILLION CHANCES TO PECK POTTER'S EYES OUT. AND YET SHE CONTINUES TO WASTE HER TIME HAVING SEX WITH INANIMATE OBJECTS AND PLANTS.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Okay, now YOU can go fuck yourself. Do you even know who I AM? I'm a BIG NAME in the Tree Equality biz and you BEST not mess with me.

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Blah blah blah BULLSHIT. I'm going off to actually make something of myself AND this group. Draco OUT.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Alrighty, all! Wands at the ready! Cast your chamrs to disarm your opponents – onlyto disarm them! A-one, a-two….

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **sent **Harry Potter **an unknown spell which causes the recipient to stumble.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Gilderoy Lockhart**'s wall: Wtf? Who writes 'one, two' and a line full of periods? I wasn't prepared for Malfoy's unknown spell that only caused me to stumble!

**Gilderoy Lockart**:Sorry about that, but Professor Snape grabbed my phone just as I was shouting two…we had a bit of a tussle, hence the string of periods…I wonder why he would cut me off, giving Draco a head start!

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: SERIOUSLY? THAT'S ALL YOU COULD COME UP WITH? I GIVE YOU A HEAD START AND YOU MAKE HIM _STUMBLE_?

**Hedwig the Owl**:You are _so _out of the group, shitfucker.

**Draco Malfoy**:DON'T DISTRACT ME, I'M STILL

* * *

**Harry Potter **sent **Draco Malfoy **_Rictusempra_.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I SAID DISARM, ONLY! DRACO COULD BE DEAD!

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **HAHAHAHHAHA (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Gilderoy Lockhart**'s wall: It's a fucking tickling charm, you dumbass shit.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Hahahahahahaha _TARANTALLEGNA! _Hahahahahahahaha

** Gilderoy Lockhart**:STOP THE MADNESS!

* * *

**Severus Snape** sent **Draco Malfoy **and **Harry Potter **Finite Incantatem.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **SOMEONE HELP ME! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: OH SHIT! MILLICENT'S GOT HERMIONE IN A HEAD LOCK! GIRL FIGHT!

**Seamus Finnigan **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Fuck yeah!

**Dean Thomas **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Niiiiiiiiceeee

**Harry Potter **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Obviously I will rise above the testosterone and break up this fight…

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Laaaaaaaaame

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Thank you, Harry. As usual, Ron, f you.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Learn to properly type out a curse and then I will have respect for you.

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: You make me sick.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Ditto.

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Alrighty, youngsters! Gotta teach you how to BLOCK spells hehehehe…Neville? Justin?

**Severus Snape **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Yes, of course. That's a brilliant idea. We'll be sending what's left of Finch-Fletchley up to the hospital wing in a matchbox.

**Neville Longbottom **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: True…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: That doesn't sound too bad, does it? Finch-Fuckface deserves it in my opinon.

**Ronald Weasley**:Hahahaha. No really though, you have to get over that weird hatred for him just because he didn't say hi to you.

**Harry Potter**:His indifference HURT.

**Justin Finch-Fletchley**:Fuck you, Potter. It wasn't indifference, it was FEAR. I have reason to believe you are the heir to Slytherin.

**Harry Potter**:I know, and it's all LIES, you dumb shit.

**Justin Finch-Fletchley**:Why don't I like you again? You're such a pleasant human being…

**Harry Potter**:I'M JUST PROJECTING MY INNER TURMOIL ONTO YOU

**Justin Finch-Fletchley**:Well, project it somewhere else. You do know F.U.C.K. (with dumbass scars) is trying to recruit me, right? And I'm quite ready to accept their offer.

**Harry Potter**:What the fuck is F.U.C.K.?

**Justin Finch-Fletchley**:(with dumbass scars)

**Hedwig the Owl**:FINCH-FUCKFACE! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT REVEALING OUR SECRETS?

**Justin Finch-Fletchley**:Oh, shit. SORRY! Can I still join? He doesn't know anything he's retarded.

**Harry Potter**:That's incredibly offensive.

**Justin Finch-Fletchley**:Well, you are.

**Hedwig the Owl**:That is offensive, but completely true. Yes, alright, the group has discussed it. You can join, but we've delivered an inbox message to you – it's your punishment for almost revealing our dark plans.

**Justin Finch-Fuckface**:Alright, it's done.

**Harry Potter**:HAHAHAHA! Nice name, punk-ass bitch.

**Justin Finch-Fuckface**:Laugh it up. You'll be dead soon enough.

**Harry Potter**:I'm shaking, Justin. I really am.

**Justin Finch-Fuckface**:I can see you plainly rolling your eyes.

**Harry Potter**:Good.

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Malfoy and Potter? You up for a little duel?

**Harry Potter **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Um, I think we already saw how that played out…Malfoy almost laughed himself into a coma and I almost concussed twelve different people with my legs acting of their own accord.

**Severus Snape **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: You little, ARROGANT shit! Just like your self-absorbed, girlfriend-stealing father…

**Harry Potter **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Does nobody else hear these asinine references to Snape's past? He hates me just because he thinks my father stole my mother from him! Fucking psychotic little bitch!

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Severus, I think the boy *did* concuss someone! Mr. Goyle has been staring up at the ceiling for the past twenty minutes!

**Harry Potter **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: And we all continue to ignore Snape's severe signs of lunacy…

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Goyle hasn't moved since we entered this room. He's not concussed, just stupid.

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Oh, okay! Now Harry, when Draco points his wand at you, you do THIS.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **sent **Harry Potter **a completely useless display of wand flicking.

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: I'm currently sending you an inbox message of a spell to tear Harry Potterlimb from limb, kay?

(**Draco Malfoy **likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Er, Professor Lockhart? How do I block a curse again?

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Oh, god, Harry…

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Scared?

**Harry Potter**:You fucking wish.

**Draco Malfoy**:Except that you totally are. Get ready to die ^_^

* * *

**Harry Potter **just pissed my pants. For real. (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Seriously getting concerned about the things you choose to display on your status…

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **sent **Harry Potter **_Serpensortia__._

_

* * *

_

**Creepy Black Snake **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Well, hello there! Fine day we're having, isn't it? Quite strange, I was just sitting down for some tea and all of a sudden I'm being propelled out of a young boy's wand! Terribly strange…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: What the fuck?

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on **Severus Snape**'s wall: The ripping limbs that you promised did not occur!

**Severus Snape**:Ugh, you said the spell wrong, obviously.

**Draco Malfoy**:Um, no I didn't. Look…

**Severus Snape**:That's what I sent you?

**Draco Malfoy**:Yes…

**Severus Snape**:Shit! Typo. I'll get rid of the snake…

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:No, no, allow me!

* * *

**Creepy Black Snake **wrote on **Gilderoy Lockhart**'s wall: Oh, um, sir? Please don't come near me with that wand. That's getting me rather nervous…

**Gilderoy Lockhart**:Ba-BOOM, BITCH!

**Creepy Black Snake**:Noooooooooooooooooo

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Everyone, please watch as Professor Lockhart makes this situation 200 times worse by *angering*the snake with his shitty magical abilities. Do continue, Lockhart. Definitely don't make the snake disappear, but throw it up in the air and smack it around a bit.

**Creepy Black Snake **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Oh, okay. That's how it's gonna be. Well, guess what? IT'S FUCKING ON NOW!

**Justin Finch-Fuckface **wrote on The Dealing Club's wall: EWWWW GET THIS FUCKING SNAKE AWAY FROM ME! GROSS!

* * *

**Creepy Black Snake **wrote on **Justin Finch-Fuckface**'s wall: Guess I found my first meal. OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

**Justin Finch-Fuckface**:Shitting pants….NOW.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Creepy Black Snake**'s wall: ISGJOSDGJSDGNSEGIONSEIGJ

**Creepy Black Snake**: Heh? A fellow snake? Iojsdgoijsdgoijsdgjisdog?

**Harry Potter**:Yayzies! Oisjdgoijsdgijosdgiosdjg

**Creepy Black Snake**:isodjgoisjdgidsoj!

**Harry Potter**:siodjgoisjdgjiodsgs ^_^

**Creepy Black Snake **and **Harry Potter **are now friends.

* * *

**Justin Finch-Fuckface **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: SERIOUSLY? THE F.U.C.K. (WITH DUMBASS SCARS) COULDN'T BE MORE RIGHT! YOU *TRY* TO MAKE PEOPLE HATE YOU!

**Harry Potter**:I don't understand…I looked past my pure, unadultered hatred for you and got a snake to CEASE CHEWING YOUR FACE OFF, yet you STILL despise me?

**Justin Finch-Fuckface**:I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK YOU'RE PLAYING AT!

* * *

**Justin Finch-Fuckface **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I'm in, 100%. If you want me to strangle Potter with my bare hands, I WILL.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s: Woah, slow down partner. But nice enthusiasm. Start working on a plan to get past those fucking bludgers.

**Justin Finch-Fuckface **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s: I'm on it, boss.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s: Excellent.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on The Dueling Club's wall: Hahahaha okay, all! We're leaving! Hahaha please don't kill us…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Huh?

**Ronald Weasley**:Fucking move!

**Harry Potter**:But what did I

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Now you know how it feels to have your phone stolen! MOVE!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Okay, now that our lives aren't in immediate danger…you're a Parselmouth? Why didn't you tell us?

**Harry Potter**:Huh?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Oh my goodness, this would be so much easier if you knew ANYTHING.

**Harry Potter**:Hey, I JUST found out that I'm a wizard!

**Ronald Weasley**:Bullshit! Hermione found out she was a witch the SAME time as you! And you've known about being a wizard for almost two years!

** Harry Potter**:Alright, fine. So I'm a Parliamentary?

**Ronald Weasley**:*headdesk* A Parselmouth. You can talk to snakes!

**Harry Potter**:Oh, I know…what does that have to do with being a Parlamona?

**Ronald Weasley**:A PARSELMOUTH! And what the fuck do you mean YOU KNOW? You ARE aware that talking to snakes is not a natural occurrence, right?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:He's clearly unaware of ANYTHING.

**Harry Potter**:No I mean, I've only done it twice in my life! I accidentally set a boa constrictor on my cousin Dudley at the zoo once…that was before I knew I was a wizard…

**Dudley Dursley**:Yeah, I'm still FUCKING PISSED about that shit! Like, this is why I'll be in therapy for the rest of my life.

**Harry Potter**:Deal with it. Anyway, back to ME, I bet LOADS of people can speak Parladannamana!

**Ronald Weasley**:It. Is. FUCKING. PARSELMOUTH! And NO, not many people can speak it! This is BAD.

**Harry Potter**:Okay, now I'm pissed! That fuckface Justin nearly got himself killed, looking like the brat that he is. No wonder the snake wanted to eat him and erase him from existence. But because of me, as usual, the day was saved!

**Justin Finch-Fuckface**:You are INSUFFERABLE.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Don't even try, Justin. It's not worth it. He's a complete douche.

**Harry Potter**:GTFO!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Harry, back to more important matters…

**Harry Potter**:I told the snake to leave Justin alone! Wtf is wrong with everyone?

**Ronald Weasley**:Oooohhhh…seriously?

**Harry Potter**:Yes, you were there, weren't you?

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, you were speaking Parseltongue.

**Harry Potter**:Parsel-whata?

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, come on, don't give me that shit. Listen, you were speaking ANOTHER LANGUAGE. Nobody knew WHAT you were saying!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Not to mention the fact that you have publicly berated Justin on Facebook…I mean, you branded him 'Justin Finch-Fuckface.' So it's completely believable that you would be egging the snake on…

**Harry Potter**:Wait, back up…I spoke a different LANGUAGE?

**Ronald Weasley**:Holy shit…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Harry, you know it's bad when you can't keep up with Ron's brain activity…

**Ronald Weasley**:Absolutely.

**Harry Potter**:How can I speak a language without knowing I speak it?

**Ronald Weasley**:Beats me! I don't speak Parseltongue!

**Harry Potter**:Well, apparently it's quite easy: iojadsgoisjdgiojsdg

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, that just looks like a bunch of letters to me.

**Harry Potter**:Try it!

**Ronald Weasley**:Fine. Sidjgoisjfidjfhiodfjhodjfihdf

**Harry Potter**:What?

**Ronald Weasley**:I said: oisdjgoisdjgoisdjg!

**Harry Potter**:I…have no idea what that means.

**Ronald Weasley**:Really? No, look again: sdgoisdjgoisdjgsd

**Hermione Jean Granger**:ENOUGH! Ron, focus. You do not know how to speak Parseltongue. Harry has brought you down to his level of stupidity in this matter.

**Ronald Weasley**:Wow, he really had me there.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Yes, well, you're back. Now listen, this is VERY BAD because being able to talk to snakes was what Salazar Slytherin was famous for! That's why the symbol of Slytherin House is a serpent!

**Harry Potter**:*jaw drops*

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah. And now the whole school's gonna think you're his great-great-great-great-great-great…great grandson!

**Harry Potter**:But I'm not!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:That's a bit hard to prove! For all we know, you could be!

**Harry Potter**:Well, I've never been so insulted in my life!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wonders…could he be a descendant of Salazar Slytherin? Did he unleash the beast from the Chamber without even knowing it? IS HE THE BEAST? (sent from mobile)

**Hedwig the Owl**:I fucking KNEW it.

**Harry Potter**:Hedwig, gtfo. I obviously didn't. These are just my musings.

**Hedwig the Owl**:MEEP.

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Okay, listen up bitches. We REALLY have to get this little shit. Any ideas yet, Fuckface?

**Justin Finch-Fuckface **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Okay, first of all, I really hope that's not my new nickname…and I'd appreciate if I could change my name back…my mum has been stalking my Facebook and she's quite concerned…

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Yes and no. Yes, that's your new nickname. No, you can't change it. Next question.

**Justin Finch-Fuckface **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Le sigh. Well, I did come up with a plan…what if you seduce Rogue Bludger? Then the rest of his bludger bodyguard friends will follow in _not _protecting Potter and he'll be open to us!

**Severus Snape **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Wow, very impressive.

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I hate when other students get the approval of Snape…

**Severus Snape **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Quit whining, Malfuck.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Yeah, another word out of you and you'll be changing YOUR Facebook name.

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Fuck this group…

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: o_O

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: My lips are sealed…I hate that goddamn stink eye…nothing worse than an owl giving you a stink eye…

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: As for your plan, Fuckface, I wonder how my beloved will feel about this little arrangement…

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: If it's for the good of the group, I'm all for it. It will hurt, but I know you're only acting, my sweet.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I appreciate your generosity, Willow. You are truly a magnificent person.

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Except that he isn't a person at all…

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: That's strike FUCKING TWO, Draco. And we're not even going to make you change your name, we're just going to kick you out, capeche?

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Don't I get any recognition for my heroism during the duel today?

**Severus Snape **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Hahaha, please.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Actually, Severus, you fucked up that one. A typo? Really? Bullshit. You're protecting the boy.

**Severus Snape **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I'm doing NO SUCH THING! I am only loyal to you, master. ONLY YOU.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: But you will admit it's rather suspicious that you were meant to provide Draco with a suitable spell for severing Potter's limbs, and yet it only produced a lame-ass snake that POTTER CAN CONTROL?

**Severus Snape **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I had no IDEA the boy could speak Parseltongue, my lord! No idea!

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I'm not calling bullshit just yet, but I have my eye on you o_O

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Heh heh heh

**Severus Snape **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DRACOCKFACE.

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Um…when did we start calling Hedwig "my lord"?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Oh, I'm sorry, Dudley! Didn't even know you were on at this hour! I was also unaware that you wanted to die!

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I don't, my lord -_-

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: That's better.

* * *

**Harry Potter **it's a new day! I shall clear my name – no matter WHAT! Gotta find that Fuckface douchebag named Justin… (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Pomona Sprout **Class cancelled, children! Gotta try to fit a bunch of teeny tiny little scarves and socks on the Mandrakes…what fun…(sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Meeehhh! How am I supposed to talk to Justin now?

**Ronald Weasley**:That is literally SOunimportant. We don't have to go to Herbology! We're trying to play chess, Harry.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Yes, and while I would've loved to go to class, Harry, you're being dramatic, as usual. If it means so much to you, go and _find _Justin.

**Harry Potter**:Oh…good idea…perhaps I'll check the library.

**Ronald Weasley**:Uh huh…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:A-ha! I got one of your pawns ^_^

**Ronald Weasley**:Pawns are lame, Hermione. You suck.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:It's really amazing to me that you're good at chess. I mean, don't get me wrong, you're mildly intelligent – most of the time more so than Harry. But it's really just…common sense with you! Chess takes a lot of brain-power that I'm utterly convinced you do not have.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yes, well, I had to be good at something. It was important in the end.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:The end of what?

**Ronald Weasley**:The book.

(**J.K. Rowling **likes this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**:What?

**Ronald Weasley**:I mean, last year. What? I'm so confused.

* * *

**Harry Potter **searchin' for a Hufflepuff…searchin' for a Hufflepuff… (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on **Hannah Abbott**'s wall: So yeah, I was all like, 'hide in our dormitory, Justin!' We all know Potter's marked him down as his next victim, so like, he better keep a low profile, right?

**Hannah Abbott**:Yeah, of course.

**Random Stout Hufflepuff**:He told Potter he was a Muggleborn! Can you believe that shit? That's not exactly the sort of thing you shout from the rooftops with Slytherin's heir on the loose.

**Hannah Abbott**:Well, are you DEFINITELYsure that it's Potter?

**Ernie Macmillan**:Oh, no doubt. He's a Parselmouth! Everyone knows that's the mark of a Dark wizard. Have you ever heard of a decent one who could talk to snakes?

**Hannah Abbott**:I suppose not…

**Ernie Macmillan**:Remember what was written on the wall? Enemies of the Heir, Beware! Potter had some sort of run-in with Filch. Next thing we know, Filch's cat is attacked! That first year, Creevy, was annoying Potter at the Quidditch match! Next thing we know, Creevey's been attacked!

**Hannah Abbott**:Yes, but it's not like these are random people who happen to bother Potter. Potter has a problem with EVERYONE_. _So unless the whole school ends up dead, I'm unconvinced that it's definitely him. Why? Just because he's sensitive and ends up hating most people? I mean, he seems nice enough!

**Ernie Macmillan**:You've just described a boy who is anything BUTnice.

**Hannah Abbott**:But he made You-Know-Who disappear!

**Ernie Macmillan**:No one knows how he survived that attack by You-Know-Who! I mean to say, he was only a baby! He should have been blasted into smithereens. Only a really powerful Dark wizard could have survived a curse like that. _That's _probably why You-Know-Who wanted to kill him in the first place…didn't want another Dark Lord _competing_ with him.

**Harry Potter**:AHEM!

**Ernie Macmillan**:O_O

**Harry Potter**:Yep, I thought it was time to awkwardly announce my presence and make everyone tremble/feel like little shits.

**Ernie Macmillan**:Well, you've succeeded!

**Harry Potter**:Where's Justin Finch-Fuckface at?

**Random Stout Hufflepuff**:You're disgusting. What do you WANT with him?

**Harry Potter**:I wanted to tell him what really happened with that snake at the Dueling Club.

**Ernie Macmillan**:For your information, we were all there. And we all SAW what happened.

**Harry Potter**:Oh, fantastic! Then you noticed that after I spoke to it, the snake backed off?

**Ernie Macmillan**: Um, all I saw was you speaking Parseltongue and chasing the snake toward Justin. So…yeah.

**Harry Potter**:I DIDN'T CHASE IT AT HIM! I DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH HIM!

**Ernie Macmillan**:Alright, I don't want any trouble! You can trace my family back through nine generations of witches and warlocks and my blood's as pure as anyone's!

**Harry Potter**:Oh my god, I don't give a flying FUCK what type of blood you've got! Why would I want to attack Muggle-borns?

**Ernie Macmillan**:I've heard you hate those Muggles you live with!

**Harry Potter**:UM BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING MISERABLE! Unless YOU'D be quite happy living in a CUPBOARD under the STAIRS? Could you even manage that, fatass?

**Dudley Durlsey**:Un-fucking-believable. And the fat jokes come out!

**Harry Potter**:Dudley, shut the fuck up! You thought it was hilarious that I starved for years under those stairs!

**Dudley Durlsey**:Hey, Ernie Macmillan? If you ever want to feel like you're not alone, join up: F.U.C.K. (with dumbass scars). I'll send you an invitation via Facebook. Your buddy Justin is already with us.

**Ernie Macmillan**:Gee, thanks, man!

**Dudley Dursley**:My pleasure.

**Dudley Dursley **and **Ernie Macmillan **are now friends.

* * *

**Harry Potter **IS SO RAGING MAD! I'M GOING TO CONTINUE DOWN THE HALLWAY FLAILING MY ARMS AND NOT LOOKING WHERE I AM RUNNING! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Oof! Harry, look where you're going. You nearly took me down.

**Harry Potter**:Srsly? I'm the one laying on the ground after being propelled off your large frame.

**Dudley Dursley**:Sending you an invitation to our anti-Harry group, Hagrid.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I'll review it. Thanks, Dudley.

**Harry Potter**:HAGRID!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I like to keep my options open! You did call me fat, after all. Anyway, are you okay? Why aren't yeh in class?

**Harry Potter**:Cancelled. What are you doing in here?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:This.

**Harry Potter**:A dead rooster? Why are you dragging dead animals through the halls, Hagrid?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I found it. It's either foxes or a Blood-Suckin' Bugbear…second one killed this term! I need the Headmaster's permission ter put a charm around the hen coop. Ya sure you're okay, Harry?

**Harry Potter**:Aside from the fact that you're accepting invitations into a group pent on causing my demise, it's nothing. I'd better get going, Hagrid…I have Transfiguaration next.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Yeah, alright…wait, what's up with the bludgers following you, Harry?

**Harry Potter**:It's nothing. They just make sure I'm safe, you know?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Oh…

* * *

**Harry Potter **roamin' through the halls…roamin' through the halls…oh! What the fuck was that I just tripped over? OH SHIT. (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Wtf with these cryptic messages, Harry?

**Harry Potter**:Ron, I just tripped over Justin Finch-Fuckface's cold, rigid, almost dead body. Like…my fucking luck, right?

**Ronald Weasley**:Um, I wouldn't advertise that, Harry...

**Harry Potter**:I literally just got through telling his bitch-ass friends that I'm NOT the heir of Slytherin and look at what I'm caught doing…standing over his dying body. Fuck my life.

**Ronald Weasley**:Harry, listen to me carefully. Leave him for someone else to find! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT CORRIDOR.

**Harry Potter**:No, but…that's the wrong thingto do.

**Ronald Weasley**:Fuck the right thing to do, Harry! You are so stupid sometimes! He's in the middle of a corridor, petrified - by your description! Someone will find him almost immediately and he'll be fine. But if you stick around looking suspicious, obviously EVEYRONE is going to think you've attacked him!

**Harry Potter**:Ron, everyone will see in my face that I'm telling the truth - that I only stumbled upon him and that I am trying to get help!

**Ronald Weasley**:No, Harry. Literally NO SANE PERSON is going to believe that but Hermione and me.

**Harry Potter**:Are you sure?

**Ronald Weasley**:GET OUT OF THE CORRIDOR!

* * *

**Peeves the Poltergeist **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Well heeelllooo there! Whats Pottyhead up to? Wait…WHAT THE FUCK? ATTACK! ATTACK! NO MORTAL OR GHOST IS SAFE FROM THE DEVILS' SPAWN THAT IS HARRY POTTER!

**Harry Potter**:Noooooooooooo

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh my god, I don't even feel bad for you, Harry. You are UNBELIEVABLE.

**Ernie Macmillan**:CAUGHT IN THE ACT!

* * *

**Ernie Macmillan **sent **Harry Potter **an accusatory and dramatic finger pointed in his general direction.

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ernie Macmillan**'s wall: Seriously? STFU!

* * *

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Hey guys! Potter's being a dumb shit and Petrified my best friend, so I'm officially joining!

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Well, thank GOODNESS. This comes at a perfect time as we've just lost Fuckface.

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: The big problem is that it's SO difficult to get past those damn bludgers.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Yes, we know. We've been devising a plan for me to seduce their leader, Rogue Bludger. Unfortunatley, it's not going to be easy…we had a bit of a rough relationship.

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Um…what? I knew it was going to be weird working for an owl but…you dated an inanimate object?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Wow, applause for the BIG MAN on campus! He's a real thinker, isn't he!

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Um, are you…making fun of my weight?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Of course not, FATASS.

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Dudley introduced me to this group right off the heels of HARRY making fun of my stout-ness. I don't need an owl doing it as well.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I don't appreciate you referring to me as 'an owl.' It's as if I'm a lower lifeform to you. I don't go around calling you 'that human,' do I?

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Um, you just called me a fatass…

**Severus Snape **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: SILENCE!

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Professor Snape? You're in this group?

**Severus Snape **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: A LOT of people are in this group. Surprised?

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I guess not…Harry is a very hated individual.

**The Whomping Willow** wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Hello, Ernie.

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Whomping Willow?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: HOW DO YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: It…he…she? Is on the Hogwarts grounds. I've obviously never spoken to…it…before. I didn't know…that was possible.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Why did you sound so defensive there, Hedwig?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I wasn't! I just…the way he said that…it sounded as if you had prior relations…

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Um, with a TREE? I'm a twelve-year-old BOY.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Are you too good for me?

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: No! I didn't mean it that way…it's just…really, really fucked up.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Yeah, it is, so just stay away.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: It's fucked up for me to love a boy?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Oh, so you're in love with Ernie?

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Of course not! But I'd like to reserve the right to love whomever I wish without you attacking me!

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: You will love ME because we're in a RELATIONSHIP.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I'm feeling very suffocated right now. Leave me alone.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: WILLOW! STOP THIS NONSENSE! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Um…

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Yeah. This is what I'm dealing with. Listen, I know that I hate you and everything, but it would be useful if we stuck together…you know, to keep on the path of murdering Potter while remaining sane among tree and owl love affairs.

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Wait, why do you hate me?

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Oh, because you're a Hufflepuff and I'm a Slytherin.

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Oh…okay. Friends!

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: ^_^ NOBODY CAN EVER KNOW ABOUT THIS.

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Of course not!

* * *

**Peeves the Poltergeist **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Oh, Potter, you rotter, oh, what have you done? You're killing off students, you think it's good fun!

** Minerva McGonagall**:PEEVES!

**Peeves the Poltergeist**:Sowwwweee

**Minerva McGonagall**:No, I just wanted to mention, it's not only students…Nearly Headless Nick is Petrified as well.

**Peeves the Poltergeist**:Ah, yes.

**Harry Potter**:Professor!

**Minerva McGonagall**:Honestly, Potter, I don't actually believe you did this…but you should really be punished for hanging around the wrong place at the wrong time CONSTANTLY. Like, even more often than Granger and Weasley!

**Harry Potter**: But that's just it – it's the wrong place at the wrong time! I have bad luck!

**Minerva McGonagall**: You make things so very difficult, Potter. This is out of my hands now.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**'s wall: Let me in. Have I got a shit load for you to deal with…

* * *

Chapter Twelve

**Minerva McGonagall** is rapping on Dumbledore's door…yo. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Professor? I highly respect you as a teacher of the art of Transfiguration…but please. Don't ever do that again. Ever.

**Minerva McGonagall**: Stfu, get inside, and wait for Dumbledore, bitch.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is in the big man's office – it's definitely the coolest! (sent from mobile)

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** likes this.)

**Minerva McGonagall:** DISLIKE!

**Severus Snape:** You little shit.

**Filius Flitwick:** Well, I never!

**Harry Potter:** Flitwick – I've never even BEEN to your office!

**Filius Flitwick:** The nerve! To make such grandiose statements when you haven't even visited all the offices of each professor in Hogwarts!

**Harry Potter:** -_-

* * *

**Harry Potter** sees **The Sorting Hat** sitting up on a shelf – I think I'm gonna have a little chat with it! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**The Sorting Hat** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Bee in your bonnet, Potter?

**Harry Potter:** No…I'm not even wearing a bonnet…what…?

**The Sorting Hat:** It was just an expression, you dipshit. I meant if there was something wrong with you besides your usual bitching and shit. Geez, just reading your mind is pissing me off.

**Harry Potter: **Oh, yeah, I wanted to know if you put me in the right House because you may be wrong.

**The Sorting Hat:** Uh, you serious? This is my fucking JOB in life, you bitch ass shitfucker! Sure, you were kinda hard to place, not gonna lie, but I stand by what I said last year.

**Harry Potter:** That I'm meant for Gryffindor!

**The Sorting Hat:** You WOULD have done well in Slytherin. XD

**Harry Potter:** Fuck you. Eat shit. Go die, etc.

**Harry Potter:** FINE. Just IGNORE me, you piece of fabric. I hope you fray!

* * *

**Fawkes the Phoenix** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: *strangely disgusting gagging noise*

**Harry Potter:** WTF I'M NOT ALONE?

**Fawkes the Phoenix:** Clearly not. Can't you see me in the corner, my feathers falling off my frail body? I'll be dead in, like, any second now.

**Harry Potter:** Oh my wizard god, PLEASE don't die right now because Dumbledore will think that I killed you and my reputation can't really handle any more suspicious –

**Fawkes the Phoenix:** Too late – bursting into flames now! Ciao!

* * *

**Fawkes the Phoenix** is no longer online.

* * *

**Harry Potter** FUCK! DUMBLEDORE'S PET BIRD IS A PILE OF ASHES! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**'s wall: HOLY SHIT! YOUR BIRD CAUGHT *FIRE*! I COULDN'T STOP IT!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** About damn time – fucking bird wouldn't take a hint. I kept telling him that he looked like shit, but NOOO he wanted to try being a zombie since they're so fucking popular nowadays. It seems he's gotten rather tired of it.

**Harry Potter:** O_O

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** Fawkes is a phoenix, Harry.

**Harry Potter:** Yeah, I know. I had a brief conversation with him before he spontaneously combusted into flames.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** Yes, well, you clearly don't know what one is or you wouldn't have been screaming like a moron about his fireball act. He's gonna be reborn soon – just watch.

* * *

**Fawkes the Phoenix** is online.

* * *

**Fawkes the Phoenix** is back, motherfuckers!

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** and **Harry Potter** like this.)

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Pity you had to see him a Burning Day. He's rather foxy when he's all grown up. Also, they're really strong and their tears have healing powers, which is a completely random fact that's important to know, IMO.

**Harry Potter:** I'm rather concerned that you labeled a bird as attractive…

**Hedwig the Owl:** This shit STILL surprises you? Fuck, Potter, you really are un-FUCKING-believable.

**Harry Potter:** OKAY, IT'S OFFICIAL: YOU'RE STALKING MY WALL. You creeper!

**Hedwig the Owl:** Of course I am – I'm going to fucking KILL you one day and I have to know every little thing that you do so when the moment is right, I can sneak behind you and slit your throat with my talons and eat your heart out with a spork. And then your mangled body will be thrown off a cliff. And I will meep with joy when your barely recognizable corpse is under my perfectly feathered ass.

**Harry Potter:** This has to stop. Now.

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl** wrote on **Fawkes the Phoenix**'s wall: Hey, so, I heard you're going to be pretty hot soon and, you know, I'm pretty awesome looking myself. So, I was wondering if you would like to get some action with this awesome bitch, Y/Y?

**Harry Potter:** Robbing from the cradle now, Hedwig?

**Hedwig the Owl:** Go choke on your own spit, ya fucking nosy bastard.

**Fawkes the Phoenix:** I'm going to have to pass on that. I'm, like, two minutes old. I'm too old for that shit.

**Harry Potter:** OH SHIT! Was Hedwig just SHOT DOWN? I think so!

**Hedwig the Owl:** o_O That's called a stink-eye, Potter.

**The Whomping Willow: **CHECK YOUR INBOX, HEDWIG.

**Harry Potter:** OOOOOOOOOOH.

**Fawkes the Phoenix:** Everyone get the hell off my wall!

**Harry Potter** and **Fawkes the Phoenix **are now friends.

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** is fixing **Harry Potter** with his patented penetrating, light-blue stare. Heh.

**Harry Potter:** Yeah…it's making me uncomfortable.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** BAAANNNNGGGG HAGRID ENTERING DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter:** You look an absolute fright with that dead rooster in your hand!

**Rubeus Hagrid:** Hey, don't insult me! I'm about to jump to your defense!

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**'s wall: Harry is totally innocent! I was literally JUST talking to him before he was found – he wouldn't have had the time!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** Er…Hagrid…

**Rubeus Hagrid: **RAR, RAR, RANT, BLAH BLAH CAN'T HAVE BEEN HIM BLEGH, I'LL SWEAR IN FRONT OF THE MINISTRY!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** Really, Hagrid, I –

**Rubeus Hagrid:** YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG KID! I KNOW HARRY WOULD NEVER

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** Sorry, Hagrid, I had to steal your phone. You were getting to be absurd. Now, I also don't think Harry attacked those people.

**Rubeus Hagrid:** Oh. Right. Awkward…I got rooster feathers everywhere. Okay…I'm just gonna wait outside then.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** You go do that.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**'s wall: You don't think it was me? \o/

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** No, I don't. Frankly, you're too stupid to do something like this.

**Harry Potter:** THANK YOU! Okay, well, now that's cleared up…

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** I still want to talk to you.

**Harry Potter:** le sigh. K. What's the dealio?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** I gotta ask you if there's anything, anything at ALL you want to tell ol' Dumblepops. I mean it – ANYTHING.

**Harry Potter:** I probably should tell you something…but I think I'm going to pass on that.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** Ugh, déjà vu.

**Harry Potter:** What?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** Nothing – scram. And don't run into any more attacks, will ya?

**Harry Potter:** I'll do my best.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Seriously, mate, at this rate, it's going to be JUST us for xmas.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Don't forget me.

**Ronald** **Weasley:** Ugh, gave me the chills, Creeper Granger.

**Harry Potter:** Hermione, you really have to tone that down. You'll lose your only friends if you keep it up.

(**Ronald Weasley** likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley:** I don't know what's worse – the fact that we're not going to have a break from Hermione or the fact that we're going to be stuck with Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. Jolly holiday, my ass.

**Harry Potter:** Whatever, frankly, this is a blessing. I'm so fucking tired of everyone walking on eggshells with me, as if one false step and I'll sick my fangs into their necks or spit poison in their faces.

(**Fred Weasley** and **George Weasley** like this.)

* * *

**Fred Weasley** MAKE WAY FOR THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN – **Harry Potter** is a seriously evil wizard, y'all! (sent from mobile)

(**Fred Weasley** and **George Weasley** like this.)

**George Weasley**: LOL

**Percy Weasley:** It is *not* a laughing matter.

**Fred Weasley:** Kindly –

**George Weasley:** fuck off. Harry's –

**Fred Weasley:** – in a hurry. He's off –

**George Weasley: **– to the Chamber for a cup of tea –

**Fred Weasley:** – with his fanged servant.

**Percy Weasley:** YOU TWO ARE RIDICULOUS.

**Fred Weasley:** Hey, Harry, who do you plan on attacking next?

**Ginny Weasley:** T_T SHUT UP!

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **George Weasley**'s wall: A CLOVE OF GARLIC, REALLY?

(**Fred Weasley** likes this.)

**George Weasley:** ^_^

* * *

**Harry Potter** gotta appreciate **Fred Weasley** and **George Weasley** for making a joke out of this horrible situation – it really is ludicrous, isn't it? LOL.

(**Fred Weasley**, **George Weasley**, and **Ronald Weasley** like this.)

**Draco Malfoy:** grumblegrumblegrumble.

**Harry Potter: **?

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Malfuck's always in a pissy mood whenever your brothers go on a rampage about my "dangerous extracurricular activities" – what's that about?

**Ronald Weasley:** It's def because he's just *bursting* to take the credit for all his dirty work – he hates that you're getting all the glory.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Not for long! The Polyjuice Potion is nearly complete. We're going to get the truth any day now :P

(**Harry Potter** and **Ronald Weasley** like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** End of term and Christmas break has begun! Ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it!

(**Harry Potter**, **Ronald Weasley**, **Fred Weasley**, **George Weasley**, and **Ginny Weasley** like this.)

**Fred Weasley:** Exploding Snap in the Tower! Let's be as loud as we want!

**Percy Weasley:** Hmph. I'm only staying here because it's my duty to support the teachers during this troubled time.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: WAKE UP!

**Ronald Weasley:** What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be in here…

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Happy Christmas to you too, Ronald. I've been up since the crack of dawn, adding more lacewings to the point. IT'S READY.

**Harry Potter: **NOW I'M UP. ARE YOU SURE?

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Yep! Let's do this tonight, I say.

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl** sent **Harry Potter** a package from the Dursleys.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hedwig the Owl**'s wall: So, you're doing your job like you're supposed to, Heddy?

**Hedwig the Owl:** I will always help the Dursleys because they like seeing you miserable.

**Harry Potter:** Don't you remember their locking your cage and their forbiddance on letting you out to fly?

**Hedwig the Owl:** That was ENTIRELY you're fault, you shit-eating prick – you could've FOUND a way around that.

**Harry Potter:** I'm twelve-years-old and am a twig and Vernon is about 500 pounds – there's no way I could've "found a way around that." You're just ridiculous. Get a fucking life. That's my Christmas gift for you.

**Hedwig the Owl:** MEEP! Your death will be grotesquely painful and I will bask in the glory of it for all eternity – JUST YOU WAIT, POTTER.

**Harry Potter:** Love ya, too, Hed! :-*

**Hedwig the Owl: **O_O I will bite off your finger and vomit all over it and force-feed it to you.

**Harry Potter: **Ughhhh that's DISGUSTING. I'm ending this conversation right now.

**Hedwig the Owl:** ^_^

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: Thanks a lot for the toothpick, you walrus. And to answer your note, I'm afraid I can't stay at Hogwarts for summer vacation. Tough shit, you're stuck with me.

**Vernon Dursley:** Fuck you to hell.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Thanks a bunch for the treacle fudge! I haven't tried it yet because I'm heating them by the fire as I type this.

**Rubeus Hagrid:** Why are you doing that?

**Harry Potter:** Because I don't want to crack my teeth, thank you.

**Rubeus Hagrid:** -_-

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Thanks for the Quidditch book…even though it's about YOUR favorite team. I expect you to be reading it first, then?

**Ronald Weasley:** You got it!

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Thanks for the quill – it's really nice…I guess…

**Hermione Jean Granger:** You're welcome! =)

* * *

**Molly Weasley** sent **Harry Potter** a new hand-knitted sweater and a large plum cake with a guilt-inducing card.

* * *

**Harry Potter** Christmas dinner at Hogwarts is the BEST.

(**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry** likes this.)

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry:** I'm soooo glad you think so! Always trying to be the best! LAWLZ.

**Harry Potter:** Right…

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** caroling is fun, y/y?

(**Filius Flitwick** likes this.)

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** added "consuming copious amounts of eggnog while caroling" to their interests.

* * *

**Percy Weasley** wrote on **Fred Weasley**'s wall: Why the hell are you guys sniggering at me?

(**Fred Weasley** and **George Weasley** like this.)

* * *

**George Weasley** wrote on **Fred Weasley**'s wall: How long do you think it'll take for him to realize that you bewitched his prefect badge to read "Pinhead"?

**Fred Weasley:** Until tomorrow, for sure ~_^

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** Thank wizarding GOD I didn't get an abomination of a sweater like **Harry Potter** LOL.

(**Crabbe** and **Goyle** like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** thinks **Draco Malfoy** will be getting his comeuppance in a few hours' time.

**Ronald Weasley:** Harry, what the fuck did you just say.

**Harry Potter:** Totez not me – I went on a thesaurus website and found a synonym for "what's coming to him." It kind of reads like applesauce, doesn't it?

**Ronald Weasley:** Yeah, it does! Haha, that's pretty awesome. Speaking of, do we have some at the table?

**Harry Potter:** I don't think so. We never do, actually.

**Ronald Weasley:** CURSES.

**Harry Potter:** ikr?

* * *

**Harry Potter** created the group Fight for our right to eat applesauce in the Great Hall!

**Ronald Weasley**, **Albus Percival Wulfric** **Brian Dumbledore** and **30 others** joined the group Fight for our right to eat applesauce in the Great Hall!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: We still need a bit of the people you're changing into. Obvi, it's best to get some of Crabbe and Goyle because they're Malfoy's biffles. We also have to make sure the real Crabbe and Goyle don't bust in on us. But don't worry, I've got it all worked out.

**Harry Potter:** Why didn't you just say the last part – you could've saved a lot of time. I don't care what HAS to be done – I just want it done so I can go back to living my life without a bunch of first years running and screaming away from me when I walk down the corridor.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** And you think *I* ramble? Anyway, I've filled these delicious-looking chocolate cakes with a simple Sleeping Draught. All you two imbeciles have to do is make sure Crabbe and Goyle find them, which shouldn't be too difficult since they're such greedy bastards and all. Once you get their hairs, stuff them in a broom closet, k?

* * *

**Harry Potter** sent **Ronald Weasley** an incredulous look.

**Ronald Weasley** sent **Harry Potter** an incredulous look.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Hermione, I really don't think –

**Ronald Weasley:** That could go seriously wrong!

**Harry Potter:** That was totally not what I was going to say – I think you should leave the finishing sentences to Fred and George.

(**Fred Weasley** and **George Weasley** like this.)

**Ronald Weasley:** I wasn't trying to finish your sentence! I was starting my own and you stupidly pressed the "post" button on your phone. It's no one's fault but your own.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** STFU I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. And the potion will be useless without their hairs – you do want to investigate Malfoy, right? It's your only chance for the next four years.

**Harry Potter:** Meh, fine. What about you? Whose hair are you going to be ripping out?

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Unlike you slackers, I already got mine – remember how that monster Millicent Bulstrode was manhandling me at the Dueling Club? She left this on my robes as she was trying to strangle me. And she's gone home for Christmas – I could just lie and say that I decided to come back. Totally fool proof. I'm off to check on the potion – see you guys later!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** sent **Harry Potter** a doom-laden expression.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Have you ever heard of a plan where so many things could go wrong?

**Harry Potter:** Honestly, I'm hoping that the less involved I actually am in this, the less possibility there will be of my getting directly affected.

**Ronald Weasley:** Good call. Except, you know, we're going to be ingesting an extremely complicated potion that was brewed by a relatively inexperienced twelve-year-old girl without the aid of any qualified adult. I don't care if Granger does have the brain of a mutant; this is still way beyond the abilities of children.

**Harry Potter:** Amen, sister friend.

* * *

**Harry Potter** Wow! I can't believe stage one of the operation went so smoothly! (sent from mobile)

(**Hermione Jean Granger** and **Ronald Weasley** like this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Told you!

**Ronald Weasley:** Srsly, how thick can you get? Eating random cakes left on the banister…

* * *

**Crabbe** is idle.

**Goyle** is idle.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is now stuffing the two biggest oafs in the school into a broom closet – maybe when they wake up they can discover their love for each other LOL (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley** likes this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Make sure to grab their phones!

**Harry Potter:** Thanks for the reminder!

**Dudley Dursley:** Maybe someone should do that to you and Poorsley LOL.

**Harry Potter:** ENOUGH – we're not gay! Sheesh…

**Ronald Weasley:** POORSLEY? GTFO! How is that nickname getting around?

**Harry Potter:** Sorry, Ron, Dudley Dipshit and Malfuck are friends. They had Christmas dinner together last year. I don't want to talk about it.

**Dudley Dursley:** We were going to have it again this year, but Draco decided to spend it at your stupid school. Meh. But we're already making plans next year!

(**Draco Malfoy** likes this.)

**Harry Potter:** Awesome, just awesome. Come on, Ron, let's go to the girls' bathroom to do our thing.

**Ronald Weasley:** Right-o, mate :)

**Dudley Dursley:** You guys are hopeless. And gay.

(**Draco Malfoy** likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Er…Hermione? Are you in this smoke-infested bathroom? It's burning our eye sockets.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Did you get them?

**Harry Potter:** Of course we did – I thought you stalked our Facebooks…

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Duh, but I'm working on this potion and I'm unusually busy at the moment. P.S. I snuck out these robes for you since you're gonna be obese for the next hour.

**Ronald Weasley:** This potion looks disgusting.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** I'm sure I've done everything right…

**Ronald Weasley:** NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE UNSURE OF YOURSELF.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** It looks exactly like the book says it should…once we've had some, we'll have exactly an hour before we change back.

**Ronald Weasley:** Now what do we do?

**Hermione Jean Granger: **We separate it into three glasses and add the hairs! Honestly, am I the only one thinking? Rhetorical question here.

**Harry Potter:** The less I'm involved, the less shit I'm going to catch for it…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Yuckkkyyyyyy, essence of Millicent Bulstrode…bet it tastes icky.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Add yours, then! D=

**Harry Potter:** Going to vomit. This is gross. =(

**Ronald Weasley:** Bleeerrrghghhhh.

**Harry Potter:** Wait, guys, before we shoot these bad boys down, we should probably go into separate stalls. We're going to rip our clothes once we gain three hundred pounds in five seconds.

**Ronald Weasley:** Ugh, good thinking.

**Harry Potter:** Ready guys?

**Ronald Weasley:** Ready!

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Ready!

**Harry Potter: **…and…SHOTS!

* * *

**Harry Potter** ughhhh worst shot EVER – tastes like overcooked cabbage. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** ooooohhhhoooooo feeelin' it…soooo weird. (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley** and **Hermione Jean Granger** like this.)

* * *

**Goyle** is online.

**Crabbe** is online.

* * *

**Gregory H. Goyle** wrote on **Vincent R. Crabbe**'s wall: How are you doing, mate?

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** The shot's kicking in – I should be fine in nooooo time.

**Gregory H. Goyle:** Holy shitballs, this is fucked up! Look at us! Is alcohol supposed to make everything trippy?

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** Un-fucking-believable. This is insaneeeeeee.

**Gregory H. Goyle:** Come on, let's start heading out – idk where the Slytherin common room is…uh…Ron? Are you okay? Stop staring…

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** It's just so friggin' WEIRD – you're thinking for REALZ.

**Gregory H. Goyle:** LOL.

* * *

**Vincent R. Crabbe** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Come on, Hermione! Let's gooooo.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** I don't think I'm going after all…AND THERE'S NO ALCOHOL IN POLYJUICE POTION KNOCK IT OFF!

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** Look, we know Bulstrode is an ugly piece of shit – no one will know it's you besides us…

**Hermione Jean Granger:** No! I'm not coming – you guys get a move on – you're wasting time!

**Gregory H. Goyle:** Hermiiiooonneee, are you okay?

**Hermione Jean Granger:** I'm FINE. Now piss off – AND STOP ACTING DRUNK BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT.

* * *

**Gregory H. Goyle **wrote on **Vincent R. Crabbe**'s wall: Stop swinging your arms, man, not like Crabbe.

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** Oh shizz…is this good?

**Gregory H. Goyle:** Yeah, nice and stiff. Sooooo…any ideas how to get to the Slythie CR?

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** They always come up to breakfast from over there…

* * *

**Vincent R. Crabbe** wrote on **Girl with long, curly hair**'s wall: Excuse me, we've forgotten the way to our common room…awkward…

**Girl with long, curly hair:** I beg your pardon? *Our* common room? *I'm* in Ravenclaw.

**Gregory H. Goyle:** Yeah…that was pretty stupid…

** Vincent R. Crabbe:** ik, but I needed try something.

* * *

**Gregory H. Goyle** this isn't gonna be as easy as we'd hoped… (sent from mobile)

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** ik, dude, ik.

* * *

**Vincent R. Crabbe** wrote on **Gregory H. Goyle**'s wall: I HEAR SOMEONE!

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** Oh, mofo, it's Percy.

* * *

**Vincent R. Crabbe** wrote on **Percy Weasley**'s wall: What the fuck are youuuu doin down here?

**Percy Weasley:** That, you ignorant oaf, is none of your business. You're Crabbe, right?

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** Huh? Oh, yeah, hehe.

**Percy Weasley:** Well, git. Go to your dormitories. It is not safe to go wandering around dark corridors these days.

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** YOU are.

**Percy Weasley:** *I* am a prefect. Nothing's about to attack *me*.

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** I seriously hope that you're the next person to be attacked. If not, I hope this statement will kick you in the ass one day.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Gregory H. Goyle**'s wall: THERE you are! Have you two been eating your brains out this entire time? I've been looking for you – I want to show you something lawlzy. And why did you change your name? I wasn't sure if it was REALLY you…

**Gregory H. Goyle:** Errr…yeah…I found out my first name recently…

**Draco Malfoy:** Huh…what does the H stand for?

**Gregory H. Goyle: **FUCK…uh…I mean…idk?

**Draco Malfoy:** Oh, k.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Percy Weasley**'s wall: And wtf are YOU doing down here, Weasley?

**Percy Weasley:** You should show a bit more respect for your superiors! I don't like your attitude!

**Draco Malfoy:** And I don't like your stupid ginger hair. Sucks, doesn't it?

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Gregory H. Goyle**'s wall: Ugh, that Peter Weasley.

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** It's Percy.

**Draco Malfoy:** Whatever. He's been sneaking around here lately and I'm getting fucking sick of it. He def thinks he's going to catch the monster single-handedly. What a joke. What's the password again, Goyle?

**Gregory H. Goyle:** ER…

**Draco Malfoy:** Oh, right, pure-blood! Just chill in here for a sec – I'll go get it. My daddy just sent it to me. It'll make you laugh.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** sent **Vincent R. Crabbe** a Daily Prophet article about Arthur Weasley.

**Vincent R. Crabbe **wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: lol…

* * *

**Vincent R. Crabbe **sent **Gregory H. Goyle** a Daily Prophet article about Arthur Weasley.

**Gregory H. Goyle** wrote on **Vincent R. Crabbe**'s wall: You have a family ghoul?

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** Let's not talk about it.

* * *

**Gregory H. Goyle **sent **Draco Malfoy** a Daily Prophet article about Arthur Weasley.

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Gregory H. Goyle**'s wall: WELL? Don't you think it's funny?

**Gregory H. Goyle:** Oh yeah…ha…ha…

**Draco Malfoy:** Arthur Weaselyis such a Muggle lover that he should snap his wand and just join the lot. You'd never know the Weasleys were pure-bloods with the way they behave.

* * *

**Vincent R. Crabbe** is PISSED. (sent from mobile)

**Draco Malfoy:** What's up with you?

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** Uh…stomachache. Yep. So pissed about it.

**Draco Malfoy:** Well, go up to the hospital wing and give all those Mudbloods a good kick in the gonads from me, would you? Speaking of, I can't believe the Daily Prophet hasn't reported any of these attacks yet – s'pose Dumbledore's trying to keep it on the DL, but he'll be fired if this doesn't stop, which would be a blessing, really. Daddy's always said Dumbledore is the worst thing to have ever happened to Hogwarts. He's loves Muggle-borns, which is just disgusting. A decent headmaster would've never let slime like that Creevey in.

* * *

**Gregory H. Goyle** thinks **Draco Malfoy** does an accurate impression of **Colin Creevey**. (sent from mobile)

(**Draco Malfoy** likes this.)

**Draco Malfoy:** "potter can I haz ur picture? can i haz ur otograf? can i lick ur shus, potter?" Geez, guys, this is my best comedic work here!

**Gregory H. Goyle:** hahahah…

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** lol…

**Draco Malfoy:** Ugh, speaking of…stupid Saint Potter, the Mudbloods' friend. He's another one with no proper wizard feeling or he wouldn't go boppin' around with that Mudblood Granger. And people think HE'S the heir of Slytherin!

* * *

**Gregory H. Goyle** thinks he's gonna find out the heir of Slytherin! Goody! (sent from mobile)

(**Vincent R. Crabbe** likes this.)

**Draco Malfoy:** Nope, haven't got a clue – I wish I knew whom it is. I could so help them.

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** :-O

**Gregory H. Goyle:** You must know who's behind it all!

**Draco Malfoy:** You know I haven't, Goyle, how many flipping times do I have to tell you? And Daddy won't tell me *anything* because he doesn't want me to know too much – it would be suspicious. But he knows ALL about the first time it was opened, despite it being fifty years since. BUT he did tell me that the last time the Chamber was opened, a Mudblood DIED. Cool shit, right? It's only a matter of time before it happens again. I'm betting on Granger.

* * *

**Vincent R. Crabbe** is even MORE PISSED. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Gregory H. Goyle** sent **Vincent R. Crabbe** a warning look.

* * *

**Gregory H. Goyle** wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: D'you know if the person who opened the Chamber last time was caught?

**Draco Malfoy:** Yepperz – whoever it was got expelled. Probably still in Azkaban.

**Gregory H. Goyle:** Azkaban?

**Draco Malfoy:** omg, the wizard prison. Shit, Goyle, if you were any slower, you'd be going backward. Anyway, Daddy says to keep my head down and let the Heir of Slytherin do his shiz since the school needs a purging. But he's got a lot on his plate at the moment. You know the Ministry raided our manor last week?

**Gregory H. Goyle:** Oh…how awful…

**Draco Malfoy:** ikr? Luckily, they didn't find anything – Daddy's got some *very* valuable Dark Arts stuff. But we've got our own secret camber under the drawing-room floor mwhaha.

**Vincent R. Crabbe:** AHA! SCORE!

** Draco Malfoy:** …

** Gregory H. Goyle:** …

* * *

**Gregory H. Goyle** OH SHIT! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Vincent R. Crabbe** sent **Gregory H. Goyle** a look of horror.

* * *

**Vincent R. Crabbe** wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: Gotta dash, medicine for my stomach!

**Gregory H. Goyle:** I'm tagging along – byezieeesss!

* * *

**Vincent R. Crabbe** is idle.

**Gregory H. Goyle** is idle.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Well, that wasn't a COMPLETE waste of time, right? I know we still haven't figured anything out, but I'm so going to write to my dad tomorrow and tell him to check under the Malfoys' drawing room. I'm gettin' a new pair of socks for sure!

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** is officially back to normal – thank the fucking lord! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley** likes this.)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Come on, Hermione, gtfo! We've got oodles to tell you!

**Hermione Jean Granger** Go away!

**Ronald Weasley** O_O I'm actually in shock right now – is this the first time you're seriously denying a chance to talk to us?

**Harry Potter** I think my heart literally stopped for five seconds.

**Ronald Weasley** What the hell is going on? You must be back to normal because we are…

* * *

**Moaning Myrtle** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Oooooh, wait until you seeeeee, it's soooo bad LOL.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Okay, honestly, how bad is it? Do you still have her nose or somethi – HOLY FUCKERATION!

**Hermione Jean Granger:** IT WAS CAT HAIR! MILLICENT BULSTRODE HAS A FUCKING CAT AND THIS POTION ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE USED FOR ANIMAL TRANSFORMATIONS!

**Ronald Weasley:** Uh-oh…

**Hermione Jean Granger:** YOU THINK?

**Moaning Myrtle:** HAHAHA YOU'LL BE TEASED SO BADLY! WIN!

**Harry Potter:** Okay, let's keep calm and carry on – we'll go to Pomfrey and she'll fix you up – she doesn't ask many questions anyway.

**Moaning Myrtle:** HAHAHAHAHAHA WAIT TILL EVERYONE FINDS OUT YOU'VE GOT A TAIL!

(**Ronald Weasley** likes this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger:** RONALD!

**Ronald Weasley:** I'm sorry! But it is pretty hilarious, not going to lie.

** Moaning Myrtle:** Does that mean we can snog now?

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley:** NO! And fuck you, Harry!

**Harry Potter:** ^_^

* * *

A/N: Sorry this part is on the longer side - we didn't realize how drawn out chapter eleven was ^^'

Please review!

D+K


	7. Part VII

A/N: To answer some people's question: yes, we've seen AVPM and AVPS – we have been fans for a long time =) However, we haven't seen them in a while so some of the references are kind of…a subconscious decision, we guess you could say. But yes, we worship StarKid!

Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

Chapter Thirteen

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I don't meant to sound insensitive or anything, but it's been kind of nice without Hermione for the past few weeks…

**Harry Potter: **That's a lie

** Ronald Weasley: **No, I really do enjoy it!

**Harry Potter: **I meant you were lying about not wanting to sound insensitive, I mean, let's get real.

**Ronald Weasley: **Oh, yeah, I just wanted to make her feel better if she read our wall-to-wall, which she's obviously doing, let's face it.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **What ELSE am I going to do stuck in this hospital wing? It's miserable! Someone keeps poking their head in and meowing at me! But I don't know who keeps doing it…Madame Pomfrey doesn't even let anyone SEE me!

**Ronald Weasley: **Uh…yeah…about that…

**Hermione Jean Granger: **YOU'RE KIDDING.

**Ronald Weasley: **Meow?

**Hermione Jean Granger: **UGH! RON!

**Ronald Weasley: **It's sort of funny

**Harry Potter: **It really is.

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger: **You too, Harry?

**Harry Potter: **No! Of course not. But like, obviously I laugh along.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Of course…ugh.

**Ronald Weasley: **Would you be angry if I hacked into your Facebook and changed it to "Her-meow-ne Jean Granger"?

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

**Her-meow-ne Jean Granger: **SRSLY? FUCK YOU! WHY EVEN ASK ME IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY?

**Ronald Weasley: **Woah, calm down, tiger.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **You're insufferable.

**Ronald Weasley: **I try.

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Back to business. Any new leads?

**Harry Potter: **Nothing…

**Ronald Weasley: **I would've bet my house on Malfuck…hey, what's that?

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Nothing. What?

**Harry Potter: **Suspicious…

**Ronald Weasley: **Yeah, sticking out from her pillow! Got it.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Um that's my personal property!

**Ronald Weasley: **You bet it is, lookie here: a nice little get well card from Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award! SHIT. I don't know what's more disturbing, the fact that he thinks it's important to flaunt he's won a Most-Charming-Smile Award on a twelve-year-old's get well card, or the fact that you sleep with it under your fucking pillow.

**Poppy Pomfrey: **Time for medicine, Her-meow-ne…

**Hermione Jean Granger: **UGH the name was up for 5 seconds and it's already spreading…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Lockhart is such a dumbass shit.

**Harry Potter: **You could say that again.

**Ronald Weasley: **Why?

**Harry Potter: **Why…what?

**Ronald Weasley: **You didn't hear me the first time? I wrote it clearly on your Facebook…

**Harry Potter: **What? No! It's an expression. I swear, Ron, I think you've kept some of Crabbe's negative traits…

**Ronald Weasley: **Crabbe has positive traits?

**Harry Potter: **True. Some of his traits, period. Hey, wait…I hear Filch screaming...

**Ronald Weasley: **Aw shit, that either means someone else's been attacked or his damn cat was conscious long enough to have inter-species relations behind his back.

**Harry Potter: **I hope it's the former…

**Ernie Macmillan: **Oh, OF COURSE. And you want us to believe you're *not* the heir of Slytherin?

**Harry Potter: **Shut the fuck up, Ernie. We're trying to listen!

* * *

**Argus Filch **DAMN WATER FLOODING OUT OF THE BATHROOM! JESUS FUCKING SHIT FUCK CHRIST! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Hey, it's coming from Myrtle's bathroom, we better go and see what's up…

**Ronald Weasley: **Yes, because we should definitely make it our priority to worry about Myrtle every time she loses her shit…

**Harry Potter: **Maybe you *should_* _start caring about her. I mean, your lack of interest has only made her love you.

**Ronald Weasley: **True that.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Moaning Myrtle**'s wall: Alright, what the fuck is up, Myrtle?

**Moaning Myrtle: **Yes, hello to you too! WAH!

**Harry Potter: **Stfu, we need info, stat.

**Moaning Myrtle: **Who do you think you ARE? You are a twelve-year-old BRAT, yet you gallivant around Hogwarts like you own the place!

**Ronald Weasley: **Alright, Myrtle, just tell us why this bathroom is flooded, okay?

**Moaning Myrtle: **Oh, hello, Ronald…how are you? ^_^

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: About that whole 'being nice to her' idea of yours?

**Harry Potter: **_ I'm just the Boy Who Lived, it's not like I have anything ELSE to deal with.

**Moaning Myrtle: **Enough! I GET VERY UPSET WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK!

**Harry Potter: **Nobody is talking about you behind your back, Myrtle. We're very aware that you can read.

**Moaning Myrtle: **Just cut to the chase, bastard. Have you come to throw something else at me?

**Harry Potter: **Um, no?

**Moaning Myrtle: **Well, I don't know who did it then! But I was in here minding my own damn business and whoever it was thought they would just throw a book at me!

**Harry Potter: **Okay, but…it would go right through you, wouldn't it? I thought we already established that you are a ghost who REALLY overreacts about the problems that ordinarily plague LIVING beings.

**Moaning Myrtle: **You fucking insensitive bastard. Let's all just throw books at Myrtle, because she can't FEEL IT! I THOUGHT YOU WERE AT LEAST NICER THAN THAT GINGER FUCKTARD OVER THERE!

**Ronald Weasley: **Why must everyone bring my hair color into the argument? I mean, would I be _less _of a fucktard if I wasn't a ginger?

**Moaning Myrtle: **Yes.

**Harry Potter: **Yeah, I'm going with Myrtle on this one. Definitely.

**Ronald Weasley: **…fine.

**Harry Potter: **Anyway, Myrtle, who threw the book?

**Moaning Myrtle: **OMG, if I fucking knew that I wouldn't have just randomly accused the first person who walked into this bathroom, would I? I swear to GOD, you two are actually brain damaged. I truly hope that the way you behave is all talk – if you're ACUTALLY responsible for anything getting done around here, we're all screwed.

**Harry Potter: **Well, technically you aren't – you're already dead.

**Moaning Myrtle: **YOU HAD TO GO THERE, DIDN'T YOU?

**Harry Potter: **It's hard not to! You're dead! Why haven't any of the ghosts in this god forsaken place come to terms with that yet!

**Moaning Myrtle: **And you just confirmed my admission into F.U.C.K. (with dumbass scars), so good job. That owl was right about you.

**Harry Potter: **Oh my god, will I ever stop hearing about this damn group! It's COMPLETELY immature and useless. Speaking of, though, I haven't heard from Hedwig in a damn long time. It's been super nice.

* * *

**Moaning Myrtle **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Okay, y'all! I'm in! ^_^

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Finally done flirting with the ginger fuckface?

**Moaning Myrtle **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Um, he was flirting with me.

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Um, bullshit.

**Moaning Myrtle **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: WHATEVER! I'M VERY FRAGILE EMOTIONALLY! WHERE THE HELL IS HEDWIG?

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I haven't heard from her in ages and I say good riddance.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: THIS GROUP WOULD NOT EXIST WITHOUT HER! And I haven't heard from her either! The only way we had been able to speak was through Facebook, as we are quite busy – me with tree equality and her with plans to overthrow Potter! But she suddenly and simultaneously dropped the plans for me to woo Rogue Bludger AND hasn't even been on Facebook!

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Yeah, she's offline.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: WHAT? SOMETHING'S WRONG!

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: As I said, good fucking riddance.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: YOU WILL REGRET THESE SAVED TRANSCRIPTS ONCE HEDWIG IS BACK!

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Seriously, dude. I think Hedwig is batshit crazy but that makes me NOT want to curse her name at the drop of a hat – what will you do when she returns?

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: And she WILL return!

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Bitch, she ain't coming back! So just get that through your crooked branches, okay?

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I'm going to search for her!

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: With what legs?

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: STFU!

**

* * *

Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Okay, so while Myrtle is distractedly typing away on her phone, let's investigate this book, eh?

**Ronald Weasley: **Don't touch it! It could be dangerous!

* * *

**Harry Potter **sent **Ronald Weasley **a condescending laugh.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: You're outrageous. How could this possibly be dangerous? I do not recognize this foreshadowing because it is coming from one of the least reliable characters…

**Ronald Weasley: **Characters?

**Harry Potter: **You know what I mean.

(**J.K. Rowling **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley: **No?

**Harry Potter: **Anyway, I'm touching the book cause it's a fucking book. I mean I know you don't like anything that involves learning but this is getting a LITTLE ridiculous.

**Ronald Weasley: **You'd be surprised! Some of the books the Ministry's confiscated…there was one that burned your eyes out!

**Harry Potter: **You're being dramatic.

**Ronald Weasley: **Suit yourself.

**Harry Potter: **I will! Somebody has to be the hero around here.

**Dudley Dursley: **Oh, fuck you.

**Harry Potter: **Kindly fuck off.

**Dudley Dursley: **You wish.

**Harry Potter: **Enough.

**Dudley Durlsey: **Fuck.

**Harry Potter: **Really? You need the last word that badly that you've resorted to simply posting a single expletive? Great job, Dudderz.

**Dudley Dursley: **-_-

**Harry Potter: **Yeah, that doesn't count.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: So anyway, it's a diary. T.M. Riddle, ring any bells?

**Ronald Weasley: **Actually, yes. He got an award for special services to the school fifty years ago.

**Harry Potter: **Hermione, get the fuck off Ron's Facebook…Jesus Christ, the Her-meow-ne thing was a frickin joke! You don't have to start humiliating Ron.

**Ronald Weasley: **No…it's me, mate.

**Harry Potter: **And how the HELL did you know that USELESS piece of information? You been snorting something? You tripping out on me?

**Ronald Weasley: **Yes, but that's beside the point. Filch made me polish his shield about fifty times in detention. That was the one I burped slugs all over.

**Harry Potter: **A more appropriate answer. Well, there doesn't appear to be anything in this diary anyway – useless as shit.

**Ronald Weasley: **Well, why would someone want to flush a blank diary away?

**Harry Potter: **Stop getting all philosophical on me, Weasley. That's not what I keep you around for. You're the comic relief, in case you didn't realize.

**Ronald Weasley: **Hey, I come out with really important facts sometimes!

**Harry Potter: **And if I wanted to hear useless shit I'd hang around Hermione more often!

**Ronald Weasley: **Thank god she's still in the hospital.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **You guys are so MEAN!

**Ronald Weasley: **Get over it, bitch.

**Harry Potter: **Hey, he must have been a Muggle-born! He purchased this diary from Vauxhall Road and I have a complete understanding of every highly Muggle-populated area ever.

**Ronald Weasley: **Well, it's not much use to you, right? It's blank. Fifty points if you can get it through Myrtle's nose!

**Harry Potter: **Aaaand he's back, ladies and gents.

**Moaning Myrtle: **WAAAHHHHH WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME.

**Ronald Weasley: **So many reasons…so many.

* * *

**Her-meow-ne Jean Granger **I'm back, everybody! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley **and **Harry Potter** like this.)

**Hermone Jean Granger: **RON!

**Ronald Weasley: **Come on, it was the last time I was gonna get it in, now that you're human again.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Ugh, I was always human, I just LOOKED like a cat.

**Ronald Weasley: **Sure…

**Hermione Jean Granger: **MOVING ON – I THINK THIS DIARY HAS HIDDEN MAGICAL POWER YEEEYYYY!

**Ronald Weasley: **Okay, don't pass out from the excitement, crazy.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Ron, you said it yourself in the conversation I was stalking – why would someone flush a blank diary? It's got SOMETHING inside of it that seriously pissed someone off.

**Roanld Weasley: **I'd like to flush you.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **I'd like to pummel you.

**Ronald Weasley: **I win. I'd rather get pummeled than flushed.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Whatever you say, Ronald. So about this diary!

**Ronald Weasley: **Maybe it's shy?

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Alright, just don't speak anymo- OH GOODNESS! I HAVE AN IDEA!

**Harry Potter: **Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

**Ronald Weasley: **Are you both thinking about treacle fudge?

**Harry Potter: **Yes – but ALSO, the Chamber of Secrets was opened fifty years ago, right?

**Ronald Weasley: **Yeah, but back to the fudge…

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Omg and THIS DIARY is ALSO fifty years old!

**Ronald Weasley: **Fuck my life…don't jizz in your pants about this, Harry.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **RON WAKE UP! We know the person who opened the chamber last time was expelled *fifty years ago*! We know T.M. Riddle got an award for special services to the school *fifty years ago*! What if Riddle got his award for *catching the Heir of Slytherin*? His diary would tell us everything!

**Ronald Weasley: **You think you're so smart? First of all, I didn't even finish reading your fucking novel of a comment because it's all bullshit: HIS DIARY IS FUCKING BLANK! HOW MANY TIMES MUST WE REPEAT THIS SOLID FACT?

**Hermione Jean Granger: **What if it's invisible ink? *Aparecium!*

**Ronald Weasley: **OH MAN! Nothing happened! Oohh! Such a wonderful breakthrough! I literally want to have sex with this book, just to thank it for revealing all of its wonderful secrets!

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Harry, I thought you were on my side?

**Harry Potter: **Yeah, but I saw the word 'sex' and I'm a boy…

**Hermione Jean Granger: **? Fuck the two of you.

(**Ronald Weasley **and **Harry Potter **like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter **Omg I totally feel like T.M. Riddle is a friend I had when I was little and had half-forgotten about! (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Durlsey: **Seriously, get a Twitter, you fucking nerd. Facebook statuses should NOT be used to update your every thought. By becoming superficial friends with you, I should not be signing a contract that guarantees knowing every fucking half-assed remark you conjure up. I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR FINGERS ONE BY ONE, THEN I'M GOING TO TAPE YOUR EYELIDS OPEN AND FORCE YOU TO WATCH ME INGEST EACH FINGER.

**Harry Potter: **Wow, I'm impressed with this rant. It's almost as if IT ISN'T EVEN YOU, DUDLEY. OR SHOULD I SAY…HEDWIG?

**Dudley Dursley: **Okay, I got a little out of control with that last bit. BUT YOU FUCKING DISABLED MY ACCOUNT, YOU FUCKING PUNK-ASS BITCH FUCKFACE LITTLE SHIT.

**Harry Potter: **I DID NO SUCH THING! I merely flagged your offensive comments. And if you don't watch out, I'm going to get Dudley's account disabled as well.

**The Whomping Willow: **Hedwig? OH HEDWIG, MY LOVE.

**Dudley Dursley: **Baby, I'm working here, okay?

**The Whomping Willow: **Yes, of course, my love.

**Dudley Durlsey: **Now, Potter? Get your ass over to Facebook headquarters and tell Mark Zuckerberg that I DEMAND the use of my Facebook again!

**Haryr Potter: **Um, I'm pretty sure he has NOTHING to do with that, and even if he did, you can go take care of that yourself. You have to be held accountable for your outrageous comments.

**Dudley Dursley: **I'LL DO NO SUCH THING YOU DOUCHELORD FUCKFACE! WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS MARK ZUCKERBERG?

**Mark Zuckerberg: **Hey.

**Dudley Dursley: **OH HELLO THERE! I AM HEDWIG THE OWL FROM HOGWARTS AND I DEMAND TO HAVE MY FACEBOOK UP AND RUNNING – THERE WERE SOME FALSE CLAIMS MADE ABOUT MY LANGAUGE ON THIS SITE.

**Mark Zuckerberg: **Yeah, well, ordinarily I have nothing to do with that. I enjoy most of my free time sitting on my enormous piles of cash. But every once and a while someone comes over with seriously hilarious transcripts and I couldn't stop reading your violent rampage against this skinny four-eyed nerd.

**Harry Potter: **Excuse me? I hope you have some sort of defense prepared on my part, because right now it looks like you're entertained by my ravenous owl, when really you should side with a fellow nerd, don't you think?

**Mark Zuckerberg: **Oh, really?

**Harry Potter: **Um, yes…

* * *

**Mark Zuckerberg **wrote on **Hedwig the Owl**'s wall: Here you go. Have fun. And don't forget to forward me the invitation to that group we were talking about…

**Hedwig the Owl: **You got it, Zucky.

**Mark Zuckerberg: **Don't call me that.

**Hedwig the Owl: **Okay! ^_^

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Omg you guys, first of all, I'M BACK BITCHEZZZZZZZ, second order of business – I think I just turned Mark Zuckerberg against Potter! I fucking rock.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: And roll!

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Holy shit…

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Do you have something MORE to say, Draco? Hm? Because I think you said your piece while I was gone, according to the transcripts Zucky sent me.

**Mark Zuckerberg **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I told you not to call me that. You're on thin ice now.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: OMG IT'S MARK ZUCKERBERG! EVERYONE LOOK! IT'S MY NEW BFF!

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I think you're coming on a little too strong, muffin. And, sorry, but who's Mark Zuckerberg?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: You don't know who Mark Zuckerberg is?

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Um, no?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Go kill yourself.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: WHAT!

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Ugh, I just can't deal with you right now. Draco, YOU have a death wish, don't you?

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: I don't really give a shit about you, Hedwig. I thought I made that clear?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: OH! OKAY! GOOD!

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Can we talk about the fact that you hijacked my Facebook?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: NO WE ABSOLUTELY CANNOT.

**Dudley Durlsey **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Fine…

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Do you have anything else to say, Malfoy?

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Let's see…nope…I don't think so…oh, wait, right. FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SHIT FACE OWL I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL – MALFOY OUT!

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: …Hedwig?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Yes, dear?

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Um…are you okay?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Why wouldn't I be, Willow?

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Well, usually you don't let people talk to you like that.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Oh, I'm not letting Draco do anything.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: What…er…what are you going to do, Hedwig? Um…you're not going to…to kill him, are you?

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Oh, no. No, no. Too easy.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: You're kind of scaring me, Hedwig.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Good. Good, good. Heh.

**The Whomping Willow **wrote on Friends United to Cut Kids (with dumbass scars)'s wall: Gulp.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: So I was thinking, maybe, like, the Heir of Slytherin lost his nerve! And the monster's just chilling in the dungeons -hibernating and shit, right?

**Ronald Weasley: **I literally have no comment for that.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Have you actually lost your mind, Harry?

**Harry Potter: **It's just a thought!

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Ron, can you pass me an Advil? Thank you. Jesus Christ…he's killing me, Ron. He's really killing me.

**Ronald Weasley: **Always the incurable optimist. It's going to lead to his death one day.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **I know, it's sad.

**Harry Potter: **Hey, I can hear you guys.

**Hermione Jean Granger: **And I suspect you can read too?

**Harry Potter: **Yes…

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Alright, good. Use that to your advantage and stop clouding up Facebook with asinine comments! Seriously, Harry, I tried to be cool about this but your lack of concern is absolutely maddening. People are almost DYING over this!

**Harry Potter: **Yes, but…I don't know! It's getting pretty risky to open the Chamber of Secrets so like, he might be spooked…

**Ronald Weasley: **WHAT? Hermione…

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Ron, I can't. Please, take care of this.

**Ronald Weasley: **Harry, this person has made the life decision to release a murderous monster through the halls of a school. He knows very well that this will lead to the deaths of possibly every Muggle-born here! I THINK he's thought it over enough to make 'getting spooked' a completely impossible feat.

**Harry Potter: **Yeah, but…you know, everyone's suspicious…and stuff…

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **I agree, Harry! The school needs a morale-booster! You know, get out of this funk-da-funk! Get dooooown! We're all suspicious of that monster, maybe he HAS gone skiddly diddly doo back on down to the dungeons! Let's just LIVE, y'all!

**Ronald Weasley: **I'm done.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **IT'S MORALE-BOOSTER BREAKFAST, EVERYONE! AND LOOKIE HERE, IT'S THE SAME DAY AS VALENTINE'S DAY! OOPS, I DROPPED SOME HEART-SHAPED CONFETTI ALL OVER THE BACON! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter: **This is not what I had in mind -_-

**Ronald Weasley: **You started this! He's wearing BRIGHT pink robes, for god's sake!

**Hermione Jean Granger: **Hehehehee

**Ronald Weasley: **Oh stfu.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **Oh my goodness everyone! Don't forget to ask Severus how to whip up a batch of Love Potion! The way to a person's heart is through their brain! Mind control, y'all! (sent from mobile)

**Severus Snape: **And if anyone actually asks me how to make a love potion, you can have fun in detention and enjoy the loss of one hundred points from your respective house. Thank you.

* * *

**Harry Potter **well, everybody, we can't exactly complain – nobody else has been attacked since Lockhart's "Morale-Booster Breakfast"!

(**Gilderoy Lockart **and **Hermione Jean Granger **like this.)

**Ronald Weasley: **SHUT UP.

**Dean Thomas: **Ugh, it's been twenty fucking minutes since breakfast! Give it time…

**Seamus Finnigan: **Harry, gtfo.

**Fred Weasley: **You are

**George Weasley: **an arse.

**Fred Weasley: **Hehe ^_^

**Harry Potter: **Ugh, come on guys! I'm just trying to boost the morale as well!

**Ernie Macmillan: **What you're trying to do is to distract everyone so you can strike again! Poor Justin is STILL in the hospital wing!

**Harry Potter: **Along with everyone else who got attacked thanks to someone OTHER than me, so once again, get the fuck off my Facebook page, Ernie Macmoron.

**Ernie Macmillan: **O rly? That's the best you could come up with? Suck it, Pothead.

**Harry Potter: **That's the best YOU could come up with? At least my name allows for creative insults; what the fuck am I supposed to do with Macmillan?

**Ernie Macmillan: **Just…fuck you.

**Harry Potter: **I always get the most legitimate last word. Remember that.

**Ernie Macmillan: **Is that a THREAT?

**Harry Potter: **Maybe yes, maybe no, maybe I'll kill you in your sleep.

**Ernie Macmillan: **YOU ARE DOING *NOTHING* TO RID YOUR NAME OF THE ACCUSATIONS YOU *CLAIM_* _TO BE FALSE!

**Harry Potter: **Ernie? Suck my dick, okay?

**Ernie Macmillan: **NEVER.

**Harry Potter: **It's an expression, jackass.

**Dudley Dursley: **Not surprised…also not convinced that's 'just an expression,' if you catch my drift…

**Ernie Macmillan: **Yes, I have my own suspicions, as well.

**Dudley Dursley: **Hey, you haven't been talking much during the F.U.C.K. (with dumbass scars) meetings…what's up?

**Ernie Macmillan: **Well, to be honest Draco and I are pretty tight now and I'm a little weary of getting involved anymore, considering what happened to him.

**Dudley Dursley: **What happened? I thought Hedwig was bluffing.

**Ernie Macmillan: **Oh, shit no. You didn't hear? I should probably notify everyone…Draco got messed up BAD. He's in the hospital wing as we speak.

**Dudley Dursley: **SHIT!

**Harry Potter: **Okay, get the fuck off my status, guys. As much as I love hearing about Draco's annihilation by an owl, I'm getting a little annoyed.

**Hedwig the Owl: **Oh, I'm just 'an owl'? Really? And you two fuckers – Ernie and Dudley? You really talkin shit behind my back? I guess I haven't made a good enough impression on you. Why don't you just take a look at what I did to Draco, then?

**Harry Potter: **Uh, no than- WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IS THIS IMAGE YOU JUST MESSAGED ME? THIS DOESN'T-THIS DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE A FACE! IS THAT…OH GOD! I THINK I CAN MAKE OUT A FEW STRANDS OF BLEACH BLONDE HAIR THROUGH ALL OF THE BLOOD! SHITFUCK!

**Ernie Macmillan: **Oh god, I'm going to be sick!

**Dudley Dursley: **Can't…stop…throwing up…be back later…

**Hedwig the Owl: **Yeah. And I'll be posting that as my Facebook profile picture for quite a bit, you know just as a warning to anyone who decides to fuck with me.

**Harry Potter: **Hedwig, I'm like really scared right now. You've never done anything near this much damage to me. Did you fucking peck his eyes out?

**Hedwig the Owl: **You know it. And they tasted DAMN good. You better pray to your mummy and daddy every single night that I don't do a QUARTER of this damage to you.

**Harry Potter: **Oh my god! Hedwig, why! I actually feel badly for Draco, for the first time in my entire life.

**Hedwig the Owl: **Feel bad, feel scared – feel whatever the fuck you want. But if you mess with me again, you're gonna feel pain. That's a Hedwig Beating guarantee.

**Harry Potter: **This is so awful…

**Hedwig the Owl: **Cry for me, bitch!

**Harry Potter: ***cries* I'm so scared.

**Hedwig the Owl: **Hahahahaa, dumb motherfucker. I love the sound of your tears.

**Harry Potter: **Technically you like the sound of my sobs.

**Hedwig the Owl: **SAME DIFFERENCE, PUNK BITCH!

**Harry Potter: **T_T

* * *

**Grim-looking Dwarf **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Oy, you! Get the fuck over here, I've got a Valentine!

**Harry Potter: **Oh, please, no. I've suffered enough emotional trauma for today, thanks to my murderous pet owl…

**Hedwig the Owl: **I ain't your pet, bitch!

**Harry Potter: **Okay, okay!

**Grim-looking Dwarf: **Are you gonna take this fucking card or what? Because I'm about to stab myself AND that Lockhart bitch in the eyes.

**Harry Potter: **Please noooooooo.

**Grim-looking Dwarf: **It's musical!

**Harry Potter: **Is that supposed to make me want it MORE?

**Grim-looking Dwarf: **Alright now you're pissing me off. GET OVER HERE!

**Harry Potter: **YOU RIPPED MY BOOK-BAG, YA NASTY!

**Draco Malfoy: **Ooh, what's going on here?

**Harry Potter: **O_O Malfoy, your face! It's…not mutilated.

**Draco Malfoy: **Yeah, that's because I force-fed some random First Year some Polyjuice Potion an hour before Hedwig attacked "me." Fuckin dumbass little shit.

**Hedwig the Owl: **WHAT?

**Draco Malfoy: **Bitch, I'm Draco Fucking Malfoy, you think you can intimidate me? My father could have you ripped to shreds – feather by feather – in a matter of moments. That was my final warning, okay? I swear to god, you WILL die if you ever come near me again. I WAS NOT AND AM NOT JOKING.

**Hedwig the Owl: **I seriously don't know what to say. Nobody has ever spoken to me like this before.

**Harry Potter: **Oh god, head for the hills everyone or the streets will run with our blood! (Ps – how did you manage to make Polyjuice potion, Malfoy…it was even difficult for Hermione!)

**Hedwig the Owl: **I think…I think I'm in love with you.

**Harry Potter: **With me?

**Hedwig the Owl: **FUCK OFF, SHIT BRAIN! I'M TALKING TO DRACO.

**Harry Potter: **You're on MY wall and your comment FOLLOWED MY COMMENT!

**Hedwig the Owl: **Get over yourself. So, Draco? What do you think…we can team up, take on the world together! Just you and me.

**The Whomping Willow: **And what the fuck is going on here?

**Hedwig the Owl: **Consider this the official dissolving of our relationship, Willow. I'm sorry, but you know it hasn't been good for a while.

**The Whomping Willow: **Yes, but I would've liked some notice! But no, I have to read about your grandiose propositions to another lover! Especially someone who has betrayed on so many occasions!

**Hedwig the Owl: **DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY LIFE. DRACO, YOU'RE SCARING ME – WHY HAVEN'T YOU ANSWERED?

**Draco Malfoy: **Hedwig, I wouldn't break up your little relationship with the tree so soon. I am SO WILDLY UNINTERESTED IN YOU that you could not pay me any amount of money to have relations with you. Even if you said you would kill Potter in the most gruesome, violent way possible, I would NEVER agree to this.

**Hedwig the Owl: **Oh…

**Draco Malfoy: **Yeah. Now, if you don't mind, I'll go back to berating and humiliating Harry myself, as it's what I do best.

**Hedwig the Owl: **I…I need to go…

**Harry Potter: **Hedwig, you look really pale. And you don't sound like yourself. Why aren't you planning Malfoy's immediate demise?

**Hedwig the Owl: **I SAID I NEED TO GO GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK.

**Grim-looking Dwarf: **K so I'm just gonna get on with it then…"His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad, His hair is as dark as a blackboard, I wish he was mine, he's really divine, The hero who conquered the Dark Lord!"

**Harry Potter: **Shitfuck, may Voldemort fly down from the sky above and blow me into smithereens…

**Draco Malfoy: **Oooh, what's this? Is this your DIARY? Look Crabbe, Goyle! It's Harry's little diary where he keeps all his little thoughts about all his little problems! Are you getting what I mean, Harry? I think your life is completely insignificant. Also you're a pussy for keeping a diary.

**Harry Potter: **EXPELLI-FUCKING-ARMUS!

**Draco Malfoy: **Wah!

**Ronald Weasley: **Awesome! Caught it, bro. That was especially badass, as you didn't even say that spell correctly.

**Percy Weasley: **HEY! NO MAGIC IN THE CORRIDORS! I SHALL HAVE TO REPORT THIS!

**Ronald Weasley: **Omg, fuck OFF, Percy!

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on **Ginny Weasley**'s wall: I don't think Potter liked your valentine much! ;)

**Ginny Weasley: **T_T

**Ronald Weasley: **YOU LITTLE FUCKER!

**Ginny Weasley: **It's okay, Ron, but thank you for defending me.

**Ronald Weasley: **What? No, I was talking to you. Why the hell are you sending Harry valentine cards?

**Ginny Weasley:** Eek! So embarrassed!

**Ronald Weasley: **Um, yeah! You should be!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Can you stop torturing Ginny long enough to listen to a theory? I am completely disregarding the fact that she sent me a valentine. I am not interested in romance; I am a twelve- year-old boy and Ginny seems like a two-year-old to me, although she is only a year younger. Anyway, listen! All of my books are drenched in ink from when that dumbass dwarf ripped my bag and everything dropped on the floor! All of my books, except one – RIDDLE'S DIARY!

**Ronald Weasley: **Uh huh…my wand is acting funny…wonder how you fix this…

**Harry Potter: **RON!

**Ronald Weasley: **Ugh, enough about the diary. Go talk to Hermione about it.

**Harry Potter: **Ugh, I'd rather nobody listen to me than pitch this idea to Hermione. She'll never shut up!

* * *

**Harry Potter **Off to bed early! Not doing anything suspicious or anything – hehehehe (sent from mobile)

**Fred Weasley: **OMG, you're totally going to

**George Weasley: **masturbate to the memory of your musical valentine!

**Harry Potter: **masturwhat?

**Fred Weasley: **Oh…

**George Weasley: **Nothing!

**Ronald Weasley: **Harry, come on.

**Harry Potter: **What?

**Ronald Weasley: ***headdesk*

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **T.M. Riddle's Diary**'s wall: Oh…seriously? Wow, I was just fucking around I didn't think you would actually have a legitimate Facebook…awesome. Er…my name is Harry Potter.

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Yes, I can see that from the name directly beside your comment. However, I believe my name deserves some clarification; let's make this a little more informal. The name's Tom. No, you may not refer to me as Tommy, Tommy Boy, Tom Tom, or anything else your addled pre-pubescent brain can manage to invent.

**Harry Potter: **Cool, cool, cool. Well, hello _Tom_! Wow, I'm not gonna lie, that was a little more difficult than I originally thought. I didn't think it would be, but then there I was _really_ wanting to call you Tommy Boy…I don't know why! I guess it's cause you put the thought into my head and I was like, wow that would be a really fun thing to say, just to put our friendship on a different level…

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Wow, okay. I'm getting a good mental picture of the sort of…challenged person I'm dealing with. Good to know in advance. How did you come by my diary? Can't wait to hear this…

**Harry Potter: **Someone tried to flush it down a toilet!

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Ah, yes, I can see someone like you riddling (cringe – no pun intended. Ordinarily I would not even make note of that, but you seem like the right kind of dumbass to call me out on using a pun: DON'T) through a rancid toilet bowl for an old, weathered, empty diary. Yeah, I'm getting a _real _good image of you.

**Harry Potter: **Well, I actually found it on the bathroom floor after it had been sitting in stagnant toilet water.

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **That's just peachy. Well, it's lucky that I recorded my memories in some more lasting way than ink. But I always knew that there would be those who would not want this diary read.

**Harry Potter: **What do you mean?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **I mean what I said, but whatever, I suppose I might as well get used to clarifying every little word. I mean that this diary holds memories of terrible things. Things that were covered up. Things that happened at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

**Harry Potter: **That's where I am now! I'm at Hogwarts, and horrible stuff's been happening! Do you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Of course I know about the Chamber of Secrets, you bumbling moron. In my fifth year, the Chamber was opened and the monster attacked several students, finally killing one. I caught the person who'd opened the Chamber and he was expelled. But the Headmaster, Professor Dippet, ashamed that such a thing had happened at Hogwarts, forbade me to tell the truth! A story was given out that the girl had died in a freak accident. They gave me a nice, shiny, engraved trophy for my trouble and warned me to keep my mouth shut. But I knew it could happen again. The monster lived on, and the one who had the power to release it was not imprisoned.

**Harry Potter: **O_O

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **In layman's terms for someone like you: Hogwarts is a corrupt fucking place. Always has been, always will be. And shit is going to go down because of that. People are going to die. I'd start living with it, kid. Or die, whatever. You probably will if the monster's out of its cage.

**Harry Potter: **It's happening now! There have been three attacks and no one seems to know who's behind them! Who was it last time?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Oh, I can show you that, if you'd like.

**Harry Potter: **Creepy diary say what?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Oh, yes. I can take you inside my memory of the night when I caught him.

**Harry Potter: **Er…

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Let me show you.

**Harry Potter: **I don't know if that's a good idea…

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Stfu

**Harry Potter: **Ok.

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **I'm taking that as affirmation that you will come on this journey with me and not a simple "okay" to my request that you stop speaking.

* * *

**Harry Potter **What have I gotten myself into… (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley: **As always, your cryptic statuses are so disheartening…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Tom Riddle's Diary**'s wall: Tom, that was fucking insane. I'm inside of you!

**Tom Riddle's Diary: **I wouldn't really phrase it that way. Now just shut up and watch.

**Harry Potter: **Aw shit, let me just apologize to this man sitting at Dumbledore's desk! We've so rudely crashed into his office.

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Omg, are you serious? I just transported you inside of a fucking book; you think that what you see is reality? Jesus Christ, it's like your brain-damaged or something. First of all, you realize that this is Dumbledore's office and yet a DIFFERENT man – Professor Dippet - is sitting at his desk. So that should already clue you into something being a bit array. But then, second of all, I actually said to you, word for word, that I would take you back to the night that I caught the Heir of Slytherin.

**Harry Potter: **Oh…

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Yeah, so shut the fuck up.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Professor Dippet**'s wall: Sorry, I didn't mean to butt in!

**Harry Potter: **Er – I'll just go, shall I?

**Harry Potter: **Are you deaf?

**Harry Potter: **You're probably a bit deaf. SORRY I DISTURBED YOU, I'LL GO NOW!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **T.M. Riddle's Diary**'s wall: What's going on, Tom?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **O_O I JUST EXPLAINED THAT TO YOU LESS THAN THIRTY SECONDS AGO! You're in MY MEMORY, nobody can see you! Nobody can HEAR you! SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!

**Harry Potter: **Oooooohhhhhh! I get it now.

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **You're insufferable… *headdesk*

* * *

**Professor Dippet **wrote on **Tom Riddle**'s wall: Ah, Riddle.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **T.M. Riddle's Diary**'s wall: OMG, TOM! THAT'S YOU! THAT'S YOU IN NON-BOOK FORM! OMG LOOK AT YOU! RESTORED TO HUMAN FORM…SO BEAUTIFUL.

**T.M Riddle Diary: **Holy shit. I seriously regret this decision.

**Harry Potter: **Shh, I'm trying to listen!

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **o_O

* * *

**Tom Riddle **wrote on **Professor Dippet**'s wall: You wanted to see me?

**Professor Dippet: **Sit down. I've just been reading the letter you sent me.

**Tom Riddle: **Oh.

**Professor Dippet: **My dear boy…I cannot possibly let you stay at school over the summer. Surely you want to go home for the holidays?

**Tom Riddle: **No. I'd much rather stay at Hogwarts that go back…there…

**Professor Dippet: **You live in a Muggle orphanage during the holidays, I believe?

**Tom Riddle: **Yes, sir.

**Professor Dippet: **You are Muggle-born?

**Tom Riddle: **Half-blood, sir. Muggle father, witch mother.

**Professor Dippet: **And are both your parents…

**Tom Riddle: **Dead? Yes, that's why I'm in an orphanage, you old coot. They told me at the orphanage that my mother lived just long enough to name me – Tom after my father, Marvolo after my grandfather.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **T.M. Riddle's Diary**'s wall: OMG YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS MARVOLO? HAAHAHAHA! I'M GONNA START CALLING YOU THAT!

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **I made it abundantly clear I do not want to be called "Tommy" or any other variation of my name. What makes you think I would like to be called "Marvolo," you insensitive prick?

**Harry Potter: **Sorry. Marvolo…hahaha…

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **You are missing every bit of the point of watching this!

* * *

**Professor Dippet **wrote on **Tom Riddle**'s wall: The thing is, Tom, special arrangements might have been made for you, but in the current circumstances…

**Tom Riddle: **You mean all these attacks, sir?

**Professor Dippet: **Precisely. It would be quite foolish of me to allow you to remain at the castle when term ends. Particularly in light of the recent tragedy…the death of that poor little girl…You will be safer from harm at your orphanage. As a matter of fact, that Ministry of Magic is even know talking about closing the school. We are no nearer locating the…er…source of all this unpleasantness…

**Tom Riddle: **O_O THAT'S NOT AN OPTION. What if the person was caught?

**Professor Dippet: **What do you mean? Do you mean you know something about these attacks?

**Tom Riddle: **No, sir.

**Professor Dippet: **You may go, Tom…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **T.M. Riddle's Diary**'s wall: A bit of a troublemaker I see – I can tell a lie when I see one! I've told many a lie to old Dumblepops!

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Speak of the devil…

**Harry Potter: **You mean that ginger fox over there?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **In all seriousness - and this is less of an insult and more of a quest for knowledge – what the fucking fuck is wrong with you?

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on **Tom Riddle**'s wall: What are you doing, wandering around this late, Tom?

**Tom Riddle: **I had to see the headmaster, sir.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: **Well, hurry to bed. Best not to roam the corridors these days…

* * *

**T.M. Riddle's Diary **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Stupid old bastard. Anyway, follow along, keep up! Down to the dungeons…

**Harry Potter: **Hey! Dumbledore is the BEST.

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **likes this.)

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: ***rolls eyes* I'm not getting into THAT debate.

**Harry Potter: **Alright, fine. What are we doing down here?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Shut up and wait!

**Harry Potter: **ughhhhhhhh…for how long?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Idk! Like 20 minutes!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **T.M. Riddle's Diary**'s wall: Tom?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **YES?

**Harry Potter: **Um, we've been waiting down here for like, at least an hour.

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Because that's how long I waited! I mean, what the hell do you want me to do? I didn't remember exactly how long I had waited somewhere FIFTY YEARS AGO!

**Harry Potter: **Touchy…

* * *

**Tom Riddle **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Evening, Rubeus.

* * *

**T.M. Riddle's Diary **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: And now the shit-show you've been waiting for…

**Harry Potter: **But…but that's just Hagrid!

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Oh GOD, you aren't friends with that lunatic, are you?

**Harry Potter: **Lunatic?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Oh, you'll see.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Tom Riddle**'s wall: What yer doin' down here, Tom?

**Tom Riddle: **It's all over. I'm going to have to turn you in, Rubeus. They're talking about closing Hogwarts if the attacks don't stop.

**Rubeus Hagrid: **Meh?

**Tom Riddle: **I don't think you meant to killanyone. But monsters don't make good pets. I suppose you just let it out for exercise…

**Rubeus Hagrid: **WHAT THE FUCK? I SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS NOW! IT NEVER KILLED NO ONE!

**Tom Riddle: **Oh, you poor, poor, ignorant fuck. The dead girl's parents will be here tomorrow. The least Hogwarts can do is make sure that the thing that killed their daughter is slaughtered…

**Rubeus Hagrid: **IT WASN' HIM! HE WOULDN'! HE NEVER!

**Tom Riddle: **Learn to speak with proper grammar and spelling, Rubeus. You sound like an oaf. Now, stand aside.

**Rubeus Hagrid: **NOOOOOOOOOOOO

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **T.M. Riddle's Diary**'s wall: OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING! OH LORD THE PINCERS! THE THOUSANDS OF EYES!

**T.M. Riddle's Diary**: Harry, was that just you screaming?

**Harry Potter: **NO! NO OF COURSE NOT!

**T.M. Riddle's Diary**: Are you absolutely sure that wasn't you? Because if there's a little girl lurking inside of my memory, I shall just have to go around murdering everyone who crosses our paths.

**Harry Potter: **M-murdering?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary** Yes, of course. And what I heard was a little girl. That means some little girl is going to tell others about what she saw – I don't know how she got in here but that means hell to pay for everyone. Nobody can know what I'm showing you right now!

**Harry Potter: **Oh…um…okay, hypothetically, if that _was _me…you wouldn't…you wouldn't tell anyone?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Everything that goes on down here is between me, you, and that giant oaf who pushed me over for simply revealing the truth about his murderous spider.

**Harry Potter: **Okay…alright. And you won't murder anyone?

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **I wouldn't even know HOW to murder anyone, dear friend. But I would certainly be forced to if somebody knows my secrets besides you.

**Harry Potter: **Okay, fine. It was me.

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **It was you, emitting the high-pitched screams of a little girl scout?

**Harry Potter: **Well, you don't have to phrase it that way…

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Oh, but I do.

**Harry Potter: **Let's just get out of here…

**T.M. Riddle's Diary: **Righty-o.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Oh, there you are. I was going to come in right when I saw that ridiculous status update but I figured you were being dramatic and went to grab some cookies.

**Harry Potter: **It was Hagrid, Ron. Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets fifty years ago.

**Ronald Weasley: **Woah, slow down buddy. Let me digest. You want a cookie?

**Harry Potter: **No I don't want a fucking cookie!

**Ronald Weasley: **Suit yourself…so what's this about Hagrid being involved in a psychotic murder spree?

* * *

Chapter Fourteen

**Harry Potter** fucking hell – I knew **Rubeus Hagrid** had a really inconvenient taste for murderous creatures like **Norbert the Dragon**, and Fluffy, but this is insane – there's no way he would intentionally let a monster roam around school and allow them to murder whoever gets in their way. Wait a sec…

**Norbert the Dragon:** HEY! I don't want you taggin' me in your bitch ass musings about stupid shit. Now I'm gonna get bombarded with notifications…FUCK YOU.

**Fluffy:** You could at least tag our name!

**Harry Potter:** YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK? WE COULDN'T FIND YOU LAST BOOK…YEAR.

(**J.K. Rowling** likes this.)

**Fluffy:** Yeah, well, we were taken off Facebook because APPARENTLY you're not allowed to have three accounts with the same e-mail. I mean come on! There are three of us! We want to be individually represented!

**Harry Potter:** Excuse me?

**Fluffy:** Not ALL our heads answer to "Fluffy," ya know! The middle head answers to that. That's ME. Then the head to my right, Cecilia, has a completely different personality! She likes clog dancing and drooling on gingers. Then there's Bombastus to my left who just likes ripping people's heads off.

**Harry Potter:** O_O This is a bit too crazy for me. I think I'd rather go back to a time when you didn't have a Facebook.

**Fluffy:** TOUGHT SHIT, POTS. THIS IS REAL AND YOU BETTER GET FUCKING USED TO IT.

**Harry Potter:** Bombastus?

**Fluffy:** NO. CECILIA.

**Fluffy:** I'd rather you *not* fuck up our names – I am Bombastus. Just because my greatest hobby is ripping the heads off people doesn't mean I constantly butcher the English language to prove my horrible strength and power. Let's get this straight here.

**Harry Potter:** Okay, enough. I'm going to have to report you because I actually can't stand this.

**Norbert the Dragon:** END THIS CONVERSATION NOW OR I'LL SET YOU ON FIRE WITH MY BREATH.

**Fluffy** is no longer online.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is going to pretend everything that just occurred on Facebook twenty minutes ago didn't just happen.

* * *

**Harry Potter** half wishes he didn't figure out how to work out **T.M. Riddle's Diary** because **Ronald Weasley** and **Hermione Jean Granger** won't stop forcing me to repeat what the fuck just happened.

**T.M. Riddle's Diary:** Now you know how I felt dealing with you during my flashbacks. Sucks, doesn't it?

**Ronald Weasley:** HEY, it's fucking bizarre and we're twelve – of course you're going to have to retell the story a few times so we can get it.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** You mean so YOU can get it. I understood it before it even left his mouth.

**Ronald Weasley:** NOT. POSSIBLE.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** *Pfft* Oh, Ronald. You ignoramus.

**T.M. Riddle's Diary:** Couldn't I have dealt with this Granger girl instead of Potter?

**Hermione Jean Granger:** I know, I'm a lot easier to deal with when it comes to these things. My sympathies.

**Harry Potter:** T_T Meanies.

**T.M. Riddle's Diary** and **Hermione Jean Granger** are now friends.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Anyway, we don't even know if Riddle caught the right person – maybe it was a different monster attacking people.

**Ronald Weasley:** How many fucking monsters can this castle hold?

**Harry Potter:** Well, it's currently housing Hedwig, which is basically like housing a thousand demons, so I'm gonna assume quite a number.

**Hedwig the Owl:** A *THOUSAND*? I think I've proven myself to be worth a HELL of a lot more than THAT. Looks like I'm going to have to step up my game a couple of notches.

**Harry Potter:** Anyway, ignoring Hedwig's psychotic drivel of bullshit since we actually have something interesting to talk about, we always knew Hagrid was expelled for SOME REASON. I always thought it was for drugs or something. And the attacks must've stopped after Hagrid was kicked out otherwise Riddle wouldn't have gotten his award.

**Ronald Weasley:** Ughhh, whatevsss this Riddle prick sounds EXACTLY like Percy – who asked him to be a tattletale on Hagrid?

**Hermione Jean Granger:** The monster KILLED someone, Ron. Jesus Christ, this goes WAY beyond pointing the finger at someone who stole a cookie from the cookie jar.

**Harry Potter:** Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

**Hermione Jean Granger:** What? No one did – it was just an example!

**Harry Potter: **Oh. Now I really want a cookie.

(**Ronald Weasley** likes this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger:** FOCUS!

**Harry Potter: **Sorry, Ron, but I'm going to have to side with Hermione on this. Riddle was going to be sent back to some Muggle orphanage if Hogwarts closed. Can't blame the bastard for wanting to stay here.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** And you bumped into Hagrid in Knockturn Alley, right?

**Harry Potter:** Yeah, but he was buying some kind of slug…eating shit idk.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** is about to break the silence with the knottiest question of all.

**Harry Potter:** Honestly, Hermione? What the fuck. What do you want to say.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Should we go and ask Hagrid about this?

**Ronald Weasley:** Oh yeah, that'll be a happy visit: Hello, Hagrid, please, give us the deets about your setting a murderous beast around the castle!

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Ugh, fair point. Okay, let's just not say anything unless there's another attack. Agreed?

**Harry Potter:** Awesome.

**Ronald Weasley:** Goody – let's go find some cookies!

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** it's almost like somebody is controlling the timeline of our lives and speeding it up and slowing it down at his or her own will. Thoughts?

(**J.R. Rowling **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley:** Stupid.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Well, at least nobody's been attacked these past four months!

**Ernie Macmillan:** Could you so very kindly pass a bucket of leaping toadstools?

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

**Harry PotterL** Yayzies! Things are finally back to normal! Even Peeves has gotten tired of that shitty "Oh, Potter, you rotter" song!

**Peeves the Poltergeist: **I'll think of something even better, or I can just go to ol' standby "Pothead Scarfuck" – that's a real crowd pleaser.

(**Hedwig the Owl** likes this.)

**Harry Potter:** le sigh.

* * *

**Several of the Mandrakes of Greenhouse Three** created the event Loud and raucous party in greenhouse three in March!

* * *

**Pomona Sprout** is very happy with **Several of the Mandrakes of Greenhouse Three**! =) Keep trying to get into each other's pots!

(**Several of the Mandrakes of Greenhouse Three** likes this.)

**Harry Potter:** Dirty?

(**45 others** like this.)

**Pomona Sprout:** Ugh, you stupid child – it's when they'll be fully mature and then we can revive all those kids in the hospital wing. Do you pay attention at all in class?

**Harry Potter:** Nope!

**Pomona Sprout:** *sigh* I'm getting too old for this shit.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** is now choosing classes for third year! Literally cannot contain myself.

**Ronald Weasley:** Freak.

**Harry Potter:** ^What he said.

** Hermione Jean Granger** BOYS – it could affect our whole FUTURE!

**Harry Potter:** I don't give a shit about that – I just want to drop Potions.

**Severus Snape:** Don't we all, Potter, DON'T WE ALL.

**Harry Potter:** Fuck off, Snape, this is a status of a twelve-year-old girl. Kind of suspicious for you to be commenting on it.

**Severus Snape:** I literally cannot stand you.

**Harry Potter:** Then why don't you join that stupid FUCK group like everyone else who has a hatred for me.

**Severus Snape: **DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, YOU OBNOXIOUS CRETIN! And I will not join a group that was started by a psychotic owl; it goes against my principles.

**Harry Potter:** Oh, you mean those same principles that say it's a-okay for you to bully a small child?

**Severus Snape:** Go fuck yourself. YOU'LL THANK ME FOR EVERYTHING IN THE END.

**Harry Potter:** Huh?

**Ronald Weasley:** ANYWAY BRINGING THE SUBJECT BACK TO THE TRIO: we have to keep all our old subjects. Trust me, I wish we could drop some of our current subjects because I SO would've dropped DADA.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** EXCUSE ME? That subject is SO important!

**Ronald Weasley:** Um, I haven't learned a damn thing from Fuckprat except not to set pixies loose. He sucks.

* * *

**Neville Longbottom** has been bombarded with letters from the Longbottoms on what to do for classes! Kind of freaking out! And is Arithmancy harder than Ancient Runes? T_T

* * *

**Dean Thomas** totally picked his classes for next year by just randomly jabbing my wand at the list and picking the ones it landed on.

(**Harry Potter**, **Ronald Weasley**, and **143 others** like this.)

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** I SIGNED UP FOR EVERYTHING ^_^

(**Percy Weasley** likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wonders what **Vernon Dursley** and **Petunia Dursley** would say if I tried to discuss my career in wizardry with them LOL.

**Vernon Dursley:** Well, let's just say we'd take a leaflet out of your crazy owl's book and cut you up with a spork.

**Petunia Dursley:** I'd make you do housework until your limbs fall off. And then cut you up with a spork.

**Vernon Dursley:** Oh, good call, honey, that way he'll be used up and be even more useless before we kill him off. It's brill.

**Petunia Dursley:** ^_^

**Harry Potter:** YOU KNOW I DIDN'T ASK YOU FOR ADVICE, RIGHT?

**Vernon Dursley:** Doesn't matter – you were thinking it, thus, you must be punished. You're going to have a shitload of fun when you get back 4 Privet Drive.

(**Petunia Dursley** and **Dudley** **Dursley** like this.)

**Harry PotterL** -_-

* * *

**Percy Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I'm going to force some advice on you, okay?

**Harry Potter:** I'd rather you not…

**Percy Weasley:** It all depends on where you want to GO – it's never too early to start thinking about the future!

** Hermione Jean Granger:** likes this.

**Harry Potter:** OH JUST GO GET FUCKING MARRIED, WHY DON'T YOU?

**Percy Weasley:** Play your strengths, Harry!

* * *

**Percy Weasley** and **Hermione Jean Granger** are married.

**Harry Potter:** I'm really sorry I suggested this.

**Ronald Weasley:** O_O I'm going to puke EVERYWHERE. What the FUCK is this shit? YOU HAVE A FOUR YEAR AGE DIFFERENCE!

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Oh, Ron, pull yourself together! It's not serious. We just share a lot of the same beliefs. It's only natural that we have a union of sorts.

**Harry Potter:** I'm with Ron on this – it's disgusting. I'll have to report this, I'm sorry.

**Ronald Weasley:** I'll report it too. Get it done faster.

* * *

**Percy Weasley** and **Hermione Jean Granger** are divorced.

(**Ronald Weasley**, **Harry Potter**, **Fred Weasley**, **George Weasley** and **456 others** like this.)

**Ronald Weasley**: Good riddance.

* * *

**Harry Potter** I only feel really good in Quidditch…sooooo I'm just gonna pick the same subjects as **Ronald Weasley** because at least if I suck at them, I'll have someone friendly to help me.

(**Ronald Weasley** likes this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger: **He's hardly going to help you; he barely passes as it is.

**Harry Potter:** Hey, don't be jeal jeal of our friendship.

(**Ronald Weasley** likes this.)

**Dudley Dursley:** I wish I could just hack your Facebook and change your preferences to "Men" and force you to admit your relationship with this Rupert person.

**Ronald Weasley:** YOU'VE KNOWN ME FOR A YEAR – YOU KNOW MY NAME.

**Dudley Dursley:** Like I give a shit.

**Harry Potter:** Dudley, go away. This is starting to force me to believe that you are, in fact, JEALOUS of my friendship with Ron, or maybe you even love Ron yourself. Whatever. The point is you just wish you were as fabulous as we are.

**Dudley Dursley:** I'm vomiting more than I did when I saw that picture of the kid Hedwig mutilated. I may just lose 100 pounds yet.

**Harry Potter:** While you're at it, go choke.

* * *

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Alright, listen up, guys. We're playing Hufflepuff is our next game, so we have to practice every night until then.

**Fred Weasley** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Are you serious right now? Are you for real? HUFFLEPUFF? We shouldn't be having practice at all!

**George Weasley** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: I concur. Let's play drinking games on the field!

**Fred Weasley **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: I wish we could like comments on groups.

**George Weasley **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: ikr? That would be really great.

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: ENOUGH – WE'RE PRACTICING EVERYDAY AND THAT'S FINAL.

* * *

**Harry Potter** doesn't have time for anything but Quidditch and homework. But I'm not really doing homework so it's just Quidditch.

(**Oliver Wood **and **Ronald Weasley **like this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger:** le sigh. I need a dislike button, stat.

* * *

**Neville Longbottom **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: HARRY! I'M SO SORRY IDK WHAT HAPPENED AND WHO DID IT I JUST WALKED INTO THE ROOM AND I JUST SEE THIS HOLY SHITCRACKERS WHAT

**Harry Potter:** Sorry for pushing you off the computer, Neville, but you really need to calm the fuck down. Just show me what you're babbling about.

* * *

**Harry Potter** O_O Holy SHIT my room was ransacked!

**Neville Longbottom:** T_T TOLD YOU IT WAS BAD.

**Ronald Weasley:** Somebody's been looking for something.

**Harry Potter:** Yeah…that's the general meaning of "ransacked"…someone was searching through my shit in order to find something worthy of being stolen.

**Ronald Weasley:** Oh, right, heh. WAIT. FUCK. IS THE COLLECTION OF NASTY WITCHES STILL THERE?

**Harry Potter:** YES IT IS. Thank the fucking lord – but this definitely narrows down the list of suspects to just girls because any guy, sane or insane, would find this collection worth stealing.

**Ronald Weasley:** That's such a relief X3

**Hermione Jean Granger:** So nothing was stolen?

**Harry Potter:** Oh, no, Riddle's Diary is gone.

**Ronald Weasley:** WHAT?

**Harry Potter:** Let's take this convo off my status. Too public.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: So, this is pretty bizarre that Tom Riddle's Diary was just stolen from my room…

**Hermione Jean Granger:** I am aghast at this piece of news!

**Harry Potter:** *rolls eyes* yeah, yeah. Who could've stolen it though?

**Ronald Weasley:** Definitely a girl.

**Harry Potter:** Def.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** …DEFINITELY A GRYFFINDOR. The dorm is protected by a password – only a Gryffindor can get in! Did you seriously eliminate boys before eliminating the other houses? You guys are idiots.

**Harry Potter: **Exactly.

**Harry Potter:** I MEAN TO THE DEFINITELY A GRYFFINDOR PART. WE ARE NOT IDIOTS.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** *headdesk*

* * *

**Harry Potter** likes awaking to brilliant sunshine and a light, refreshing breeze.

(**Oliver Wood** likes this.)

**Dudley Dursley:** Oh my god, your sad attempts of being descriptive make me sick to my stomach.

**Harry Potter:** Good, I'd be doing the world a favor.

**Dudley Dursley:** Ha, ha, very funny, Pothead. NOT. You think you're so clever with your silly adjectives and your unoriginal insults to my weight. Well, you know what, you, Harry Potheadfucklame-o are nothing but a stupid bitch.

(**Hedwig the Owl** likes this.)

**Oliver Wood:** PERFECT QUIDDITCH CONDITIONS!

* * *

**Oliver Wood** sent **Harry Potter**, **Fred Weasley**, **George Weasley**, **Angelina Johnson**, **Alicia Spinnet**, and **Katie Bell** loaded plates of scrambled eggs.

**Oliver Wood** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Buck up there – you need a decent breakfast!

* * *

**Harry Potter** is wondering if the thief of **T.M. Riddle's Diary** is sitting at the Gryffindor table RIGHT NOW.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Omg, just report the damn robbery.

**Harry Potter:** Totez a bad idea – I'd have to tell a teacher all about the diary and have to admit to knowing Hagrid's expulsion and shit – I don't want to bring up anything.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Like you're not already doing that by posting this on a public forum…

* * *

**Harry Potter** OH FUCK I HEAR THE CREEPY VOICE AGAIN (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley:** YOU NEED A FILTER – YOU CANNOT ADVERTISE THIS.

**Harry Potter** You don't hear it?

** Ronald Weasley:** NO.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** GASSSPPPPPP! I THINK I'VE JUST UNDERSTOOD SOMETHING. BRB LIBRARY.

** Harry Potter:** Do you maybe want to share…?

** Ronald Weasley:** Too late, she's gone.

**Harry Potter:** Meh, *what* does she understand?

**Ronald Weasley:** A lot more than I do.

**Harry Potter:** ik same. I hate when she leaves us like this.

**Ronald Weasley:** What can you do. It's like her MO – when in doubt, go to the library. Best not to question it anymore.

**Harry Potter:** Right on.

**Ronald Weasley:** You better get a move on, mister – it's almost eleven! The game's gonna start.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is rather worried about hearing the voice again, but I'm reassured that nothing can happen because everyone is safely outside on the pitch.

**Hermione Jean Granger:** I'm not on the pitch.

** Harry Potter: **Yep, all is well.

* * *

**Rolanda Hooch** get ready for the Gyffindor vs. Hufflepuff match! (sent from mobile)

(**Oliver Wood** and **1,050 others** like this.)

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **THE MATCH HAS BEEN CANCELLED! (sent from mobile)

**Oliver Wood:** WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY? WE HAVE TO PLAY TO WIN THE CUP!

**Minerva McGonagall:** ALL STUDENTS GET THEIR ASSES BACK TO THE HOUSE COMMON ROOMS WHERE THE HEADS OF HOUSES WILL GIVE THEM FURTHER INFO. ASAP – THAT MEANS NOW, YOU LITTLE SHITS.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Yeah…you better come with me, Potter.

**Ronald Weasley:** What's going on?

**Minerva McGonagall:** I suppose you better come as well…since you two are her only friends.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: This is going to be a bit of a shock – there's been another attack. It was a double, actually.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Hey, it's that girl whom you stupidly asked directions from earlier in the year when we were pretending to be Crabbe and Goyle.

**Ronald Weasley:** Oh yeah. What a coinky-dink.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** \O/ **Hermione Jean Granger** IS PETRIFIED WHAT IS THIS (sent from mobile)

**Minerva McGonagall:** They were found near the library. With a mirror, which is rather peculiar since Granger clearly never gives a rat's arse about her appearance. Can you explain this?

**Harry Potter:** No…

**Minerva McGonagall:** Shouldn't be surprised by that, I suppose. Alright, I'll take you back to the Gryffindor Tower – have to make an announcement.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on GRYFFINDOR HOUSE!'s wall: HERE'S THE DEAL: lockdown is at eighteen-hundred hours. No student is to leave the dorms after that. You will be escorted EVERYWHERE with a teacher. That's right, even the bathrooms! All future Quidditch practices/matches are postponed – no more night activities. THAT IS ALL.

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on GRYFFINDOR HOUSE!'s wall: Alright, that's not all I have to say. I'm pretty fucking distressed about this – the school will probably be closed if the little fucker behind these attacks isn't caught. So if you think you know ANYTHING, please let the staff know. Kthx.

* * *

**Lee Jordan **wrote on GRYFFINDOR HOUSE!'s wall: Okay, body count: 2 Gryffs, not including Nick, 1 Ravenclaw, and 1 Hufflepuff. Hasn't anyone realized that the Slytherins are completely safe? I mean the entire situation screams DARK EVIL MAGIC, COPYRIGHT OF SLYTHERIN. I say we should chuck them all out.

**Fred Weasley** wrote on GRYFFINDOR HOUSE!'s wall: I think I speak for everyone when I saw that I wish we could like your comment!

* * *

**Percy Weasley** is in complete and utter shock.

* * *

**George Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: So yeah, Percy's in shock – the Ravenclaw was a prefect named Penelope Clearwater. I don't think he thought the monster would *dare* attacked a prefect.

**Harry Potter:** Wait, her Facebook name reads "Girl with long, curly hair" though…

**George Weasley:** I know – she's very private about her settings.

**Harry Potter:** Weird…

* * *

**Harry Potter** cannot stop picturing **Hermione Jean Granger** in the hospital wing – if this asshole doesn't stop, I'll be looking at a lifetime at the Dursleys. FUCK ME.

**Ronald Weasley:** What the hell are we gonna do? Is Hagrid being suspected?

**Harry Potter:** Ugh, who knows. But we have to talk to him – I really can't believe he did this, but if he set the monster loose last time then he has to know how to get inside the Chamber of Secrets. That's a start.

**Ronald Weasley:** I feel like Hermione would insult you for your logic, but since she's not around to pester us, I'm going to go along with it. Oh, and we can't exactly leave – McGonagall said we have to stay in the tower at all times. Except for classes.

**Harry Potter:** Time to get my dad's cloak out again! X3

**Ronald Weasley: **Yayzies!

* * *

**Harry Potter** sneakin' out with **Ronald Weasley** – feelin' like bad ass motherfuckas. (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley** likes this.)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** LWKFDJLSDJFKLASDKFJ FUCKING SHITFUCK HELL IN A HANDBASKET OWWWCHCHHHHH STUBBED MY TOE! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter:** Oh my god, do you realize that Snape was standing a FOOT away from us? We're so fucking lucky that Snape sneezed at the perfect moment. Yeesh. Keep your shit together we're almost out of the castle.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Knock, knock!

**Rubeus Hagrid:** What the fuck are you two doing here?

**Harry Potter:** O_O Nice crossbow…what the hell's THAT for?

**Rubeus Hagrid:** Nothing…I'm maybe expecting…eh, doesn't matter. Get inside I'll make some tea.

**Harry Potter:** I hate it when you do that – you know we're going to find out everything soon enough.

**Rubeus Hagrid:** Mehmehmeh.

**Harry Potter:** Er…are you alright? You're kind of a mess right now – spilling water and breaking everything and shit. Did you hear about Hermione?

**Rubeus Hagrid:** Of course I heard – everyone knows. Dummy.

** Rubeus Hagrid:** SHIT – THE DOOR.

* * *

**Harry Potter** sent **Ronald Weasley** a panic-stricken look.

**Ronald Weasley** sent **Harry Potter** a panic-stricken look.

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: OMFG HIDE NOW STOP FUCKING AROUND ON FB!

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Evenin'.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: SHIT! That's Dad's boss! Cornelius Fudge – the Minister of Magic!

**Harry Potter** sent **Ronald Weasley** an elbow to the gut to make him stfu.

* * *

**Minister Cornelius Fudge** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Bad business, Hagrid, real bad. Things have gone too far – the Ministry has to act. Four attacks later. Yep.

**Rubeus Hagrid:** But I NEVER! Professor Dumbledore knows!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** Just want to put on the record that I trust Hagrid 150%.

**Minister Cornelius Fudge:** Yeah, that's kind of an issue to begin with. Especially since his record is totally against him and the school governors have been in touch…

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** Taking Hagrid away won't do anything.

**Minister Cornelius Fudge:** The Ministry has to look like it's doing something to prevent all these shenanigans – look at it from where I'm standing as Minister of Magic. I'm under a ton of pressure, which is typical of a Minister. I have to make it seem like we're doing something even though we may not, so I'm taking Hagrid.

**Rubeus Hagrid:** Take me? Where?

**Minister Cornelius Fudge:** Oh, it's just for a short time…just a precaution, really. If this is all a big misunderstanding then you'll be released with a full apology, yadda yadda, etc.

**Rubeus Hagrid: **ARE YOU FOR REAL – AZKABAN? HELL TO THE NAW.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** I'll get the door!

* * *

**Harry Potter** *GASP!* (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley** sent **Harry Potter **an elbow to the gut to make him stfu.

* * *

**Lucius Malfoy** wrote on **Minister Cornelius Fudge**'s wall: Oh, you're already here, good, good.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** wrote on **Lucius Malfoy**'s wall: What are YOU doing here? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, BITCH.

**Lucius Malfoy:** Trust me, this is the last place where I want to be. Can you even CALL this shed a house? I only called the school and was told that Dumbledore was here.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: **What the hell do you want with me.

**Lucius Malfoy:** Oh, it's a DREADFUL thing, but the governors feels it's time for you to gtfo. Here's an Order of Suspension – all twelve signatures that were legally acquired. We feel that you're losing your touch. And your mind, to be quite frank. At this rate there won't be any Muggle-borns left at Hogwarts, which would be SUCH a shame…

**Minister Cornelius Fudge:** Wait a sec, Lucius, we can't just suspend Dumbledore – totally not good for morale.

**Lucius Malfoy:** You can't, but the governors can – it's in our abilities to appoint and suspend the headmaster. And since Dumbledore has utterly failed to stop these attacks…

**Minister Cornelius Fudge:** But come on. Let's get serious here. If Dumbledore here can't stop them…then who the hell CAN?

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** likes this.)

**Lucius Malfoy:** That's the point hehe I MEAN THAT REMAINS TO BE SEEN. But all twelve have voted, so.

**Rubeus Hagrid:** And how many of them did you have to threaten to get about THAT result?

**Lucius Malfoy:** You better watch that temper and mouth of yours, you great oaf. The guards of Azkaban won't like that, no siree.

**Rubeus Hagrid:** YOU CAN'T TAKE DUMBLEDORE! IT'LL BE A MASSACRE AT HOGWARTS WITHOUT HIM!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** Hagrid, cool your jets. If the governors want my removal *cough*MALFOY*cough* then I will have to oblige.

**Minister Cornelius Fudge:** FUCK.

**Rubeus Hagrid:** NO!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: **HOWEVER. I will have peaced out of this school for realz when none of my peeps are loyal to me. And aid will always be given to those who ask.

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** is totez staring at **Harry Potter **and **Ronald Weasley** creepin' in the corner! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Lucius Malfoy** wrote on **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**'s wall: Admirable sentiments from the crazy. We shall miss your…"highly individual" ways of running things. Let's hope that your successor will manage to prevent any killings.

**Rubeus Hagrid:** FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO KNOW ANYTHING IMPORTANT – JUST FOLLOW THE SPIDERS.

**Minister Cornelius Fudge:** O_O

**Rubeus Hagrid:** Okay, I'm leaving. AND SOMEONE HAS TO FEED FANG!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Um, the school's fucked. There WILL be an attack a day without Dumbledore here. Might as well pack our bags and leave because the school should close tonight. Shit.

* * *

**Fang** HAGRID! *sobs*

* * *

A/N: Please review! Remember, we're in possession of Hedwig...not that the fierce bitch can be tamed, but she's on our side when it comes to wanting reviews.

D+K


	8. Part VIII

A/N: Second to last part!

Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

Chapter Fifteen

**Harry Potter **look at how summer is ever so gently creeping over the grounds around the castle! The sky and lake alike are turning periwinkle blue and flowers large as cabbages are bursting into bloom! (sent from mobile)

**Dursley Dudley: **NO SRSLY. WTF.

**Ronald Weasley: **Harry, you're literally forcing me to AGREE with Dudley. This isn't cool. What the fuck is wrong with you? Hagrid was just sent to AZKABAN, Dumbledore was SUSPENDED, and there is currently a giant beast haunting the castle – without ANY form of protection we are all going to die. And you update your status about fucking periwinkle colored flowers? Really? How is that helping morale? You sound like Lockfuck.

(**Gilderoy Lockhart** likes this.)

**Harry Potter: **I said the lake was periwinkle blue not the flowers…they're as large as cabbages bursting into bloom…

**Gilderoy Lockhart:** A stellar comparison, Ronald, my good man! I do feel that young Harry and I are kindred spirits when it comes to raising morale! But I do believe you spelled my name incorrectly! The "f" and "h" are quite close, as I understand. I believe I heard they were having an affair not too long ago! Not too long ago at all, so it's not a mystery as to why they'd be quite intimate, getting in the way of your stubby little fingers, Ronald, and causing you to misspell the first letter of my name! And what about those nasty "u" and "a"? They're a couple of twins always getting into some dastardly deeds, switching places with their trickery and whatnot! But who could ever forget the "c" and the "r," my dear, Ronald? Practically brothers on the keyboard! An honest mistake. Oh, and not to leave out the most brain-scrambling mix-up of all – the "k" and the "t"! They're always getting in each others way, aren't they? Ah, but they're family, they're family, my dear boy! We all have our issues. Yes we do…

**Ronald Weasley: **Yes, YOU fucking do. I'm speechless. I'm…I'm actually fucking speechless. Do you mean to tell me you truly believe any of those keys are close together? Because I'm looking down and you couldn't have chosen any more of a BAT SHIT CRAZIER excuse as to why I typed your name "Lockfuck" instead of "Lockhart." Seriously…are you on medication? If you are – GET THE FUCK OFF OF IT. And if you're not, you better start, man.

**Dudley Dursley: **What…what? Wait, I fucking hate your guts Weasel but can you just tell me…that guy's a professor, isn't he? Is he…a "special" professor? You know, perhaps a "special" man on his way out, granted a last wish or something?

**Ronald Weasley: **I wish. He's not even fucking with us. That's his…personality.

**Dudley Dursley: **Shit. I'm out of here. Harry? I don't even understand how your balls are still in proper working order. I would've thought that your brain would at least send a message that it was time to haul out once it detected your fingers spelling out the word "periwinkle." You are such a fucking loser.

**Harry Potter: **Bite me.

**Dudley Dursley: **You'd like that, wouldn't you?

**Harry Potter: **Mermermer.

**Ronald Weasley: **Let's just go visit Hermione, you little shit.

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

* * *

**Poppy Pomfrey **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Um, no effing way. Visitors are now barred from the hospital wing. We're taking no more chances! There's every change the attacker might come back to finish these people off so just git!

**Ronald Weasley: **Fine, whatevs. I don't even care much.

**Poppy Pomfrey: **So why do you keep crying outside of the hospital wing doors? Why did you slip me a knut under the door with a note attached saying, "This should ensure you take care of Hermione the mo

**Harry Potter: **RON! You're going to get expelled for wrestling a phone out of an authority figure's hands. Plus, we already saw all of what she said. You're bribing – poorly, but bribing – Pomfrey to take care of Hermione. It's sweet.

**Ronald Weasley: **It's not true!

**Harry Potter: **HAHAHA YES IT IS WRITTEN PROOF AND I LIED TWO SECONDS AGO ITS NOT SWEET ITS FUCKING LAME HAHAAHAHAHA

**Ronald Weasley: **-_- She's lying to embarrass me!

**Poppy Pomfrey: **Oh, yes, I live to embarrass nasty little ginger kids. Sheesh, gtfo before you start burning everyone's open retinas with your fiery red ginger soul!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Srsly, Ron, let's go. Ginger souls are the vilest souls of all and everybody knows that. If you really care about Hermione you'll leave.

**Ronald Weasley: **WELL I DON'T CARE ABOUT HER. So that means I should WHAT? Let's go.

**Harry Potter: **?

**Poppy Pomfrey **There's not enough Advil….

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Let's think…the last thing Dumbledore said to be was that he would only truly have left this school when none here are loyal to him! And help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.

**Ronald Weasley: **Yes, I was there, dipshit. No need to repeat every word like it's fuckin gold. I mean, where's the help, huh? If I had a nickel for every time Dumbledore made grand statements like that without coming through, I'd still be dirt poor.

**Harry Potter: **You're insufferable.

**Ronald Weasley: **Great, you let your undying love for Dumbledore cause you to sound like Hermione. Like I need that right now!

**Harry Potter: **Like you don't! You want some Hermione, stat. Bow chika wow woooowww

**Ronald Weasley: **And you want Dumbledore's dick in your mouth! How about that? But we can't all get what we want, can we, now!

**Harry Potter: **Hostile.

**Ronald Weasley: **Omg, yet you don't deny that HOPEFULLY FALSE statement!

**Harry Potter: **Let's not think about that now, whatever.

**Ronald Weasley: **Deny it right now, Harry – say that you don't kind of want to have sex with Dumbledore.

**Harry Potter: **Ron, I'm not even going to give you the benefit of…I mean, that's…that's outrageous

**Ronald Weasley: **SAY IT

**Harry Potter: **NO

**Ronald Weasley: **We're not continuing this conversation until you admit it or deny it and I know you _really _want to continue this conversation because it's about your good old buddy, Dumblefuck.

**Harry Potter: **YOU CAN'T JUST ADD FUCK TO EVERYBODY'S LAST NAME!

**Ronald Weasley: **Don't change the subject!

**Harry Potter: **FINE SOMETIMES I WONDER ABOUT IT

** Ronald Weasley: **WHAT?

**Harry Potter: **MOVING ON.

**Ronald Weasley: **You massacred me for worrying about Hermione and you don't think I'm going to jump all over this pedophilia-reeking pile of shit?

**Harry Potter: **Well, I guess you want Hermione to know how much you really care about her.

**Ronald Weasley: **YOU CAN NEVER TELL OR WE'RE NOT BEST FRIENDS.

**Harry Potter: **Then we keep each other's secrets.

**Ronald Weasley: **Deal. Let's continue, as I was saying…I don't know why you even rely on that old fuck he's probably rotting away somewhere. Seriously he's old as shit! He probably died, Harry. Let's just move on. Your elderly lover has passed.

**Harry Potter: **SHUT UP I JUST SAID I WONDERED

**Ronald Weasley: **Alright, fine. This is really something we CANNOT move past, but I will force myself to because you're famous and shit. And even after almost two years, that damn scar still gets me every time, no lie.

**Harry Potter: **;)

**Ronald Weasley: **Oh, stfu. Now onto Hagrid's "hint," you know, the one about the spiders that makes me think Hagrid ripped into my brain and nicked my darkest nightmares…

**Harry Potter: **We just have to keep searching for spiders, that's all.

**Ronald Weasley: **OH, THAT'S ALL, THEN! I suppose next you're going to tell me ALL we're going to do is have a threesome with Dumbledore, huh? No, no, it'll be fine. It'll be cool. He's limber. WELL I CAN'T DO THAT, HARRY. I WILL FOLLOW YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF THE EARTH AND BRUSH FINGERTIPS WITH THE LIKES OF DEATH BUT I WILL NOT ENTER INTO YOUR PERVERTED, TWISTED AND PSYCHOTIC MANEFESTATION OF THE FATHERLY RELATIONSHIP YOU NEVER HAD! WELL I WON'T HAVE IT, HARRY.

**Harry Potter: **I thought we were talking about following spiders?

**Ronald Weasley: **OH, WE ARE. We're talking about following your inner demon, which is your inability to come to terms with your sexuality, which manifests itself in an inappropriate relationship with an older male. Seriously, Harry? Do you even listen to ANYTHING I say?

**Harry Potter: **You're totally ruining EVERYTHING for me, Ron.

**Ronald Weasley: **OH AM I RUINING YOUR SEXUAL FANTASIES WITH DUMBLEDORE? How how how how are we friends? Like, it's totally fine if you're into dudes, Harry! I think Dudley picked up on it long, long ago. As long as you're not hitting on me, we're cool! I'll even set you up with a nice young whippersnapper your age. But Dumbledore? That's fucking nasty, okay?

**Harry Potter: **Roooonnnn I'm just kidding about all of this.

**Ronald Weasley: **But you're not, so let's just move on until you can handle this realization in your own head. I'm here for you. Stop running from it, you'll only find pain around every corner.

**Harry Potter: **I'm sorry, since when did you write the book on the crises affecting gay wizards in Britain?

**Ronald Weasley: **Um, a million years ago, Harry. I'm not as dumb as I look.

**Harry Potter: **Well I don't need your help because I love girls a lot. Oh, was that just Cho Chang? Sexy. Yummerz.

**Ronald Weasley: **Harry, please, it's embarrassing.

**Harry Potter: **No, I am so totally after that hot ticket. Woot, woot. She is getting some later. And by later I mean when we are both of a consensual age, like fifteen or something.

**Ronald Weasley: **Fifteen, huh?

**Harry Potter: **Do you think it's too soon? I pictured us touching lips under a mistletoe or something super romantic like that…oh, how can I possibly wait to feel the lips of a girl? It is all that I dream about. Mmmm, her soft lady lips are calling me.

**Ronald Weasley: **Okay, I did not think you meant kissing. Right, so now it's just getting pathetic and sad. I have attempted to move this conversation onto…less intrusive topics for two twelve year old boys and you're not really working with me so I'm gonna go…k bye.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is finding it rather irksome that all of these teachers are escorting us to class! Some people have private business to attend to! (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley: **Oh, geez.

**Harry Potter: **Looking for the spiders!

**Ronald Weasley: **The "spiders" or the spiders?

**Harry Potter: **THE SPIDERS.

**Ronald Weasley: **Alright, just checking. So, officially, the last twenty minutes on Facebook…didn't happen. Okay? We're ending it forrealz.

**Harry Potter: **What past twenty minutes on Facebook? ;)

**Ronald Weasley: **Omg when you wink it defeats the purpose…forget it.

**Harry Potter: **Anyway, the spiders…It's very difficult to search when everyone's breathing down my neck, yo.

**Ronald Weasley: **Well, one person is enjoying this…Dracockface Malfuck.

**Harry Potter: **Yeah, ik. He's strutting around like he's Percy Fucking Weasley.

**Percy Weasley: **There can only be one!

**Ronald Weasley: ***headdesk*

**Draco Malfoy: **You know, I always thought Father might be the one who got rid of Dumbledore!

**Ronald Weasley: **GTFO, MALFUCK. You actually have the NERVE to post that on here? You're not doing yourself any favors, we totally already believe you're the heir to Slytherin – you probably got rid of Dumbledore so you could continue your reign of terror more easily.

**Draco Malfoy: **Oh, you fucking dumbass little shit. I'm a twelve-year-old boy, but by all means, continue spewing utter nonsense across the keyboard.

** Harry Potter: **I guess…I don't know, Ron…he kinda has a point…

**Ronald Weasley: **No, no, I'd prefer that we continue along our line of absurd reasoning…

**Harry Potter: **Alrighty.

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: Now, now, Malfoy...Professor Dumbledore has only been suspended by the governors. I daresay he'll be back with us soon.

**Harry Potter: **? Uncharacteristic of you.

**Severus Snape: **STFU this is an ABC conversation

**Draco Malfoy: **snickersnicker

**Harry Potter: **What?

**Severus Snape: **I'm A, Draco's B, so please C your way out!

**Harry Potter: **That is the lamest thing I've ever heard. You are so immature.

**Ronald Weasley: **Plus you totally stole that line from me…even lamer.

**Severus Snape: **GET THE FUCK OUT

**Harry Potter: **YOU HAVE PROBLEMS

**Severus Snape: **No shit! I'm arguing with a twelve year old!

(**Harry Potter**, **Ronald Weasley**, and **50,000 **others like this.)

**Draco Malfoy **Well, you'd be chosen to replace Dumbldore, sir. You'd have father's vote!

**Seamus Finnigan: **ugh, vomit.

(**Ronald Weasley **and **Harry Potter **like this.)

**Harry Potter: **Kind of random Seamus, but I like it.

**Draco Malfoy: **Snape told you to get out! You know what, I'm quite surprised the Mudbloods haven't all packed their bags by now! Bet you five Galleons the next one dies (Pay attention, Ron, you can gather your whole dumbass ginger family together to fight to the death for the coins). Too bad it wasn't Granger though…

**Ronald Weasley: **I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU FOR INSULTING THE ECONOMIC STATE OF MY FAMILY IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR VILE COMMENTS ABOUT HERMIONE

**Harry Potter: **Oh, give it a rest. We alllll know.

**Severus Snape: **All of you stfu because I have to walk you to Herbology. So fucking stupid…

**Harry Potter: **Why don't you just do your job with a grin on your face, eh?

**Severus Snape: **You're going to die.

**Harry Potter: **Why, because you're going to release your big scary monster on me?

**Severus Snape: **Omg, yes, yes, yes, I am obviously the Heir. Obviously. IF I WAS YOU WOULD ALREADY BE DEAD.

**Harry Potter: **True…

**Severus Snape: **No, I'm serious. You would be the ONLY one dead. And Weasley.

**Ronald Weasley: **Why me?

**Severus Snape: **Ginger.

(**Poppy Pomfrey **likes this.)

**Severus Snape: **You know what, and Flitwick. That guy's such a weirdo.

**Filius Flitwick: **HAAAAY!

**Harry Potter: **What about Lockhart?

**Severus Snape: **Whatever monster I possessed would actually get food poisoning from that flamboyant little shit. Plus, I'd like to watch the light extinguish from his eyes myself.

**Harry Potter: **Wait that's actually really scary.

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Oh, Severus, you little devil. Hehehe

**Harry Potter: **Nope, that's the scariest thing I've ever read.

**Severus Snape: **See? What the fuck IS that? He's mentally challenged; it's not even fair.

* * *

**Pomona Sprout** wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Alright, everybody! Get to work on pruning the Abyssinian Shrivelfigs!

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Excuse me, what?

**Pomona Sprout** wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Just get to work; I'm too tired to explain. You know, working with these mandrakes is very time consuming and exhausting! So I just throw you guys some spinach plants and call it something magic-y. Is that alright with you, Weasley?

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: -_-

* * *

**Ernie Macmillan **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Harry, I just wanted to say that I am quite sorry that I ever suspected you. I know you'd never attack Hermione Granger, because you spend such a god awful amount of time with her – none of us can understand that, but we surely know you would've murdered her long before this present time if you'd really wanted to.

**Ronald Weasley: **So true.

**Harry Potter: **Alright, thanks, Ernie.

**Ernie Macmillan: **BESTIES!

(**Hannah Abbott **likes this.)

**Harry Potter: **Um…no.

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

**Ernie Macmillan: **So, I kinda have this little theory about Draco Malfoy…

**Ronald Weasley: **You pretentious fuck, we came up with that ages ago.

**Harry Potter: **Sh, cool it, Ron! I mean, we're not going to be best friends with the guy, but it would be _nice _to have someone on my side for a change!

**Ernie Macmillan: **So do you think it's Draco, Harry?

**Harry Potter: **No.

**Ernie Macmillan: **?

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Oh, shit! Look, it's the spiders!

**Ronald Weasley: **Would ya look at that? Well, too bad, so sad, we can't follow them now…we're in class and everything…

**Harry Potter: **Since when are you interested in remaining in class? You little coward.

**Ernie Macmillan: **Meh?

**Ronald Weasley: **ERNIE, WE MOVED THIS CONVERSATION TO HARRY'S WALL FOR SOME PRIVACY, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET THE HINT!

**Harry Potter: **Anyway, it looks like they're heading towards the Forbidden Forest…

**Hannah Abbott: **What's heading for the Forbidden Forest?

**Ronald Weasley: **Hannah, you nosy little shit, gtfo! And don't make me tell you twice!

**Hannah Abbott: **:(

**Harry Potter: **Ron, we're never going to have other friends.

**Ronald Weasley: **Who needs 'em? Anyway, they're just Hufflepuffs.

**Harry Potter: **True…

* * *

**Pomona Sprout** wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Alright, off to Defense Against the Dark Arts, everyone…gotta walk you over…gah, so annoying…

**Harry Potter **wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Omg, you think one of the teachers would be interested in preserving our lives…

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Hay guyz! Just making sure you little dumplings are okay!

**Harry Potter **wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: I spoke too soon. Far too soon.

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: ^_^

**Harry Potter **wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: You aren't REAL.

**Pomona Sprout **wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Okay, seriously, get out of here, Lockhart. This is the last time I will talk to the Headmaster about the way you hacking into all of our private groups. THE LAST TIME. The next time, you're out on the front lawn ON YOUR FLAMBOYANT ASS.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: So, anyway, we'll have to use the Invisibility Cloak again. We can take Fang with us…

**Ronald Weasley: **Um…er…aren't there…um, supposed to be werewolves in the forest?  
(**Remus J. Lupin **likes this.)

**Harry Potter: **Um, hello? Random…person liking a common on my Facebook for no particular reason…I don't even remember Friending you…

** Severus Snape: **Oh fuck you.

**Harry Potter: **What?

**Severus Snape: **Not you! *He*knows I'm talking to him.  
(**Remus J. Lupin **likes this.)

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: HELLO MY WITTLE CHOCO CHIP MUFFINS!

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: No, like…you're fucking doing it on purpose at this point. You actually want to see if Snape's brain CAN explode. And if it can, I guarantee it will.

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's: Don't you all realize that the danger has passed? The culprit has been taken away, y'all!

**Dean Thomas **wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Says _who_, you dumb fuck?

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Listen cool cat, the Minister of Magic wouldn't have taken Hagrid out of the hizouse if he hadn't been one hundred and pimp-tastic percent sure he was guizzizle!

**Dean Thomas **wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: If you're talking that way because I'm black, I'm considering this a hate crime. And in case you think I'm joking, Professor Binns has been indefinitely suspended from this school.

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: I always speak like that, my black brother!

**Dean Thomas **wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: So wtf is up with THAT comment?

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: You're wearing a black robe!

**Dean Thomas **wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: WE ALL ARE.

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: That's why you're my brother, obvzzzzzz. Anywho, the big bad man is gone and we're all going to live happily ever after!

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: That's a load of horse shit.

* * *

**Harry Potter **oh, how I long so deeply to throw Gadding with Ghoulsright in Lockhart's stupid face (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley**, **Dean Thomas**, **Severus Snape**,and **234 others **like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Let's do it tonight.

**Ronald Weasley: **huh?

**Dudley Dursley: **o_O

**Harry Potter: **The fucking plan! Ron, seriously. I need you to stay with me here.

**Ronald Weasley: **-_-

* * *

**Harry Potter **wastin' time before "The Plan" is set into place…playin' Exploding Snaps with **Ronald Weasley**, **Fred Weasley**, and **George Weasley**…**Ginny Weasley **creepin' much? (sent from mobile)

**Ginny Weasley: **I'm just watching!

**Ronald Weasley: **Definition of 'creeping,' dumb shit baby good for nothing brat. And also, YOU'RE SITTING IN HERMIONE'S USUAL CHAIR GTFO NOW.

**Ginny Weasley: **? Hermione has a usual chair…that you were cognizant enough to notice?

**Ronald Weasley: **Everyone just LAY OFF.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Time to go old chap. On into the forest; the deep, dark, dank forest with all the creepy crawly spiders waiting to permeate your skin and LAY THEIR EGGS

**Ronald Weasley: **First of all, permeate? Really? And second of all, DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OR NOT?

**Harry Potter: **Just havin some fun ~_^

**Ronald Weasley: **Mer.

**Harry Potter: **Let's just get to Hagrid's, Ron.

* * *

**Fang **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I AM MAD WITH JOY TO SEE YOU RIGHT NOW HELLO THERE HOW ARE YOU IM GOOD JUST HANGIN OUT KEEPIN IT COOL NO I LIED IM NOT GOOD AT ALL HAGRID WAS MY BEST FRIEND MY LIFE IS OVER OMG HOLD ME PLEAAAAAAAAASEEEEEEEEEE

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Shit…he's fucking barking up a storm! Shove some of that treacle fudge in his mouth, it's so sticky!

**Fang: **SO YEAH WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT CAN I TALK WITH YOU TOO WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOISOJADADGJSOIJSDGIOAJSDADGS

**Ronald Weasley: **There ya go boy, there ya go.

**The Whomping Willow: **WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW?

**Harry Potter: **Omg, Willow, stfu right now! Why are you even stalking my Facebook?

**The Whomping Willow: **For your information I like to keep tabs on you, not for any reason like my association with a super secret group bent on causing your demise…I mean I know Hedwig and I are broken up and all but I still like to troll the group and act as a spy- I mean, what? OH YEAH, YOU'RE ABUSING THAT FUCKING DOG YOU SHIT HEAD!

**Harry Potter: **What? No, I'm not!

**The Whomping Willow: **TREACLE FUDGE? *FUDGE*? WHAT KIND OF PRICK ASS WIPE ARE YOU? CHOCOLATE COULD KILL HIM! AND YOU'RE SEALING HIS MOUTH SHUT SO HE'S GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE BREATHING PROPERLY! WHAT ARE WE TO YOU, SECOND CLASS CITIZENS? I BET YOU'D SAY IT'S UNNATURAL FOR US TO MARRY WHOMEVER WE DESIRE, EH?

**Harry Potter: **Okay, if anything YOU'RE a second class citizen to me, as you are A TREE.

**The Whomping Willow: **Such ignorance, SUCH IGNORANCE.

**Hedwig the Owl: **WELL, IF IT ISN'T POTTER UP TO HIS OLD TRICKS?

**The Whomping Willow: **Oh, hello, Hedwig!

**Hedwig the Owl: **Whomp, I'll take over from here – thanks. It means a lot that you still dedicate yourself to the group even though we've parted ways.

**The Whomping Willow: **Ay ay, captain ^_^

**Harry Potter: **Oh, stfu.

**Hedwig the Owl: **You'd like that, wouldn't you, dipshit? Yeah, you'd like that a whole fucking lot. You just wanna shut us all up, don't you? Why don't you shove some POISON into my beak, ya fuckin turd monster?

**Harry Potter: **Turd monster, really? Poison?

**Hedwig the Owl: **IT MIGHT AS WELL BE – CHOCOLATE IS POISON TO US.

**Harry Potter: **I'm pretty sure that's only dogs.

**Hedwig the Owl: **SO YOU ADMIT YOU TRIED TO POISON FANG?

**Harry Potter: **What? NO! I…it was just to keep him quiet for a bit.

**Hedwig the Owl: **Fuckin grimy ass no good douche lord. I'm reporting you.

**Harry Potter: **Go right ahead, Hedwig. You've earned your reputation as a psychotic loser nobody is going to take you seriously.

**Hedwig the Owl: **FUCK YOU.

**Harry Potter: **We're done here.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Fang**'s wall: Come on, Fang, we're going for a walk.

**Fang: **kmsdglmdsgmksdkgm

**Harry Potter: **Fang, you can type. Don't be so dramatic.

**Fang: **CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF POISON COURSING THROUGH MY BRAIN

**Hedwig the Owl: **New member?

**Fang: **You bet your sweet ass I am.

**Hedwig the Owl: **;)

**The Whomping Willow: **T_T

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: So I see a couple spiders, let's go!

**Ronald Weasley: **Wah.

**Harry Potter: **Can you handle this?

**Ronald Weasley: **We've come this fuckin far…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: WAH! WE'VE BEEN WALKING FOR HOURS!

**Harry Potter: **That didn't take long…

**Ronald Weasley: **We're sloping downwards!

**Fang: **BARK!

**Harry Potter: **Fang, what is it? Speak!

**Fang: **I can't MY MOUTH IS SEWN SHUT, YOU TORMENTOR.

**Harry Potter: **TYPE OUT WHAT YOU SEE, FANG.

**Fang: **No, can do. I see something alright but I ain't giving you SHIT to work with. BARK BARK BARK

**Ronald Weasley: **FANG! OMG!

**Fang: **What? What was that? I can't hear you, I'm a second class citizen. I don't DESERVE the sweet sound of your vocal cords in my primitive ears. BARKBARKBARKBAAAAAAAARK

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: K, that's clearly not getting us anywhere...there's something moving over there, I think…listen! It's something big…

**Ronald Weasley: **Oh, no…oh no oh no oh no

**Harry Potter: **SHUT UP!

**Ronald Weasley: **I WANNA GO HOME

**Fang: **BARK BARK BARK BARK

**Harry Potter: **Omg, everyone stfu!

**Fang: **BAAAAAAAAAAAAA- yelp!

**Harry Potter: **Shit, where did that light come from? Oh god, Fang's tangled in some thorns…

**Hedwig the Owl: **Like you give a shit…  
(**The Whomping Willow **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley: **Omg, Harry! It's our car!

**Harry Potter: **What?

**Ronald Weasley: **Just come on! Look – it's the Ford Anglia. It's been here the whole time! Look at it. The forest's turned it wild…yuck, all this mud…

**Ford Anglia: **Excuse me? Who invited this fucker?

**Hedwig the Owl: **Hey, Angie. I don't know. Nobody. He's a fucking tard, just like his friend four-eyes over there.

**The Whomping Willow: **Constantly making ignorant statements…for shame.

**Fang: **UH, I'M STILL TANGLED IN THORNS HERE, GUYS.

**Ronald Weasley: **Don't you remember me, Angie?

**Ford Anglia: **That's fucking *Ford* to you, Ginger. Learn some RESPECT. And no, I'm sorry you have so many fucking siblings that I can't tell any of you apart. All you Gingers look the same.

**Ronald Weasley: **Well, I've never!

**Ford Anglia: **Oh, wait…no, it's all coming back to me. YOU LEFT ME IN THE FOREST TO DIE.

**Ronald Weasley: **No, it wasn't like that!

**Ford Anglia: **You dumb shit, you WILL PAY FOR THIS – MY SPIDER FRIENDS, COME TO ME NOW, COME AND REJOICE IN THE FEAST I HAVE PROVIDED! MWAAAAAAHAHA

**Ronald Weasley: **Nooooooo!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Hey, Harry?

**Harry Potter: **Yes, Ron?

**Ronald Weasley **Are we…being carried to our death by a pack of mutant spiders?

**Harry Potter: **Yes, Ron. I believe so.

**Ronald Weasley **Oh, okay. Just checking.

**Ronald Weasley **Wait, Harry?

**Harry Potter: **Yes?

**Ronald Weasley: **AHHHHHHHH!

**Harry Potter: **AHHHHHHHH!

**Fang: **FUCK YOU TWO

* * *

**Marty **wrote on **Aragog**'s wall: Hey, Aragog, get over here. We got dinnnaahhhhh

**Harry Potter: **Really…Marty?

**Ronald Weasley: **DON'T FUCK WITH THEM, HARRY, SHEESH! I'M LITERALLY PISSING IN MY PANTS RIGHT NOW AND YOU'RE QUESTIONING HIS NAME

**Fang: **He's such a dumb shit, Ron, I'm crying!

**Ronald Weasley: **I'm so sorry I glued your mouth shut, Fang. Harry made me do it!

**Fang: **I know, I know!

**Aragog: **What is it, Marty? I just ate before! You're always bothering me at the most inopportune moments.

**Marty: **What were you doing?

**Aragog: **Watching Oprah, for your information. She was about to give out a bunch of cars, so move it along!

**Marty: **Ok, well, are you sure you aren't hungry?

**Aragog: **No, and unless it's Hagrid I don't really want anything to do with this.

**Marty: **Oh, okay, yeah it's just some skinny ass kids and their pet dog.

**Fang: **I DO NOT BELONG TO THEM!

**Aragog: **Shut up, pooch. Marty, kill them all, k?

**Harry Potter: **Wait, no! We're friends of Hagrid's!

**Aragog: **Oh, so you're gonna pull *that* card, eh? You must think I'm some sort of chump.

**Harry Potter: **No, I'm serious! Have you ever had his rock cakes?

**Aragog: **Why, yes I have. Broken a few teeth?

**Harry Potter: **Got the chips to prove it.

**Aragog: **Ah, hahaha. Maybe you are Hagrid's friend after all. But he has never sent men into our hollow before.

**Harry Potter: **Well, he's in trouble. They think, up at the school, that Hagrd's been setting a…something on students. They've taken him to Azkaban.

**Aragog: **WHAT THE FUCK? WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION THAT SOONER?

**Ronald Weasley: **You were kind of about to eat our brains I think…

**Marty: **Ha, if we only ate brains we would've had to search elsewhere for food, if you catch my drift.

**Ronald Weasley: **Oh, I caught it alright. Your name is Marty and you're a fucking spider. _That's _humiliation.

**Marty: **My name is plenty scary, ginger! RAWR

* * *

**Marty **sent **Ronald Weasley **a menacing look.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Aragog**'s wall: Okay, now that your friend has caused Ron to pee his pants, can we please get back to Hagrid?

**Aragog: **Um, YES, THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO. Marty, stfu. Okay, Potter, listen…that already happened many, many years ago. They thought Hagrid set something loose on the castle, and that something was me.

**Harry Potter: **O_O SO YOU'RE THE MONSTER FROM THE CHAMBER?

**Aragog: **I see you're as dumb as our friends over at good old Hogwarts fifty years ago. Figures. No, I am not. I was of no threat to *anyone* and there was no investigation, just the word of a pretentious brat and the giant's sent packing. Isn't it innocent until *proven* guilty? Fuckin' bullshit.

**Harry Potter: **Okay…so…so…you *didn't* come from the chamber?

**Aragog: **Holy shit, NO. I was not born in that god forsaken castle! A traveler gave me to Hagrid when I was an egg. Hagrid was only a boy, but he cared for me. When I was discovered, and blamed for the death of a girl, he protected me. I have lived here ever since, where Hagrid still visits. He even found me a wife, Mosag, and you see how our family has grown…

**Harry Potter: **What is Hagrid, ? Jesus, by the looks of this pack of spiders he chose pretty well. Maybe he can help Hermione…anyway, let me get this straight: you never hurt anyone, true?

**Aragog: ***No* I never hurt anyone.

**Harry Potter: **Do you know what *did* kill that girl, then?

**Aragog: **The thing that lives in the castle is an ancient creature we spiders fear about all others. We do not speak of it.

**Harry Potter: **What is it?

**Aragog: **WE DO NOT SPEAK OF IT! MOSAG, I SWEAR I CANNOT TAKE ONE MORE MINUTE OF THIS SHIT.

**Mosag: **Sh sh sh, Aragog, please. Don't embarrass me in front of our new *friends*

**Aragog: **What do you care about embarrassment? They'll be gone soon anyway…

**Mosag: **Haha, true.

**Harry Potter: **Yes, er, yes, we will…be gone. Now. Thanks for the help!

**Aragog: **Oh, I don't think so.

**Ronald Weasley: **Meep?

**Aragog: **My sons and daughters do not harm Hagrid, on my command. But I cannot deny them fresh meat, when it wanders so stupidly into our midst! Byesiez!

**Ronald Weasley: **THE CASUAL NATURE WITH WHICH YOU DOOM US TO DEATH UPSETS ME

**Harry Potter: **RON, IT'S TIME TO RUN

**Aragog: **You cannot run from us! You're going to die, fuckers!

**Mosag: **Mmmm, I want the Ginger.

**Marty: **You can have him, I have my eyes on that four-eyed freak…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: OMG, HARRY WE'RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE

**Harry Potter: **Say your goodbyes, Ron, it's all over.

**Ronald Weasley: **I love you, man. I really do. I love Hermione but I also love you a lot more than I can explain.

**Harry Potter: **I knew it!

**Ronald Weasley: **Which part?

**Harry Potter: **The Hermione part. You did not say anything before or after that.

**Ronald Weasley: **What, yes I did!

**Harry Potter: **No you didn't.

**Aragog: **SHUT UP! SHUT UP AND LET US EAT YOU!

**Ronald Weasley: **T_T

**Ford Anglia: **Hahaha, alright, alright. That's about enough. I think they got the point, Aragog.

**Aragog: **But you promised we could eat them!

**Ford Anglia: **No, I promised you could eat the Ginger. But that was just to get you to agree to the plan. Just wanted to put a scare into them – and possibly get Ron to admit his creepy love for Harry. Hahaha, good times, good times. Anyway, I'll be taking them now.

**Aragog: **YOU ABSOLUTELY WON'T! WE'RE HUNGRY! NOBODY EVER COMES IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST! I MEAN, IT'S CALLED THE FUCKING 'FORBIDDEN' FOREST. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TYPE OF WILL POWER IT TAKES NOT TO EAT HAGRID?

**Marty: **Yeah! We could survive for weeks on the big oaf! But noooooo, he raised Aragog. He fed him and bathed him when he was a wittle baby…give me a fuckin' break…

**Aragog: **You insufferable brat! You take that back this instant!

**Marty: **Never! I have to survive on leaves and dirt! That's no way to live! WHEN HAGRID COMES BACK, I AM CHOWING DOWN ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER

**Aragog: **NOW YOU TAKE *THAT* BACK, YOU PITIFUL FUCK!

**Mosag: **I kind of agree with Marty…

**Aragog: **HOLY SHIT! YOU WILL ALL BURN IN A FIERY DEATH

* * *

**Ford Anglia **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Alright, get in while you still can…

**Ronald Weasley: **Oh, thank god! Come on, Harry, get Fang!

**Fang: **Oh, someone has remembered me, eh? I thought you were going to leave me to the spiders!

**Ronald Weasley: **Alright, get the fuck in, Fang. I'm not the one who fed you chocolate.

**Fang: **I know, I know. Sorry.

**Harry Potter: **LET'S GO!

**Ford Anglia: **You're already out of the forest. I'm like lightning, motherfucker.

**Harry Potter: **Oh, thanks…

**Ronald Weasley: **Yeah, thanks, Fordy! Didn't know you cared about us that much!

**Ford Anglia: **I don't! Get out, bitches. I have to go back and apologize. What I go through just for a laugh…sheesh…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Follow the spiders…fucking shit. I'll never forgive Hagrid! We're lucky to be alive!

**Harry Potter: **I bet he thought Aragog wouldn't hurt friends of his…

**Ronald Weasley: **Well, he should've confirmed that little assumption! Jesus fuck. What the fucking fuck just happened. I'll have to throw away these pants now, thank you very much. I hope Hagrid knows he's paying for new ones…

**Harry Potter: **Alright, well, at least we know Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets…

**Ronald Weasley: **Fuckin' GREAT. Just great. Hagrid had us risk our lives and ruin my pants all to find out he's innocent. We still don't know who the real monster is! And Ford just made everything a hell of a lot worse by bribing the spiders to eat us, as if they wouldn't have done it to begin with…

**Harry Potter: **But she did save us in the end…

**Ronald Weasley: **Details. Anyway, fuck.

**Harry Potter: **Okay, we gotta get back to Hogwarts…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **is sleeping until he's old enough to die in his sleep. Not risking death by spiders EVER AGAIN. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter: **Ron, wake up!

**Ronald Weasley: **Wtf?

**Harry Potter: **I've been thinking…that girl who died. Aragog said she was found in a bathroom! What if she never left the bathroom? What if she's still there?

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley: **Okay…

**Harry Potter: **WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE

**Ronald Weasley: **…OH SHIT. MOANING MYRTLE?

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

**Harry Potter: **Righty-o

**Ronald Weasley: **Wait why the fuck did Hermione just like our comments just now?

** Harry Potter: **Holy fuck! Is she conscious again?

**Ronald Weasley: **No Madam Pomfrey is sending me alerts…

**Harry Potter: **Jesus Christ. Anyway…hm she must have like, an automatic sensor installed for our smart comments.

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley: **Creepy.

**Harry Potter: **Not surprised.

**Ronald Weasley: **Alright, I'm going to sleep. How we're going to get into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom tomorrow is beyond me. It's right near the site of the first attack, Harry.

**Harry Potter: **I knooooww -_-

* * *

Chapter Sixteen

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on Class of '98 Transfiguration: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Alright, so exams a week from today everyone.

**Seamus Finnigan **wrote on Class of '98 Transfiguration: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: EXCUSE ME?

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on Class of '98 Transfiguration: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: In case you didn't notice, your education is THE ONLY reason Hogwarts is still open. What did you think we were just keeping you safe? I trust you all have been studying hard.

**Harry Potter **wrote on Class of '98 Transfiguration: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Now excuse ME! How do you think we've found time to STUDY? We're focused on staying ALIVE.

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on Class of '98 Transfiguration: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Don't take that tone with me, young man! You think just because your lives are at stake you could say whatever the fuck you want? Shame.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: This blows.

**Ronald Weasley: **I don't even have a working wand.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Hey man, so it's been like three days, huh? I guess we should actually try getting into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom today…

**Ronald Weasley: **Yeah how the heck did we let three days just pass without doing *shit*?

**Harry Potter: **Beats me. Hey, what's McGonagall talking about over there?

**Ronald Weasley: **Dunno, trying to eat my toast.

**Several People: **DUMBLEDORE'S BACK!

**Ravenclaw Girl: **THEY'VE CAUGHT THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN!

**Oliver Wood: **QUIDDITCH MATCHES ARE BACK ON!

**Minerva McGonagall: **Stop making random guesses and stfu! Now absolutely anything I say is going to sound lackluster in comparison to everything you've wished for! Wood, your guess matters to nobody but yourself.

**Oliver Wood: **-_-

**Harry Potter: **What's the news!

**Minerva McGonagall **Professor Sprout has informed me that the Mandrakes are ready for cutting! Tonight, we will be able to revive those people who have been Petrified.

**Harry Potter: **Oh…

**Dean Thomas: ***shrug*

**Seamus Finnigan: **Cool…I guess.

**Ronald Weasley: **Sweet baby Jesus Hermione's going to be okay!

**Harry Potter: ***shakes head*

**Ronald Weasley: **I mean…EWWWW HERMIONE'S BACK

**Minerva McGonagall: **Okay, shut up! Listen: this is rather good news because they will be able to tell us who, or what attacked them!

**Oliver Wood: **That's almost as good as Quidditch…NOT.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You know what the best part of this is? That we didn't even have to go snooping around Myrtle's bathroom ^_^ Hermione'll have all the answers.

* * *

**Ginny Weasley **sent **Ronald Weasley **a tense and nervous look.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Ginny Weasley**'s wall: What's up, Ginny?

* * *

**Ginny Weasley **sent **Ronald Weasley **a scared look that reminded Harry of someone, though he couldn't think who.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Ginny Weasley**'s wall: SPIT IT OUT.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: I know who she looks like! It's Dobby – exactly like the time he was teetering on the edge of revealing forbidden information!

**Ronald Weasley: **Great, Harry.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Ginny Weasley**'s wall: Either talk or get out Ginny, I'm trying to eat porridge over here incase you thought I wasn't busy & had all the time in the world to watch you rock back in forth in your seat. Stupid bitch…sheesh.

**Ginny Weasley: **I'vegottatellyousomething…

**Ronald Weasley: **Yeah, we've established that…fuckin' merlin…what is it!

**Harry Potter: **What is it, Ginny?

**Ronald Weasley: **Harry, come on! You just sent her 12 paces backwards. She hears the sound of your velvet voice and her brain goes to mush! Like this porridge I'd like to be shoveling into my face right now if everyone would just leave me alone.

**Ginny Weasley: **meep.

**Ronald Weasley: **See?

**Harry Potter: **Ginny, is it something about the Chamber of Secrets? Have you seen something?

** Ginny Weasley: **Well…

**Percy Weasley: **If you've finished eating, Ginny, I'll take that seat. I'm starving! I've only just come off patrol duty!

**Ginny Weasley: **Meep!

* * *

**Ginny Weasley **sent **Percy Weasley **a fleeting, frightened look.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Percy Weasley**'s wall: You're joking, right? She was just about to tell us something about the Chamber of Secrets, you pretentious fuck!

**Percy Weasley: **What?

**Ronald Weasley: **Harry had just asked her if she saw anything strange!

**Percy Weasley: **OH, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT – NOT THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.

**Ronald Weasley: **And how the fuck do *you*know?

**Percy Weasley: **Well, um, yeah, well, Ginny walked in on me the other day…um, no, it's nothing. Just…it's nothing.

**Ronald Weasley: **o_O

**Percy Weasley: **JUST FORGET ABOUT IT

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: It's such a shame that I have to waste my energy walking you lot to Professor Binns…le sigh…we obviously have nothing more to worry about, all of those poor, poor Petrified children are going to scream the name of 'Hagrid' as soon as they awaken!

**Harry Potter **wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: Absolutely-deedaleedoo, Professor!

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: I like your style, Mr. Potter!

**Harry Potter **wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: And I like *yours*!

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: Um…WHAT?

* * *

**Harry Potter **sent **Ronald Weasley **a swift kick in the shins.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: I MEAN THAT'S RIGHT, PROFESSOR, LEAVE US HERE, SIR, WE'VE ONLY GOT ON MORE CORRIDOR TO GO!

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: You know what, Weasley, I like YOUR style, as well! Wouldn't you know that I've been patrolling all night and had absolutely ZERO time to lather up my golden locks with specially formulated conditioner? Shameshameshame!

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: Oh, you're not even going to like… pretend you'll use this time to prepare your next class?

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: lololol, silly boy. Toodlez!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: omg.

**Harry Potter: **I know, come on!

**Minerva McGonagall: **And what do you boys think you're doing?

**Ronald Weasley: **Ermermermermerm

**Harry Potter: ***facepalm* Professor, we were going to see Hermione. We haven't seen her for ages and we thought we'd sneak into the hospital wing, you know, and tell her the Mandrakes are ready and, er, not to worry!

**Minerva McGonagall: **Of course. Of course you may visit Granger! I will inform Professor Binns of your absence. Tell Madam Pomfrey I have given my permission.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **sent **Ronald Weasley **and **Harry Potter **an outstandingly uncharacteristic tear-filled glance.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: That was awesome.

**Ronald Weasley: **That was kind of terrible, don't you think?

**Harry Potter: **Yeah, whatevs.

**Ronald Weasley: **Well, now we kind of have to go to the hospital wing since McGonagall will probably talk to Madam Pomfrey about letting us go…

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

**Harry Potter: **One of those outrageous automatic 'likes' that happen when we think of something intelligent…way to go, by the way.

**Ronald Weasley: **Yeah, yeah…

* * *

**Poppy Pomfrey **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Why are you here again? To talk to Granger? She's…passed out still. This…doesn't make any sense.

**Harry Potter: **It's kind of like a…a nice thing to do…you know, keep her spirits up if she's hovering above us, listening…

**Poppy Pomfrey: **She's not dead you nincompoop -_-

**Harry Potter: **Whatever same difference.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I wonder if she did see the attacker…because if he sneaked up on them all, no one'll ever know…

**Harry Potter: **We can only hope…alright let's get this over with.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Heeey, Hermione…what's up…um…yeah, they finished the Mandrakes and shit. So you'll be better soon…god, the dumbass nonsense I come up with to stay out of trouble…uhhh, you're not gonna answer…cauuusee you're Petrified…yep…about another minute here should do it…

**Ronald Weasley: **MY TURN

**Harry Potter: **WAIT A SECOND! THERE'S A PIECE OF PAPER IN HER FIST!

**Ronald Weasley: **Seriously, nobody noticed that?

**Harry Potter: ***rolls eyes* That's not surprising. Let's see…

**Ronald Weasley: **Aw man, it's just a lame scrap about something called Basilisk from a textbook…of course.

**Harry Potter: **No, look! She scribbled 'pipes' beneath the text…

**Ronald Weasley: **And that means…what?

**Harry Potter: **Dunno.

**Ronald Weasley: **Let's think for a little bit.

* * *

**Poppy Pomfrey **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Alright, you've been here for almost two hours, enough is enough!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: I'VE GOT IT! This Basilisk thing…King of the Serpents! It says here that its murderous stare will kill you! This is the monster whose been attacking everyone! And I'm the only one who hears it because I speak Parseltongue!

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley: **Continue…

**Harry Potter: **Um…okay. Well, the basilisk kills people by looking at them. But no one's died because no one looked it straight in the eye! Colin saw it through his camera, Justin must've seen it through Nearly Headless Nick – Nick got the full blast of it, but he's already dead! And Hermione and that Ravenclaw prefect were found with a mirror next to them! Hermione had just realized the monster was a basilisk! I bet you anything she wanted the first person she met to look around corners with a mirror first.

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley: **What about Mrs. Norris?

**Harry Potter: **The water…yeah! Yeah, the flood from Moaning Myrtle's bathroom! I bet you Mrs. Norris only saw the reflection!

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

** Ronald Weasley: **But how's the basilisk getting around the place?

**Harry Potter: **Pipes! The pipes, Hermione wrote 'pipes'! It's been using the plumbing! That's why I've been hearing that voice inside the walls…

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley: **That Hermoine shit has GOT to stop…anyway, the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets must be Moaning Myrtle's bathroom!

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley: **YAY! I got a 'like.' Heh.

**Harry Pottter: **LET'S GO.

**Ronald Weasley: **To McGonagall?

**Harry Potter: **Duh.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **ALL STUDENTS MUST RETURN TO THEIR HOUSE DORMITORIES AT ONCE. ALL TEACHERS RETURN TO THE STAFF ROOM – IMMEDIATELY (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Shit! Another attack!

**Ronald Weasley: **What do we do? Back to the dormitory?

**Harry Potter: **Ron, WHEN DO WE EVER FOLLOW THE RULES! Into this wardrobe. We'll hear what the teachers are talking about and then we can tell them what we've found.

**Ronald Weasley: **Ugh, this sounds extremely misguided…

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Thank you all for accepting my invitation quickly. We have a HUGE problem.

**Filius Flitwick **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Another attack?

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Did you read the group name, Flitwick? I said, 'shit's about to get real.' I didn't say 'Emergency Staff Meeting (shit's about to get status quo) – we've seen attacks all year! A student has actually been taken by the monster into the Chamber of Secrets!

**Pomona Sprout **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Oh lordy lordy lordy!

**Severus Snape **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: HOW CAN YOU BE SURE

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: The heir of Slytherin left another message. Right underneath the first one. '_Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever_.'

**Cuthbert Binns **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Aw hale naw!

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Binns, no. Just…no.

**Rolanda Hooch **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Which student?

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Ginny Weasley.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **sent **Harry Potter **projectile vomit.

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Don't even joke about that.

**Ronald Weasley: **It's not a JOKE, you best be running if you don't want me to hurl on you! My damn sister is in the Chamber of Fucking Secrets!

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: We shall have to send all the students home tomorrow. This is the end of Hogwarts. Dumbledore always said

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: SO SORRY – DOZED OFF, RECEIVED THIS INVIATION – WHAT HAVE I MISSED?

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: I was so fucking sure you were Dumbledore. Sit your ass down.

**Severus Snape **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: No, no, no, Minerva! He should stay upright! Just the man, just the man for the job! Lockhart, a girl has been snatched by the monster. Taken into the Chamber of Secrets itself. Your moment has come at last!

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: This is no time for revenge, Severus.

**Pomona Sprout **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: That's right! Lockhart, weren't you saying just last night that you've known all along where the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets is?

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Okay, we're not seriously entertaining the idea of sending an imbecile into the Chamber of Secrets simply to make him the laughingstock of Hogwarts? Because that would've been funny at next year's Christmas Party but now we're actually dealing with a human life – we can't pretend like we've believed all of his asinine stories and entrust him to save Miss Weasley.

**Filius Flitwich **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Yes, Lockhart, you told me you were sure you knew what was inside the Chamber!

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Nobody's listening to me…peachy.

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Now, now, everyone…heh heh, listen to the wonderful Minerva. I-I don't actually recall saying all those things you all seem to recall with such vivid detail…

**Severus Snape **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: I certainly recall you saying you were sorry you hadn't had a crack at the monster before Hagrid was arrested!

**Minvera McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: If we send Lockhart we're going to end up with two dead bodies. That's it. Shouldn't we put our efforts towards getting a team together and actually SAVING somebody?

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Yeah, I mean…I really never…you all must have misunderstood me!

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Oh, fuck it. Lockhart, we'll leave it to you! Tonight will be an excellent time to do it. We'll make sure everyone is out of your way! You'll be able to tackle the monster all by your lonesome.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **sent **Minerva McGonagall **projectile vomit.

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on **Gilderoy Lockhart**'s wall: Seriously, Lockhart? Get yourself together. This is disgusting.

** Gilderoy Lockhart: **I'M JUST SO EXCITED.

**Minerva McGonagall: **You fucking jackass. Get ready.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Alright, so the only good thing that came from _that _is his absence. We can worry about informing the students and sending them home tomorrow.

**Filius Flitwick **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: And…and we're just gonna leave that girl to die?

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Yeah, well, I had thought we could do something but…yeah, there's really no way of helping her.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: ARE YOU LISTENING TO THIS?11

**Harry Potter: **Looks like it's up to us…

**Ronald Weasley: **WE'RE ONLY TWELVE *sobs*

* * *

**Harry Potter **This is the worst day ever (sent from mobile)

(**Fred Weasley **and **George Weasley **like this.)

**Fred Weasley: **Because there's no dislike button we wanted to clarify the obvious fact that there's nothing about this day we like.

**George Weasley: **Yeah…we're not happy our baby sister is doomed to death.

**Fred Weasley: **This blows.

**Harry Potter: **I know, I know.

**Ronald Weasley: **She knew something! It wasn't some dumbass thing about Percy! It had to do with the Chamber. That's the only reason she could've been taken…she's a pure-blood!

**Harry Potter: **I know I heroically declared that we'd had to save the day w hen we were stuck in that wardrobe, but…yeah, we can't do shit.

**Ronald Weasley: **What if we go to Lockhart and tell him what we know?

**Harry Potter: **That sounds like the shittiest idea anyone's had all year but you know what, I don't know what the fuck else we're supposed to do. Let's go.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Gilderoy** **Lockhart**'s wall: Lockhart, let us in. We have some info to give you.

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Oh…Potter, Weasley. Um…yeah it's not really…the right time…

**Harry Potter: **Are you *packing*?

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Oh it's just terrible, Harry. Urgent call. Unavoidable…I've got to go!

**Ronald Weasley: **I KNOW YOU WEREN'T GOING TO BE ANY HELP WHATSOEVER BUT YOU AREN'T EVEN GOING TO TRY TO SAVE MY SISTER?

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Oh, goodness, goodness me…that is rather unfortunate. But you have many siblings, don't you, Weasley? Yes, yes, you'll be quite fine, I suspect. One less mouth to feed, huh?

**Ronald Weasley: **ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **sent **Gilderoy Lockhart **a roundhouse kick to the nose.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: WHAT THE FUCK! NOT COOL, WEASLEY! YOU'RE LUCKY I HAVE A PLASTIC SURGEON ON SPEED DIAL! JESUS CHRIST!

**Ronald Weasley: **YOU CAN'T BE RUNNING AWAY YOU'RE THE DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS TEACHER

**Harry Potter: **And there's a lot of Dark shit happening!

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **THIS NONSENSE ABOUT A CHAMBER WAS NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION!

**Harry Potter: **SO YOU'RE RUNNING AWAY? WHAT ABOUT THAT STUFF YOU DID IN YOUR BOOKS?

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Books can be misleading, my dear boy!

**Harry Potter: **YOU WROTE THEM!

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **My books wouldn't have sold half as well if people didn't think I'd done all those things! No one wants to read about some ugly old Armenian warlock, even if he did save a village from werewolves! He'd look dreadful on the cover! I mean come on…PRIORITIES.

**Harry Potter: ***jawfloor*

**Ronald Weasley: **So you've basically been taking credit for things other people have done?

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **It wasn't nearly as simple as that! I had to track these people down! I had to stomach their putrid scents and ruddy complexions! It was difficult work! If you hang around ugly people enough you risk catching the ugly gene yourself! Now THAT'S dangerous. I hold my breath every time I'm near that sack of grease you call your Potions master! Can't breathe any of his toxic fumes…I mean do any of those professors own MIRRORS?

**Harry Potter: **I…cant…..WHAT!

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Harry, don't have a canary. Seriously. Alright, well, awfully sorry, but I'm off! My hair doesn't get this way all on its own, you know! I've got an appointment to keep and quite a long distance to travel!

**Harry Potter: **EXPELLIARMUS!

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Ouch! Now I've gone and tripped over my suitcase, you brat. Listen, what do you want me to do? I don't know where the Chamber of Secrets is! There is NOTHING I can do!

**Harry Potter: **You're in luck! We think we know where it is AND what's inside of it!

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Oh goody! A couple of twelve year olds have a hunch! Color me giddy! I can't. You two are utterly absurd.

**Ronald Weasley: **Too bad that you're actually coming, get the fuck up!

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Alright, alright, hands off! I SAID HANDS OFF! These robes weren't hand woven by a pack of malnourished poor children just for the fun of it!

** Ronald Weasley: **Get in the bathroom!

* * *

**Moaning Myrtle** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Oh, well, hello there.

**Ronald Weasley: **Cut the cutesie talk, Myrtle. This is important.

**Harry Potter: **Yeah, we want to ask how you died.

**Moaning Myrtle: **Well, aren't you offensive! You never ask a lady her cause of death.

**Harry Potter: **HOW DID YOU DIE

**Moaning Myrtle: **FINE! It was dreaaaaadful business. I died in this very stall. I'd hidden because Olive Hornby was teasing me about my glasses. The door was locked, and I was crying, and then I heard somebody come in. They said something funny…a different language, maybe. What really got me was that it was a *boy* speaking! So I unlocked the door to tell him to go away, and then…I just died.

**Harry Potter: **You…just…died. Wonderful, Myrtle. I think you're missing a couple details.

**Moaning Myrtle: **I don't know how it happened!

**Harry Potter: **DIG INTO YOUR MEMORY, MYRTLE.

**Moaning Myrtle: **Idk! I just remember seeing a pair of great, big, yellow eyes, then my whole body seized up, and then I was floating away…and then I came back again. I was determined to haunt Olive Horby, you see.

**Harry Potter: **Okay, those details were EXTREMELY NECESSARY. Annoyed that you didn't think they were. Anyway, where exactly did you see the eyes?

**Moaning Myrtle: **Idk, somewhere over there by the sink.

**Ronald Weasley: **Harry, say something in Parseltongue…

* * *

**Harry Potter **and **Chamber of Secrets Entrance **are now friends.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Chamber of Secrets Entrance**'s wall: Oh…hello there. Funny what turns up when you search Facebook. Er…open up?

**Ronald Weasley: **English.

**Harry Potter: **Oh, fuck. Um…sldkfjlsdf.

**Chamber of Secrets Entrance:** Hi.

**Harry Potter: **Hi, there.

**Chamber of Secrets Entrance: **What do you want? I don't normally accept friend requests willy nilly.

**Harry Potter: **To go inside of you.

**Chamber of Secrets Entrance: **Excuse me?

**Harry Potter: **Sorry…um, yeah, well, that's what I wanna do…sorry if it sounds a bit…idk. Rude.

**Chamber of Secrets Entrance: **Yeah, well, I'm sorry for being on the offense. I just had a weird break up and I take everything a little too harshly.

**Harry Potter: **Oh, shit. Please…please don't answer yes to this question: do you know…of a Hedwig?

**Chamber of Secrets Entrance: **DON'T MENTION THAT NAME!

**Harry Potter: **Alright, yeah, that answers that. Just let me in, okay?

**Chamber of Secrets Entrance: **Fine -_-

**Ronald Weasley: **What are you saying? I can't understand.

**Harry Potter: **Looks normal to me.

**Ronald Weasley: **That's because you can translate Parseltongue into English – I can't!

**Harry Potter: **She…he…its gonna let us in.

**Ronald Weasley: **Rad.

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Well, you boys hardly seem to need me! I'll be on my way…already going to be running late for that appointment!

**Ronald Weasley: **No, I think you can go first.

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Um, no thank you!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **poked **Gilderoy Lockhart**.

* * *

**Harry Potter **GERANAMOOOOOOOOOOOOO (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: We must be miles under the school…

**Ronald Weasley: **Under the lake, probably…

**Harry Potter: **Lumos! Come on, follow me.

**Ronald Weasley: **Oh, god…is that it?

**Harry Potter: **Maybe it's sleeping…

**Ronald Weasley: **Ew, no…it's a giant snake skin…

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Oh deaaarrrr

**Ronald Weasley: **Stop being a baby, Lockhart, get the fuck up, we know you haven't really fainted.

* * *

**Gilderoy Lockhart **sent **Ronald Weasley **a lunge attack.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Gilderoy Lockhart**'s wall: GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!

**Gilderoy Lockhart: **Got your wand, mister. The adventure ends here! I shall take a bit of this skin back up to the school, tell them I was too late to save the girl, and that you two*magically* lost your minds at the sight of her mangled body! Say goodbye to your memories! ~_^ OBLIVIATE!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Are you okay?

**Ronald Weasley: **Over here behind these rocks with Lockfuck. I'm okay. This git's not, though. He got blasted by the wand…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **sent **Gilderoy Lockhart **a kick in the shins.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: The curse must have rebounded on him…fuckin wand is good for something, I guess. Ugh, what are we gonna do?

**Harry Potter: **I'll never get rid of these rocks to get your out and we're wasting time. Wait there. I'll go on…if I'm not back in an hour…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **sent **Harry Potter **a sigh of relief.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Oh, shit, Harry. Seriously. It's not that I don't want to save my sister, but I would've been so fucking useless if I got stuck on *that* side of the rocks…oh, shit, we dodged a bullet. We'd all be screwed if that happened.

**Harry Potter: **Right…shift some of the rock while I'm gone…see you…in a bit…I hope…

**Ronald Weasley: **Try to sound a little more confident this is my sister we're talking about.

**Harry Potter: **Trying my best.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Chamber of Secrets Entrance**'s wall: Oh, you again. Open.

**Chamber of Secrets Entrance: **Yeah, I have many different levels. Are you sure you want to come all the way inside? I know that I didn't really question you before, but I didn't get a good look at you. You're super scrawny. Like, you're definitely going to die.

**Harry Potter: **Yeah, I know. Come on, open.

**Chamber of Secrets Entrance: **Don't say I didn't warn you… -_-

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A/N: If you look on our profile, you'll notice that we have new icon featuring Hedwig and all his/her glory. Remember to leave a review because it will please Hedwig, and you don't want to get on his/her bad side, do you? I thought so.

Please review!

D+K


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